A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is there any way to trust my boyfriend again? After a gut feeling that something wasn't right, I have found on two separate occasions that he has been messaging other girls inappropriately. the messages were SO hurtful. I confronted him and he wants to make things work, he insists he never acted upon the messages and it was just an ego thing talking to these other girls. The thing is, I don't mind if he talks to other women and has a harmless flirt, so long as it doesn't go as far as him inviting them over, telling them he's in a 'casual relationship' when they question his relationship with me, and generally making sexual comments to them. I want to make this work, I love him, but he's made me feel so worthless and really knocked my confidence to the point where I just feel upset and paranoid and clingy all the time. I don't want to be that kind of person. Is there any way he can regain my trust or is that it now? I don't want to end it so if anyone else has overcome these problems please let me know. However, it may be a case of the damage can't be fixed now :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): "However, to the guy who called me dumb for confronting him and making up excuses for him and being dumb enough to deserve a lying, cheating boyfriend, you insight was so profound."Clarification: I was taking boyfriend's presumed POV, not saying I thought you were dumb, saying that if I was a caught red-handed boyfriend I would consider you dumb for not trusting your judgemnent and believing my self-serving BS. I should have made that clearer. I will admit I simply do not understand suspect-confront-buy BS cover-suspect cycle that characterizes so many Dear Cupid posts, yours included. I will admit I simply do not understand why some women are so willing to let "SO hurtful" behavior pass with a lame laughable excuse that in my eyes only demeans them further in their scumbag boyfriend's eyes. I will admit I simply do not understand why some women allow theour self-respect and self-esteem to be completely subjugated by lying cheating jerks. "so to call me dumb and like a wad of discarded chewing gum is a little cruel and insensitive don't you think?"Yes, very much so and very much my intent. Again, POV is from what I see as a guy looking at how a guy who treats you as he does thinks of you, and what he is doing is in my eyes cruel and insensitive to you and I was attempting to illustrate to you what this guy sees your guy as doing, which is precisely being cruel and insnsitive. What I'm trying to say is YOU can do better than a guy whom I perceive as seeing you in the terms I expressed. I am not anti-female, I am anti-scumbag male, and I simply couldn't fathom from original post why you would even consider staying with such a loser. Re-reading your post, I am guilty of projecting imagined back story typical of what I see as similar DC posts onto your account, I considered a presumed prior history that you did not specify as being applicable to your individual situation. Unfair of me, and I apologize. But I will re-state my main concern was your statement "he's made me feel so worthless and really knocked my confidence to the point where I just feel upset and paranoid and clingy all the time" which I see as a HUGE red flag that he is not the guy for you, and your remaining "upset and paranoid and clingy" is central to how he envisions your long-term future as a couple. Sorry for the offense, I just want you to really think long and hard about the status of your relationship, and in my outsider eyes it is not good and not promising.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 For me personally, I couldn't allow this in a relationship and wouldn't continue it if it did happen.
I think he likes to have you around, but I think a guy who can "dismiss" what he did as being "harmless flirting" doesn't really respect you. It might not have meant anything meaningful when he did it, but I'm pretty sure he knew that you wouldn't like it one bit, yet he did it anyways.
Losing trust in your SO is a HUGE deal. It can be worked through if the relationship otherwise is healthy. Then thing is when things like these happens it has a domino effect on the relationship. Once you lose trust, you might start to lose the respect for him, then love.... and so forth.
How does he propose to show you in the future that you CAN trust him?
What do you want from him in order for you to even being to trust him again?
This is not something that can be ignored or swept under the rug. It needs to be dealt with. And it takes time. Some times you may never GET the full trust back. Because we can as human being forgive... but forgetting, not so much.
I suggest if you WANT to stay, if you think the relationship is WORTH fighting for, that you SIT him down and talk about values, morals and what is OK and not OK in the relationship. See if the two of you are on the same page.
Last but not least, you NEED to accept that he DIDN'T do this because of you. It's not that you aren't GOOD enough or whatever doubts you are having. He did it because HE wanted to. He did it because HE could. It had nothing to do with you and ALL to do with him.
YOU have to find your limits to what you will accept in a relationship and what you will not. And STICK to them. Even if that means ending a relationship.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to people for the advice, I appreciate it. I understand that trust is a big issue and something that cannot be regained quickly and I hope there is the chance for me to regain trust, and if the situation continues and I carry on feeling this way then I know it's not right. However, to the guy who called me dumb for confronting him and making up excuses for him and being dumb enough to deserve a lying, cheating boyfriend, you insight was so profound. Listen, I understand sometimes you need to hear it straight, and the reason I came on this website anonymously is because I have no one to speak to in real life about this. But I am an intelligent, strong person, and to find something like this out of course knocks your confidence, so to call me dumb and like a wad of discarded chewing gum is a little cruel and insensitive don't you think? I think I'm perfectly within my right to confront him and I deserve an answer for his actions, whether he be completely honest or lie to me that's not down to me, but to confront someone and talk through the problems is best way. I am not stupid and I won't be taken for a fool, if I had proof that he was physically going out and sleeping with these girls, or even an inkling, I wouldn't stick around. However, given our situation (and you may think I'm dumb and defending him here) but I know he doesn't have the time to be sleeping around. He works 9-5 and spends his free time with me, and when you have factors such as rent to pay together, and you share a group of friends, to immediately presume something worse is going on and calling the relationship off is foolish and immature, without at least getting an explanation first. Everyone does make mistakes and I do think this is a case of a boys ego turning harmless flirting into something a bit nastier. By no means does he deserve my full trust and love straight away but I asked for advice because my confidence had been knocked and it is difficult to distinguish boundaries sometimes and wanted to know if anyone else had had these problems. I appreciate all other advice, it's good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, whether I trust him again or make a fresh start without him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAunt +, writes (5 October 2012):
 In my opinion, this person doesn't deserve your trust and you don't need him in your life. You could do so much better.
If you really want to make this work and re-build your trust for him though, this is possible. You just need to work at it day by day and give it time. You're NOT going to instantly trust him again. This is going to take a while.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I repeat this a lot: Trust should not be given away on a silver platter. Normally, we do trust people to a reasonable extent --until given a reason not to.
Is there anyway to regain your trust? Yes. But it takes time and consistent behavior on his part. In the end, if a person does not build on trust in ways that make us feel confident and happy, that person can't be trusted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): Hi there! I could total relate with you, Been there Done that.The truth is your a dating a player.He loves you? yes for sure. But a player is always in love with everybody. He cant be in love with just one person. He loves to flirt. He loves attention. He loves the newness of knowing someone, the thrill and the chase. He loves to have you and the other girls as well.If you really love him, you need to learn how to win him over the other girls. Since he loves attention, newness, thrill chase and all, YOU need to learn how to reinvent your self from time to time.Lot of work, right? My question is are you willing to do that? or would you rather stay away from him and find another man whom you can be secure with.'coz trust me, You will never be secure with him. He might tell, your his everything and all, but believe me he also tells that to other girls. In my experienced, at first i thought, i was winning, but i have to face the reality that i can't and i'm just fooling myself. I gave up, now i'm giving him a cold shoulder. I never said anything, like nag him or explain my feelings. None at all, I feel so great about it, because I know players are, they love hearing your drama and it satisfies them. I'm not going to give him that satisfaction, Not anymore.So can you be brave as i am? Or would you rather try to win him? either way its ups to you, If you want to make your relationship work, you need to compete with the other women existing in his life. You need a huge amount of patience, love and understanding for him to be successful in winning his heart.You might be successful, however expect a lot of stress, tears and heartaches. His a player. Once a fox will always be a fox. Trust me. Either way i hope you can make it, Good luck..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): "I confronted him and he wants to make things work, he insists he never acted upon the messages and it was just an ego thing talking to these other girls."Of course he says "he wants to make things work." If you're dumb enough to confront him and give him an excuse to come up with a lame laughable self-serrving BS cover story that you'll believe over his "SO hurtful" actions, then you're dumb enough to deserve a lying cheating controlling jerk like him as a boyfriend and nothing better."I want to make this work, I love him, but he's made me feel so worthless and really knocked my confidence to the point where I just feel upset and paranoid and clingy all the time."Exactly why he's keeping you around, exactly as he intended. If you weren't upset and clingy and paranoid all the time, then you'd still maintain your self-respect and dignity and pride, and so you would have already dumped him rather than tolerate such intolerable behavior."Is there any way he can regain my trust or is that it now? I don't want to end it so if anyone else has overcome these problems please let me know."There is no way for him to regain your trust as he never earned it in the first place, he has only violated it since, he never respected you enough to ever seriously consider earning your trust, and he now knows doesn't have to even bother maintaining the charade of "regaining" your trust as he now knows he can tell you anything you want to hear and you'll always believe what he SAYS over what he DOES. That you "don't want to end it" despite mountains of evidence indicating "ending it" is only rational course of action only serves to demonstrate how you have become the embodiment of the needy, insecure, clingy chick you state you don't want to be. He's a loser but you've latched on to him like a barnicle to a rusty scow and now you're hanging on for dear life, no matter how many times lying cheating controlling jerk scumbag loser boyfriend tries to scrape you off the bottom of his shoe like a wad of discarded chewing gum.
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