A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When my wife and I fight, nine times out of ten it has to do with my parents. I feel like it usually comes down to a cultural issue. Im from SC and my wife is from Oregon. We currently live in my hometown in SC. My entire family lives within an hour of us. We first fought about my family being around a lot and seeing them too much. Most recently concerns this: My wife went to my parents where our 3 yr old daughter was staying. My wife doesnt like our daughter having too much candy. My parents got her a particular brand of candy, which they tried to hide from my wife. It blew up quickly. My dad threw the said candy out the door into the yard and left. My wife and mom got into an argument. Now my wife is mad at me because she says I didnt stand up for her and that my parents disrespected her. I dont see it like that. I see something being blown way out of proportion. My wife says she doesnt respect me anymore, doesnt feel the same about me, and can't say "i love you" nor hug me nor kiss me. I feel that a grandparent giving their grandkids candy is normal, as is families being very close. What the heck? Am I right with our cultural differences just being this great or what? Is my wife right? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 January 2013):
I can sympathize with this a bit as my culture is VERY different from my fiancees. For starters, your wife is your daughter's mom, and both she and you are in the first line position if you will. By that, Im mean when it comes to what your daughter does and does not do, what the two of you say go over and above anything else anyone else says, and that included the grandparents. If your wife doesnt want her to have candy, then your parents have to respect that. Further, your father acted like a juvenile by throwing the candy out the door.To my own experiences, I am white, of Northern European descent. My fiancee is Colombian. We have discussed already at great lengths how our children are going to be raised, especially male offspring. This is because of our intrinsic cultural differences. In her culture, boys are almost universally coddled and doted on by their mothers and grandmothers, and the result is often a teen or young man who is reluctant or incapable of taking responsibility himself. (Girls in this culture are NOT treated this way, for whatever reason.) The way I was raised, conversely, is a boy is supposed to be a man, take responsibility for himself, and to have discipline above all things. I want to raise my son this way, and my fiancee wants to raise our son this way. The problem was are going to have is with her mother. I have seen already how much she coddles my fiances nephew, and I want none of that with my son. My fiancee has already spoken to her mother about this, so its a start. At the end of the day, she's going to have to respect the notion that Im the parent and its my way or the highway. You really need to do the same with your parents.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2013):
 You are not talking cultural differences so much as lifestyle differences and lack of respect for parenting on your parents part.
You fight about seeing your family TOO much… so the question is what is too much? You are within an hour… when my parents were within 15 minutes of me and I had small kids we saw them nearly DAILY… that might be too much for some. For others seeing them EVERY week (like Sunday family dinner or something) is too much. So the first thing you have to do is hash out with your wife how often you will see your family.
Now you say your wife went to visit your parents and your daughter. Does your daughter stay at your parents a lot? Why is she not at home with you guys if she’s staying a lot with your parents? The fact that your wife goes without you says something positive about her relationship with your parents.
“My wife doesnt like our daughter having too much candy.” THIS is a good thing. Clearly you think your wife is wrong in this respect or else you would have said “WE don’t like…” but you said “MY WIFE” so you don’t agree with her and just go along for the ride. This is the crux of the problem. You are only giving lip service to your wife and not supporting her fully in her belief.
YOUR parents KNEW they were wrong. THEY LIED to YOUR WIFE and they are TEACHING YOUR DAUGHTER that LYING is acceptable. IN WHAT CULTURE IS THIS OK?
You wife actually is correct here.
1. Small children should not have too much candy (neither should large adults)
2. LYING to parents about their children is WRONG
3. Teaching a 3 year old that it’s OK to LIE is wrong
4. DISRESPECTING a PARENT and the way they parent just because you do not agree with them is WRONG
5. And mostly a spouse not standing by the other spouse is WRONG if they support them at home in this manner. PARENTS do NOT come before spouses once you marry and move on to your own family.
BTW for those that don't know Oregon is Northwest USA and SC (south carolina) is SOUTHEAST.
it can very much feel like culture clash....
Think bill gates meets honey boo boo
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Your parents undermined your wife's authority as a mum when they did something she specifically asked them not too concerning her daughter. You should have supported your wife in this, but because you didn't you are also guilty of undermining her.
When you understand this, you need to apologise to your wife and speak to your parents to make sure they don't do anything like this again.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 I don't know if it's a cultural difference , since I am from Europe, but I can tell you that I would be livid too if my in laws ,or my own parents, would have gone behind my back to do exactly what I had asked them not to do in reference to my child. It's not about candy , your wife is not stupid and knows your kid won't fall instantly sick for a little candy, it's that nobody , least of all a parent, likes to be ignored, disregarded and undermined. Your parents raised their kids the way they wanted, now it's your wife's turn to decide what her children can eat, drink, play, watch, and ALL the family should be supportive. Otherwise you are undermining her authority and the children will soon learn that what they can ignore what mom recommends or prohibits, because who cares, what mom says is not important, dad and grandpa don't listen to her either. And anyway there are other more pliable adults , beyond mom, whom they can " play " and get all they want out of.
It seems , yes, that the episode went totally out of hand , and there was no need to turn it into a huge fight, a polite " warning " should have been enough... if your parents are the kind of grandparents who listen to warnings. I don't know why, but I have got the feeling that this was not the first time that your wife had to struggle to have her rules enforced, and if it is so, I understand how eventually she blew up.
It was also wrong of you to upturn her rules, and take your parents side, - no matter what's your opinion. Parents must show an united front , so if you think your child should be allowed to eat candy, or to eat candy when she is at her granparents', etc., you should have discussed the rules about candy and worked out a compromise with your wife BEFORE the situation could arise.
So, while your wife is being quite too dramatic ( no marriage ends over a bar of a candy ), but that she feels disrespected and unsopported, yes, I totally get it.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 January 2013):
 South Carolina
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (11 January 2013):
me and myself against my spouse
me and my spouse against my family
me and my family against my clan
me and my clan against my people
me and my people against my nation
me and my nation against the world
If your family is behaving poorly towards your spouse, you need to back her 100%. Never fail - even if she's wrong! You can point out to her how and why she might be wrong later - right now, she needs to know you've got her back!
In this instance - she's not wrong either!
SHE is the child's mother. Your parents are not. SHE determines what is appropriate for amounts, types, and timing of treats and such. If she specifically says 'do not give her X' and they do so anyway, and hide it from her, they have essentially told her to her face that they have zero respect for her capabilities and rights as a mother.
She has every right to be flamingly furious about this.
and you are dead wrong to fight with her over it.
The last time my mother tried something like that with my wife I told my mother on no uncertain terms, in front of the rest of the family that if she ever had a desire to see her grandchildren again, she will respect and follow the rules set out by the children's parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Well I'm not sure what 'SC' is, but I presume it is another part of America, so the cultural differences between two areas in America are going to be so small it is irrelevant.
Perhaps you have been raised differently to your wife, and her family morals are different to yours - but that isnt technically 'cultural', it is more a difference in how you were raised and what your family morals are.
I think you are both kind of to blame here.
1. Your parents DID disrespect her by giving the child candy, if your wife has made it clear to your parents that she doesnt want the child to have candy then your parents made a choice to go against her wishes and give the child candy. Ok so grandparents do this often, but if there is a good reason not to (i.e. the mother has clearly stated she doesnt want it to happen) then the grandparents should listen and respect what the mother of the child wants. They 100% should NEVER have tried to hide this from your wife, that just made it a lot worse.
2. You SHOULD have stood up for your wife, your wife has made her views on candy very clear and you were aware of them, so you shouldnt have taken your parents side on this one. This is supposed to be the woman you love, even if you think what happened was pretty harmless you should present a united front on parenting and if that is what your wife wants, you should have taken her side.
3. She is over-reacting a bit by claiming she doesnt feel the same about you anymore, so this is where she is going wrong - she should have explained why she is upset, you should have had a mature discussion about the issue and then worked out a way to move forward. However with you not sticking up for her, then I can see why this has turned into such a mess.
So you did a bad thing by not sticking up for her, your parents did a bad thing by ignoring her wishes, and she did a bad thing by over-reacting so significantly.
What can you do now? Apologise for not sticking up for her, tell her you are going to speak to your parents about giving the child candy, and then hope that she will appreciate the apology and move on. But make sure you do talk to your parents, they have to respect her wishes because she is the child's mother and if she feels strongly about it then they have to respect that.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): Your parents DID disrespect her...I mean come on here!
Read your own post. She is the mother and she doesn't want her child having too much candy...your parents tried to HIDE the evidence...that is SO disrespectful. I am 100% with your wife on this one.
To heck with culture, is your culture to disrespect your wife.
...............................
|
