A
male
age
26-29,
*uentin95
writes:Dear Cupid , A few nights ago I met this guy J . A really funny, laid-back, attractive guy [that was staying with a friend of mine ( J's best friend ) for a while]with whom I shared hours of hilarious/ intense conversation only seconds after meeting. A few hours after we met, I told him I thought he was incredibly attractive and we had the best kiss I ever had . He walked me to my dorm , holding my hand. I was feeling in love and impulsive and risky, so I asked him if he wanted to come in. He laughingly said yes and he did. We had the most amazing night (it was my first time, he'd lost count)Though I'll spare you the details, we were constantly laughing and kissing and staring in each others eyes etc. I'd never felt so comfortable with someone. While cuddling after, we whispered personal stuff to each other. At which point what first was a meaningless infatuation started to be something more. He fell asleep in my arms and the morning after was the best wake-up ever: not only was he still in my arms, he'd grabbed my hand while asleep and at that moment I knew: theres nothing I wanted more than wake up to this guy's body curled up to mine every morning. We cuddled and kissed and laughed for hours on end, until He had to do something and I had a class to go to around 1pm. The class was extremely boring, giving me a 3-hour opportunity to think about J. At a certain point, my thougts went from ecstatic to miserable. I realized some info I had , but had upto that point overlooked: 1. J has never been, and doesnt plan on ever being in a longterm, committed relationship. This was only semi-problem, as I dont feel the need to define relationships either, and however you twist and turn it, the way we slept together was a very relationship-ish thing to me anyway. And i wouldnt have minded an open relationship of sorts. Anyway, there was also info 2, which is much harder to overlook: 2. J lives in Bulgaria and is only passing through in Belgium to see his best friend. I was practically screaming on the inside at that point. After class, I went to see J again. I kinda pretended to be feeling fine, and we had some laughs and some awesome kisses. He also told me he came to Belgium about twice a month ( although he was often too busy with work to actually come see his best friend( who is my dorm neighbour). In hindsight, going back to see him again probably wasnt that good an idea, since I fell even deeper for him during our final conversation and kiss.... So i take the train home for the weekend, all the while feeling miserable and being able to think of nothing but J. I went to bed early, as I was finding it extremely hard to hide my pain from my family. I didnt sleep at all. I felt physically incomplete. Like my skin needed J's skin against it in the same way that my head needs a pillow. I tried crying myself to sleep... But the sleep part never came. I tried using a big teddy bear as a surrogate, but the fluffiness and softness of it somehow disgusted me. I tried to masturbate to relieve some stress, but even that wouldnt go : I couldnt bring myself to even touch it, because it felt as if it was now J's to touch, not mine. I spent the entire night crying , needing his skin and his smell. The next morning my tear ducts were all empty, but I laid in bed for hours wishing I could cry on. Many times I considered messagin J on facebook, but I never do eventually. I just dont know what to do at this point. I cant get him out of my head. I dont wanna get outta bed, cuz then my parents would see how depressed I am and start asking questions. I just constantly yearn for his smell, his voice, his skin against mine.. Obviously, these thoughts are unbelievably unhealthy for me... And I just dont know what to do now.... I know there's no one simple question I'm asking here. But ... Please..... Help.X Quentin
View related questions:
best friend, depressed, facebook, kissing, neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Quentin95 +, writes (7 October 2013):
Quentin95 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody, for your help and your advice. I want to apologise if I ever sounded derogatory or dismissing. I do know and appreciate that the lot of you are way more experienced than me, and gave me the answers that are true, whether I like it or not. :)
xQuentin
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): This is my last comment on your post. I do understand what it is to meet that someone that just turns out to seem to be the one. No one is writing you off. You are a bit caught up in it, and just the way you go on and on about it, is full evidence of that fact. No one is attempting to trivialize your feelings, or kill your high.Just don't dismiss the wisdom of people who are more experienced, and have first-hand knowledge of what you are obviously experiencing only for the first time. People often ask for advice, then spend a lot of time just debating everyone. If you have the answer, then asking the question is pointless.I don't find anything you write to be incoherent nor confused. Just very typical of your age, regardless of how intellectual and mature you may project. The borrowed text-book references, and prose are very similar to a writing project. I never lost sight of the fact tha you're a student. You shouldn't condescend to others. We might just know what we're talking about.Courtship isn't going anywhere. It's just the act of wooing someone you're attracted to. It's an instinct. It's primal.Every new generation comes up with claims like that. You described the talking and chatting all night, and whispering. That's courtship. It's what got you writing volumes upon volumes about that night. He wooed you. That's what was missing from the others. You also got swept away in his looks, and your hormones went crazy. It's really not all that complicated. It's human sexuality.You'll come down off the high eventually. Every person who has responded to your post has had such an experience somewhere in their lives. We all romanticize and daydream. Experienced the sleep-loss, and loss of appetite over someone who made the greatest impression on us romantically. It was around your age, in most cases.It's normal, human, and healthy. This is your experience to cherish and to obsess. To savor every minute of the time spent with someone special. There is nothing in your life that has ever happened before to compare it to.It will wear off. You will meet another guy who reaches that place in your heart. Your feelings are new; because of the limited experiences you've had in such a short span of time you've been on this earth. You can read books and you can listen to stories; but nothing compares to the the best experience of your life. Your introduction to the feeling of love. As nearly every aunt has said, and it's true, this will be a memory you'll smile back on in years to come. No one ever said it wasn't real. Only that it isn't real love. You hardly know him, it takes time; not a few hours. It's mostly chemical and hormones. I know my science and sociology also! The principles you've recently learned, were discovered long before any of us were born.
...............................
A
male
reader, Quentin95 +, writes (6 October 2013):
Quentin95 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know some New Age , as my mom is really into that No offens at all but I dont believe in it. However I might sound, I dont think this guy is my soulmate ( I admit, there are times where I caught myself thinking he COULD be ). I just think he and I could have been great together... Had fate wanted it so... And God , do I wish it had...
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2013):
 I think the love you are talking about is not referring to dating, planning for marriage and kids. It's the kindred spirit, long lost friend that you are able to share and talk with. I agree it is rare to find someone like this. I hate to use the word soul mate. If you are familiar with New Agey stuff you would understand how people say we are all one but scattered into billions of bodies. It's the separation and segregation that hurt us.
Don't even worry you would never find passion like this again. It's just that as you experience life there are things that are keepsakes and are not necessary to repeat because you trade up for bigger better things.
I am content with life right now because I've had ups and downs. I understand people. Life allows you to mingle with people. Your tears flow rivers of joy and sorrow. It's only when you hang on to things that's when you hurt.
...............................
A
male
reader, Quentin95 +, writes (6 October 2013):
Quentin95 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI somehow feel though, that allthou you guys keep repeating how much of a stranger he is, he really isnt. He found out more about me and I about him, in the hours prior to the sex and during the sex, than i've ever gotten to know someone slowly, through dating. For instance : about a year ago, I had a date , and although there was a certain attraction and a hint of chemistry, I didnt feel like I knew him any better at all. Neither of us had felt comfortable enough to open up to each other. ( in fact , every time I tried to let the conversation go a little deeper, he actually closed up ) . Same thing on the next date (which is where we drew the line). Now What happened is I opened up completely to J , in such a trivial, informal situation ( a discussion between friends) in such a manner that I didnt feel like he was a stranger anymore at all. Ditto with the sex whispering. I can say, with pretty high security, that I know this guy much better than Im gonna know whoever the next guy im gonna date is in the same timespan. It's like all the recent studies show: this generation (the one now in adolescence or college) has lost its need for courtship. Young relationships that Don't begin with something as personal as sex or a kiss, are a rarity. On that note, maybe everything I'm saying is still pretty much incoherent and confused, as I sure as hell still am. Maybe I'm just trying to defend the authenticity of what I have/had with J. In any case, please try to not write off anything I say that goes in favour of J as young stupidity, as for instance, I didnt get the info on the courtship rituals nowadays out of thin air or some gossip magazine; it's actually curriculum in my Sociology course. Thank you !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): Clearly you've rationalized that this is most likely not going to go any further, and that moving on will take some time.
But I think it sounds like a great memory. Something you'll look back on when you're older, and smile about.
Don't dwell, life goes on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): No No NO!!! I mean that big special romantic moment. Some just don't compare. It was like a dream. That's how I meant it.
Calm down! You are going to meet so many young men in your future. He'll be a sweet memory!
...............................
A
male
reader, Quentin95 +, writes (6 October 2013):
Quentin95 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE : I'm sorry, but your last comment kinda freaked me out! A once-in-a-lifetime experience?! You're saying I may very well never experience a sexual/romantic ( hopefully both ) thing that awesome anymore in my life? That makes me want to hold on to Jasper even more!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): The memory should remain fresh for a while; because this was a great experience for you. Sometimes these experiences are once in a lifetime; and I surely understand how J made such a lasting impression. The mind adjusts; because it subconsciously knows he is not readily accessible. You're savoring the memory as most people would in your place, myself included.
...............................
A
male
reader, Quentin95 +, writes (5 October 2013):
Quentin95 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, for your comments (some more helpful than others) . For starters, I am and always have been aware that I do not love this guy. Maybe I made this impression because of some bad word choices, that carried connotations I didnt know about. Sorry, I'm Belgian not English. When I said "in love " in line 11, I meant "physically attracted, infatuated, horny". The "something more" in line 21 meant Starting to fall. I'm saying this to make clear that I know very well the difference between love and infatuation and I was at every point aware that I dont love him, as it takes years to actually love somebody. I'm just heavily infatuated with a person with whom I happen to have alot of conversational and sexual chemistry. However, what I call it doesnt change how my body and the involuntary cognitive parts of my brain are acting. Everything about this situation that I can control, i try to. But physically yearning for someone isnt something you can intellectualize or just de-activate with the snap of fingers, as far as I know. You say I should do other stuff to distract me of J. I tried. I watched alot of tv. I studied for my favourite class . I went video game shopping on Amazon and gamed a bit. I chatted with friends. But none of these things I did with pleasure. Everything feels stupid and trivial now that I know what real pleasure is. That night was like a Paradigma-switch that went off in my head: not only do I now compare everything I like to do with that night ( and nothing I usually do even comes close ) I just cant get the image of J out of my head. Whatever I do, he's there in my head, reminding me that physically, he isnt there. The only thing that brings me temporary solace is the fact that I may see him again in a couple of months.
However, Reading your comments helped me see that these extreme feelings will fade away at some point. Though it hasn't at all yet ( I still cant think about anything but him ) , i'm thankfull to those who helped me see that without being inconsiderately harsh. I was also happy to read that these reactions are normal, so I shouldnt go check in at a psychiatric hospital :). I really hope my physical complaints at falling asleep and emotional slopes at every moment will end soon, so I can go back to having fun and studying productively.
Thanks
Quentin
...............................
A
male
reader, Stoney1215  +, writes (5 October 2013):
So after one great night of talking and sex you fell in love with a guy you dont know that does not want a long term relationship because he is from another country and is just visiting.
I understand he was your first. That being said you have to understand the difference between sex and love. You can have sex with a complete stranger and you did. You can not be in love with a complete stranger. Mainly because he is a complete stranger.
...............................
A
female
reader, desiree075 +, writes (5 October 2013):
I think you could switch your attitude towards him, so "He was here, we had beautiful moments together, and now he is gone. I think of him fondly. He was good for the time that he was here."
For all you know, your time might not even have been as good if he lived in Belgium. My friend told me a story of meeting this girl in Spain, and they had such a time that's worthy of a book or a movie. But then when she visited him in yucky old Wintery Canada, the sex wasn't as good. The chemistry had soured.
So enjoy those moments for what they were. Meanwhile, life goes on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): You are very young and have to understand this is a passing romance. You got caught up in a very good experience; and this is likely to happen every-time you meet a very nice guy. It should.In your early to middle-teens, sex and guys are a very new experience. Your body is changing and your hormones are raging. They display your age-group just above your post as 16-17; although you didn't mention it.You are going to go through a series of infatuations and crushes until your mind and body become more mature, and in sync. Now just about every encounter with an attractive young man is going to make you think you're in love. Love is a very strong emotion that requires time to grow. It takes more than a few hours and one night. Your brain is releasing strong pleasure hormones called endorphins. These chemicals give us a strong euphoric feeling after hugging, kissing, or making love. At your age, they are so strong you think you're in love. They are very new to you; but you will begin to understand them.Hopefully, you'll hear from this young man again. However; don't attach your heart too soon; because he did explain his work and distance may keep him away. There will be other nice young men who will enter your life. At the moment, you've convinced yourself it's only J. You will soon discover, this may not be the case. It was a wonderful experience that you'll never forget. Because he was the right kind of guy, it was the right time.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 October 2013):
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't want to look at you as something to fix, because falling in love and the pain is all too natural. There is not much people can say rather than find a local guy, do activities you enjoy, watch great movies, etc. It will pass in time. What you are experiencing is the chemical withdrawal. You sound like you do want a committed relationship and you wear your heart on your sleeve. It is best to avoid people who will come and go. Of course I can always say that but the irony is that people who are unpredictable are always the most attractive.
Having lived a straight woman's life on this side it's not too different either. I am single right now and life can't be better.
...............................
|
