A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, this is kind of an akward question and i don't really know where to start..i know i'm going to get alot of comments on something that this question isnt about! Okay, so basically i'm 16 and i've had a 'crush' on my ex neighbour for around 2 years now..a couple of months back him and his partner split and he moved out..we've gotten talking quite regularly and we've become quite good friends, he's 36 by the way and has a 3 year old daughter. So recently we've been talking and he always says to me that he's thankful for me being there for him when he's been going through all of this with his ex partner, and he says the strangest things to me sometimes, not in a sexual way at all!! but suggesting that he really likes me, like one time he said "I wish you'd just hurry up and grow up" ..he's NOT going to do anything and i'm not planning on it either!! But the main question that i have is...is it possible that he has feelings for me but he's scared because he knows he can't?! Like for instance, we have each others numbers, and sometimes he'll be really down and i'll send him a lovely message saying that i'm always here if he needs to talk and that atleast i care about how he's feeling...and he'll not text back, but he'll text back any other time!? And also, whenever i see him, we always hug each other but he's always really hesitant..but could that just be because he doesn't want people to get the wrong idea?! He's always saying to me that he can't believe someone my age would put up with him and listen to what he's going through. OH AND ALSO, he once sent me a message over facebook but i didn't recieve it so i asked him what it said and he was like "It says about how i'm madly in love with you"..and then said he was joking?? I told my best friend this and she thinks it's because it's worrying him for how he feels about me?! i know it's strange but please just give me your honest opinions:) like i said, i DON'T want anything to happen.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 June 2011):
 hi
thanks for the update, while there is nothing wrong with offering someone friendship to get them through a difficult time, my worry is that for you it is more than this. he was been your crush for 2 years already and now he has become single and sounds like he is lonely and feels rejected. because of your feelings for him it is easy to get swept off your feet - and believe me, when an older man, on the rebound, with a child is involved you really need to keep both feet firmly on the ground and your head OUT OF the clouds.
its unfortunate, love is great when its right but god it can hurt like hell if you give it to the wrong one! so, in a nutshell, sounds like he is on the rebound - i still stand by what i said earlier, that when he IS over the break up and looking to date again - i don't think he will choose someone so much younger (just a thought - i might be wrong)
the best thing for you would be to meet someone closer to your age who isn't so complicated. he is a gamble. its up to you though if you want to take that chance. but i am guessing that you know the situation is not right or else why are you not being open with your parents about it??
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAngelDlite - Thank you so much for your answer, as for everyone elses as well!!But yes i understand what you're saying, that's why i'm a little confused, he seems to depend on me to help him get through what's happening. He even said to me once that he finds it strange how someone my age will put up listening to him? But yeah, i understand what you're saying about the fact that i'm there boosts his ego..i thought about that.Yes he actually does, if i tell him that i'm feeling down he'll INSIST that i talk to him about what's up..our 'relationship' is really strange, there'll be some days we're he'll talk to me about anything and then there'll be others where he'll hardly talk at all. I mean for instance now, i haven't spoken to him for over a week...which is a little odd.For the reason why him and his partner split..i actually have no idea. I do know for a fact that it was her decision to split though. I asked him why they did split and he said that he didn't know himselve, that his partner just said they needed some time apart..However, i'm not saying this to be biased or anything, and my whole family and a few of my friends who know her and her family agree that she's ...she's not exactly the relationship type, her and her family have quite a bad reputation, she's been in previous marriages before.No, my parent's don't know how i feel about him. They also don't know i talk to him as much as i do, they know to some extent that we chat whenever we see each other, but no they don't know that we hug/text ect.Thankyou so much for your answers...i hope you respond to this:') xxxx
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 June 2011):
sorry but i really don't see how a 16 year old girl can help a man come to terms with his marriage ending since you have not been through the same experiences yourself, what advice can you possibly give him? so when he says he thanks you for 'being there for him' through his difficulties what he really means is that he has been using you when he wants to get his feelings off his chest coz he knows that you will listen and it gives his ego a boost to have a young girl there available whenever he feels like having a shoulder to cry on.
does he do the same for you? does he listen to your worries, opinions, topics of conversations or is the friendship just all about him? why does he not reply to some of your texts when he has reeled you in by telling you he is down? you are probably a great comfort to him and that is lovely of you but i am afraid that when he is over his relationship break up and ready to date again he may just overlook you and get someone closer to his own age who he has more in common with and is more mature and experienced in life than you are.
i am NOT trying to be nasty to you, i just don't like to see you being exploited by a man who may be capitalising on your youth and naivety.
a couple of questions: why did his ex partner split with him? and i mean the TRUE version, not just his take on it. it might be useful for you to become friends with your neighbour (his ex) and get her side of the story
and: how do your parents feel about your friendship with this man? do they know and do they know the full extent of your feelings for him and how he behaves towards you?
x
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (4 June 2011):
 Have you thought perhaps that this 36 year old man may be mis-reading the signals you are giving off?
He is recently separated , therefor probably feeling lonely and he is on the rebound. He wants attention (anyone would do), and you are giving it to him. Here you are a young, fresh faced child, giving him lots of attention, texting, chatting, facebooking, hugging... essentially getting too close. He may think you are throwing yourself at him (even if that is not your intention). He is probably sexually frustrated, and you are over the legal age of consent, so perhaps he is trying it on for a bit of a thrill. To have a young girl fancy him probably makes him feel like he is a man and still has it. BUT NO adult man of his age should be interested in a 16 yr old girl like that. There are so many reasons why that is so wrong.
You may be giving him the wrong idea of what you want - it is highly unusual for a young girl to give a man his age that much attention. It is a very inappropriate thing to be doing.
My advice would be to back off, do not contact him. He is a grown man, he has his own grown friends to support him. He SHOULD NOT be relying on a young girl to help him thru a breakup.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Get away from this guy. You need to be able to mature emotionally and physically, and the way to do that is not to get involved with 36 year old men who are not more mature than to get emotionally or physically involved with a 16 year old.
He's what we call in my area a "creep". There may be a lot of reasons his partner and he split, and this kind of behavior may underlie it all and you won't be able to tell.
Think "can't happen to me", well, my brother was involved with and older woman when he was 17, and he's fucked up around women, and doesn't trust any woman now.
My wife was raped by a guy who was in his 30's when she was 16 and he was being friendly and nice to her, till he got her comfortable enough to get her out of the public eye.
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A
female
reader, GG96  +, writes (1 June 2011):
It kinda sounds like he knows you lik him and he feels bad, thats why he keeps emphasizing the age thing. Listen, he has a kid, so just back off. Your 20 years apart!
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A
female
reader, jdd +, writes (1 June 2011):
Honestly I find it quite strange that a 36 year old is looking for comfort in tough times from a 16 year old. There is a big difference in not only age but life experience, etc. I think I would back away. This situation could become very inappropriate. There are some red flags. I personally think you should not maintain this friendship, but if you choose to do so then I would make it one that is a simple hello on the street.
Again - let me say, I think you should remove yourself from the situation. He should not react, if he is normal --- but I dont think he is and I think you should tell your parent as well.
I am 34 and the idea of confiding in a 16 year old troubles me. I would not! It is inappropriate!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Apologies! A very close coincidence there where we have 2 different posters, both in the UK, both 16-17, both with the man in question aged 36, where in both cases the man is a neighbour/recently became an ex neighbour, in both cases the man has kids, in both cases the man's behaviour is very similar.....very odd! If that poster is still around maybe she has some advice for you? Could be very handy as you are both in an incredibly similar situation!
But sorry again for getting you mixed up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey k_c100,
no, that past question was not me!,
but thankyou for you answer, i understand what you are saying and yes i do have alot of feelings for him..but honestly, most of them are just trying to help him feel better about his life! I was just asking whether i am pursuing this too far and he's starting to realise how much i care for him therefore he's feeling the same...
but i understand what you mean when you say that it doesn't matter because i don't want anything to come from it,
i think i'll take your advice and limit the amount of texts and chats i have with him..so thankyou:')
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (1 June 2011):
 If he didn't like you he wouldn't be spending so much time talking to you would he? And people don't usually give out thier phone numbers to people they don't like either.
So yes it is possible that he is starting to have feelings for you and probably has even thought about what it would be like to have sex with you. Which is why you need to be smart and cool things off with this guy now before something bad happens that you did not want, or were not ready for. He may be a nice guy but even nice guys can be tempted if pushed to far. Especially since he no longer has a girlfriend.
It is great to have someone listen to you and care about what you think and feel, but it should be someone closer to your own age. It is just not appropriate for a 36 yom to show that much attention to a 16 year old girl.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 June 2011):
I'm pretty sure this is you http://www.dearcupid.org/question/-i-have-feelings-for-a-married-man.html (but if not apologies!).
Regardless of your new questions today - It doesnt matter!!! As you said, you dont want anything to happen, therefore regardless of how he feels, why he is acting like this etc....nothing can happen hence it is irrelevant.
I am sure he is worried about how people perceive him when he is around you, he has a young child and to be his age and hanging around with a 16 year old is going to raise eyebrows. So of course he will be hesitant to be overly physically affectionate with you because he wont want anyone to suspect he is a pedophile or abusing you in any way, as this could easily lead to the authorities being alerted and him losing his child.
Imagine you were a 36 year old woman who had a child, and one of your friends is 16 - naturally you would be worried what other people think, even if it is purely friendship people who dont know you both dont know what the relationship is like.
I am not going to say yes or no to your question because that would mislead you - yes there is a chance he has feelings for you, but equally there is a chance that he does not. As I said before - it is irrelevant either way because you dont want anything to happen and he is far too old for you and he knows that.
Stop worrying about something that has a 50/50 chance, and as I have said to you before - distance yourself from him! You have feelings for him, there is a chance he has feelings for you - this could get very messy unless you can be mature here and take a step back. He has just split up from his wife and has a young child, he needs to focus his attention on them, you are just an escape for him at the moment, someone to talk to. But it is not healthy for either of you, so the right thing to do here is back off and cool your friendship down.
Try and stay away from him the best you can, limit your phone calls/texts/online chats etc to once a week or less if possible, and things will go back to normal. Right now he is messed up emotionally and it is clear you have feelings for him (as per your last question) and now you are getting excited that he might feel the same way too. I know you have said you want nothing to happen - but if that were really true, then you would not be on here asking questions about how he feels because it doesnt matter.
Keep reminding yourself nothing can happen and the more contact you have with this man, the worse it will get for both of you. Stay away from each other and everything will be ok.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): He is playing with fire and so are you...this person is about old enough to be your father and you his daughter...and one wrong move, this man could land in jail and be branded as a sex offender...do you want this for him? Go play with kids your own age and find an appropriate male/female relationship with someone your own age, life experiences and with the same sexual experience as yourself.
I understand the crush thing....we all go through it some how or another when we are growing up and admire an adult figure. Take control of this and go find something else to do with your time and move on from this. Best of luck to you :-)
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