A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I've never posted on anything like this before but I'm really not sure what to do. A few weeks my boyfriend went out with his friends just for a night on the town with the boys. At beginning of the night he and his friends went to a strip club and he ended up getting a naked lap dance. He told me about it the day after but I can't help but think now that I'm just not enough for him. I cannot get the image of a naked girl grinding all over him and it makes it worse that he said she was pretty even though he said it was awkward and it was a mistake.I know this sounds really stupid but this has really knocked my confidence. Im always open to talk about fantasies and things we want to do but then he felt like he had to do this.I feel completely crushed and like why should I bother putting effort into our relationship when I'm there to support him emotionally with his difficult job yet I feel like he's completely disrespected me and my feelings.I feel like im over-reacting a lot and I know this is probably to do with my insecurities but to be honest he's only apologised twice and it sounded quite half-hearted to be honest.Any response would be most appreciated thanks
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female
reader, redolson +, writes (2 July 2014):
I would not be able to deal with that if my boyfriend got a lap dance. To me that is in fact cheating and it would destroy my confidence as well. I understand that "guys don't think the same way" but to me that excuse is bullshit for being an ass quite frankly. If you want to talk about it with him and come to a resolution you absolutely should because throwing it all away is a lot to handle. But you should also ask him, would he be ok with it if you gave another man a naked lap dance and you were the one being ogled and fondled by another man? That is the same situation and you should have him think about that, maybe it will help him understand more of how you feel. I wish you the best of luck! And if it is indeed a one time indiscretion that he regrets, forgiveness may be the best route.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 October 2012):
No this is not cheating. It was not thoughtful of him to tell you but definitely not cheating. This is one of those guy things that guys don't understand why women get upset about.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 October 2012):
 What I think your boyfriend did was on the fringes of cheating. It is certainly inappropriate, especially in a committed relationship but sounds VERY typical of an early 20-something male. In addition, I think it speaks a bit about the liberties your boyfriend is willing to take with your relationship. The good thing is that your boyfriend came clean with you -- so he does trust you and he probably didn't cross "the line".
Guys do stupid things and I don't think his not being able to say no to a free lap dance from a stripper means that you don't or cannot satisfy him. If that was the case, a trip to a bikini-clad beach would put all but the hottest girls off-limits.
It is up to you on where you want to go with this, but hopefully you'll give yourself sometime to determine whether your boyfriend did something stupid or this speaks more about what type of man he is.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): I wouldn't exactly consider this as cheating because it's not like he had any sort of physical intimacy or slept with her. However this is definitely unacceptable behaviour in my point of view. Let's all accept the fact that men have eyes and they all look and enjoy but you definitely do need to set some boundaries when it comes to other women. If my boyfriend got a nude lap dance from a woman, I'd definitely think twice about staying with him because it is disrespectful behaviour towards his woman.
Hope you manage to talk things out with him and do what's best for you. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, lost cartographer +, writes (5 October 2012):
Right. What an idiot. In saying that I have been to a strip club and got a lap dance when I was 20 so I won't judge him much.For one he was completely upfront and he probably knew that he crossed a massive line in the sand. I think that the girls who have posted are reading into the nature of guys when they go to these places. It is something that really doesnt turn you on. sexually it is like ogling over a ferarri, or glancing at a topless sunbaker at the beach. It is something that is new and interesting, but in no way should it make you feel like they have compared you to them. You are special to him and they are an inanimate object.In saying that. THere is no way I would ever do this in a relationship as it is about repecting the person that you are with. Would I have had the same opinion in my early 20s? Sadly probably not. This is more imature than cheating for me. If this is a pattern though then I would be concerned. If it is a one off, stop beating yourself up and him. Tell him to grow up and set boundaries.Sorry you had to experience this though. Immortal princess' advice is good too
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A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 There's no way that i could forgive my boyfriend if he did that~ never. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it but i wouldn't class it as cheating. I would still dump him though for it.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (4 October 2012):
Well I realize from the responses that this is something women generally have strong feelings about. I am pleased I never needed to fess up to my wife on such happenings, although maybe I had usually drunk too much to really remember. I would say for a guy this is nothing to do with cheating. It is just one of those things that makes us different. I never had a one night stand yet all the girls I have been with have and think nothing of it. Well occasionally I end up in a strip joint with mate and its no big deal. We are just different. Now you could expect you man to exercise a little discretion about what he was doing!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Dear Boyfriend,
I really appreciate and love that you told me about your night and what happened. That means a lot to me, thank you.
What's done is done, but from now on, I will not be able to be with a man who goes out and does this with his friends when he is in a relationship with me. It's not appropriate and very disrespectful to me, for another women to be naked and in that kind of compromising situation and position with my boyfriend. Since this is not something we had talked about before hand, there really isn't anything I can be mad at anymore, but from this day forward, let it be known...these kind of activities are unacceptable while in a relationship with me.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 To me that would count as cheating. Not awkward, cheating. It's up to you what you want to do. Like someone else said, if you hadn't already set boundaries about strip clubs you could choose now as the time to do that and try to move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2012):
 First of all a NUDE lap-dance? what kind of skanky club is that?
Secondly, I find it to be within the realm of totally inappropriate behavior but not necessarily cheating.
Did the two of you discuss prior to him going out how you BOTH felt about strippers/strip clubs? Did he know this was a huge no-no for you?
You wrote that he has apologized twice but you didn't feel like he really meant it. Obviously, he doesn't really feel guilty about it and is only saying I'm sorry to placate you. Not MUCH you can do about that. Any number of apologies isn't going to make it up for you.
I think honestly THIS is the perfect time to bring up what YOU think is OK in a relationship and what is not and see if you two agree.
After that I think you need to try and let it go. He can't undo it. So it's up to you to find a way to let it go. Unless it's a total deal breaker for you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 October 2012):
I dont think its "cheating" per se, but as others have stated, you need to establish boundaries about what is and is not acceptable for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): In my books that is cheating. My relationship would be over. If it happened outside of the strip club, some girl naked on your boyfriend, would that not be cheating? My husband wanted to do the same for his bachelor party - I set limits. Private and naked lap dances where he touches are NOT allowed. He still went, had 3 regular lap dances(which I wasn't happy about), but at least he didn't cross my boundaries. Anything in the private room and naked is just too intimate, too naked, too much personal grinding and touching. NOT OK.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAunt +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I know that if I were you, i'd feel the same way too. Whether or not this is cheating is entirely down to you to decide, What do you deem as unacceptable in a relationship and cheating? In my opinion, your boyfriend shouldn't have any naked girl on him but you, its wrong.
He has apologized for it, admitted it was awkward and a mistake. If you're willing to accept his apology thats completely up to you.
You could always give him a second chance so long as he understands you don't want him in these types of places / doing that kind of stuff whilst he's in a relationship with you.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (4 October 2012):
 Well, in my opinion it's definitely inappropriate behavior for a man in a committed relationship. If you and your boyfriend haven't set these types of boundaries, yet, then maybe it is time to.
Have a talk with him about how the situation made you feel. Ask him how he would feel if a nude male were grinding up against you.
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