A
female
age
41-50,
*azool
writes:Help. Another threesome question with a twist: when first meeting my boyfriend 3 years ago I was a story teller and prolific liar. Blessed or cursed with the ability to say what I believed people wanted to hear. I told my boyfriend that I had done all sorts of combinations in bed, been a lesbian etc. Some true some not, but all things I knew he wanted to hear. I was not intending to get into a relationship at the time I just wanted sex, it was just a game to me. Yet cupid struck and in the time as love pulled me into check I confessed that I had been embellishing/deceiving him on many of the facts I had told him about me. I had a breakdown and sort help. He did stay with me while I rebuilt myself which I was surprised by. Yet periodically he has a wobble and wants a threesome and splits up from me, it has come to this time again. I am attracted to women but know our relationship is not strong enough to handle what he is demanding at present. He places me under pressure and guilt trips me about lying to him in the past. Then feels guilty himself for pushing me away as we love each other so much. Is there any hope or is this all too messy to sort out?
View related questions:
a break, lesbian, liar, period, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xxmissxx +, writes (13 September 2007):
 I havnt had an experience like this, lets just say i have a hidden talent for seeing reason and logic.
When you love someone, deep down, you want them to be happy, you want them to lead the right path of life.
So if this means letting them go, then so be it.
You may love him, but i think you know deep down that together, no good can come of this so called relationship.
you have lost your compatability through all the mishaps so there is only one logical conclusion, and that, im afraid, is to let him go.
Dont be afraid of doing this, just like the honeymoon period can fizzle, so can the grief of losing a loved one.
I hope you make the right desision for you and nobody else and wish you all the best of luck with your future.
xxxxxxxmissxxxxxxxxxx
A
female
reader, Hazool +, writes (13 September 2007):
Hazool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoly McMoly xxmissxx wow I know that you are right and that I would advise the same to one of the sisterhood too. Yet I would have wasted a lot more words and not have been as precise as yourself. That comment has left me facing the truth. But why does my heart shout “no you love him and keep working at it”. I guess it is because I am afraid to lose the only person I have ever loved and been faithful too. You are spot on about it being a cycle, have you been in a similar position yourself? I also agree that I do deserve forgiveness after all the hard work I have done on rebuilding myself after the breakdown. May I ask... where does one find the strength to leave the one you love? Even if you know it is for the best?
...............................
A
female
reader, xxmissxx +, writes (13 September 2007):
Im going to be extremely blunt here, and cruel to be kind and say that you should leave him, have enough guts to say to him " you know what i need to leave you and start fresh again", get out and away , rejuivinate yourself, attepmt to recreate a new and improved person inside you, and start all over again, meet new friends, meet new bf's etc.
If you stay in this so called limbo, neither you nor your bf will benifit, youll just keep going round in circles on how youve hurt eachother.
Youve made alot of mistakes and told alot of lies, even though youve tried to make up 4 these mistakes, your bf is obviously still holding them against you by egging you on for a threesome.Dont do it, you deserve forgivness as does everyone, so start all over again without him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Hazool +, writes (13 September 2007):
Hazool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSuch wise words Cateyes, of course there is more to this situation but I would not want to send you sleep with the details, like he has put on weight and doesn’t feel good in his body, that he is so loving to me like no other has ever been and after he has one of his wobbles he then fears losing me... which makes me agree with you that he like the security that I give him.But being younger he still wants to play the field as you pointed out and the thought of just being with me forever scares him senseless. I do not wish to marry or have children which he knows and I am not trying to trap him. I know he is not the first or last man to be afraid of losing his youth without doing all that he sees in porn movies.And with the internet, I believe that he thinks everyone is having gang bangs out there and loving it??? After reading the replies I started to feel that this is nothing new in the world of men and women. Yes it is time to look into my heart and find out what I really want. I feel some mediation time is coming on and that I should spend some time away from him so I can get a clear answer, if there is one. When the battle between my head and heart comes to a conclusion I will be sure to let you both know. Therefore I thank you for your time and loving energy may miracles come your way now and tomorrow. Peace love and harmony Haze :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (13 September 2007):
 I think bottom line here is...you have to decide what is best for you and what you want in this relationship if it is to continue. You either accept it for what he wants and can agree with it all with your WHOLE heart or not. Personally, if it was me, I could not. It's not even just about love, it's about what you believe your morals to be, possibly contacting a disease, what if the other woman wants more....just so many things to think about. As I see it, he being younger then you, he probably wants to "cat" around...yet keep you at close hand. AND if things should ever get rocky, he knows he could always "rely" on you. Think to yourself...self...is that what I really want out of this relationship? Don't think for only a minute...think for awhile about this...really think. Then make your decision, because I am sure there could even be more that you know of that we do not and you really need to not just follow your heart, but think of the years ahead.
Good Luck to you!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Hazool +, writes (12 September 2007):
Hazool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again DJ that has given me food for thought. I do belive him when he says he has been faithful in the flesh as it is him that helped me to be honest in the first place. I do agree that i may be compromising myself, i must think on about that one. Yet there are people out there that can share there partner and still be strong together. Yet i agree with you again that maybe he does need to grow up before he could take on such a complex situation. At present he has gone all nice as pie again as he tells me that he does not want to lose me and that he is being selfish, and thinks that the answers i will get from this site will tell me to leave him!?! So much to think about. Thank you for your energy and time your a star... cheers Haze
...............................
A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (12 September 2007):
 I hear what your saying and he is insistent that he has been true to you. I assure you that a man that insists that he loves you and has a high sex drive is not going to not have sex with you for 2 months unless he is on travel or has to go away for work. Listen to what he is saying. When he is broken up with you, he might not consider that as "being together". Word play, and hence no guilt about being with another. I know players who do this very thing in order to feel o.k. about their exploits. I would be suspect of his insistence. You might consider letting him go and letting him grow up. Being true to someone is about you and your morals. An example of how I see things: I feel that if I am true to someone I love and they cheat on me, then I have every right to walk away. There's no "well I did it too so I have to give them a chance". If I stay in the relationship, then I would second guess everything they do and say. Where they are, who their with. I know me, and I can't live compromising myself every day. I won't. I'm not saying that he did cheat, but consider that you are compromising yourself. You obviously feel strongly enough about it to ask questions here. Only you can make decisions for you. You have to do what's right for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Hazool +, writes (12 September 2007):
Hazool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cateyes and DJ8433 for taking the time to consider my situation. Cateyes I do agree that seeing the one I love with someone else is going to hurt. In the past I have had a very experimental sex life so I can separate sex and love but as you put so well, as I have got older and after the mental breakdown I now “really see how love should be”. Yet he is 5 years younger and feels if he does not live out his fantasies very soon that he will be missing out. He also says that he wants to live them out with me. I gave him the impression at the start that I was up for anything therefore I am in his fantasy world being wild with him. He has been on line flirting with others and has tried once to set up a threesome with someone in our professional work circle that we have never met but I refused as it had all been behind my back. He has not been behind my back with anyone in the flesh (sorry if i gave that impression DJ8433) and he seems proud of that fact and that he is being open with me from the start with what he wants in a relationship, three in a bed. He is still very loving with me but we have not had sex for a few months now and that hurts that he is busy thinking of his need for other women yet doesn’t have sex with me? Again I ask myself can we sort this out as I am so in love with this man in fact he is the only person I have ever been faithful with?
...............................
A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (12 September 2007):
I think the question here is what do YOU really want out of this relationship? And, if you do stay in it, are you willing to deal with the hurt and pain that it will cause because of the threesome....because it will. No woman, no matter what she says can honestly say that she would just love to share the one she love's with another woman knowing he will be making love to her. (or actually just having wild sex) Either way, your sharing the person you love with someone else when love is shared by two people who only want to be with each other and no one else. As we mature and become older, we see how love really should be and what it means to be with the one that you love and want to share the rest of your life with.
Personally, because of the "stories" you have told him, he probably will have trust issues with you...now and in due time...which is very hard to not have in any relationship. For me though, I would actually move on and wait till you meet someone new rather then stay with him. This just prolongs the hurt that you will feel and it also will make it so much harder.
As far as "stories", let them stay in the story books...be honest, be truthful...that is what men are really attracted to.
Good Luck with your future and in your happiness.
...............................
A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (12 September 2007):
Once you share the person you love with someone else, everything changes. You might get jealous. You might wonder why he doesn't love you enough not to want another woman. You might begin to feel hurt and start having a hard time with trust wondering where he's going and who he's kissing or sleeping with. I don't think your boyfriend knows what love is, if he did he wouldn't leave you to sleep with other women. If you're o.k. with him sleeping with other women, then let things keep going on the way they are. If you are feeling hurt or compromised about it, then you are going to have to make a change to make yourself feel better, because you've set a precedent that it's o.k. for him to sleep with other women. He will continue to do it no matter what he tells you. He feels guilty, but can't stop. He's getting what people sometimes mistake for love, he's getting your emotion and your attention even when he know he's doing something wrong. I don't thin he's "in love, but he loves being in control, and doing whatever he wants. I think he's trying to see how much control he has over you by trying to get you to do something you don't want to do. I would stay with him until you are ready to leave him for someone that knows how to treat you like a Queen. You did mess up in the beginning, so to get your heart right again, I would go back to your original thought and just be in it for the sex until you can finally say goodbye. It's not a healthy relationship, and I don't see that it ever can be.
...............................
|
