A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. So I have a quick question about my recent break up. My ex and I dated for 16 months and had a great relationship but had the occasional big argument. The arguments would get pretty out of control but were mostly caused by my insecurities in how he felt because he wasn't a very emotional or affectionate person. We went on an amazing 5 week holiday in December and things seemed to be going well, yet I still had issues with his lack of affection, but deep down I knew he loved me. Anyhow when we got back home, I found out my family was going through some issues and my Aunt who had been ill for a while passed away. My ex and I had some huge arguments and he asked for a week off just after she passed away. He came to see me after the funeral, but the next week my Gran also passed away. I told him in the morning and he did not contact me until 8 hours later and refused to come over and then we had another huge argument about his lack of support or care. He ended up coming to the funeral after I begged him (horrible right) but then we went out that night and got into another drunken spat. He then proceeded to ask for another week off (this had been going on for about three weeks now at a time where I really wanted his support) and then broke up with me the following Thursday. Before all of this happened we had a solid relationship that had its ups and downs but I really loved him and wanted to spend a long time with him. The day after he broke it off via text, we spent five hours cuddling and he told me he loved me so much but this was the only way he could be happy. I am just wondering if there is any hope because I am very confused. He tells me he loves me but dosnt want to be in a consuming relationship, but I really feel like it only became consuming at the end when I kept pulling for support and he kept pulling away. I am pretty lost and am not sure if I should hold onto the hope that he will come around, but he seems to sure that he dosnt want a relationship with me. I am heartbroken and finding it very hard to move on with my life. I am also angry that he left me when my family and I needed his support though. Is there any way I can make him realise that my behaviour at the end was just because I was so emotionally distraught? And is there any point wanting someone back after that? We were a great couple prior to any of this happening :((
View related questions:
broke up, drunk, heartbroken, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 April 2011):
You can always tell someone's true character at just two times - 1 is on their deathbed, the other is under immense emotional stress (truly very rare). How someone responds at these times gives a clear indication of who they are.
1 - You, for example, take a lot of blame and appear to have some esteem issues. In your post, you put "How can I get through to him that my behaviour was because I was distraught" - implying that you were the problem and you are taking the blame for it. BUT - you had every right to be distraught, and your behaviour was perfectly acceptable. It's not like you went and cheated, or dumped him, or treated him like dirt. You were looking for the emotional support that anyone else would have been looking for. Problem is you didn't find it, because of...
2 - Your boyfriend. Was there ever a more useless man when it comes to emotions. There was no real emotion before this, but the relationship was stumbling along because there was no significant problem. The moment that you had a major problem though, he felt stress. And at that moment the truth about him came out - that he's emotional immature and inept, that he has no real respect for you, that he doesn't care enough. At all. This guy was useless, totally useless when it really counted. All his words about 'loving you' and all that are worthless - because when you needed him most he was pathetic. That is who he is - that is always who he will be. The man who can't deal with things. This wasn't a 'consuming relationship' - this was two close people in your life dying and he treated you like dirt.
my advice is this:
1 - 100% cut this guy from your life. He doesn't deserve to lick the mud fro your shoe given the way he has acted.
2 - Spend a lot of time working on your own self esteem. You're taking blame where you shouldn't be, and you're hung up on a guy who has treated you badly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Im very sorry to hear about your Aunt and Gran x
Sometimes when things happen it can be a real test of faith and love. It can make or break a relationship. Believe me i know, my (now ex) husband was no support to me when i lost my brother and father.
I can understand you feeling very hurt by your ex's actions. But he just wasnt for you, he didnt have strong enough feelings to endure the bad times with you. He was in a way just a fair weather boyfriend. The sort thats there for the good times and thats it. He was tried and found found wanting. It will be hard but try not to put much negative emotion into him and his behaviour now. Its really not worth it to you. Keep him as a friend but just remember when the going gets tough...he will be gone.
As for a boyfriend, you deserve better than him so dont sell yourself short. There is someone out there who wont leave when you need him most. Dont give up on finding him and settle for less by pursuing your ex. Hes not worth it x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Guys. One of the worst parts was the break up was dragged out over a long time. He has since made it clear that he never sees a future with me, which of course has been crushing. More than anything one day I would like to sit down and express why we had fights, but that they are obviously issues that are resolvable. I will add I am 23 and he is 22, but he seems like he wants to enjoy the single life, which is hurtful. He called me the other day, about a week from the final break up and told me he would be happy if I found someone I liked and kissed them.... Weird and I am not sure why he would say that too me? Would it be a defence type of mechanism?
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 April 2011):
Hi there. It really seems that the problem started long before your family members passed away.
When you put some pressure on him before, because you thought he didn't show enough of his feelings and emotions, that could feel like you were trying to control him.
Men don't like that, because it makes a woman appear very needy and desperate.
It also makes being involved with a woman like that, a high maintenance relationship. This can become a burden to a man, and it can affect their happiness generally. Hence the reason for some of the big arguments you say you have had.
When you are regularly trying to get him to tell you how he feels and what he is thinking, he feels you are almost entirely dependent on him to make you happy. No relationship should ever be that way. It's doomed from the very beginning.
It is up to each of us to make ourselves happy. No-one else can do that.
If you wanted to know how your boyfriend felt about you, well just by the fact that he was still seeing you and wanting to be with you should be enough. If he didn't like/love you, he would choose to NOT be with you, surely.
In many cases, most men don't usually talk about their thoughts or feelings very often, well not until they are absolutely sure of how they feel, and when they feel safe to share those feelings openly.
Because quite often, if a man shared his true feelings with his partner too early on in the relationship, before he knew it the girl might get it into her head to start booking the church for the wedding and deciding baby's names for the future. That could be terrifying for any man! I'm sure you can see that. So that's an insight into men's thinking.
That's not to say that a man will never share his true feelings with his girlfriend, but your feeling insecure wouldn't help him to feel safe to share with you in that way.
It's an important thing to keep in mind.
Your insecurities about him and the future of the relationship - prior to the deaths of your 2 family members - already had him feeling somewhat shakey regards the relationship then.
So once those 2 close family members did pass away very close to each other, and you became even more needy of his emotional support, it probably just tipped him over the edge. That might have been the final straw that broke the camel's back.
In other words you were making him feel a bit insecure about the relationship before that, then it became more so - to the point where it was almost intolerable.
Although you are broken up now over all this, and because you felt so strongly towards each other before, there still is a chance of a comeback. However, it is going to take some time.
For now though, the best course of action you could possibly take is to give him some space.
By space, I mean:-
(1) No contact whatsoever - by you.
(2) No text messages.
(3) No phone calls.
(4) No going over to see him at his house either.
Nothing at all. Space means space. Distancing yourself from all this completely.
Then, just wait and see what happens. It might be a few weeks, or a few months. But no matter how long it is, don't weaken and try to get in touch with him again. You really need to be very, very patient from now on.
If you were to say or do something now, that was an act out of insecurity, it might well completely destroy any chance you ever had, of getting back with him again.
So I suggest that you think about it all very carefully indeed.
...............................
A
female
reader, cjliow  +, writes (9 April 2011):
I think it's best to let time reveal the true emotions between both of you. There is no point in over analyzing the situation. Just try to move on as best as you can, putting more focus and interests in other arena of your life. In time, God willing, he may re-initiate contact. When he does that, all should be forgiven (although maybe not forgotten completely) and you should allow each other to enjoy being in each others' glow of love again.
...............................
|
