A
female
age
41-50,
*unny Peck
writes:Hi,I am a single mom, with one pre-school child. I live with my boyfriend. My question is about expenses. We split the rent 50/50, I buy all the groceries, and he pays all the car expenses(it is his car). He will not share any expenses regarding my daughter. He also makes more money than me and I split my rental assistance with him. Should I keep my assistance for my potion of the rent. Is this a fair arrangement?I have more expenses than him.
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female
reader, Bunny Peck +, writes (19 October 2011):
Bunny Peck is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to a few replies, we have been together for 2 years, and have been living together for 3 months.I left the place I was staying at because it was not big enough to move him in and vice versa. We both paid under $500 rent at our old place. We thought by splitting the rent and subsidy we would both be paying less, instead of just me paying less and him paying more(than he was at his old place). But I now have more expenses incurred by having to feed him...This move was supposed to help lighten our financial burden, but it has created more expenses for me!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 It's very hard to comment about other people's financial arrangements, money and how to handle it is a very individual issue, influenced by various different factors, values, expectations, circumstances, I don't think there is ever a one size fits all.
Personally I can say I'd find many faults in your arrangement, like : why are you sharing your housing allowance with him ? That's for you because you are a single mom, it's something that comes to you because of YOUR special circumstances , same as if you had a disability pension. If he wants 350 toward rent too, tell him to get himself pregnant.
Why is your buying all the food countered by " he's paying for the car" ? Of course he is paying for the car, it's HIS car ! If he sells it, he gets all the money. I am sure he gives you rides and takes you here and there , but... that 's what car owners do with their nearest and dearest, and it's free of charge . If someone wants you to pay for lifts in a car that you haven't agreed to pay together and split costs for - ... he is a taxi driver :)
Then again, why do you expect him to contribute toward your daughter's expenses ? Your daughter has a father , and if you can't support her on your own, this father is the one you should ask money to. Your boyfriend is just that - a boyfriend, he did not marry you, he did not ask to adopt your child, he has no obligations toward her . Some as you would have no obligations to split the costs in case your b/f should decide to put his mom in a nursing home and pay the monthly fees.
As for him making much more than you, well, frankly I think that a decent guy would spontaneously OFFER to contribute more , simply because he can, not because he should. After all , if you care about yur partner, you don't want to see her / him struggling, you don't want to
wear a designer wardrobe while she/ he is wearing Walmart jumpsuits. BUT we can't make generosity mandatory, so, technically 50/50 of the expenses is fair. Cheap, but technically fair.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 You don't state whether you've been with him for a few months or a few years... how anyone can make judgement without that information is beyond me.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (19 October 2011):
the fact that you're asking if this is a fair arrangement, suggests that you already think it's not a fair one. Or else he is the one who has made it clear that he thinks it's not fair.
maybe this is more about different levels of commitment and investment in your life together? Maybe you see this as a committed situation and that you three are a nuclear family, whereas he doesn't.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 October 2011):
 IF your "relationship" has deteriorated such that you are trying to quantify it financially, then it's probably pretty much on its last legs....
Good luck......
P.S. The arrangement you described is pretty fair....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): "If you are not happy and don't agree with it then it's not right. for ME personally, I think that all funds should be co-mingled in a home and everything that is mine is yours and everything that is yours is mine. That means that everything goes into one bank account and all bills get paid out of that."this sounds good in theory and I think it works well for many couples IF both partners are responsible, there is mutual respect and honesty in the relationship concerning money, AND both partners are pretty equal in how much each person is contributing to and taking away from the joint account for things that affect only them and not the other person.See, when I got married this is what we did. We shared all money, joint accounts all around. But quickly I found that something wasn't right. Money kept disappearing from our joint account despite me continuing to put part of my paychecks in. our debts steadily increased even though I hadn't done anything different. My husband was very secretive about what he was spending money on. Would conveniently lose bank statements or receipts as an excuse to not explain in detail what he was spending money on. He was self employed by the way, so his business finances got mixed into our personal joint finances too. a few years later, I found out he had been keeping financial/debt secrets from me and using "our" money to finance bad business ventures of which I had no knowledge. As a result, I immediately separated all our finances, because I had to ensure we continued to have enough money to pay for our living expenses, rent etc. So I had to protect "my" money from him, so that he wouldn't use "my" money on things I disagreed with and leaving no money to pay for the rent or food.So no, I don't think that "what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours" works for all couples just because you are co-habiting of even legally married. Some people will drain all the joint money by themselves, leaving their partner (and themselves) out on the streets in the end. You don't share all your clothes with each other, right? Clearly even though you're a couple or married, some things are still yours and some things still belong to your partner. That's not to say you can't ask your partner if you can have access to something that belongs to them. That's fine, but that means they have a right to say no. You don't own their things (and thereby take away their right to choose what to do with those things) just by the fact of being married or in a relationship with them, is all I'm saying. And money can certainly be one of those "things" in question.In the OP's case, I think it's fair that your boyfriend doesn't share any expenses that have to do with your daughter. After all, you're not married, she's not his daughter or his step-daughter, you could up and leave him any day if you wanted and he would never see her again.Yes you have more expenses than him. That is your problem. You don't get a partner to relieve you of financial burdens that you incurred on your own separate from him. If he didn't have a say in creating those expenses, then it's only fair that he not be expected to pay for them.Now if you two got married, it would be different. By being married you're now uniting together as a family so he would THEN have an obligation to support your daughter. But I would still say that he wouldn't be obligated for whatever expenses or debts you incurred from before you got married.And no I don't believe in the old fashioned "man bears all the financial burden, and woman's obligation is to take care of the house in return." that's just about the most UN-equal arrangement I can think of. I'm sure it works for many people, but many have also been trapped into bad life situations by it (and I don't just mean the woman either.) I believe that we should all bear personal responsibility for ourselves, and not be looking to someone else - EVEN a committed relationship partner or spouse - to take over your responsibility for you. And trying to "barter" one burden for another (like man = financial responsibility, woman = domestic upkeep) is inherently unequal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): "I feel that if we are going to split 50/50 should he not contribute to some of my child's expenses?"How is that equal? No offense, but that doesn't make sense to me at all.If you're not married, he doesn't have any responsibility to pay for your child's expenses. Do you not receive financial contributions from the child's biological father? I think he's the appropriate person to expect money from, not your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Call me old fashioned, but I do believe that the man should contribute financially more to the family than the woman, especially if he makes more money. I'm not promoting the notion that women shouldn't pay for anything. In fact, they should be financially independent and pave their own way in life, but if you're sharing your life with a man and living together and he feels as though he has no financial responsibility to your child, there's something amiss. How can you be truly invested in a child's well being without the financial side? Roof over their head, food, doctor visits, toys - all require money. How can you have a loving relationship if he isn't willing to spend any money on your kid?I can understand his side of the coin - I do - but that type of thinking is pretty selfish. If something were to happen to your parents and they needed to be taken care of, he wouldn't help out with that either. To me, if you're not willing to financially pitch in for your partner when you're in a serious relationship, you're pretty selfish and cheap. Clearly you're not OK with it and no one on here will change your mind. The two of you have a different outlook in life. The real question is - will you be able to make peace with it?
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A
female
reader, Bunny Peck +, writes (18 October 2011):
Bunny Peck is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you RedAthena, but he benefits from my being a single mom, due to my subsidized rent... we pay $1000- $500 each, but because I am a single mom I get subsidized $350 for my rent. I split that with him, so we pay an equal share. Should I keep all the subsidy and use that for only my share? If I was not a single mom he would not receive any subsidy. I feel that if we are going to split 50/50 should he not contribute to some of my child's expenses(I don't expect much really I just asked to split vacation expenses with me, I take care of everything else)?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): You are buying all the groceries, no that doesn't seem at all fair. He would have his car expenses no matter what. If you two break-up he will have a car, you aren't going to get back all the money you spent to feed him daily. Yes you should keep your rental assistance for you, he shouldn't take half. You have a daughter to take care of too.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 October 2011):
 I think both of you should be contributing to the care of your living arrangments. Rent, utilities, food for entire household, maintenance, etc.
The things you each had BEFORE each other (kids, debt, car) you are responsible for each your own.
Assuming your bf is not your child's biological Father, you need to address the finanical needs of your daughter with the right resource. Your bf is not her step-Daddy and not your husband, so it would be unfair to expect him to step up to that responsibility.
Instead, since you invited him into both of your lives, look at the role model he leaves for her. Is he he kind and affectionate with her? Is he a responsible adult?
Think of non-financial ways he may be contributing too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): Well it is a bit difficult to give an accurate judgement. for instance are you two in love with each other or are you living together to ecconomize in expences. I would say being the male in the house he is expected to bear a bigger share of the expences or if he can afford it he should bear all the expences really and let you have your earnings for your pleasure. also he should marry you if nothing is preventing him from that. no question. b/c that will be a way of expressing his love and care for you and your daughter as also you would be expected to do the washing and cooking in the house as your expression of love and care for him. Having said that ofcourse there is no harm in helping each other whether in sharing the expences or the house work like all couples do. That is my opinion. maybe old fashioned but I think it goes for most happy couples.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2011):
 If you are not happy and don't agree with it then it's not right.
for ME personally, I think that all funds should be co-mingled in a home and everything that is mine is yours and everything that is yours is mine.
That means that everything goes into one bank account and all bills get paid out of that.
I make nearly 25k more than my boyfriend and yet everything is 50/50 for us. I have two grown children but one is disabled so funds that go to my kids come out of OUR money.
It's OUR home
It's OUR money
this is what works for us.
it does not work for all. many folks keep their funds seperate. you have to find what works for you.
for me, if you are willing to live with someone and sleep with them, then that means you want to share your life... to me that includes finances. of course he took on all my debt too... it goes both ways
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