A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. I have a little-big issue here. I've fallen for a girl way younger than me, she's 16 years old. She's extremely intelligent and mature, but at the same time she's a teenager, so she knows how things work but doesn't have a life plan and I know her personality can change.And no, my question is not "should I try to be with her"; if I had to be with her it would be when she turned 20 or 21, not even 18... So I don't even have plans for that, because I don't know where her life could go by that time.My question is what should I do to keep our friendship alive. Or if I even should do that. We don't talk all the time, and sometimes I try to avoid it, but every time we do it we feel extremely free to talk about anything. We already have a strong link between us and I can't just break it in a moment. I don't know what to do. She's not stupid and she would understand it, but I still don't want to tell her "we shouldn't talk anymore because you are a teenager and this could go wrong". I don't even know if this would be necessary. But I don't want her to have strong feelings for me either, which is something that could possibly happen.So that's it. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): OP here again.
Cardinal: Well, the age gap here isn't that big, I couldn't be her father. The thing is, she's a teenager. And I don't want a romantic relationship with her, that's not going to happen. Probably not even in the future, not even if our personalities remain the same, when it could be seen as a "moral relationship". I have my reasons. I'm single, 22-25 years old as it says on the left, pick a number. As I said, I'll be just a friend, keeping some distance. I wish you good luck with your relationship. Thanks for your answer and sharing your experience.
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female
reader, cardinal  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I know what it's like to fall for a man a lot older than me. I first fell in love with him when I was 16, an illegal and very inappropriate age, but I fell in love with him anyway. and I'm not talking about a couple year age difference. I mean he could be my father. Four years later, I am still in a relationship with him, and let me tell you, it is a rough ride. An age difference is not easy. But from my experience, he makes me happy, and I'd rather go through the ups and downs than not take the ride at all.My advice would be to keep the relationship alive, but at an appropriate one. Nothing sexual or intimate, obviously. Be a friend, and that's it. I don't know how old you are or if you are married or in a relationship at all. I think marriage would be a factor to consider as well. But if you fall in love with this girl, don't make the wrong choice by doing what you think is 'right'. Do what makes you happy. If that's a young girl, so be it. When she stops making you happy, that's when you can reevaluate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): OP here. Thanks for your answers, I'll give some feedback now.RevMick: well, just thanks. You have a point and you answered the main question here (if I should be his friend or not).~First anonymous: It's not a bad idea, but it's kinda hard to apply in this situation.~Mark1978: I don't think you understood what I meant. I said I don't expect anything from her. Ever. I said that if I waited until she turned 20 she could be a different person by then, so I wasn't considering that idea. That's why also said she doesn't have a life plan. It was nothing else than a comment to show the only thing I could want to have with her is a friendship.Also I know that what you said can be applied to a lot of kids (they try to be seen as adults), so your concern is totally valid, but this is not the case (I don't expect you or anyone to believe that though). It's one of those quite kids that doesn't fit in the class and no one really knows them. But that's not the only reason, she has an extrelemy unusual life (I'm not going to start talking about her life anyway) so she is, like, forced to be a more mature teenager.Also my feelings won't get out of hand, don't worry about that. I already had problems with my first girlfriend because for a long time she thought I could be asexual. Not that I didn't like sex, I just didn't care that much about it. And I always keep my mouth shut when it comes to my feelings. My personality itself is a mess and hard to describe. Now about what she could do or say... I don't think she will, if she had some kind of crush on me. Despite our long conversations, I always treat her like a child and she knows she's a teenager and not an adult. She has admitted it.Anyway, I appreciate your answer (I did read what you said about maturity, kids, adults, responsability as one of them, moral and the law). I agree on some points, most of them.~So_Very_Confused: Thanks that's what I've been doing actually. I don't see it as a bad idea but talking to someone you have feelings for and not being able to say anything, it feels awkward.~maisy1: Your answer is simply perfect. Oh, and I don't want a partner right now. Even if she was my age, I wouldn't like the idea. I want to be alone, to be honest. But that's another story.I think I'll just keep some distance from her, but I won't break our friendship totally. I'll weaken it. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, maisy1  +, writes (13 May 2014):
You don't tell us how old you are. If you are closer to 25 than 20 then I don't think its appropriate to continue this as she is just 16.
Nothing wrong with being friends, but as you have developed strong feelings its probably very wise to distance yourself. You don't really want this getting out of hand.
RevMick hit the nail right on the head: Age is only a number in the eyes of some, but when one of the two of you is still a child, and will be for a couple of years legally yet, then its not appropriate IMO.
You need to let go of this. Besides, at your age im surpised you still have so much in common with someone so young. You need to concentrate on your own life, your own situation and look to meet a woman your own age.
Age gap relationships are fine with me, but when one is a child its a no no.
Apart form the fact that its inappropriate, I do think you need to stop and ask yourself why you became friends with someone so young in the first place and what you want from a partner. Maybe you lack confidence, maybe subconsciously, with women your own age for example.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Personally if you don't talk regularly I would not make any changes at all.
You have no clue in 4 years your feelings may be the same and hers may grow. Or it will naturally peter out if you don't nurture it.
I'd just go with the flow and have occasional contact. To keep her in her "place" I would mention things like her classes and other high school things.
I would NOT discount that things may change in 2-4 years and you may want to re-evaluate your stance later on.
For right now, being very casual acquaintances is fine IMO
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Hi,
This girl is still very young compared with you. You are a grown man, an adult in your 20's, whereas she is still a child. I don't know what the age of consent is in your territory but here in the UK it is 16, with the age of reaching legal adulthood being 18.
Realistically, as you eluded to yourself, you should not wait five long years until she turns 21. Although I appreciate that you wish to only become involved with her when she reaches an age where she will be a fully fledged adult, and that is commendable, you need to be realistic.
In five years time you will be aged 27 to 30. Your life will have moved on, your situation may well have changed completely and what you want from a relationship and partner THEN will probably be very different from what you want NOW. She will mature, evolve, change and make the difficult transition from adolescence to adulthood.
She will be a very different person as a 21 year old adult to what she is as a 16 year old kid. Its true to say that, in many respects, the person you know now probably wont even exist in five years time as this girl has so much ahead of her which will shape her into an adult, with a different world view, outlook and expectations. Emotionally we can change as much, if not more, between the age of 16 and 21 than we do from the ages of 11 to 16.
You also need to bare in mind that she is most probably trying hard to "act" mature and grown up with you as she is a lot younger. Its only natural for girls that age to want to seem mature and be taken seriously and treated as an adult, especially with older men who they look up to. But, in many ways, it will just be an act. Not a deception, but an attempt not to be seen as being a kid. However when it comes to the serious side of a relationship, and the realities of adult life, you wont have to dig too deep to find she is still very inexperienced and very young.
You say she doesn't have a life plan, but she is 16. How many 16 year olds are going to have a realistic life plan? With the greatest of respect, very few 16 year olds, even those who are very level headed and mature for their age, are going to have the maturity, life experience and adult world view to form a practical, considered life plan. At 16 the world usually seems our oyster and anything seems possible, yet that feeling usually becomes very different when we reach full maturity and adulthood. And of course, as we learn more and more as we get older, life is just so damn unpredictable to plan in too much detail or too far ahead.
So, at the risk of sounding like I am answering the question you asked us not to answer, you should not try to be with her. You need to find a partner your own age. Someone on the same page as you, same stage in life.
As for whether its appropriate, well that's something which is difficult to answer and I suspect will get plenty of responses on here with very different opinions.
Personally, when I was in my mid twenties, I saw 16 year olds as being kids. For me, and many people your age, dating a 16 year old, or forming close friendships with someone that age, is not something I would have been too keen on as I appreciated the age gap and maturity disparity. I don't think I was untypical in wanting to do very different things in my 20s than I was doing at 16/17. I actively tried to distance myself from my teenage life to paint an image of someone who had matured and grown out of that. You are not me of course, but I hope you understand where I am coming from. My own personal view is that if you are in your 20s and want to be seen as mature, treated as an adult and so forth, don't hang about with kids. If you were to form a close friendship with her and her friends then some people MAY question your maturity.
Obviously we are talking a friendship here, not a sexual relationship. Yet if you have feelings for her and she has, or develops, feelings for you then things may get out of hand. She is still young, inexperienced and coming to terms with the changes in her body and her emotions. Continuing the friendship could lead to regrets, temptations and mistakes. As an adult YOU should be able to accept, appreciate and deal with the consequences of those actions should they arise, she on the other hand, as a child, would not.
Also consider the fact that she is at an age where she may very well start relationships, become sexually active. If you really like this girl how would you feel being just friends with her while she is becoming close to other people and having partners? It would be wrong of you to ask her, or expect her, to keep herself free and available to you until she reaches an age you are comfortable with having a relationship. Likewise it could cause the temptation to make your feelings and desires known or to act upon them too strong to resist out of fear of loosing her to someone else.
You do need to tread carefully as rightly or wrongly others will possibly judge this situation, no matter how innocently meant, as being inappropriate.
Here in the UK there is so, so much in the news right now about high profile, well loved figures having allegedly had "inappropriate" relationships with children and young adults. Although we are talking a very different scenario, and im not suggesting for one moment that you guilty of the same, we all have to bare in mind that any kid on relationship, particularly sexual relationships or close friendships, between children and adults is a very sensitive issue right now.
We all have a duty, and I include the wider societies and those who use this site, to help protect young people and children from potential inappropriate behaviour or abuse, as well protecting innocent adults from putting themselves into situations that could lead to accusations or misunderstandings that have bad consequences. Your question clearly states your concern in this area.
Unfortunately the line between morally (or indeed legally) right and wrong is often blurred. My own view is that it is inappropriate for an Adult to have any kind of relationship with a Child. If an adult has feelings for a child its best to move on completely is my own opinion.
Which brings us to the problem - what is an "adult" and how do we define "child"?
I answered a similar question to this recently and several people took issue with me for saying that someone at 17 is definitely a "child" because the law says so. The responses I got stated that some 17 year olds are far more mature and "adult" than others, and that some under 18's are actually far more mature and adult than many over 18s are.
I agree that the current system of deciding whether someone can legally have sex or is legally an adult/child is flawed and unfair. To label someone as being a child or an adult, or deciding their sexual maturity, simply because of a date on the calendar seems overly simplistic and doesn't take into account the individual persons maturity or personality. I am sure there are 15 year olds who are unable to have legal sex who are far more prepared, sensible and mature than many of the 16 year olds having sex legally without understanding the consequences. There must be a lot of 17 year olds who are level headed and mature who are excluded from adult things because they have yet to reach 18, while many other, less grown up, 18 year olds take on adult responsibilities without the maturing to deal with them.
However, unlike a driving test or maths exam, there is no simple way to test a person for adulthood, maturity or readiness for sex/relationships. We are all mature in some areas and less so in other aspects of our lives. We can be grown up in some situations and very childish in others. How do we define the term "child" or "adult"? What is "maturity" in the wider picture of real life situations? How can we decide such and such a person is now an adult or that person X is naïve?
Its not unreasonable to suggest an 11 year old is a child and a 35 year old is an adult, but where do you draw the line considering different people mature at different rates?
Short of creating a ludicrously complex test to be performed on every teenager/young person, its realistically impossible to say "person A is an Adult, person B is not." Or that one person is "mature" and another is not. Its not something that can be measured as such or given a score or ticked in a box on a from.
Therefore the current "one age fits all" system of drawing a line in the sand (ie: age of consent, age of legal adulthood)is the only WORKABLE solution. To that end, rightly or wrongly, and assuming the laws are the same in your country, this 16 year old girl is a child and you OP are an Adult.
Mark
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): You don't have to say anything, just slowly stop talking ot her. She will forget you soon enough, I mean she has school and other stuff to concentrate on. It just sounds like you don't really want to let her go.
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reader, RevMick +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Hi,
There are those who will say 'Age is only a number' but I myself wouldn't get involved with her. She is still young and even though you aren't much older I feel it's inappropriate.
By the sound of it, so do you.
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