A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidWhat I want to know is where it would ever be right to tell someone that there partner is cheating on them.My situation is this:Four years ago I was drawn into an affair with a man I work with who was living with someone. He had been with his partner for less than two years at the time. He pursued me for months pretending to be single. I fell for him then six months later he dropped me (by letting him see him in his car with his partner).A few months later he had a fling with someone else (which I knew about but of course his partner didn't).Eighteen months ago against my better judgement I got involved with him again. Now it's overI'm hurting and he has got off scott free. Should I tell his partner. We are all middle aged and no children are involved. Does she have a right to know? Is revenge ever justified?
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affair, I work with, revenge Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): My only apology to OP, was inaccurately stating this man was married, and referring the man's partner as his 'wife' otherwise the rest remains the same!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for the reality check. Some of the comments seemed a little harsh but despite that were 'spot on'.
I think it's unlikely I will be 'informing' on my ex lover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Revenge is the most awful of all human qualities, it does nothing more than erode integrity and make you a spiteful person because you have been unable to RISE ABOVE the act causing you to feel this way. Only demonstrating that you have no control over your feelings or ability to deel with emotional fall-out/pain yourself.
Most revenge is about insecurity, feeling of being powerless, that someone has made choices that directly affects you, which 9/10 have come about either through turning a blind eye to a situation that should have been dealt with initially, or in the OP question, having realised this man was married the second time and remained involved with him. She wants to tell the wife, as believes the wife's suffering will overspill onto the man, thus satisfying her need for equal suffering.
What would be interesting, if she was still with this man, knowingly indulging her own desires, enjoying every single minute of this, sexually and otherwise, would she be on DC asking if she tell his wife..NO she wouldn't!!
What goes between this man and his wife has nothing whatsoever to do with her, and if she had kept some integrity once she knew he was married, she would have held her head high with some self-respect and walked.
She is acting like the spoilt child who can't have the toy she wants, and so stamps her feet and bleats..she needs to get some moral standards before alerting others of theirs!
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A
female
reader, tink29 +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Hey There..
Firstly I'm not going judge you by the mistakes you did or did not make, nor make light of the factor that you have indeed trespassed in this ladies life once already.. but putting that aside; you should tell this lady that he is indeed cheating on her, leading her a merry dance; however you care to phrase it.. but tread very carefully! Don't do it for revenge, do it for the fact that this poor lady has suffered enough with his past affair with you so, she needs to know he's misleading her again. But you should not do this because your dropping him in it so he's getting his come uppence, merely that the lady who is in the dark deserves to know the truth about this idiot. You however, I think feel very hurt and are obviously still raw from him hurting you.. honey, try to move on and forget about him you also deserve better and some inner peace.. so my advice to you is do the right thing and then try and move on from the situation. I sincerely hope this helps take care ;o) xx
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Revenge for what ?
You are a mature woman who willingly entered into a relationship with a man who was already taken. Maybe you did not know that he was not single when you began the relationship- but you could have left him as soon as you knew, and you chose to stay.
Then he drops you, has another fling, stays with his partner, comes back to you ... and you take him back !, well knowing he is unrealiable and a cheater.
You made foolish choices.. and you want to punish somebody else for your foolish choices ?
What about instead taking responsibility for your mistakes and making sure you won't repeat them in future ?...
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Whether or not the guy is getting off 'scott free' or not, YOU were responsible for getting involved with him in the first place, 'pursued' or not. Every middle-woman can spot the Office Lothario. At your age you can't play the inexperienced virgin who was wrongly seduced. We all know the signs that point to a married (or taken) guy who is on the make, every young single woman even at 25 knows how to suss one out. You are just making excuses for your own behavior and your compliance in this joint affair.
If you were her friend instead of a person who slept with her partner; then Yes, you would have an obligation to "enlighten" her. But to tell her as the person who was her partners fuck buddy at the office is mean-spirited revenge that will only humiliate her more than when she eventually finds out. Try putting yourself in her shoes. You KNOW she is going to find out - would YOU rather find this out from the "other woman"? Be realistic and compassionate - it's the least you can do after being complicit in their impending eventual breakup.
Please take the high road for a change. You already trespassed once into this woman's life. Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right. AND if being in the same office building makes it impossible for you to stop ruminating on this guy or further thoughts of revenge - get a new job somewhere else...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): no there is never a right time to seek revenge by trying to humiliate his partner with this intel. It is likely she knows more than you realise. Why rub this woman's nose into your dirty secret? Move on. It is not your business. You are just bitter and so vengefully you seek to lash out at him by hurting his partner with your 'news'. Far better if you be kind to you, by rebuilding your own life. Go on a retreat, seek some inner peace. Spend all day at a spa and get pampered. Get into yoga and meditation to callm your pain inside.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 It would not be revenge at this point. Someone must tell her so can she move on from him and what he is doing to her behind her back. This is not revenge at all.
Tell her.
I hope that helps.
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