A
female
age
36-40,
*haser21
writes:Hi, I'm 21 years old, my fiance is 22, we are getting married in october of this year. we've been together for 2 years and known eachother for 6. I was very excited about our engagement but somehow in this past month, i've made very poor choices.. I met someone and we've been spending alot of time together and we seem to have a connection that i never had with my fiance. Where's my fiance in all this? He's in the army, overseas.. after the wedding i am supposed to go live with him. I am so very confused right now. There's no excuse for what I have done. No one deserves to be cheated on. The situation is driving me crazy, we haven't really done much wedding planning, the invitations haven't gone out yet. No money has been spent yet. I dont know if im just lonely, or if this is a HUGE sign saying there's someone else out there for me. I think I love my fiance, but theres this connection i have with the other person, we have so much in common, so many goals and dreams. I feel like we really click. I dont want to get married and later regret it. but i'm afraid to call it off and then find out it was just cold feet. HELP!!!!!!!!1
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): I agree with Pasha Noodle. You shouldn't get married whilst yu have doubts and when you feel there is someone out there more suited to you boyfriend.
You sould at least put offthe wedding for a while s that you have time to get your head together and figure out what you really want.
Good Luck. Emivia. x
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 The fact that you are even thinking that 'no money has been spent' is a huge red flag...you are obviously thinking it won't cause too many problems if you call it off now, which says alot to me about 'where you're at'. However, even if the dress was made and the church booked...that's not enough reason to walk down the aisle. Marriage should be about so much more than 'the big day'. In my opinion, you are not ready - so you should cancel this wedding!
That doesn't mean you have to quit the relationship altogether...if you aren't sure how you feel about your fiance then give yourself some time to work that out. Who knows, maybe you will marry down the track?
I don;t believe you are likely to be able to get any clear answers about your relationship if this "other guy" is on the scene, on your mind. You owe your fiance more - you shouldn't be in something with someone else while you're still 'commited' to your him.
Take care that your actions don;t wind up leaving you with no options at all...how would you feel if your army man found out about your fling? Would you loose him? Is that what you maybe want?? HIM to leave you??
You have lots of thinking to do....good luck.
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A
female
reader, GeorgiaGirl84 +, writes (1 July 2008):
 I got married to a military man when I was your age- it didn't work out. My advice is to not go through with it if you're not ready. It's better to break an engagement than go through an expensive and painful divorce. I think you should wait until your fiance gets back and see how you still feel about him. Maybe this is a case of out of sight out of mind. However I would be concerned about your ability to remain loyal when you're married and he's deployed. Right now, you can pretty much do what you want and leave the relationship if you're unhappy. Once that ring goes on your finger and you say the vows, you're stuck. Some people just can't handle long distance relationships. There's nothing wrong with admitting it. Just think of how you would feel if you were overseas. Would you want your man getting closer to some other female?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Initially I thought of responding by wanting to clarify what "spending a lot of time together" really meant...but then I realized whether that means sexually or not, it really does not matter that much.
I don't think you have cold feet, I think you are just starting to realize the marriage to your fiance is not for you. That is part of the fiance process actually...to truly decide if you are well suited for each other....You are relatively young...be strong and make sure you are making the right choice.
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A
male
reader, no_issues +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Congratulations! You have stumbled across the ancient mystery of why we have engagements before we get married.
The reason is so that we have as much time as we need to get through all of whatever we have to work out -- money or politics or property or feelings or whatever it is. And the great thing about engagements is that you can keep postponing them.
Fortunately, everything you're thinking about has been done before. Other women have married soldiers. They've followed them overseas, or they've stayed at home. People getting married have gotten cold feet and met other people and broken their engagements. They leave each other at the altar. They go through with it and stick it out. They split apart. They stay together.
And even more fortunately, it turns out that no planning is actually required for a wedding. No money needs to be spent. All that needs to happen is that you each say "I do," in front of a fellow human. The rest is icing on the proverbial cake.
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