A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 8 years now, but i don't like having sex.... I have pretended through out the marriage, used some lubricants and got on with it so to say.My husband has speculated that maybe i am gay because i never seem to be interested in sex... Alcohol has helped in masking these feeling because when i drink i become abit hyper and "interesting" but i am now tired of alcohol and have quit since jan..This makes it worse...i am so boring.i don't mind my state; i am happy when i am alone; we now have 2 kids and a sexless marriage and i am feeling sorry for him. He has got used to the fact that i am not interested...I am now contemplating leaving him, so he can have someone who loves intimacy and be fair because its really not fair for him...However everyone will judge me for leaving a nice man but i don't want to spend all my life pretending or making someone's life miserable.Note: His a good man to me and the children but i am just not into sex: the one core foundation of a marriage
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2022): We often tend to have a low sex drive when we have low confidence about ourselves. Apart from the obvious possibilities like being gay, asexual, having hormonal imbalances, being stressed etc, it's also important to consider the possibility that you don't find yourself worthy and attractive. Our sexual interest is more to do with how we feel about ourselves. Who we have sex with or attracted to is secondary.
No matter how much your husband tries to make you feel sexy, if you don't feel hot about your own body, your interest might be minimal.
Feeling good about our body at the moment, being in a relatively relaxed and happy state, feel accomplished etc contribute to our sex drives. Truth is that no one desires company when they're lonely. When you 'feel' lonely you want to be left alone. People desire company when they feel desirable and wanted.
Do explore these possibilities before you decide to end the marriage. Check for any other missing links- emotional intimacy, communication, sexual compatibility etc.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2022): There is no justification in condemning you or guilt-tripping for not liking sex. There are so many factors that can contribute to this and at least you've come forward and just outright admitted it. I only have a problem with the fact that you pretended and married a man under false-pretenses. You don't even mention if you love him otherwise; which may be one of the major contributing factors here.
I don't care how good-looking someone is, or how much sex-appeal they may have; if you aren't the least bit physically-attracted to that person, sex is unlikely to be pleasurable in any way. If you've mislead someone into a romance for reasons other than being in-love with them; and then decided not to tell that person you're uninterested in sex, the problem is you've deceived someone into a sexless-marriage. Not that you don't like sex.
You had the opportunity to inform your mate if you have issues about sex, or you could have rejected his marriage proposal. Knowing sex and intimacy is definitely going to be part of your marriage.
Is there an underlying medical issue that you've had evaluated and diagnosed by a doctor? Were you molested as a child? Are you a victim of rape? Are you attracted to men? Do you suspect you're more attracted to women? Is your husband a terrible lovemaker? Is it possible you may have Asperger's Syndrome, or you're on the autism spectrum? Is there a major age-gap between you and your husband? There are always reasons for disinterest or discomfort with physical-intimacy or lovemaking. There is an underlying cause; either physiological or psychological, why a healthy young female or male does not like sex. If you were asexual, it's highly illogical that you would place yourself in a situation where sex would be an integral part of your relationship.
It seem that you have not explained to your husband, leaving him guessing; so that leaves deception as a primary consideration, until you are totally honest with him.
If you don't like sex, you likely knew eight years ago that you didn't like it; but thought you could fake-it. Did you realize this makes this simply a marriage of convenience? Maybe he earns a good living, you wanted to have a lavish wedding ceremony, you saw an opportunity to gain Canadian citizen ship (if you come from another country); or it was just a goal to be married and have kids by a certain age.
You don't want anyone to judge you? Not once do you mention love for your husband in your post. You'll just give him up to go find someone else? What about the children? Will you relinquish full-custody to their father? I'm amazed at how indifferent and unfeeling this all comes across. I detect no sadness or remorse about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 January 2022):
 It was unkind to "pretend to like it". You should have been honest with your partner before marriage.
It could be that you are mostly asexual. So just not interested in sex at all.
It doesn't sound like a good idea to HAVE to get a bit drunk to engage in sex. So good that you stopped.
I think you NEED to be honest and talk to your husband.
I FULLY agree with Kenny when he says "Yes i think sex is important, but i disagree that it is the core foundation of a marriage."
I don't think it's the ONE core of marriage.
Whether others will judge you for ending a marriage, is not ON you, that IS on them. They don't have a say, as they are NOT part of your marriage.
You need to have a talk with your husband about all this. And make the solution TOGETHER. be it marriage counseling or a separation or divorce. Figure this out together. You ARE a team, regardless of sex or no sex. And you have two children together. Who needs the BOTH of you. they don't NEED you to be together if you can't make that work, but they NEED parents who can co-parent and compromise and find solutions.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (28 January 2022):
 No one is going to judge you here, we are here to help and offer sound advice.
Yes he may be a nice man, but you are clearly not happy in this marriage, which i suspect has been going on a long while, and maybe is a lot more than just sex. Yes i think sex is important, but i disagree that it is the core foundation of a marriage.
By your own admission you say that your happier when you are alone, so i think you have maybe just become set in your ways and things as they are now are just a way of life for you both.
I would normally suggest getting some professional help, some marriage counselling and see if any out of this marriage can be salvaged.
Maybe this might still be an option, so don't rule this out. But i think in your heart of hearts you already know what you want to do.
You are not happy, and your going through the motions in this marriage, so maybe it is time to call it a day and reach an amicable decision together regarding moving forward.
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