A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been thinking about this other guy lately. He and I dated a few years ago but never got to see eachother so we decided to just be friends. I'm getting married soon to the most amazing guy ever and I really do love him with all my heart... I really would die for him (I am not meaning it as an expression.) I'm just getting these mixed feelings about whether or not I love my ex.(Whom was my first real love.) I'm wanting to know if I love him or if it's just one of those phases you hit when your being put under alot of pressure? Can anyone help?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 December 2009):
 You don't actually have to go to school physically to get a diploma. Check out this example from Missouri: http://www.gedonlineclass.com/
There's no cost to enroll there if you are a Missouri resident, and I think that would be the case in other states too. I don't have time to research all 50 for you, you can do this based on your state.
Look, you are ignoring the biggest issue. You're caught up in the matters of the heart, when what will be the biggest impact on your entire life is your lack of an education. Doors will close, opportunities will never happen because you don't have the qualifications for the most basic of jobs. You're setting yourself up for failure by not facing this.
I know you'd rather talk about the boys in your life, it is far more interesting to you at this point, I know, but I have to tell you like it is. It's a distraction to the real issue. You're strangling your own future with your bare hands.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the help... it confuses me a little more but I'm sure it would for anyone in my position. Well firstly any school around here is to far for me to walk to and has no bus that comes out this way. When I did try talking to my counselor all she said was "I'll have a talk with ur parents about this." and that in turn led to more fighting between me and my parents. I would be very excited about getting married but since I've been thinking about my ex I can't even think straight. I did get to talk to him and he wants to hang out with me next week so we can catch up. (since we haven't seen eachother in a couple of years.) When I did talk to him though... I can't explain how I felt... I felt complete and really safe. My heart wanted to jump out of my chest so bad. I lost my breath and couldn't help think about when we first met. How he looked, his eyes!!!!(omg I will never meet anyone with eyes like his. Electric blue that peirce right to your soul and will melt your heart.) I can't get his eyes out of my head and well to be quit frank, I don't ever want to lose the picture I have embedded in my soul of his eyes. If you were to ask me if I had any regrets I would say yes and tell you I really wish I could go back and not screw up with him. What makes the whole situation even more confusing is that he really wants to get back with me and says he's had shitty luck since we split. Even as I think about our splitting it's ripping a whole in my heart and I can feel the scars starting to tear open and burn on the edges. Wow! this sounds more like a diary entry than a plea for help from my aunts. Please help. I'm so confused.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
Here are some numbers for you to call to find that help.
1-800-799-SAFE — a confidential hotline, to speak with a counselor in private, toll-free
1-800-230-PLAN — to reach your local Planned Parenthood health center for support and local referrals, toll-free
911 — call the police, if you feel you are in immediate danger or need help right away
National Domestic Violence Hotline — for information and resource listings
http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
I think you qualify if you've been thrown out of 2 houses and may be thrown out of a third if you don't agree to marry this man.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
The school's guidance counselor should have some help for children in your situation; you are not the first child to have unstable parents, nor will you be the last. The key is to tap the help that's available for you out there, and to do that, you go to the guidance counselor to get started. Tell her you need to finish school but that you have this living situation problem. There are organizations that help people in your situation, you just need to find them.
And to answer your question. If you're not sure, you are not ready to get married. So be honest with yourself and recognize that, okay?
Your future depends on you doing the right thing for yourself now. What is your next step?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm not allowed to go back to my parents' houses. well i was able to find my ex and talk to him.. Now I'm really confused and evertime i think of my ex my heart just wants to jump out of my chest like it's dancing.i can't tell my fiance good bye because I would then get kicked out of his grandmother's house and i have no where else to go. I'm just not sure now
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
So there are no good role models for you in the family, you are doing it for yourself. Wow, that's a lot of responsibility.
He gets so mad he actually blacks out? That must be scary. What did the doctor say about it?
In my opinion, you should work on getting your diploma before you do anything else. That includes getting married, or having a child. You have got to have this basic minimum requirement for most jobs in the country done, so that you have some options if things don't go well for him. The economy is so shaky and teetery that you don't want to rely on him always having work, either. That's simply not realistic in this current situation; it might be nice to dream about the best situation but you should always be planning for the worst.
If you are used to acting as the adult, then why wouldn't it be possible to live with your mother or father again (yes,you'll have to deal with wicked stepmom) until you get your diploma? It's only for a short time, then you can make decisions with a better base for yourself.
Sweetheart, I just want you to have the best possible opportunities for yourself in life, and for your future children. Nothing you have said about him makes me feel good about his prospects for being a stable husband--his responses to stress are extreme and having a child in the mix just makes things more stressful. Not to mention, they are expensive to raise. So I think you should re-think the wedding for the time being and sit down and write down your priorities for a successful future.
You are thinking about your ex, because your subconscious knows you're not ready for this next step and that's why it's bugging you. You have tried to talk yourself into this wedding but the deep down you, the inside you, knows that it's not time yet and it's throwing your ex into your brain so that you realize that.
Diploma should be your number one priority. Most employers won't even look at an applicant without one. The people around you should recognize that and be supporting you in reaching this goal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never got a chance to finish school before I got kicked out of any place.No he hasn't hit me. He won't either.. I told him if he ever touched me I would shoot him. He wouldn't do it anyways he loves me. I try to make him happy so much that way he doesn't get mad and black out. My dad's wife called me a stupid fat whore and I told my dad what she had said and she told him I was lying and he said I was out of there if I couldn'tr accept her. I'm used to playing the adult in most situations. My mom and dad were never home when they were together(mom= workaholic... dad=cheater.) then when they split i moved with my mom and she was the same way so I took care of myself. After a while she went out with friends on Friday nights to go dancing. I was home taking care of yours truely. When I moved in with my dad I thought he would have been home a little more... but him and his wife went to the bar just about every night. When they were home all they did was yell at me and make me clean up their messes. well my fiance knows that I have dreams but he doesn't want me working so hard that we don't get time for eachother. I think his younger sister was most of my problem at his parents' house. She didn't want to do anything she was told to do and the saddest part is that she walks all over her own mother and nobody does anything about it and his step dad treats her like she can't do anything wrong... personally I think there is something going on between his sister and step dad. But what do I know anymore I'm not there. He refuses to go to a counselor... he's not exactly a people person and he has had a lot of hard times that I can understand but some of it he needs to let go of but he won't.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
I'm going to be honest with you now. I see more red flags here than I am comfortable with. Your family relationships are unstable, so there's no safety net for you. That you are not liked by stepparents doesn't seem to me to be a big enough reason to get kicked out, unless there was fighting involved? Threats of some kind? There must have been conflict. And for you to be thrown out before your 18th birthday, that really worries me.
When you say anger problems, that too is a red flag. A man with unresolved 'anger problems' is a man who can cause injury and damage if he has not dealt with it through counseling. A man who sees red and then reacts violently is a danger to people around him, and I fear is the kind of man who winds up abusing his wife or girlfriend. Has he ever hit you?
Another worry is that you seem to think that you are the one responsible for soothing his anger; that is a ridiculously onerous burden on a 17 year old girl, who still doesn't know her role in the world. You are still maturing yourself and you shouldn't have to play the grown up if he is having tantrums like a child. That is just not a healthy or reasonable expectation of you at this point.
And you both are trying for a child, even though you are not fiscally stable, you don't have your own home right now and you may have medical issues? Honey, this is crazy. This is just not a good way to get started off in life. I know that people do it, girls get pregnant and start families, I know it can be done. But WHY would you embark on a life with a man who anger issues, who expects you to bury any professional career aspirations you might have, who doesn't know how to manage grown up and mature relationship discussions without getting mad, when you have a poor relationship with your family and his. I just see disaster and hard times for you.
Did you ever finish high school? Do you have a HS degree or a GED? Do you have any kind of job training at all?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my dad kicked me out cuz his new wife don't like me and i got kicked out his parents' cuz his step dad don't like me. He has a few anger issues and I've been trying to help him out with all that. He has calmed down alot since we got together. He wants to make it where we get by on his paycheck. He told his grandma to use hers on things she needs or wants. That he will take care of us on his paycheck. When I get upset and let him know he wants to discuss it but that gets me going worse and he don't get why. My feelings don't make him mad at me they make him mad at himself because he doesn't want to see me hurting in any way. He wants a child and so do I but we know we aren't ready, but we are trying anyways because we don't know if I can concive.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
Sorry, I just posted that before I saw your latest followup. Which leads to more questions.
Why did you get 'kicked out'?
May I say that if you are living with his grandmother you are not getting by on one paycheck.
How old is he?
He gets angry when you are showing him your feelings? How does that make you feel? How can you express yourself if he won't listen?
Honey, I'm not trying to judge you, I am very concerned that you are involved with a man who is very controlling and you are only 17 still, you've been with him since you were 15, and you don't have much life experience.
Things do not get 'better' when you get married; if anything, they get worse. When you add a child into the mix, I think they get even more stressful. How can you function if you can't share your feelings with him because they make him mad?
Tell me why you got kicked out of both your family's homes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
Sorry, I realized I have a few more questions for you.
What do you think a woman's place in a marriage is?
What do you mean by 'keeping him happy'? Is he unhappy? If he is, why?
Did you 'break up' with your friends or just stop calling them? Are any of them still in touch?
When you say he doesn't like seeing you cry, how does he tell or show you that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't really know.. I think I need to get a job and help my fiance support us either until we are completely on our feet or until I have a child. I've tried talking to him about it but he just doesn't like the idea at all then we get into a "heated" discussion and since I have so much bottled up I cry and make him mad because he hates seeing me cry. I haven't been able to try and find out what a womans place is. I got kicked out of my dad's in february and then out of my fiance's parents' house a few weeks ago. Now we are living with his grandma. He thinks that since we can survive off of one pay check I don't need a job.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
What do YOU think a woman's place is?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I got so busy making him happy that I started to ignore my friends. (keep in mind we have been togther for two years now.) He lives by the bible and thinks a woman shouldn't have to go out to find work. He says a womans place is at home taking care of children and cooking and cleaning. He has a job and wants to support both of us. He wants to pay for our wedding all by himself!! I guess I really lost touch with my friends so now if I have a problem I have to bottle it up because I don't want to hurt him. He really don't like seeing me cry and when I bottle things up for a while I get really emotional when I let them out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
I'm sorry, did you say you don't have any friends? That he doesn't want you to have a job? And that you're not sure you're IN love with your fiance?
What happened to your friends? What is his reason for you not having a job? Those are very important to anyone because friends are essential for good mental health, I think, and having a job gives you purpose as well as income so you have good self-esteem and the means with which to support yourself.
I'm VERY concerned now for you and I am certain you should not be getting married at this point in time. Could you tell us why you have wedding plans?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks caringguy... I don't know where I'm going with my life. In a way I don't know if I am truely IN love with my fiance. sometimes it don't seem like he loves me. firslt he don't want me having a job so any time i press the issue we get into an argument then I'm honestly affraid to have any friends because I can't see them. I don't even remember the name of my best friend that I had before he came along. Ever since he came into my life all i've wanted was to see him happy, because he's had it pretty rough to.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 December 2009):
I'm not sure you're ready to marry just yet. If you were ready, believe me you wouldn't have these thoughts about your ex, you'd be totally for your fiance. I think you need to do some thinking about what you want from life, and really think about whether you can marry knowing if this other guy comes along, you might be tempted. There is no rush to get married and settle down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. Well I'm not doubting how I feel about my fiance it's just I think about this one ex all the time now and I think I might have found him on myspace. I would love to talk to him again but it's been a couple of years and I'm scared about it hurting my fiance's feelings if he found out I were talking to my ex again. maybe I'm not ready but I really do want it to work out for my fiance and me. I just don't know how it will until I do talk to my ex. It really is amazing how one can give such good advice to others but when it comes to taking their own advice it's really hard.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 December 2009):
Okay, thank you for your followup. I guess my reaction is to think that you are still a bit young to be contemplating marriage just yet. This is underscored by your uncertainty as to the nature of your feelings for your ex. I think someone who is fully ready would be able to answer that question, despite the pressure of the wedding. I understand that planning weddings and the joining of two lives together can be fraught with emotion, but generally, the conviction that one has made the absolute correct choice carries you through them.
I know I changed a lot between the ages of 17 and 27, that decade gave me a great deal of life experience and self-knowledge. I was thankful to have that time to reach my own personal maturity, so that when I did get married, I really was 100% certain and there was no doubt at all in my mind that I was making the right choice.
I don't think there's any shame in waiting to get married, it doesn't mean you don't love your fiance, it just means that you might want to do some more maturing before you commit your life to him, if you are not truly ready. Which I don't believe you are. But then what do I know, I'm just a random aunt on a website!
So in my case, I did NOT go through that phase of wondering. I was certain. It made getting married a whole lot of fun, I can tell you that!
I wish you well, whatever you decide is right for you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (10 December 2009):
 Oh, okay, you're 17-18? I'm sorry, I should have read that. Well, maybe this isn't the right time for you to get married quite yet. Why not stay engaged for awhile so that you can sort your head out and make sure that marriage is the right thing for you? With time comes clarity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know usually people get cold feet and all but, I'm not thinking about all the other guys I've been with it's just this one guy that I think about. I've been thinking about him for a long time now but the thinking keep becoming more and more prominent. The little voice in my head is really confused too.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (10 December 2009):
I kind of think it's a phase, but at the same time if it's super intense, you might want to listen to the little voice in your head. Maybe it's telling you something about your current relationship and if that's what you really want. But, often before a marriage, the cold feet can strike and you can start desperately looking at all your fellas past, and you start wondering if you 'should-have' this (I should have dated more, slept around more, oh God oh God). It sounds like what you're experiencing is normal.
But, don't discount it if it feels serious. Maybe this is your gut telling you that you're not ready to be totally committed to one guy quite yet.
Do some thinking and good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 December 2009):
Yes, I'd also like to check your age.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm 17 going on 18 next month.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 December 2009):
Before I answer, how old are you? The age range is 16-17. Is that correct?
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