A
female
age
51-59,
*rchidRose
writes:I was allowed to see communication between boyfriend and an old colleague. It was sent after we became exclusive. He talked of how hot he still found her and how she still tuirns him on and when they would meet to see where this would lead them. He said lover friend to her. On my reaction.... Ive been told to leave him alone because he feels I dont trust him. He is so angry at me because I cant let my shock go at reading this. Why he let me see it? His reply was that he did not realise how intense it was and he was trying to make her feel good about herself because she has kid trouble. She's been married three times.He wants no contact with me now until- if and when he is not angry at me anymore for my reaction to the letters.This communication happened in the first 2 months of our relationship when I thought we were growing so close.He wants to go see her.. as a 'friend', stay with her and he said he doesnt care what I have to say about it.Am I crazy for thinking they have feelings for one another. He denies it emphatically and says I dont trust him and he feels disrespected by it. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 Good for you,. OrchidRose..... I hope things go much better for you.... in every way,... in the future....
A
female
reader, OrchidRose +, writes (5 October 2013):
OrchidRose is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi All,Thank you for your replies. Much appreciated. I needed to see in black and white that I'm not being 'difficult' or unreasonable here. He has cut off all communication with me. His words were.. don't bother me. He is so pissed off at me because I don't trust him or respect him.Interestingly I also thought that he must think I'm an idiot to buy the 'trying to make her feel good' line.It hurts though. He kept saying that I should see the letter in the context of his relationship to her. Being the helpful 'friend' to a troubled woman. He also emphatically denies any other communication with her since July... hence his anger at me, however, the letters written were at a time when I thought I was tickling his fancy.. seems I had competition unbeknownst to me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 October 2013):
I think he's made it perfectly clear that he is still "carrying a torch" for this girl from his past... AND, he believes that he can get a little $ex from her.... which he might NOT have gotten in the past.... AND, she sounds like quite a tart ("... married three times...") ... AND his "...he was trying to make her feel good about herself ..." line is SO transparent that most of us guys have discontinued using it.....
....AND, this guy has NO respect for you... just enough interest to keep you on the line in case "old G/F" doesn't react correctly to his sexual advances....
Have you considered how happy YOU will be if you simply remove yourself from this situation? ... and look for an honorable guy to be YOUR guy?
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 October 2013):
His arrogance is unbelievable. He’s showing you this communication in the hope that you’ll just go away delighted that he’s been so honest, and he is free to go ahead and see this other woman.
From what you’ve described, his communication with her crosses the line. If he were a friend trying to cheer her up or make her feel good about herself, sure it’s a nice thing to complement her, to tell her she’s attractive, and the nice aspects of her personality. But he’s calling her lover friend, saying she turns him on and arranging to meet to see where it leads. And he’s the one who’s angry at you?
He sounds not only arrogant and unashamedly prepared to cheat, but he’s also controlling. He wants to undermine your confidence so that you honestly believe he’s doing you a favour showing you this communication. When it comes to your relationship, the alarm bells are deafening.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2013):
 End it.
You wrote:
"He wants to go see her.. as a 'friend', stay with her and he said he doesnt care what I have to say about it."
So he doesn't CARE what you think AT all.
She isn't just some random friend he is trying to cheer up, she is his "reserve" for when either he is mad at you or you are trying to tell him what you find NOT OK in a relationship.
Let him go see his "friend" and tell him:" I wish you well in your future, but you and me are over."
Funny enough he is projecting it all back on you. You don't trust nor respect him because you don't think this is OK. That is how he controls you, by making YOU think YOU are in the wrong.
LOOK at his actions, ARE they OK or not with you?
Listen to your gut (or heart) and decide if you want to be with a guy who thinks this is OK. That he can do as he pleases and you are just supposed to suck it up.
Want more for yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 I agree with Janniepeg, except for the fact that , if the communication has been sent AFTER you become exclusive, well, maybe it is not actual cheating yet, but it is pretty close to it and very inappropriate. Same as going to visit a " friend " who has already announced that she'd like to f..k your brains out.
They may not have developped feelings, but surely it sounds they have the hots for each other. And they'd have no scruples in acting on said hots under the pretense of being " friends ".
Serve him his walking papers . Not for being attracted to another woman , but for treating you as if you were an idiot.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 He's blatantly telling you he will be seeing you two at the same time. I would not call that cheating because I would not agree this is an exclusive relationship. He's telling you this because she is just a "friend" to emotionally support so he isn't technically cheating. Based on how he described her, he is tagging her as the sex partner and you the committed partner. Having the cake and eat it too. Her, the single mom with trouble whom he can't bring to his parents, to be used and dumped. You, the loyal partner who does not challenge what he does because he's allowed to have "friends."
Do not accept this arrangement. He's treating you like you are stupid.
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