A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partners ex, was fertile and had children for my partner. I am infertile and cannot have any children. My partner seems okay with this, but his mother told me that I should do the right thing and leave him, so he can have a family and be happy with a (I quote) 'normal and healthy woman'. She also feels that its best if I were to refrain from entering relationships as there is no use for me as a woman, and I should think about focusing on my career or charity work. So I'm wondering, is she right? I am a trainee medical scientist and work in a hospital so I have an extensive background in biology. The whole purpose in life is to procreate, so technically my partners mum is right. I am not useful for him or any other man. Should I leave him and focus on my career instead? Is there any point to dating and relationships if you are infertile? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): That is a very old-world point of view. Every woman has a purpose more than just to give birth to babies. Perhaps your purpose is to assist your partner and his ex to raise your (as in all three of you) babies and give them more love, encouragement, etc. than most children receive.There is also the option of going to a fertility clinic (ie a href="http://www.europeanspermbankusa.com/"sperm bank/a) to assist you in having a child too when you're ready to make that kind of commitment.It is more a discussion you should be having with your partner rather than his mother, she is NOT a voting member of your relationship ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): Thank you all for your replies. I was just curious as the emotion with which my bf's mum said those things, made me wonder if she had a point.
When I said that our reason for living was procreation , I was actually paraphrasing. I was referring to the continuation of our genetic material via offspring, something all forms of life do, in many different ways be it sexual or asexual. I didn't mean it on a spiritual level.
I was told very early on that my fertility was impaired, so its not something thats still fresh in my mind. Its not something that I think of too much, but its recently been an issue with my bfs mum (when she found out).
My partner has a son (grown) already and does not care about having anymore. He has no great desire and seems very happy with me. He does not know what his mum said to be, I dont think I'll mention it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): 1) There are plenty of people out there who don't have children, either through choice or medical reason. I don't want kids but I don't consider myself useless.
2) This woman is obviously an incredibly selfish woman who is thinking solely of herself and her desire to have children.
3) Your partner needs to grow a pair. If I had a partner who couldn't have kids (GOD I wish I could meet one!) and my mother said that crap to her, then mother would be out of the picture. If he hasn't told her to shut up and butt out, he should.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Ignore everything that his mom's says to you because she is wrong wrong wrong. And selfish selfish selfish.
1st of all, she is not thinking about her son but thinking about herself. She's thinking she want's more grand kids and if he ends up with you then she can not have more kids to carry down the family line.
To be told that you are infertile is devastating to any women, but there is no way that you should live a life without love just because you cannot procreate. That is ridiculous! You deserve to be happy in a relationship.
It infuriates me that this women said this to you. I think you should sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your partner. Explain to him what his mother said to you. See how he respond. The truth is, this is his life and she has no right butting in. This is between you and him, and if you love each other enough, and things progress, there are many alternative to starting a family of your own.
It might not be biologically yours but love is love and now a days, a modern family is just as loved and accepted like a traditional family.
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A
male
reader, alex74 +, writes (8 July 2011):
 My wife and I adopted our son just over 3 years ago. I am his father, my wife is his mother. If you both want to be parents, biology doesn't have to get in the way. Perhaps it is best your partner's mother's genes don't get passed on anyway.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 July 2011):
Tisha is right. This is nonsense. Why should the only legacy we leave behind be a child? If that's the purpose of life, why do we even bother with everything else? Please start thinking more highly of yourself. You deserve to happy just as much as everyone else. She is a stupid woman and you would be stupid to believe her.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (7 July 2011):
 your boyfriends mum has a disgusting attitude! the thing is, yes you could leave him and he could meet someone else, have ten kids with them and be miserable every day with that woman.
sounds like your boyfriends mum wants grandchildren. is he her only child? if you and your boyfriend are happy together that's all that matters. her opinion is not even worth listening to. being fertile does not make someone a better person. clearly
x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2011):
 "The whole purpose in life is to procreate." Damn, I missed the memo. *slaps forehead* Oh well, I guess I'll get on with my life nonetheless. Oh, yeah, I already did! My bad!
Seriously, really? Who told you that? As you are a scientist, I'm just curious if you think you are merely the collection of sexual reproductive organs or if you have other things going on than merely procreation. I mean, the clitoris apparently doesn't really serve any purpose other than female sexual pleasure. So if it's not necessary for procreation, why bother with female orgasm? Why bother with foreplay or anything but the guy ejaculating into a jar and the female using a turkey baster to inject the semen into the vagina? In fact, skip that bit, and go straight to screening appropriate male sperm donors at the local reproductive (i.e. sperm) bank, thaw out the right candidate's semen and voila! babies without all the fuss.
I'm going a bit to an extreme to illustrate a point, obviously.
I promise you, you can have a rich and fulfilling life WITH a partner and without children in the picture. It's okay.
Let him decide for himself if he wants children or not, that's really not up to his mother. She sounds as though she needs an intervention, or a personality transplant, though, and that's not your job. Pity she's so dreadful. He doesn't take after her, does he? I sincerely hope not. Might make you rethink his suitability for YOU, rather than the other way around.
Of course you can date and have relationships. Don't take nonsense like she's spouting seriously. It will make me doubt your scientific capabilities.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 Sneaky suspicion its the mother that wants to scare you off and doesn't speak for your partner or his intentions whatsoever...
Screw her. What a cow. If life was about procreation alone, we wouldn't be so radically different from every other species on the planet... and whoever procreated her would be ashamed.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 July 2011):
I've got a sneaking suspicion at the back of my mind that his mother is a jealous, controlling woman who probably drove the ex away, and will drive any other woman away too. If my mother ever acted like this, I'd cut her out. This woman has no right to say what she did, and she just sounds jealous that her son has found a smart, dedicated woman. Bollocks to her! If you like this guy, if you want a life with him, stay with him and work at your career at the same time. Happy families don't always have to include children. My parents have been together for years - and they're utterly miserable and should have split years ago, so the idea that children make it all better is rubbish, the idea that you're not normal is purely a pathetic insult, and the idea that you shouldn't have a relationship is wrong.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 July 2011):
 your partner's mum is wrong wrong wrong.... if your partner is happy with you and you are happy then his mum can stick it.
i'm in a relationship now with a man who has no children and wants no children... why are we together? common interests, fun together, compatibility, companionship...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): there are many ways to have children. based on the social and occupational triggers that you face related to this topic, and because you seem to be confused and distressed by your condition, you should consider making an appointment or two with a trained therapist to explore and deal with your feelings and questions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Please! Not everybody wants kids! I certainly don't and I know there many like-minded people out there.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 Never in my life have I heard a more sad, untrue statement. One of our main purposes in life IS to procreate, but for some people this is just not possible. Does that make these people useless? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Just because you can't have your own children doesn't mean you can't be an excellent parent. There are other options, such as adoption. Your partner's mother is absolutely incorrect in saying that you are of no use to her son. Whether or not you should stay together is completely up to the two of you, and should be based around your compatibility as a couple, not your inability to have children.
While it's important to focus on your career and do what you want to do in that regard, if you are in love with your partner and he is in love with you, that's all that you need. Fertility is not a requirement for love.
masq
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