A
male
 ,
*reenman
writes:After a wonderful one year relationship i moved in with my girlfriend. Now it seems i can't do anything right. She criticizes me for the littlest things like how i fold the bathroom towels, the way i wash up and dry, how i make the bed, where i leave bathroom rug,how to chop vegetables,what should and shouldnt go in fridge, seriously I could go on.. At first i joked about her bossy streak but now i feel useless and my confidence is shattered. I had a word with her to no avail and now i am scared to do the simplest things like make a drink because she will get irritated and show me the 'correct' way.Ok, so i may have been messy at first, and I have bucked my ideas up but the 'put downs' are getting ridiculous.Im scared to breathe..Also, she has put me down a couple of times in company and had everyone laughing at my expense. I would never do that.We had a row the 2nd day I moved in which was my fault.Is this her revenge, or does she have an issue with abuse? I feel so belittled. She was wonderful before i moved in.
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male
reader, greenman +, writes (19 June 2008):
greenman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone
happytochat..your words were spot on and made me stronger..thanks so much. The bottom line is that she in a CONTROL FREAK
Interestingly, before me all her relatonships lasted 4-6 months..what does that tell you? She also starts relationship being clingy...All the signs of an insecure person
thanks again
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Are you sure you are not living with Monica Geller from Friends. Wow she sounds like a right control freak.
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A
female
reader, Kadisha  +, writes (19 June 2008):
Damn! She sure as hell isn't your mother! Your gf is very controlling, i thought i wer controlling but ur girl is just over the top! For what i know, guys don't appreciate a treatment of that kind. You need to have yourself someone whose gonna respect you and treat you with dignity as a man. If she doesn't like the efforts you put on helping around the house she should atleast have the decency to show you how to do things, not run u over like that! You deserve better.. Hope u realise!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): You are in an abusive relationship and unless your girlfriend gets professional help and goes for counselling there is no hope that things will ever really change.
I suggest you talk to her, tell her how you feel and
give her the choice, if she wants the relationship to work, she needs to go for counselling; if not move out; why delay the agony?
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 June 2008):
Do you answer yes to any of the following questions? If so, they are HUGE warning signs you are in an abusive relationship.
-do you feel nervous around your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner?
-do you have to be careful to control your behaviour to avoid their anger?
-are you scared of disagreeing with them?
-do they criticise you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
-do they make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
- do you feel that, with them, nothing you do is ever good enough?
From just reading your post, I think you could say yes to probably most of them, if not all. So yes you are in an abusive relationship!!!
Its not about her geting revenge on you, its about her having a unhealthy and desperate need ot be in control and to make other people feel bad about themself, to make HERSELF feel better...selfish much?
Its not suprising the abuse has started right after you moved in. People usualy put on a Mr/Miss nice act for a while, then once their victim shows some sign of commitment/dedication to them, such as geting married, moving intogether, having sex, etc...they start to change and slowly they become more and more abusive.
This is because she has you 'trappted'. Yet you arent really. Yes its hard for you to just end the relationship because you live together, but you arent trapped if you really do wnat to leave.
Her behaviour is 100% wrong. Everyone gets anoyed by their partner about little things when they do things a different way, and many of those people are able to let their partner know about their feelings in a non abusive manner. So there is NO excuse for whatshe is doing. If this continues it will only get worst no doubt, as that is how abusive relationships go. And your self esteem will continue to go down down down, to the point where you feel that you cant leave her because no one else willwant you.
Check out this website for more info about abusive relationships.
http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/index.htm
So what do you do? Generally speaking, abuse doesnt get beter, it gets worst. People can change, but it can take a LONGGGGGGGGGG time. And during that long time of the abuser changing, they willstill be abusive, therefor, the victims self value will go down the drain. Thats not fair.
Since you are living together, and you probably love her no doubt, you may liek to try and give it a go. Fair enough. So talk to her about her abusive behaviour. Dont be afraid to lable it that to her either. Maybe she will feel ashamed when she realises what shes doing. Tell her its got to stop because its making you feel so bad.
Give her ideas on what is appropiate to say when she doesnt like something you are doing. Tell her how you want to be treated.
Hopefully she will get better. But dont be suprised if she doesnt. No doubt, she comes from a home where her parents treated each other and there children like that. In her home it was probably acceptable. That doesnt mean you should accept it thought.
If thigns dont get better, then its time to leave. Your gf will probably need some counselling to find out why she is abusive and find a way to overcome it. Dont allow yourself to put up with abuse.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Moving in with someone is a big step...and it is not surprising to hear you are having some arguments - this is now about working out what you can live with and what you aren't prepared to let go etc, when you are just dating you still have your own space, control over your own stuff - then you "commit" to sharing that and it can be a bit overwhelming....I think most couples would experience a bit of "jostling" about this stuff.
However - if you are feeling belittled and afraid to do things..that's not good. And this may sound extreme...but I believe squabbling over division of household chores is one of the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown!
It sounds like you are prepared to meet her halfway...yay, compromise is the name of the game...now she needs to figure out how to play fair too. I suggest you sit her down (maybe over a nice meal) and express your love for her and your desire to make living together work...but tell her how you have been feeling and why...tell her you would like to work out how the two of you can communicate/co-exist better - TOGETHER. So - you have to BOTH make some plan - come up with some strategies...
for example, you might say - "ok, lets get a whiteboard and make a list of "jobs"...then divide them",...if you see your list of things to do you might be more likely to remember to do them...that way your GF can see you have done some work/contributed (she is not allowed to pick on you for things not on the list). Maybe you could come up with a reward - so when you both have done your jobs for the week you do something really nice together - it gives you incentive, something to look forward to and the chance to enjoy each other. (It's very different once the boring little everyday life stuff is added to a relationship...you have to make sure you do enjoy each other like you used to!!)
Then there's the differences in how you do things...you need to discuss 'pet hates' and see if you can reach a compromise. At the end of the day you will not be her and vice versa - but she needs to acknowledge what you do do...you should each try "appreciating" each other each day...using a positive statement to highlight something the other has done that has been helpful/good...
eg: I thought of you and smiled today when I was eating that sandwich you made for me - it made me feel really cared about, thanks!
Finally - it is NEVER ok for her to put you down, in public or private - so you should call her on that. Use "I" statements..I feel like crap when you put me down for being messy in front of our friends", I feel really hurt when you critisise my cooking, (make sure your statements are concrete -not abstract like "you are always mean to me"...state the behaviour you don;t like, how it makes you feel etc"...)
these are just some little ideas...hope they help - but try to do something soon...or I fear this will all fester and become a really HUGE problem when it doesn;t need to be!
Good on you for trying so hard!
Take care!
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Hello
I wouldnt say she has a bossy attitude it can be a disorder of some kind because bossy people do have a limit and this one seems haywire.
i.e. I have read a testimony of a woman who has OCD and she said she only had her own way of doing things and she was always on everyone's case if they dont tidy-up, cook, eat or even sit etc etc they way she thinks its done and it drove her family to the mountains and her relationships were non-existant because no man would put-up with her cleanliness etc, etc. when she realised sha was all alone because no one understood that she was sick including herself, she thought people are hate her and they are just unreasonable until she slipped into severe depression and landed in hospital then she diagnosed with OCD and she is now getting help.
so when i was reading your post i recognized the behavioural similairies. However if it happens she is sick, she is the one who will have to admit her problem and seek help. If its just a bully character leave its not worth it living with someone you are afraid of because nothing you do seems right in their eyes.
You may have had a bad start but that doesnt mean revenge is forever the fact that she didnt throw you out meant she wanted the relationship to work, so I dont think her attitude has anything to do with what happened after you moved in. If that is the case and you are sure of it then you might as well pack and go because you will never amount to anything in this relationship so why prolong the pain when you can see things arent working out.
When you sit her down and talk about this what is her response? is she remorseful or defensive that you end up apologising as if it was your fault? if the answer is yes then you are in an abusive relationship and getting out is the best solution because this is just a begining. Because a normal person doesnt marvell on other people's pain especially the ones they claim to hold dear to their heart.
Try talking some sense in to her if its still not working find a family member who knows her well like a sister or brother etc and find out if she had been like this. This will also help you to decide if you can handle staying with her or hit the road. If you dont try you might hate yourself one day if you do find out she was sick and you didnt help her.
Hope this helps
Jovial
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I'm not sure exactly, but it sounds like emotional abuse..
You really need to speak to her about this. You need to convey to her the seriousness of this issue and if she isn't willing to talk to you about it, then maybe that says enough.
Do you really want to live with someone like that? Do you want to take the relationship any further with a person you are afraid will butcher you if you do something wrong? You guys aren't even married yet.. imagine what
life will be like if you do marry!!
If she loves you and is serious about the relationship, she will listen and try to change. Otherwise, I'm not sure if it's a healthy relationship to be in. It sounds stressful for both of you.
Good luck. I hope everything works out.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (19 June 2008):
 When I first got married, little things my husband did drove me crazy.. but time passes and you get used to the things they do. What I am saying is, there is a chance the relationship could work... but.. there must be some respect shown and putting you down in public is not at all nice. I suggest you both go to a relationship counsellor as she does sound like she is a controlling person, so perhaps some assistance from a third party will highlight her faults [yours as well] and help to mend the relationship.
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