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age
41-50,
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writes: I really messed up and I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend a little over a year. We have a 2 month old son and are very much in love. I have never cheated on him or even thought about cheating on him since the day I met him. We had intentions of getting married as well. Obviously our relationship had problems. He was always critisizing me and making me feel so insecure. He would tell me that he hated my makeup, hated my clothes, calls me fat and so on and son. He even let porn come between our relationship because sometimes he would relieve himself to porn and I would be left unsatisfied.I never understood why he did that because I'm a beautiful girl. I'm 5'4 and I weigh a whopping 115. I didn't get any stretch marks from the pregnancy and my stomach went back to being flat. Basically it doesn't even look like I had a baby at all. However, he still insists on making fun of me. I was ready to leave him but instead I stayed. I made a horrible mistake and now he will never forgive me. I submitted a pic of my breasts to one of those "rate my rack" websites. Only my breasts are in the pic. YOu can't see my face or anything else. The purpose of this was to see if I really was going crazy with the insecurity I was feeling. I needed to hear that I looked good. My pic was rated high and I got tons of feedback. I felt good about myself but I knew it was wrong. Basically he found out when he was looking through my computer history. He found the link to the site and clicked through dozens of pages until he found my pic. I already contacted the website owner and they took that pic down so it's no longer posted. He's so mad at me and he will never forgive me. My relationship is ruined and now I won't be getting married and I'm so unbelieveably depressed that it's crazy. I know that I did wrong and I can't stop crying. I just need some advice (if there is any) that could help me come to terms with him. I've already apologized and told him why I did it but in his eyes I'm a whore, even though I haven't been with alot of guys and I never cheated on him. I'm at the end of my rope and I feel like shit.
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female
reader, emochick27  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I don't think you are the one to blame in this he has obviously pushed you to a point that made you feel insecure about yourself and look for another outlet to find security in your own body. This hits home with me because I had the same issue with a boyfriend of mine, but he never found out what I posted. Needless to say I'm no longer with that guy and I'm with a great guy now. Your situation sounds tough though because you two have a kid together but if your that unhappy that you have to go to such extremes that says something! Just follow your heart and it will take you to happier things!
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (18 February 2011):
You've been together a little over a year and have a 2 month old son? okay so that means you only knew each other a few months when you got pregnant. That can be a lot of stress on a relationship. Clearly he's not dealing with it well if he's criticizing you so brutally.
You've been through a lot in the past year. I think you need to let yourself off the hook. What you did is not that bad. If you are both not getting along and thinking of leaving, he may be blowing this out of proportion to give himself an "out" so he's not the "bad guy" who walked out on the mother of his child 2 months in. Think about it, without this excuse of this "horrible" thing you did. he looks like a major jerk. Now he gets to be a righteous jerk. Don't fall for it.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (18 February 2011):
You've been together a little over a year and have a 2 month old son? okay so that means you only knew each other a few months when you got pregnant. That can be a lot of stress on a relationship. Clearly he's not dealing with it well if he's criticizing you so brutally.
You've been through a lot in the past year. I think you need to let yourself off the hook. What you did is not that bad. If you are both not getting along and thinking of leaving, he may be blowing this out of proportion to give himself an "out" so he's not the "bad guy" who walked out on the mother of his child 2 months in. Think about it, without this excuse of this "horrible" thing you did. he looks like a major jerk. Now he gets to be a righteous jerk. Don't fall for it.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 February 2011):
 1. He completely tore down your self esteem after you had his child (very touchy time for a woman and her self image because you just put your body through hell) you are one of the lucky few (I'm so jeaous) that didn't get stretch marks and didn't have to worry about extra weight gained from the pregnancy. He should be supportive, not destructive. And you felt that the only way to get some of your self worth back was to ask other people if you are attractive. Wrong, but who else is going to tell you since he won't.
2. He sounds like an ass. Does he have his own self image issues? Is he happy with how he looks? Pretty petty to tear down the mother of your child.
3. Condsider leaving him as he doesn't deserve you and you def deserve better. Don't marry someone who doesn't appreciate and cherish you or stay with that person for the sake of your son. Your son will grow up with his dad belittling his mother and his mother crying all the time, not worth it. I understand it's hard to leave the father of your child because you feel you should be with him, but you will eventually be stronger for it. You'll have the chance to find the kind of love you deserve.
4. Don't let him control how you feel about yourself. Tell yourself that you love you just the way you are and if he doesn't, well that's just too damn bad for him isn't it.
Good luck to you and congratulations on becoming a mom, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I have a two year old son and one on the way. I wish you the best!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): This might be a mistake if he cared about you and respected you, but considering the way he treats you, I think it's only inevitable that you would want to find reassurance that you're attractive from elsewhere.I don't think you can save the relationship, but I don't think it's worth saving. He emotionally abuses and degrades you. Why get married to such a man? Even now, you are asking for his approval? What you did might indicate low self-esteem, but it doesn't mean you're bad. It sounds like he only wants you around to belittle. He might have confidence issues himself that he projects on to you.If I were you, I would stop asking for his approval and start making yourself happy. I'm sure there are tons of men who would find you attractive....and the internet appears to agrees with you. Stop waiting for him to treat you well and go find someone else.
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A
male
reader, sevenseals +, writes (18 February 2011):
 He sounds like a jerk. I'm sorry to say, (well, not that sorry) but first he rags on you and attempts to emotionally demean you. Then he flips out over a picture that, had he not known was you, probably would have enjoyed, himself.
Obviously, this guy is irrationally-minded. If you think it's worth it to attempt to "save" the relationship, then by all means try. I just think it's a waste of time.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 February 2011):
If he's willing to save the relationship you could try couples counseling, but if he's adamant about never forgiving you then there's nothing you can do and you just have to accept that. Why not see a counselor for yourself, to help you cope with your upset, and to maybe help put things in perspective.
what seems strange is he says he will never forgive you but he hasn't left you or broken up with you? so what does he intend - to keep living with you forever while never forgiving you? to keep being "with" you yet never forgiving you and always being angry at you?
However, I think that even though you did make a mistake, he is definitely not blameless either. You are not 100% responsible for the breakdown of the relationship, he set the stage for it, he is responsible as well, just that he refuses to acknowledge any responsibility. But look at the history of your relationship.
He's always been emotionally and verbally abusive to you, long before this incident. And you're showing typical symptoms of a victim of an abusive relationship - your self esteem is so worn down that not only did you turn in desperation to this destructive outlet for validation, but now you state that you're so upset that you wont' be getting married. I'm sorry but from the perspective of an outsider, this sounds absurd.
Even if you hadn't submitted your picture to the website and gotten him mad at you, are you SURE you want to be married to this emotionally and verbally abusive man?
He would call you fat and ugly and say he hates the way you look. This is being emotionally abusive, and you don't do that to someone you profess to love. not only that, but you're 5'4", 115 lbs and he calls you fat so obviously his name calling isn't even based in a shred of reality he's doing it for purely mean-spirited reasons, he is intending to hurt you. Are you sure you want to be married to someone like this, someone who is intentionally cruel to you??
But, as with many victims of emotional abusive relationships, your self esteem is so eroded from it that you are dependent on the relationship even though it's harming you. This can put you in a fog and cloud your judgment. in the first paragraph you write "we are so in love" and then just a few lines later go on to write how he calls you ugly and fat and how he hates so many things about you. Don't you see that these two statements are at odds with each other? He can't' be in love with you if he despises you so much and has so much contempt for you. And if you feel in love with someone who treats you like this, doesn't it just show how worn down your self esteem is.
And then at the end of your post you say you're a wreck because now he's so mad he won't forgive you therefore you won't be getting married. Um, why do you even want to be married to this cruel-hearted man?? Do you want to spend the rest of your earthly life being called fat and ugly and other hurtful things? Imagine how insecure and hurt you felt even before he got mad at you for this incident. If this incident had never happened and you went ahead and married him, you would be spending the rest of your life being subjected to his name calling and your feelings of hurt and insecurity will get even worse over time.
Ironically, if he refuses to marry you, this could be a blessing in disguise.
You alone didn't ruin your relationship by posting the picture on the site. He ruined the relationship long ago for treating you like crap and now making it all out to be your fault and not taking any responsibility for the role he played in the disintegration of your relationship.
I would suggest couples counseling if you really wanted to try and save the relationship, but it sounds out of the question if he doesn't even want to forgive you. Yet he hasn't left you, it seems he just wants to make you suffer more by remaining "with" you yet not marrying you (because that's what you want) and not forgiving you. Just more of his emotionally abusive tendencies, intending to make you suffer as much as possible rather than leaving you if he considered this a deal breaker.
If he refuses to acknowledge that he has done anything 'wrong' in the relationship, I don't see how there's any hope for reconciliation. You could keep apologizing and begging for forgiveness but given how emotionally abusive he has been I don't think you will find forgiveneess forthcoming anytime soon. If you hang on long enough he may appear to forgive you, only to then get mad at you all over again and use this against you in the future.
And besides given his past behavior I think you'd be better off without this relationship. when you've spent some time away from him and surrounded yourself with positive supportive people. you'll find your self esteem returning and how destructive he was being to you.
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