A
male
age
30-35,
*irk
writes:We've known each other for two years and we've been starting something (seeing eachothers and sleeping together) for four months. I like her really. I liked her as a person also before, when we were just friends, and she has always captured my attention. She is kind, nice, with a lot of common interests. She's good with people, she is sunny, she makes me laugh, she is smart. She is a strenght of nature, a really beautiful and rare person. I like beeing with her, she makes me feel good like I never felt. And the sex is incredible. We have an harmony that I've never had with anyone else. She told me she would like to be more serious because she likes me and she is becoming attacched to me. And I started to think that it's hard to think about a future with her, because of her past. In this two years I've known her, she is always been single. Instead I've been in a relationship for a year. She enjoyed her single time a lot, but this is not the problem. I have the opinion that if you are single you can do whatever you want. I enoyed my single time too, more then she did. The problem is that i know people she had sex with, "one night stand" or "fwb relatioship", however nothing serious, just sex or other things. Some of these people are acquaintances, two of them are my big friends (me and this girl live in a small town and we go out in the same social cirlce). This thing block me a lot and I don't know how to go beyond it, and if I ever will. This makes me feel sorry because I think that I will never meet someone like her. I'm not afraid of cheating, I know her and I know that if she is in relationship she is faithful at all. I'm afraid of people judjment, I can't accept to hear stories or voices of her past. I have to interact with locals that had sex with this girl. I had sex with several locals too, but she doesn't know because it happened before we known each others. What do you think?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 July 2016):
 No, leave her alone.
What you are saying in your post- that single people can do whatever they want, and that you do not have a problem with this girls' sexual choices etc.etc.- it's just lip service that you are paying . You say things that make you feel modern, open-minded, and politically correct... in theory . When it comes to practice, you are still as sexually open minded as your ancestors at the time of the potato famine.
Still the blatant double standard : boy " having fun " is a good, natural,healthy thing - girl "having fun " is something embarassing to be forgiven, thought over , worked around, talked about ...
And most of all , " as long as people does not know ": so, a thing is not morally good or bad per se, or even according to individual values and personal opinions, - it's only bad if people gossips about it. If this girl had had 50 lovers in a distant city, - not a problem for you , but since she bedded two of your friends, big problem then.
I thought they had stopped being so hypocritical since the times they shut down the Magdalen laundries over there, but , apparently not.
Look, you don't HAVE to be ok with your partners having had casual , recreational sex. There's still quite a lot of people ,of both genders ,who feel that sex is something very serious to not be toyed with outside of a relationship. And that being sexually adventurous, or sexually promiscuous, does say something about your personality, which it's not all positive in term , for instance, of self-discipline , consistency, depth of feelings or whatnot.
That's a legitimate opinion- it's debatable, of course, as the opposite opinion is debatable too, but you have all the right to voice it. Then voice it !
Don't do this coward, wankerish, wishy-washy thing that makes you look like you are fighting with your own brain :
" Casual sex is not a problem... it has no effect on ability to committ and to stay faithful.. single people are the sole judges of their sexual conduct..... yeah yeah but, what if my friend John thinks I am dating a slut ? what if he says something ? "
So yes, it's best that you let her go. You can find a partner who is less problematic for your ego and social standing among your peers- and she hopefully will move on to a real man with some backbone and moral integrity.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (23 July 2016):
 You have double standards, OP. You're currently sleeping with her, why not try to make it a relationship? Otherwise, you're implying she's good enough to have sex with, but not to date because of what other's think - you're in the same boat because you've done more than she has!
OP, either try dating or stop having sex with her. She has feelings for you and will only get hurt more if you keep having sex, but not a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 July 2016):
 EDIT:
you should have sex with her either.
Should of course have been...
you shouldn't have sex with her either.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2016):
The problem is not the gossip, OP.
IT's you. And your attitude. OK so she has a past, SO DO YOU! IF you can't handle hearing that she slept with XYZ, don't DATE her and DON'T sleep with her.
How is OK for YOU to sleep with her without being in a relationship, but not OK that she did that with guys before you? Explain that logic!
The other thing is... you are ALREADY looking for reasons NOT to date her, so DON'T date her - but that means... you should have sex with her either.
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A
male
reader, nirk +, writes (22 July 2016):
nirk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem is not that I don't trust her. I trust her, without any doubt, because I know her from this point of view. She is serious when she is in a serious relationship. The problem is to hear gossips, even in details, about her and know people who have done stuff with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2016):
I think you are a hypocrite in judging her past when your own is by far more "colorful" than hers. It's such a trite thing to see a guy who has had plenty of sex having a problem with a woman who have done the same. YOU would never had had the sex you did if it weren't for women wanting sex JUST like you.
EVERYONE has a past and MOST people in their mid-20's a SEXUAL past too.
Here is the thing, if you CAN't stop judging her for her past, let her go. If you are more concerned about what people MIGHT say if you date her? Let her go. YOUR loss.
I think your mindset is flawed. Like women are supposed to stay almost virginal while you go out and sex it up... They somehow should just wait with sex for you to make it round to them? It isn't logical. After all.... if that is how you "think" it should be... you would never have gotten laid, would you?
The biggest problem for you to have a good relationship is your mindset, double standard and notion that woman somehow shouldn't have a sexual past...
All in all, no YOU NOT a "suitable" long term BF for HER. Because you are already judging her and putting her down. That is not a good or supportive BF.
Don't waste her time. Let her find someone who can and WILL love her for WHO she is, not the "sum" of her sexual partners.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 July 2016):
 So, you had sex with a lot of locals, you also were in a long term relationship where I'm sure there was lots of sex to be had, and you wasted no time in becoming sexual with her.
So why are you having a problem with her past, when it's obvious that you had 50x the sex that she did?? You being in a relationship means that sex was readily available to you, so you had it, all you wanted. Not only that, but it sounds like you were promiscuous when you were single, so you had sex with locals left and right.
Wouldn't YOU be more likely to be judged than her? And, if you were so worried about her being judged, why did you NOT hold off on having sex with her? It seems that the time for worrying about other people's judgment has long passed.
So let's get truthful:
Two things are what you're ACTUALLY having a problem with.
1. Your ego. You know of some of her past partners, so it burns you up that other guys have been with HER. This isn't judging...it's jealousy and possessiveness. You don't want to come AFTER other guys now that she means something to you. The only "judge" is you in this case, and what's worse is that you can't get past her freely giving herself to others before you.
Which ties into the second thing:
2. She means more than every past relationship or sexual liaison you've ever been with in your entire life. You actually are falling in love with her, which means that it bothers you NOW that you're not her first, and that you aren't the ONLY one she's ever been with. Again, that's jealousy bordering on obsession. That doesn't make her less suitable for you. That makes YOU less suitable for her, because you and you alone are the only one with a problem.
No matter how many people tell you that she has a right to a sexual history, same as you, and that jealousy didn't stop you from becoming sexual with her, you're still struggling with ego and love. She's perfect for you! She didn't cheat on anyone. She was more chaste than you were, and she obviously loves you, or the sex wouldn't be as phenomenal as it is, because in order for a woman to fully let go and push sex into the height of ecstasy, she has to feel something for you.
Don't give me the "She's becoming attached to me" bit, because it's really the other way around. YOU are attached to her. YOU can't handle that she's been with others, even though you have as well. YOU are going crazy obsessing over the details.
Don't hurt her. She is a keeper for you. If you were truly worried about the judgment of other people and locals, you would have as your future a plan to move away from the small town to a place where neither of you have slept with the locals. But you and I both know that that's just an excuse for you to be jealous.
Conquer the jealousy within you, or you will ruin the greatest thing that has ever happened to you. Come to grips with the fact that you both have had a sexual history, and make it ONLY about you and her. Don't allow others to enter your thoughts, whether it's her past partners or YOURS. People aren't judging you. YOU are just jealous and your deepening feelings towards her are spiraling it out of control. So get a grip! Live in the NOW.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 July 2016):
 Suitable as friend or girlfriend, but not long term. Your philosophy about single life is okay for everyone else, you even, but never for a wife. For friends and lovers, common interest is important. For a wife, she has to not have something you can't live with because she's stuck with you for life. That's the difference here.
Single life, casual life, whatever you call it, is fine and normal, as long as it doesn't interfere with the romantic fairy tale happy ending in a long term relationship.
I myself like the privacy of a relationship. It's true you can't make people stop but I absolutely hate it when people stick their noses in my life. If you have to explain to her, just keep it brief and say you are better as friends but without benefits because she's already attached. Basically, you don't want to hear judgment or gossips, deal with mental blocks, images and those are good enough reasons to not go forward. You don't have to go ahead with the relationship just so you are not called old fashioned, double standard, having retroactive jealousy etc. Or you can whisk her off into a different city/country so you don't have to deal with low life locals ever again. That's if you can erase your mental images too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2016): Why are you judging her? On the one hand you say how wonderful she is; and on the other you hold it against her, because she had sex with people you know.
Excuse me? But if you live in a small town, it is likely you will run into people who have had sex with people you date.
I suppose the only reason you know so much, is because you're snooping around; or you've got jealous low-life friends who want to put poison in your mind against her.
If you run in the same circles, you wasted no time getting your opportunity to meet her and hopping into bed with her.
News flash dude, girls have sex too. It might even be with a guy you know! Were you celibate or having sex with guys up to now, to preserve and protect the virtue and purity of women? What opinion do you have of the girls you've slept with in the past? Are they considered soiled tainted sluts now? She's not ashamed of who she is, and some things are a fact of life. She's got to put up with the fact she'll meet girls you boinked before she met you. If she is not committed to you exclusively, and not your official girlfriend? You are right, she can do whatever she pleases and you have no right to judge her. In fact, her past or present sex-life is none of your business; until she decides she wants you to be her boyfriend. Even though you've been close. If you decide to become an exclusive and committed couple, get tested to be safe and use condoms.
If she had to be pure, why didn't it stop YOU from sleeping with her?
So if you are considering being exclusive; discuss your feelings and see how she feels about it. She can't undo the past, and you have no right to judge anyone. NO ONE!
No matter who you meet. Everyone has a past. Being a virgin doesn't make a woman a good person. We are more than just our sexual history. If you've got issues about women who have sex same as you do yourself; then she's not the girl for you. Don't waste her time going back and forth with your jealousy issues, chauvinism, and setting double-standards. Life is too short for people coming into our lives with their insecurities and burdening good people with their emotional bullsh*t. She's a good girl, love her for that. Period!
There's always someone better than you in her destiny and future. Trust me on that!
No, she is not a good candidate for a LTR; because you don't trust her, you have a jealous nature, and what she's doing in your absence will drive you crazy. Therefore, you will drive her crazy.
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A
female
reader, cloran14 +, writes (22 July 2016):
You have a bad attitude!!she sounds perfect for you.you have had a past with different people why shouldn't she?that's pure hypocrisy on your part n if I may say so chauvinistic!who do you think you are!!the past is the past.how are you going to feel if you reject her and see her in a few months with someone else.stop being a hypocrit and cultivate your relationship and always remember we don't own anyone else!!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (22 July 2016):
 Oh so you can do it but she can't? Come on Nirk, grow up. To hell with the "locals", remember, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't, so you can't please everyone anyway. And why should you? Do you have to spend the rest of your life with the "locals"? Are they the ones who'll be there for you when you get back from work, who'll take care of you, be with you for life? Stop caring so much about what people think and do what you think is right. If this girl makes you feel happy and she sounds nice, by the way, then by all means go for it. People hardly have a good word to say about others anyway so why bother?
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