A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help on this one, guys opinions too please. Im not 100% sure but I think I have guy who is a bit of a player or a flirt. He is older than me by 7 years. Met him over a social network site (you know the one). We live in the same place but I didnt know him as he is older than me.We have being going togther for nearly 6 months now but this guy doesnt seem committed to this relationship. I dont see him much, he doesnt make plans very often, he keeps me a secret, never met his family. Only being to his place when his family was a way. Sometimes when we go out to the town for a night out we stay at a hotels so he can have a drink.We go out for meals, drinks, cinema only being out a couple of times through the day and he always pays for everything. He does have a good job and I know he is busy with work. He texts me everyday, I dont text him first much.I know for a fact he isnt seeing anyone else as I have being keeping check on him lately and I know where he spends most of his time. He isnt marrried or has any children. He does however, spend a lot of time on this social network site adding girls. Its mostly after 10ish when hes on there. I just have a feeling he is chatting to girls on there as it doesnt look like he uses it in any other way.I know he isnt using me for (one thing) ive worked that out. I got told last night that when he was younger he was a (man slag) he was always flirting and chatting up girls and that he hasnt being in a relationship for longer than a year. He did live with someone for a while but not sure how long. He told me (they drifted apart) I feel he got dumped. This person told me he would never settle down thats why he still not married. All of his friends are married with families now so he doesnt have anyone to go out with apart from me.He tells me he loves me and misses me he talks about the future a bit to me infact he says he will marry me one day. All the right things if Im being honest. Or does he tell me what i want to hear? I just dont know if this is a bit fun for him or hes just waiting for someone else to come along, or am i just one of the many. Im now worrying am I going to be the one who gets hurt? Appreciate all answers to this please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Thank you for the brilliant advice everyone.
Cerebus, you have just said it all. He is controlling and can sound like my dad. I somtimes feel like saying (yes sir) when he says things to me. I know i sometimes wonder that he keeps me a secret because he is a teacher. (My mum works in a school and a teacher there who is 26 now goes with an ex-student who is only 19 and there was a lot of talk round the school about this).
He is the one who has all the say and i do follow his rules just to stay with him, even though it annoys and frustrates the hell out of me. The girls on Facebook are not students, they are the biggest (skanks) ever and none of them over 19 years old who he adds. He told me it was students who get there friends and cousins to add him, I dont think so! I know he is adding them and I have told him about it.
You are so right there is more cons than pros with him and I know it! I way them up in my head everyday. He is making my life unhappy and frustrated all the time to the point where I have forgot what being myself feels like.
I think I know in my own head nothing will change with him until I am a bit older, ive worked that out.
I just dont know how to approach the matter with him as he always comes back with his (teacher head on) and then I feel ive lost the contol and being put in my place for saying something. My mum has advised me lots on what to say to him and she is being very supportive but not interfearing. Ive often thought about asking him to my house when my mum was in to see what she made of him, as he has only met her very briefly and she works with teachers everyday.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): "he keeps me a secret, never met his family"Nobody keeps the joy of their life a secret.Really, and that is what you want someone to treat you like, like they can't get enough of you.I met my wife, and a month later she wanted to be with me every day, and I with her, believe me she was no secret. There is nothing like that. Marriage can be hard, if you settle down with (settle for) someone who treats you like this, you will pay for it in the hard years of marriage.Today, my wife brings me flowers every week to work, she eats lunch with me, holds my hand and walks with me in the grocery store, kisses me goodbye every day and goodnight every night, she just texted me that she loves me....text messages didn't exist when we met...Find someone that wants you to be WITH them and let people see you together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Oh right that's you? You have a very intelligent and caring mother from the looks of things and choc fudge brownie ben and jerry's waiting for you.
I'm sorry OP but I can't confirm whether you have nothing to worry about. Because honestly a teacher that dates young girls is a little weird. No offence.
But it also could be a reason why he's so cautious about the whole thing. If his school were to find out how old his girlfriend is then that could be a problem for him because it is suspicious behaviour for a teacher to have a thing for young girls. It's very frowned upon and it explains why he's keeping you as his dirty little secret.
The thing is though OP it kind of explains why he's so bossy and fatherly to you. This is how he treats people all day at work. Now it might also explain why he adds so many young girls on facebook, they could be students etc.
The thing that worries me though OP is a number of things. I'm training to be a teacher. I've completely changed my name on facebook because I don't want students knowing my name, adding me etc on facebook. Because we're trained to keep the two things separate for a reason. We're trained to keep a safe personal distance from our students because it prevents complication and it prevents relationships with our students that can easily become inappropriate.
While there's no rule saying he can't date you, can you imagine what the other teachers may think or what the parents of the kids at his school would think if they found out he dates young girls?
Look I hate to break it you OP, but everything about this means you can't up this to the next level, he's not going to publicly commit to you and he's going to keep you on the side of his life. Now judging from what your ma said you're starting to realize this and it's really starting to bother you. Unfortunately for you because of his profession and his attitude towards you, he's always going to be the one with say in these matters, you're always going to have to follow his rules to be with him.
You want to know why it's frowned upon for teachers to date girls your age? Because we're trained how to get girls your age and younger to do what we want. We're taught how to manipulate and control girls like you so that we can get you to learn the things that we want you to learn. We're taught this so we can maintain control in the classroom. These kind of relationships are frowned upon because that's a lot of power to have in a relationship. Those skills can easily be abused to maintain a kind of power over a girl like you in a relationship which can be, and in your case is, detrimental to the well being of that girl.
OP if your mother is correct about the negative consequences that this relationship is having on your life then you seriously need to reconsider the whole thing.
OP there is very little chance that this relationship is going to go any further than this. Circumstances, his job and age say that he's in this for the fun time and no matter what he says otherwise his actions say the exact same thing and I'm sure he says an awful lot of great things, I'm sure he knows all the right things to say because he's trained that way.
Now your ma has every reason to be worried because she can sense this, you're her daughter and whether you like it or not your bond is so close that she knows when something is up. You do have a good relationship and that's why she came here for advice because she wants the best for you but she knows she has to let you live your life too, she was just wondering if there was any way she could help without interfering and well the only thing she can do is what she is doing, being there for you to help if you ask, with a bottle of wine and a tub of ben and jerry's when this all goes belly up.
You see the hardest thing for her OP is knowing you so well and knowing that what you want with this guy just isn't possible. She wants to help in any way she can because it's tough for her to see this knowing full well what will happen but she has no choice OP, she has to let you learn your own lessons out of this.
Now you need to sit down and weight the pros and cons of this. There are a hell of a lot of cons OP, relationships aren't meant to be this sore and hurtful, they're not supposed to have such a negative impact on our lives, when they do we have to cut them off.
Now you have to sit down figure these things out, then from that figure out what you want to happen. If you need help figuring things out and where to go from here your mother has a wealth of experience in life and relationships, and will gladly guide you if you ask, plus she knows this guy too. Once you've figured out what you want to happen, keep it in mind and talk to this guy. Do not let him sweet talk you, you need to gain some control here OP, the lack of control you have over this whole thing is driving you crazy and it's effecting your happiness and life in general. It's time to shit of get off the pot because you can't keep living this way, you can't keep this uncertain charade up and if you want to be more than just his fun on the side then you have to demand that and take nothing less or you'll just be right back where you started and feeling even more miserable.
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reader, macdubh712  +, writes (6 April 2011):
Well, it is possible that he is just afraid of getting too close but I don't think so. Once, I played the cheating game. I lived with one girl and dated another. This did not work out for very long. The other girl is now my wife and she wondered during that time why she never got to meet my family. I am also suspicious of the fact that when you go out he texts you and says "you better be behaving yourself" or "be good." He does this, yet he is the one that is behaving in a suspicious manner? That is a sign of deceit, and you know it is said that "it takes one to know one." This saying applies in many situations. I know you said you have talked to him but if this continues and you want to get to the bottom of it then sit him down and talk. Sit across from him where you can see his whole body and start off talking about things that he is comfortable with you and that you know are true. Watch him but don't make it obvious that you are watching him. Observe his body language while you are watching him. Then after you get a feel for how he physically reacts to questions you know are true, start talking "around" the things that bother you and the things you are suspicious of. See how he physically and emotionally reacts to these things and if any of his verbal and/or nonverbal reactions make you even more suspicious ask him about them. Ask him straight on. You must set this conversation subtly so he does not realize what you are doing. You are "interviewing" him basically. Just don't make it seem like you are doing that. I'm saying all of this in case you want to stay with him but you want to get to the bottom of what is happening. But who knows? Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am in left field here but this is what I would do if I wanted to fight for it a little longer.
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reader, yesno +, writes (6 April 2011):
Sounds like he's keeping you on the hook. Men will string women along for as long a possible to assure a steady supply of sex. There is a possibility that if you try to pull it back, he'll make more of a commitment. Then again, he might not. But since you seem to want to have a commitment from him, you should basically say what you want and if you don't get it...leave. You might where him down, but you are not a shining beacon drawing him ever closer. You're an insurance policy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Thank you for that link and your advice. That is my mum writing about me! I didnt realise she was that worried about me even though we do have a good relationship.So you think I havent got anything to worry about.I have tried to talk to him but he says its just cause he is busy with work or shattered. Although these birds take up his time (feathered). He has just text me now saying (you going to kill me but ive got a meeting tonight but i can see you tomorrow night). This is why I am always suspicious of him. I do beleive him but it just makes me wonder all the time if he is up to something. I think its his facebook behaviour that gives me concern.I also dont think he trusts me either as when I am out he always says ( you better be behaving yourself) or (be good). Which i always am. Its me who is comitted to this relationship just dont think he is and hes so hard to work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Hey OP my answers in this question pretty much answer yours too.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-this-guy-treating-my-daughter-this.htmlIt's most likely just the age gap, this is pretty common the way he's acting and if he's been hurt in the past then he may just be afraid of that too.If you want reassurances and stuff then talk to him. If you want to make a deeper commitment then tell him that. Nothing you have said in your question is a cause for concern. I know how easy it is for girls in your position to think that because us older guys find it quite awkward to deal with age gaps but it could just be the reasons I stated in that other question. He's the only one that can ease your mind though so talk to him about this.
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