A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So, I was discussing with my boyfriend how a woman got rescued from being kidnapped. I then proceeded to make a comment that one always needs to be aware of ones surroundings.My boyfriend turned to me and said "No one would kidnap you." I asked what he meant by that. He then said "Because you are too old." Then he said "Just kidding." Then he told me he loves me. Is this passive-aggressive verbal abuse?The conversation I was having wasn't even about me, but he made it about me.His comment took me by surprise. I felt it was better not to say anything. I did walk away to another room. That comment did smart.I would never say anything like that to anyone, even in a joking manner.Am I being thin skinned about this and should I let it slide?I am 54 by the way. I am "well aware" of my age.In my first marriage I was called every name in the book and screamed at, at the top of his lungs for everyone to hear, left to fend for myself if my car broke down, it was too far for him to drive to help me, even if he was home and if I called home several times in a row for help he would scream at me over the phone, just a few examples of the abuse from my first marriage, so I know what verbal abuse can be like.Understandably, I get a little jumpy when people say stuff like that to me.His comment did hurt me but I don't want to be so oversensative either. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 September 2013):
 "I felt it was better not to say anything. I did walk away to another room. That comment did smart."
Does he know about the abuse you've suffered and that you may be hypersensitive to words that people who haven't experienced it shrug off as no big deal?
Is this a safe relationship? Can you talk to him about things that concern you?
If it is, then it's time for you to start to learn to express yourself through words, instead of withdrawing and allowing the words to sting for far longer than they should.
"I love you too, and I'm so happy I can say this back to you. That comment stung me and hurt my feelings. I'm keenly aware of my age. I know that you are a kind man and didn't intend to be mean, but I would still appreciate an apology."
You may feel better if you start to give yourself permission to speak your truth. Say what you feel, when you feel it. You don't have to bury those feelings any longer, to keep yourself safe.
If, however, this is NOT a safe relationship, and you cannot say anything back to him, then I really think you need to get into counseling to work out why you self-select men who are abusive.
And you were right, in the base case. People should be aware of their surroundings. You may not get kidnapped, but there may be an inattentive or drunk or texting driver just about to run over the curb or into your car. Someone may be about to try to lift your wallet out of your pocket or liberate your mobile phone from your bag.
Are you in a safe relationship in which you can express your hurt and your feelings without retribution?
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 September 2013):
 It was not verbal abuse. You were talking about being aware of your surroundings, and he was trying to make a dumb joke. You are already touchy about your age, so it's called "stepping on an emotional landmine" when someone inadvertently says something that hits that little sore spot.
For it to be verbal abuse, he had to INTEND for it to hurt you. It wasn't passive aggressive, and it's clear from what you said that he wasn't intending to hurt you. And like others have said, most of the stories about CHILDREN or adolescent/teenage girls being kidnapped. He probably took your talk about being aware as anxiety, and he clumsily tried to reassure you and then made a stupid joke.
You are jumpy due to your first marriage being abusive. An analogy would be...what if you had been doing work on a ladder and fell off, bruising almost every square inch of your torso and maybe cracking a couple of ribs. Say a friend of yours who didn't know that happened to you spots you at a restaurant, runs up to you and gives you a big hug. It would hurt like hell, but your friend had no idea and certainly didn't INTEND to hurt you.
Your heart has been banged up from your previous experience. Your boyfriend is like the friend who ran up and hugged you after you fell off the ladder. You still have the bruises from the bashing your ex gave you.
Does that make sense? He didn't mean to hurt you, but your past made you bruised.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 September 2013):
 That would be "Ransom of the Red Chief".
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 September 2013):
My husband once told me that if I were ever kidnapped it would end up being just like "The Randsom of the Red Chief". A lovely short story by O. Henry.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 September 2013):
Sounds like it was just a joke to me. I'm not sure why you'd suggest verbal abuse even if it hurt your feelings.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 When we talk about people being kidnapped, it's usually children. I know your conversation was in the context of a woman being kidnapped, but maybe he was only half-listening to you. Men do that ;)
I think your second reply from anon is astute and hope you take her suggestions on board. It makes complete sense that you'd be hypersensitive to this sort of remark if you had someone chopping you down for years.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 It was a joke. Not an excellent one, maybe, but there was no malice behind it.
Do you ever watch old TV comedy shows ?... Think of Fred and Ethel Mertz .Or the Honeymooners . Or, in later years, I don't know... George and Mildred Roper ... the Jeffersons...
All these TV spouses aren't particularly nice to each other, at times, there can be pretty sarcastic.
And you know why it works ? Why the audience laughs, rather than being upset or surprised or worried it ends badly ?... because it is obvious ( the actors have been very good in conveying it ) that under all the bravado, and the ribbing and the ..needling, there's a strong, true, solid bond, a really deep feeling. The bantering husband knows, the long suffering wife knows, and the audience knows too.
Of course we are talking about great comedians, maybe your husband does not possess naturally the same flair or comic talent . Maybe you can send him to an improv class :) ?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (6 September 2013):
 Sorry but I think you're being a little over sensitive.
I think he only meant it as a joke but obviously if you have a history of being put down and called names then you will automatically be defensive.
My first husband was a tactless oaf and always liked to publicly humiliate me and put me down at any opportunity, so I do understand how you feel.
It's an old adage but very true, time is a great healer and as time passes you will get less defensive but you do have to work at it.
Keep reminding yourself of your worth, if you believe your wonderful, others will too.
As for age, well, as far as I'm concerned I'm getting better the older I get and I think that's true for most women.
The older you get the more you know what you want, what you like and who you are. You'll have life experience and knowledge and know what you want in the bedroom!
Believe in how great you are and learn to laugh at yourself a little more. It's good for you.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (6 September 2013):
Having been in a verbally abusive relationship myself, I also know what it can be like. The comment by your boyfriend as you described it does not in any way seem to be abusive. It was a careless joke that was very likely not intended to hurt you.However, you are clearly still hurting from your previous terrible relationship. It may be worth explaining to your boyfriend that because of your past (terrible) experiences (you can go into as much or as little detail as you feel is appropriate at the current point in the relationship), comments and jokes like the one he made can hurt you very much. You might also consider professional help, as was suggested by the anonymous female Aunt.There are very few "shoulds" where feelings are concerned. You felt the way you felt about his joke. You were hurt and frightened. Those feelings are neither wrong nor right; they simply _are_. Never let anyone, including yourself, tell you how to feel. It is more productive to try to understand _why_ you feel the way you do and what can be done to improve your situation.On the other hand, there are definitely "shoulds" where actions and words are concerned. You probably should explain to him that his joke hurt you and that he needs to be careful not to make deprecating jokes at your expense. And you probably should not break up with him over this incident alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): Aw, he was just teasing you. You're being a little over-sensitive. It's just a little marital-ribbing. The sugar had a little salt in it. Forgive the old coot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): Again going to disagree w the other posters....this was passive aggressive and your smart to be aware of early signs of a potential abuser...not saying he is but could be i would have said something right then and there if you give a little here and there it shows you don't have boundaries then this blurred line can put you in harms way....it was a mean mean joke n a serious matter...my red flag is standing up
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): Abuse starts small. I would monitor his behavior more closely and see if this progresses.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 September 2013):
 You're being over-sensitive. he was clearly just joking. I think you're taking your past experiences with your husband out on your current. which is somewhat understandable. but your bf is not your husband. What happened with your husband is in the past and needs to be left there.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (6 September 2013):
 HI
Im sorry but your being thin skinned here, he was making a silly joke, yes it was of poor taste if he knows your not one for taking a joke, but definitely not abuse. I think you need to lighten up a little. He told you he was only joking straight away followed by he loves you, Let go of the past and let your hair down a bit.
Mandy
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 September 2013):
 I dont think it was verbal abuse, I think he just made a bad joke and then tried to make up for it afterwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): I, too was married to a verbal abuser. I want you to know that you are not alone in this.
Being called names or screamed at over an extended period of time does something to our minds.
Any comment, big or small, when we do "finally" seek to be in a relationship will be analyzed. We become sensitive to what people say and how they say it to us. I can totally understand because I have been there myself. We don't want to be hurt like that ever again.
I have also seeked professional help to sort it all out. That is what I recommend for you too.
Coming to boards such as this is fine, and I have done my fair share of those myself, but a professional opinion will help you see things in a clearer light and help you make the right decisions and steps in your life.
Your boyfriend's remark might have been off the cuff and just not thinking before he speaks in this instance, unless he has done this on several other occassions and there is a pattern to his behavior.
I recommend keeping a daily journal of your life as well. That helped me. Also, purchase The Verbally Abusive Relationship book by Patricia Evans. The books really gives an insight into verbal abuse and how insidious it can be.
Again, I do understand, because we don't want to be hurt like that over and over again. The scars are on the inside and we can carrying that around with us for years and we become hypersensitive to any remarks made towards us.
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