A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A question for the married women: what could your husband do to spark a fire of romance, excitement, strong feelings of love or attachment? I feel like my wife is drifting away. What things can I do to rekindle her interest, return that warm glow of affection? I need some spefic actions I can take. What would make you feel thus way toward your partner?Thanks for your help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Clean up without being asked and do things that he doesn’t normally do….
Bring me flowers without any reason…
Tell me I look nice when I do…
Ask me to wear a certain outfit you really like when you take me out…
Hold my car door
Call me during the day (or text or email) to say “I miss you and want you let’s go out to dinner”
In other words COURT ME 24/7!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is the OP. Thanks much for the answers, all very helpful. I think I am OK with the Romantic stuff. The "I love you's", telling her she is beautiful, etc. I just did arrange a weekend away at a very nice hotel, which was great while we were there. When we came home, I once again got the feeling she was drifting from me... I think you are correct that if one is already doing the romantic stuff, even more of it seems a little bit separate and clutching.
I think I could work on my social dominance. For example, I have a career that intimidates people, both because of what I do and the amount of money it generates. I ALWAYS downplay it to make people feel more at ease with me. Maybe it's time to let a few of the details out (not the money obviously). I also defer to her on almost everything, because I am a very laid back person. I think I will try stating some firm opinions, just because, and see if all these things together have an effect!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Well, it's one of two things.
Women are attracted to men in two different ways (actually, the same is true in reverse - you're attracted to women in one way when they're sweet, feminine, and sensual; you're attracted in another when they're hot; a woman lacking one element can still be attractive in the other way). The first is the more emotional attachment, the kind that one gets from romance, cuddling, all that longing-gaze stuff. The second way comes from being confident, socially savvy, and successful.
Think back to when you first starting dating. Likely, you worked very hard to show both that you are a decent guy with a romantic streak, but you also worked to show her that you were a confident and outgoing man with either status or the potential for status. So many long-term relationship problems could be avoided if people realized that you never really get to stop wooing the other person, and that wooing includes both the affection and the attraction.
Now, we'll take it as a given that your wife is drifting away. If you're already being romantic and attentive, but not being confident and outgoing enough, you can't solve the problem by being more romantic and attentive. To put it in gender-flipped terms, that would be the same as if your wife were devoted, loving and feminine, but 100 pounds overweight - a romantic getaway isn't the solution. Same with the reverse: if you're already a supremely confident, socially capable man in a position of power, but she's not getting enough emotional intimacy, you can't solve the problem by becoming even more dominant. That would be the equivalent of having a gorgeous but disrespectful and emotionally distant wife - improving her already-good looks isn't the right approach.
Typically, most decent guys don't skimp on the romance, they skimp on being attractive. Women never really get over their need for a confident and socially savvy men (your stereotypical bad boy being one of them), nor should we expect them to - that would be like expecting men to stop liking physically attractive women. If this is the case, you need to find a way to reassert yourself. The good news is that there are a lot of ways to do this. Join a club sport and get physically active, then become team captain (physical exertion, leader of men, something to be passionate about - all good points). Rock climbing and any kind of martial art work best. Or, if you're in a highly competitive field of work, work for a leadership position, and let her know you're doing it. Take her to a company function and introduce her to anyone who admires and respects your work. Use your imagination and apply it to your own life. At the same time, be more confident, outgoing, and socially dominant (*not* domineering, there's a difference) at home. For example, if she ever asks for your opinion (even on something trivial like, "what should we have for dinner?"), always have an affirmative answer ("Chicken Parmesan with brown rice, and you're going to help me make it."), *never* something like, "I don't know, whatever you want, dear." Flirt openly and confidently with her all day, every day, and not just when you're horny. Foreplay starts when you wake up (breakfast is a good time to give her ass a squeeze). The point is to build yourself up as a catch so it's easier for her to be attracted to you.
On the other hand, if you've got all that covered, then you can try for the more romantic and comforting gestures. Cuddle up with her and watch a movie with a bottle of wine. Tell her she's beautiful for no reason one day (don't do this so often that it loses its impact, though). Give her a shoulder massage and invite her to tell you about her day. You know, comforting affectionate stuff, the point being to show that you care.
Figure out which you need. Also, take her dancing more often. Few other activities can manage such a perfect balance of comfort and attraction. Getting back to that dominant-versus-domineering thing, dancing is a good metaphor; you lead, and she follows because you're leading her where she wants to go, but where she can't go without you, and not because you're dragging her along. Sign up for some swing dance classes and tell her to get something appropriately slinky to wear. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, looseygoosey +, writes (14 March 2012):
I would suggest "dating" her again. Invest time in one another w/out the stressors of everyday life. Involve more foreplay and don't go for the gold everytime you touch her. Let passion slip back into your lives, allow the longing and wanting of heavy petting w/out intercourse leave her wanting more. And most importantly don't pester her for sex, it will only make her want it less.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (14 March 2012):
 The best way to get back into romance and together time is to book a romantic getaway or vacation, preferably vacation. Just you, her and a beautiful location with some great scenery.If you cannot do that because of finances, I suggest doing something with a surprise element. Get tickets to a show/event that she likes. Go to a spa and follow it up with a romantic dinner. Surprise her weekly or bi weekly with thoughtful action (making dinner), flowers, a lovey dovey note/letter.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Take time to notice her. Look her in the eye across a room in the way you did when you first met her. When you lie together, gather her in your arms. Kiss her on the forehead in the middle of the night, when she is sleeping, or half-asleep. Hold her.
And, of course, have sex with her.
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