A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I NEED SO MUCH HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!A couple weeks ago my GF and I broke up. We broke up for the weekend. She thought/thinks I am not the type to go hook up with other girls. Just because of my past and just who I am.. Well dating her I changed. i am more outgoing, more confidant and am able to talk to girls with ease. I kinda hooked up with 1 girl the night we broke up. we just made out. i pushed her away when she was kissing me but she was drunk and was always coming back. So after a couple times I left cause i couldn't handle her drunken ness. The next night i went out again with my friends. I went to a party and drank alot. but not so much i didnt know what I was doing. I hooked up with this girl and we made out alot. Then she gave me oral. She was only there for an hour half then left. I was still at this party, and I hooked up with another girl and we had sex. I slept over and in the mourning we did it again.My Gf told Me "we are done for good" when she broke up with me and "we are not getting back together." SO i thought she was being serious and meant it... When school started on monday we started talking and we got back together that day or like the next. So the weird thing is, and i am so lost on this, is when someone asked her how long we were dating she said almost 6 months. If someone ask me ill be like almost a month. Because we broke up!! right?? She said it to someone, i looked at her and she looked at me and smiled... My smile was more of wtf....I know what i did was messed up but i mean i thought i was single. Even the girls I did sexual stuff with asked me and I said I was broken up and i even showed them our Facebook status to prove it...So does this dating continue when you get back together? Meaning we have been together for 6 months vs 1 month???? even tho we broke up and got back together. and do I tell her? She hasnt asked because well she doesnt think i am capable of doing anything in a weekend.. and the more messed up thing is both those girls are her friends... I dont know if she thinks we were continuously dating because when someone asked her how long we've been together she said 6 months! I feel like I am a cheater and Im not!! I hate cheating and would never do it/ am against it! am I ? Her friends told me they werent gona say anything. and they havnt. so its up to me. I wasnt going to. but after hearing her tell someone we've been together 6months IDK what to do......also if I tell her ill be dumped, she will hate her "friends" and she will be sad/depressed/miserable when she is happy now!She already has the most F**ked up past ever! Dad cheated on wife with best friend!! for 5 years.then she found out!!!!!!!! her past 2 exs cheated on her within the first couple months... She already sees a shrink once a week and has trouble sleeping................................... What would you want to happen if this was you? tell you or dont..... this could really push her off the edge..and i do want to be with just her and I love her but i feel like crap :(
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, drunk, facebook, get back together, got back together, her past, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 Thanks for the follow up (and clarification). I must have overlooked the opening line in which you said you and she had broken up a couple of weeks ago.
Technically you did not cheat if you really believed it was over, but you've broken up before after a fight and gotten back together. Was it such a stretch to think it couldn't happen again? See this from her perspective for a moment. What would you think if you found out your girlfriend had been intimate with 3 different men within 2 days of breaking up with her? Would you understand that it was technically over? Would you believe that she loved you and was sincere about making it work? Would you want to know? If you only found out later, would you understand why she kept it from you for so long and forgive her? Would you be willing to overlook it?
If there is this much drama in your relationship, then perhaps it should be over. Permanently. Clearly you two cannot communicate effectively with one another.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Go look at the Dearcupid threads where a girl is in your position asking the same jinds of questions. See if the female responses there match the ones here.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 March 2012):
You can tell that the way women see things is quite different from how men see things.
What you did when you were single for the 3 days is your business. Who knows, maybe she did the same things as well. Of course you can't tell her. Telling her would just mean you were trying to get rid of your guilt but as she sees it as a small pause in the relationship, it would seem like you got over her too fast and that you didn't care about her.
None of it matters anyway. Appreciate the person you have become and just move on. Keep what you did to yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): if you do love her and want to be with just her, you wouldn't have hooked up with all those girls whether you were broken up or not.
I don't think she'll forgive you if you tell her either. I think you should move on, it's obvious you don't like her much as you think. It'll only make her worse if you stay with her. If you don't tell her you will by lying, if you do tell her she wont be able to handle it.
make clear where the relationship is and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Let's look at my own situation:
I cannot remember the times my hb and I have screamed at each other, threatening murder and divorce, wanting out of the marriage at that moment, just wanting to throw in the towel, not speaking to each other for days before the drama died down, accusing each other of not pulling me/his weight in the marriage, and sometimes just saying stuff you, I'm going to see a lawyer.
Does the above depict a couple who ended their relationship? As I have matured I have realised that when things are said and done in anger, its mere emotions getting the better of us. We vent, we want to hurt the other one, we say "its over" but within the next day/few hours/next few days, kiss and make us, have great great make up sex and life just continues. When people ask me how long I am married: I proudly say "just over 20 years", we just renewed our wedding vows in front of plus 210 friends and family. So in my situation am I married 20 years or do I subtract the times we wanted to throw in the towel, the times we said "its over", the times we said " come monday I'm seeing a lawyer?" Tough one, isn't it?
I hate "technicalities" this does not make a relationship.
So you and your gf "broke up" over the weekend: you had your freedom escape clause: got pissed drunk and enjoyed great dirty sex with girls your gf knows. While you were engaging in the dirty deed your gf spent the weekend crying perhaps, analysis the events that led to the "break up", doing a post mortum of what ifs, just waiting for you and her to calm down before both saying I'm sorry, then kissing and making up after the weekend. And this is what exactly happened!!!!! You both experienced the "break up" differently. In her mind it is indeed 6 months bec to her you two picked up right where u left off on the friday. By that Monday u two lovebirds were back together. So should she say 6 months except for the weekend "break up"????
Unprotected sex? Random hookups? Too much of alcohol? Uncaring attitude? I'll show her attitude? Anger and frustration bec of the emotional nature of your relationship? The harsh words used before the "break up"? All leading to this mess right now. You have bigger issues than u are willing to reveal. You have no compassion. U seem so frustrated. U want to party. U want multiple girls. You have lots of anger issues.
So instead of all the drama just tell your gf u want your freedom and then move on. Be final about your decision. No going back. Keep life simple.
BTW Aunts: whether technically or Not: with my chest pushed out, tummy tucked in: I'm still going to proudly say I'm married for 20 years. All of the drama bulldust in my marriage is/was just part of everyday marriage issues and it just made me wiser, bolder and oh so much more in love with my husband.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question I do feel guilty.. y else would i post this. They are not random girls.. Why would she kick her dog?? well maybe before she made a mistake(2 actually, dumping me for literally nothing, then telling me we are done, and never getting back together.) She should have thought it over.. also this is the second time she dumped me. first was because she lied to me about going to a concert and smoked weed and a cigarette, i hate that shit. So i got made at her and she said i was controlling.. when all i did was care. so she dumped me. for 24 hours... Then realized that was dum..For clarification These friends arent the type that are good friends. she just knows them says hi exc.. not the type to go hangout or talk about personal stuff/girl stuff. They arent close just those people at school you say Hi too. also I dont think she will find out if she would, it would have been by now.. These girls are the only ones that know and they wouldnt start talking about it and start drama... they dont wanna look bad... So idk what to do. I want to tell her, but at the same time I cant handle fighting anymore and if it comes down to fighting, which it will, alot of it, I dont know how much I would care. its messed up what i did but im not going to stop my life, cry in a corner until i feel better. im gona go out and live my life. She shouldnt have told me that. I really thought it was over. We have had fights, i have cried alot but i cant anymore. My feelings for her are very strong, I do love her(even tho this doesnt seem like it) but I can only cry so much, be sad, over stupid stupid shit until i just dont care. and its at that point where its just starting drama. and if we broke up id be fine because i cant deal with the fights.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ldu +, writes (14 March 2012):
you didnt cheat . She made it very clear that the relationship was over with , she broke up with you .
With that being said.......you fucked up by hooking up with her friends .
If you tell her be prepared to lose her, if .you Dont tell her .... Prepared to lose her .
But if you do tell her u have a higher chance of her staying with you than if y Dont tell her and she finds out from another person .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Leave it to a guy to console himself after a break up with sex from random chicks, while his broken hearted ex-girlfriend skips eating, can't sleep, can't concentrate, yells at her parents, kicks her dog, and cries uncontrollably while trying to figure out if she made a mistake and wants her boyfriend back. It's nice to know guys can bounce so quickly to the next pussy without regret. I don't think you deserve her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): No you technically didn't cheat because you had broken up. But, it's messed up to be sleeping with that many people so soon, I mean there was less than 24 hours elapsed between your breakup and when you slept with someone, that is pretty messed up. it shows a weakness, like you're incapable of being on your own even for 24 hours.
you should tell your gf. You know that she has big issues so it's better you tell her before she finds out on her own. if you tell her yourself now, she may or may not leave you. but if you say nothing and she finds out from someone else months later, you can be sure she will it will be a hundred times worse. and since two of the people you slept with are her friends, the chances are very high that sooner or later word will get back to your gf especially because people can talk when they are drunk or they can tell other people who will tell other people and so on. it's better that your gf hear it from you first.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 March 2012):
 You didn't cheat. Your GF is saying 6 months in order to save face.
The only thing is -- you didn't cheat, but you did what you did to hurt her and get back at her. Why on earth would you go after her friends, and then go out for making out and sex with different people within mere hours after a breakup??
You were upset because she dumped you, and you were driven by your ego to do what you did. While what you did wasn't cheating, next time, you might want to handle a fight much better than that. Now, if she finds out, you have a mess to clean up. Those were her friends, and boy will you be shredded, especially if she tells THEM you never broke up.
You didn't cheat, but boy did you make a mess. When you two talked about getting back together, you might have wanted to give her the heads up, because when she finds out (and believe me, you sleeping with her friends makes it a most definite WHEN!), it's going to be bad.
So I guess it boils down to who you'd rather have her hear it from...you or her friends. But either way, you did not cheat.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar... the break up lasted 3 days.Not 5 months.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): You didn't cheat, because you were single. However, what you did do wrong was going with two of her friends. Ex's friends are always a no no! They are off limits, its too messy and even if the break up lasted forever and you got over each other she would still always be wondering if you were using her to sleep with her friends, therefore it's just best to avoid sleeping with ex's friends.
Personally, I would like to be told, because I would like to know who my friends are, because these girls are definitely not her friends, I could probably forgive on the ground we were broke up, not going to lie I would find it tough though. But that is me.
It is entirely up to you. It is you that will have to live with the consequences, what ever they may be. Important thing is you shouldn't feel bad about sleeping with other girls because you were single. If you wanted to tell her maybe you could put that argument forward. You did nothing wrong in that regard.
As for you changing whilst dating her, that is normal and those are positive changes, you have grown as a person since meeting her and maybe she helped that process. It is up to you if you want to tell her, nobody here can tell you what to do.
Is there a chance she could ever find out about it? Because if so, in that case it maybe better coming from you. She shouldn't really have a problem with you having been with other girls because you were broke up, I think she would have an issue with those girls being her so called friends though.
What ever you decide to do, follow your heart and as long as its a decision you can live with and accept the consequences of, then you have made the right decision no matter what.
Good luck.x
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (13 March 2012):
 If I were in her situation, I would want to know. I don't think anyone, male or female, wants their partner to hook up with anyone the moment they break up, ESPECIALLY with their friends. It's disrespectful, it minimizes your emotions, it discredits your relationship, and it's a huge slap in the face.
Knowledge is power. Give her the chance to decide if she wants to be with a man, who can so easily turn his back on her and get sexual with her friends. Give her the chance to decide whether or not she wants to be friends with girls, who will sleep with her boyfriend the second she breaks up with him. She has the right to know and the right to decide if she wants to keep friends like that, or a guy like you.
Above all, she has the right to know that you are no longer the guy "who would never do something like that". You have changed and she should know that the new, confident you, would in fact hook up with women during break-ups.
And yes, just because you were not a couple over the weekend doesn't mean you're starting off fresh. You were single for 2-3 days! Let me say this again: 2-3 days. You know how long that is? It's practically nothing. After getting back together, you didn't think to yourself - geez, let's go on our first date and let me get to know this girl! You didn't have a first date, the first kiss, the first make-out, the first anything together. You already know her, you know her personality, you know her issues and you know her intimately. No one starts fresh after being broken up for 2 days! You pick up where you left off. You WANT it to be new, you want a new, fresh start, so that your hooking up don't look so bad. It's great to be able to pin point moments that you're not so proud of, and decide that point C is the beginning point.
Be straight with her. She may very well dump you and her friends and she has every right to do it. I have a feeling the info will get to her one way or the other. You were at a party, which means thee are witnesses. It's better that she finds out from you, than from others.
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 You may well have been technically single. But to get off with that many women that quickly is possibly the most stupid thing you could have possibly done. It doesn't really show how much you care about her when you're willing to forget about her and move on within a day.But what's done is done and you can't change that. If you begin to go out with someone again and it's pretty much continuous then yes you have been going for six months. Even though technically it's 'on and off' for a three day period. It's a catch 22 situation. She deserves to know the truth and it will hurt her a hell of a lot. Again, technically you haven't cheated because you were 'finished' but she will feel that you didn't care about her enough. If you do choose to tell her then you must make sure that you would never cheat on her or do anything like that again.It may be the better option not to tell her unless she asks but that will also end up hurting her because she will tell you that she would have wanted to have been told. She will feel like she's been lied to even though she never directly asked.I think you maybe should tell her. Accept that she's going to be extremely hurt and it may take a few days/weeks/months for her to get over it. But if you explain that you thought it was properly over and that you would never dream of cheating on her because you love her (which you do, right?)and would never want to hurt her. You must also tell her that if she wants too, you still want to be with her and support with her psychiatrist stuff (shrink probably isn't the best outlook for it) then it's down to her to make the decision.But you may have to realise that you may end losing her over this and you must face up to your mistakes. If you want her that much then you will do everything in your power to try and keep her otherwise it could be a lost cause. Good luck and don't ever do anything like that to yourself again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 March 2012):
You didn't cheat. The ink may still have been wet but you were indeed single, especially if the break up lasted 5 months (though I first thought this all happened over a weekend from what you wrote). I don't see the value in volunteering that information. If she finds out she'll be upset and if you act guilty she'll feel even more outraged.If it comes up, you can tell her you did go out with a few other women in the 5 months you were apart but do not provide anymore details than that. She may have just said 6 months because it was six months ago that you'd started dating and she didn't feel the need to explain there was a break up in the middle of it. It's too much information.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wise_little_elf +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Ok first off, yes if you brake up for a brief period, when you get back together thats usually forgotten about and you carry on counting on the months where you first got together! Second of all, this is a tough situation, and i know everyone here is going to tell you to tell the girl , be honest with her. Now, if those girls you hooked up are friends with your girlfriend, it will come out , the truth will ALWAYS avail eventually, even if its quite a while down the line and you think its all forgotten about. So you are a whole lot better off to tell her, she will find out and if it comes from you, its going to be better for her than hearing it off anyone else. Do stress the fact that you two were broken up and you believed there wasn't a chance of you getting back together, when people break up they generally hook up with someone else to try an forget and make themselves feel better , you won;t have been the first to have done it. But if you think she's never going to find out you could look at the line, 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her'. But its lookin like she will find out, seens as they all know each other, it will stand good to you if you tell her first. Hey you never no, she could have hooked up with someone else too! And is scared to admit it for the same reasons you are! Good luck with it all!
...............................
|
