A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 15 years. My husband has asked to leave... I have asked for him to stay and let us try... we have been trying for years. I am not able to quite. He has agreed to stay in our home (by my begging) until he finds a place which will probably be in 10 days. I have noticed that he has not taken off his wedding ring... Is this hope that we can still work on things.. When it is over does the rings come off right away, or do they stay on?To give a brief history in a nutshell about us...We met 15 years ago. I was coming from a bad relationship.. I had a child..I originally came from a bad home life..I remember fighting most of my life to get out. I met my husband 9 days after I left the abusive relationship. We hit it off and he moved in 2 days later we started dating, got married 3 years later and had a child of our own at the same time. I have had huge amounts of crap all my life to deal with..my parents were not able to be there for me, I am the oldest of 7. I was tossed around from aunts and uncles to grandparents. Lets say that I never really had anyone and none to count on. I have been damaged by this because I have never really been able to really let people in, cause yeah I am scared of being hurt and abandoned. My husband, had a little better time, his parents worked and dealt with mental health issues. My husband says that he was abused from schools, peers from the time he was 6 years old and that he hasn't been happy.Currently he says that he wants to find his happiness, and that I am not included, because I haven't showed him that I value him and I want him as a life partner. also that I am always angry, that I have cut myself off from the world.. which is true I have. The other thing is that in the past 10 years he has been trying end us, and I keep promising to change, but that it won't work no more. I am so lost. Is there still hope? With him not removing his wedding ring, does that mean that there is still an ounce of hope, that I can make my changes and save our marriage?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Regardless of what you do to save it, have tried to do save it I would quit. Counseling doesn't work, and is more of a joke if one party looks at it that way.
Why make both of you miserable by forcing something that just isn't there. Chances are if you let him go, he will come back to you...You may find that you will get a long much better if he is no longer in the home. (been there)
And DON'T automatically call him, let him call you. Don't assume he is cheatin on you the first night...Try to consider his feelings. If you know this man as good as you say you do, step back when you pick up the phone to call him and tell him to come home...and think about how hes feeling. Realize your BOTH gonna be vulnerable, and give it some time before contact is made again. You both need a breather...TAKE IT. Otherwise, instead of rekindling the fire, you will only douse it. Then, one of you decides which is going to pay for the divorce that is sure to follow.
A
male
reader, LessonsLearned  +, writes (6 October 2009):
Okay, complex situation here. I'm just going to respond to what you've written. Obviously, he'd give a different account of the past. Because you were hurt and abandoned you have shut down emotionally. Fear of being coupled with unacknowledged resentments at those that hurt you manifest themselves as anger to the people you love. Most of the time women with this history do one of two things. You did both. They find an abusive asshole that is gauranteed to hurt you and abandon you. Because everyone in a position of trust did that to you it became your prototype for relationships. You then found a good man and did the second thing. The second thing is trying to passive aggesively turn your good man into someone that would hurt you or abandon you. You raged at him, shut him off, and a million other things I'm sure. Now he put up with it because he was himself abused. His prototypes were people hurting him. So he chose and stayed with you. You satisfied his sickness. Now he's older and wants to get over all this dysfunction. He senses you don't really want to change. Your too scared and set in your ways. So he's actually doing the healthy thing for him and leaving. If you haven't killed all the love he had for you then you have only one option. You need to take swift action immediately. That means multiple daily therapy sessions, (psychiatrist, free therapy groups, counselors). It means you never from this moment on shut him down. You never from this moment on use him as a pin cushion. Odds are he's gone. Whether or not you can save this relationship, you need to do these things now. You have allowed your past to cost you your present, don't let it take your future.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 October 2009):
I'm afraid I also have to agree with Old Guy. Ten years and it's still not sorted? I just don't think it's going to work out. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (5 October 2009):
 I really agree with OldGuy and his comments are sound. I personally think it is time to call it a day. Pull yourself together and let him go. Realistically you are not going to make these changes because you would have done so already so the best thing to do is accept that and get on with things however hard that is.
I went through the same thing in a 15 year old marriage and my husband asked me to change certain parts of my behaviour and character but deep down I knew I couldn't do it and probably if I was being truthful - didn't want to either. Put all your energies inyo looking after yourself and your children. All the best,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): I'll say this as gently as possible, but you need to hear it straight. You've had ten years of warnings, and you haven't managed to deal with the issues in that time. I can't imagine what you could say or do in the next few days that would convince him to overlook ten years of unfulfilled promises.
I'm sorry you've come to this point. It sounds like the both of you have already had your share of hard knocks and then some. It's tragic that your kids are in the middle of all this. But you're going to have to pull yourself together, if for no other reason than the sake of the kids. Perhaps his leaving and your situation as a single parent will force you to deal with things that you've been avoiding.
Don't read too much in to the wedding ring. It probably hasn't occurred to him to take it off, and he might not regardless. If anything, that's probably a sign that he's sincere in leaving to find a happier space, rather than to the arms of another woman.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Summer1951 +, writes (5 October 2009):
It would appear that you are both using your unfortunately life history against your current relationship. You should always remember dont use yesterdays amininition to todays arguements. Let the past lie however painful if was to you both and concentrate on the good things like your family and the both of you and that should prove a winner and get you closer.
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