A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:[OP original title]I'm in a long-distance "relationship" where my friend doesn't always like sharing her personal feelings with anyone, it makes her uncomfortable sometimes (which I understand, I'm kinda the same). I last saw her in early june when things weren't going so well for her but afterwards she drifted away. I haven't heard much from her since (I know she has her own business and is raising two kids alone), though we did briefly talk last week and are getting together soon. In the past my insecurities were always an issue though I have certainly grown since then. What I'm wondering, is there a way to ask her "are we ok?" or "did I do something wrong?" without sounding completely insecure again? I guess I just find myself dwelling on the idea she seemed to disappear right after the last time I saw her and I'm wondering if it was because of something I said or did.thanks
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 August 2010):
If you get along well generally, it's likely to be a case of life getting in the way (for her at least). You said she is raising two kids on her own. So between running a business and raising a family, it probably doesn't leave her with much spare time. She's probably exhausted when she gets home at night.
Still keep contact with her - but not too often. Once a week perhaps or fortnight.
Don't live your life waiting for her to call you, start going out and meeting new people and see your friends and actually do stuff and make your life interesting. Maybe when you do speak to each other on the phone, you don't have a lot to talk about because of not doing much. So you might actually be only talking about her life because of this. She might even have a sense of you expecting great things, when she is busy and not quite got the time for a serious relationship.
It would be better to keep it casual at least for the moment and just see how things pan out.
The problem with long distance relationships - are we talking about a couple of states away or coast to coast? The further apart in distance you are, then the more likely you both are to eventually meet someone who lives in your own neighourhood or at least within 1 hour's drive away.
It's really difficult to keep a long distance friendship going for any length of time, when the only communication you have is by phone. It's usually not possible to see each other very often as it's too expensive and very inconvenient.
In saying this, don't consider moving closer to her just to see how it goes - especially when you are not sure. Just bide your time and call her say once a fortnight or once a month even. And live your life to the full in between.
The more often you call her, the difference in expectations will become evident to her. It's possible that you both want different things from this friendship. You would like more than just friendship, but perhaps she might not be ready for a serious relationship. She may have been hurt badly in her past relationship and may be very wary of getting involved again for a while.
You could over time, bring this to light. Or better still, when you see each other again, at some time casually bring it up but don't sound anxious or desperate, just be honest. Also, don't get angry or forceful or she will retreat altogether because she will feel pressured. You can't beat about the bush in asking her, it's more about being clear so you can both move on one way or the other.
Hope this has helped in some way. Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (5 August 2010):
 The best way to not seem insecure is to NOT be insecure. Could your previous actions have caused her to drift away? Possibly. But if you understand and feel on your own that you did something wrong, then you don't need her telling you whether you did or not. Make the changes in the ways you feel necessary and do so without any doubts. It's easier said then done, obviously... but if you meet her with any insecurities at all then you are doing the exact opposite of what you want to do.
If you want to talk her about what may or may not have happened, don't do it by asking questions. For example, don't say "Did I do something wrong?" or "What can I do to be better?". Be confident. Speak in statements. Say something like "I'll be honest with you, I feel I didn't handle our LDR very well early on. I've had time to think about it and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. I care about you very much I want to do what I can to make this work." It doesn't have to be exactly like that, you can use your judgement. But I just wanted to get the point across that your confidence starts with your talking. Don't hesitate, and don't doubt yourself. Saying things like "ummm" or "well" are ways of hesitating. Use lots of eye contact also.
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (5 August 2010):
 It may just be the distance. out of sight out of mind is really true in long distance realtionship. that's why they're 9 time out of 10 not a great idea. It' probably not anything you did... she might be really busy.
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A
male
reader, singledad7 +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Just let her know that you've noticed that you have lost touch. If you were close that is not an insecure response. I have found that most people are bad at staying in touch when you move away. I am guilty of that as well. I love some of my firends deeply but rearly keep in contact. I just get caught up with life. I have friends all over the country and barely speak to any of them. It's nothing they did.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 August 2010):
 So are u actually bf and gf? Im confused at why u put "relationship" in quotations. Im going to assume u guys are together in a sense but ur not defined..which this my dear is a very gray area..that u need to try to move this "relationship" out of that quickly. There's nothing worse than not knowing what u are to that person. So this woman has problems discussing her issues but keeps them pent up and separates herself from others. Hey it happens, sometimes ppl hit that point in their life I know bc it happened to me. U need to take this situation delicately when u see her again but u also need clarification for urself in what is going on with u guys. I would start the conversation off in asking how's she's been, are things better for u, make her tell u positive events that have happened not healthy to dwell on the negative(easier said than done, i know), slowly get her to talk about what has happened in that time frame, chat about ur "relationship" and how uve been, then if things are better with her I would ask casually what are we? And take things into ur hands, by saying if things are going good for u I would love to work on our relationship together. (Im assuming thats what u want, and that phrase right there is beautiful music to a woman's ears) If she agrees then hey u know u did nothing wrong it wasnt u she just needed a lil space to try to deal with the issues in her life and that was the best way she knew how. If she disagrees no she's not ready then those issues are still present and she still needs some more time to sort it out. Then u must make the decision should I stay or should I go? But never think its u, believe me women will tell u if its ur fault, Lol..
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