A
male
age
,
*oosevelt
writes:I am caught between not wanting to hurt me wife and trying to easy my lonelyness. What do I do now? Is there a way to not hurt her and ease my loneliness?We are not and have never been soul mates.I respect her enough after 19 years, that I don't want to make her suffer. I am not "in love" with my wife. I also have told her I don't love her.My wife says she loves me and wants us to stay together. There are no children involved.I haven't been sexually attracted to her in a very long time. Over 3 years since we have had sex. I have no desire for her, and have told her so. She does sometimes ask. There is a language and culture barrier between us. Something after 19 years I would have thought would be less of a problem. For me to try and talk about something interesting to me is like talking to a wall. No feedback. I mainly feel like I am part of a unchanging cycle. Everything I do tends to be because I think I should do it, not because I want to for her.Here's a link to a blog where i try to explain my background and how we got to where we are now. The last few weeks/days have been very trying for me.http://emptyhearted.com/ (you may comment on the blog if you so choose.)
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female
reader, ldywhispr +, writes (20 October 2008):
I sympathize for you.. but you cannot continue to be a hostage. There is a book called co-depenacy no more that you might find helpful. She is holding you hostage and untill you get to a place were her tempertantrums have value, she will continue to pull stunts like the knife.
A
male
reader, Roosevelt +, writes (9 March 2008):
Roosevelt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been almost two months since I posted here.
In that time I have tried to get my wife to learn how to keep track of her money, make deposits and write checks.
I have since given up trying to teach/guide her with this. As it led to arguments.
So the option of leaving her to take care of her money matters and other things isn't good. I am disappointed, but no longer mad about it.
I am still planning to move closer to where I work, but now will bring her also.
She has told me she can't live without me, or sleep at night without me being there.
She also told me she doesn't care who I see, or where I go, or what I do, as long as I come home every night
I believe it's her way of almost letting go, but still keeping me. Am I right?
If you read the blog I referred too in my first post, you would know I have become very close with a co-worker. This relationship is platonic (hope I spelled it right) only. We both agree on this as it has been discussed. I almost think it borders on a emotional affair. But I am not sure. She tells me private things, and I also. However, I tell my wife much of what we talk about, at least what she would understand. And when I go over to her place, I tell my wife, she tells her husband. We aren't hiding anything.
When my wife and I move, It will be to a place big enough for us, along with my co-worker and her four sons. She's to move out and use this as a way to separate from her husband, and get setup on her own after a few months, or longer if needed. She plans to divorce her husband, as she hasn't wanted to be near him for years, and he doesn't help with the house or boys.
I have become like a older brother (16 years older) to my co-worker, and a uncle to her boys. I told her a few days ago, I have become like a seragit(sp?) father to her boys, she agreed.
Spending time with the boys, as well as with her, helps me stay calmed down and less hostile towards my wife.
My wife and I have had dinner at my co-workers place a few times, and she enjoys having the boys around also.
OK, so are the boys and her filling a unmet need I didn't know I had? I always shied away from the having children, saying I was too much of a child to take care of others. And didn't want the responsibility that goes along with them.
This isn't anything I would have even thought of before last December.
I jumped around a bit, but hopefully covered what needed to be said.
Fore everyone who has replied, thanks you very much.
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A
male
reader, Roosevelt +, writes (14 January 2008):
Roosevelt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter writing my post this morning, we talked, it hurt her allot. But she seems to be understanding why I have been pushing for her to learn how to use the checking account, depositing money, writing checks to pay utilities.Keeping track of how much she has.She says she is going to pass the written test and get her drivers license. That would be good if she does.She said she will stay in this apartment. I am the one that wants to move 15-20 miles away, closer to my work.As for a closer job, I suggested a store a few blocks away where she could do the same work. She sounding interested, but will have to see.Since I am retired military, she gets benefits as long as we are married, like medical. I am leaning towards a Legal Separation, as she will still have those benefits. Where a devoice she would lose those. Then latter ones she's established by her self, do the devoice.She went to a friends house and her friend took her to work, not a normal work day for her, but she wanted to do to clear her mind. That was no problem with me.I txt'ed my friend, asked her to call me. She did later, I didn't know how much I was holding back, being worried for my wife, I started crying right away. I may not be in love, or love her, or have a physical desire for her. But 19 years is a long time shared, weather good or bad. I am worried for both of us.But I know I have to go. when we spend time together, I have no patient with her or my self. Some times i can make is a few hours, but the best thing to do is avoid talking or doing anything together. maybe that's why we saw 8-9 movies in the last 4 weeks.Anything so we don't have to try to communicate with each other.So, I think waiting until March or April to move out will allow her to learn how to do what she needs to do, and I hope ease it a bit when I do move out.I know I was planning for Feb. 1st. But I don't see anyway without having to do all the bills myself, and she won't learn that way.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 January 2008):
 Is there any way you can move your wife to an apartment where she doesn't need to drive but can take a bus or walk to work and for groceries? I think you are doing a good thing working with her to make her independent. It seems like she's been dependent on a man to take care of her for some time. Easing her into her new situation will be good. I think you should continue on to make things better for yourself by getting a promotion, etc.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Roosevelt +, writes (13 January 2008):
Roosevelt is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondearkelja you have been very helpful and I know you are trying as best you can to help. Thank you very very much.OK, some background and more....I met my wife shortly after she separated from her second husband. I was very lonely and was looking for someone, basically anyone to help with that. I was also feeling a need to help someone as well as myself.I wouldn't say she was aggressive about it, but she initiated a physical relationship. I was reluctent at first. But guys don't alway know what's best for us until a long time afterwards. It was nice, she wanted me, It felt good to have someone "love" me, I felt I was in love also, and was shortly living together.So, loneliness, set aside; need to help/take care of someone, in progress; taking care of my physical needs, was happening. We moved into a bigger place, things for the most part settled down. She was jealous and had a few other women she knew saying things to stur the pot and cause problems. She even accused me of not taking long enough to get home. One of those women lived very close to us. She accused me and being at her place.Things like that would happen off and on even as recently as 3 days ago.She was divorced, and a few weeks later I asked her to marry me. Of course she said yes.But even before that, my desire for her physically was about over.She was trying to learn to drive, and was taking many driving tests. I bought her a car, and she got her license, but wasn't a good driver, very nervous. She was working in the local Air Force base, as a Commissary, it's like a food store store. She worked for tips as a bagger.We got married, she got her US citizenship, and I was transferred. She went along. Two years later we returned to the states, living on base this time. She went back to working as a bagger. She wasn't driving.She had her friends, I had my co-workers as friends. I got into computers and playing games on-line. More distance between us.3 years later, a new assignment, a year later, back to the states, then "retired" for Air Force, and returned to same area as before, she went back to working as a bagger, and got her a car.She has been driving the 16 miles each way almost every day. keeping her she busy. Yet many of her friends she held close, have moved away. She still has some old ones, and a few newer ones.Last year she had to renew her license. I didn't catch until she had been driving with a expired license. We went to the DMV (where you renew your license) she got a 60 day temp license, and took the required written test. After almost two hours of trying she turned it in. She didn't pass. Well no problem, she had two more tries. I can't help her with studying, as the study book and tests are in Korean.Over the next 6 or so months, she tried testing two more times. didn't pass both times, paid for a new set, and had two more 60 days extensions.Her last extension was up in Nov. Yet she kept driving. Over the holidays ( I had 3 weeks off from work) I checked on her paperwork. Say she was driving illegally, and if she were stopped, the car would be impounded. So I took away the keys.I took her to work, and picked her up every day.Well last week, I returned to work myself. I work as a School Bus driver, so I normally work a split shift, drive in the morning, done by 8:45, the back at 1:30, done by 4:30.She was to get a ride with one of her friends, but her car broke down. So all last week, I did many miles diving both of us to and from work. Over 600 miles.In the past I have tried to get her to use checks, keep track on the money in the bank, and pay the bills.She never did. She has tried to go to school, but always quite after a few weeks to months, never finishing.She is very dependent on me. She does have friends, but they can't provide her with transportation all the time.next week I am start a taring process to move up in my company, this will not allow me to take her to/from work every day. The last part of the training is a three week course in another city. So, I won't be able to help her during that time.Maybe she can pass the written test and get her license bu then, and start driving herself again. But I have doubts about her being able to do that. I am trying not to let those show.The new position will mean full time work and more money. But will also most likely involve a transfer to a different location. One I can commute to.from, but still take me away from here during the day.I don't want her to be homeless, as in just kick her out. I wasn't to make sure she has a place to live, most likely she will stay her in this apartment. I want her to be able to pay her utilities. Is she does get her license back. She would get the car back. But would need to pay the car payment and insurance.She does make fairly good money, as a average, more then I do daily. It's just that she always seems to spend it on stuff we don't need. such as 6-7 dollar stakes 2-3 times a week. I don't need that.For thew past week, we tracked her income vrs deposits, and spending, she made as much in 7 days, and my bi-monthly paycheck is after everything is taken out.So she has income, just needs transportation.It will be a long process I see now, but I believe I must get her taking care of the bills, rent, and other stuff before actually moving out of the house. get her to understand, she can take care of her self, with a little help from others.As I told one on my friends, I fell like I am in a reverse prison. being held here because I can't just abandon her.I don't know, is that how many do it, make them selfs hate the other person so they can just walk out and not care what happens to the other person?The main person (friend) I have been talking too is having problems of her own, which I way I started talking to her in more then a casual way, a few months ago.During the three weeks off work , I went over to her house on three different days, hers boys were there. Is was cold so her boys would stay inside while we talked outside.Everyone of those days I cried in front of her. Some times many times.I know she doesn't know how to help me, and maybe the only thing she can do is let me vent and just be there. I don't want her to feel any pressure. God knows she has way more problems then me.But that's a whole different story, and one she would have to tell you.She's 16 yrs younger then me, and any many ways I feel like a older brother to her.I was hoping to try and her help her find a way to improve her life. But instead have dropped my problems on her. I don't think it's right I have done that. But it's done. She didn't complain. I respect her for what she is and has been going through.What I have been feeling and in going through pales in comparison to what she is going though.I have never even visited anyone else, much less a lady. If it wasn't work related, it was no contact period. That is since about 1985, when i was in the same dorm with other guys and gals, we were friends, and hung out together. But we were all in the Air Force.Ok, a few minutes ago, while writing this, my wife and I had a short heated exchange. I told her I would talk to her in a few minutes after i finished this.This has become a very long post and i need to go talk to her now. Hopefully I can get across that I won't leave her without supporting her as best I can.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (13 January 2008):
Well, this is a bad turn for you. Your wife needs some help. Does she have any friends or family that can care for her or help her get through this lonliness? I think you need to settle this down before you proceed. Don't back down on your decision but assure her that you will be there to help her along when you leave. If she has been a stay at home wife or has been supported by you then of course she is scared. Can you help her find a job or some kind of life or hope for when you are gone.
I'm not an expert but when someone gets a knife (or a gun) and threatens themselves, you need to take it seriously. There is also a possibility that if she knows for sure you're gone that she could take her anger out on you and that you could become a casualty.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Roosevelt +, writes (12 January 2008):
Roosevelt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,
Wanted to add another question comment to this.
During the last few weeks i have been teeling me wife I was going to leave but didn't have a place to go to, or the money yet.
Two nights ago, I started out saying something different, and was a different response, one that concerns me.
I told her I needed to go. She said to where, I said the name of a small city near where we are.
She said she would go with me. I told no, I have to go, without her.
About that time she start crying really hard. Then started saying I can't live alone, am going to die. You kill me now. And kept repeating those things, she kept to the kitchen and got a knife, came back and held it about 6 inches from herself pointed towards her self. She didn't move it just held it there, and kept saying, you kill me know, I die if you go.
I waited about a minute and gently took it from her and returned it to the kitchen drawer.
She then started saying, don't break my heart. And kept rubbing her chest. While sobbing a lot. She used a inhaler to help her breathing.
She finally calmed down some.
She has high blood pressure which is controlled by medications. Two of her brothers had stokes. But they were not under care for high blood pressure when they should have been, when they had their strokes.
I have two concerns, one is the knife, since she wasn't actually moving it in threating manner, do you think she might do something to her self when I do move out?
The other is concerning her high blood pressure and stokes, this has always been a concern of mine, but now with the increased stress, should I be more concerned. Her blood pressure even when upset is way below where it used to be when it wasn't controlled. Something like 80/155 now when upset vrs. 90/180 when calm and not on medication. Her normal BP is around 80/140 when calm.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (30 December 2007):
to quote from a poem I wrote many years ago
"my heart is in hiding from all damage done"
Yes, it is normal. Your head has taken over as it is not possible for your heart to get through this alone. So put your head into it, take your heart along for the ride and eventually all will be working together in no time.
Good luck to you which ever path you are led down.
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A
male
reader, Roosevelt +, writes (29 December 2007):
Roosevelt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst for Everyone who responded, THANK YOU very much.
The last two weeks have been the worse in my life, my heart has been so lonely, and I have felt so empty.
I have read, and searched for imformation concerning Legal Separation and Divorce, and will have to seek legal counsel to help me.
But something clicked in me yesterday, up until then I couldn't see away to do this and still have a life of my own during the process and afterwards. I could only see a way by not taking care of all her living needs, where she has to help herself.
And now I has this odd calmness, like it's settled, I know what I must do, and just go do it.
Is it normal to become hard hearted? Is it normal to suddenly get a screw it feeling? And decide to do what's best for myself? Is that the only way to protect myself emotionally?
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A
male
reader, Roosevelt +, writes (25 December 2007):
Roosevelt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was going to let the comments from "leonard j, Douglas " pass without a comment, as the others were helpful. And I don't want those trying to help here, to feel I am not very thankful. I am, and "dearkelja " leading the pack. :) But I have a few questions for you leonard.Why do you think a man can only love if it involves sex? And why does sex mean love to a man?I have for the most part of my life tried, and succeeded to keep sex apart from my love for those around me. Sure there have been times when I was in lust and couldn't keep apart for one moment. But that would pass after a few days.And there have been many friends I loved, who we never had any type of sex with.On to other stuff. After doing much searching and comparing of prices vrs my income, and seeing no way to do it on my current level, I switched to job searching. I have applied for a few on line today. Will have to see what becomes of those. But changing jobs also worries me. Moving for a core of good co-workers, and from a know home life. In the past when I changed jobs, r was reassigned while in the military, I always lost contact with my prior co-workers.I am trying to not think about that for now, as it will most likely be at least a few week off.For " ruinedandlost " reading your replies have me very saddened for what has gone on in your past I only hope you will someday forgive yourself for something that wasn't and still isn't your fault. And to learn to love yourself, and become the person you should be. Try not to let sex be a tool to control you or another person. I know may seem out of place concidering I am hear seeking help myself. But you also have needs to take care of.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 December 2007):
If you've made this decision know that you have a tough road ahead of you. Don't waste another moment looking in the rear view mirror because you are likely to drive right past your future.
I truly believe there is a reason for everything in this life and so don't resent her or blame yourself for decisions made or not made in the past. Believe me you have arrived where you are today as part of a bigger plan.
Don't fear what is to come, embrace life's ups and downs and enjoy the little moments until you get to the big moments.
Take Care.
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A
male
reader, Roosevelt +, writes (24 December 2007):
Roosevelt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, thank you for replying and offering your support.
Our current income isn't able to support separate households. But if i just move in as a room mate with someone(s) we could make it. I am looking for either a new higher income job, or a second job. But have only started that this past week.
I am looking for changes in what I do with my spare time. I've been offered to join a bowling team with a older co-worker, who says I need to get out more. I most likely will try that out. Keeping my mind closed into playing on line games, doesn't help. I know i was using them to escape from my life, not face up to it.
I have done quite a bit of self reflexion these past few days, and something I see is I have just been doing enough to exist and get by, not living or trying to grow. Almost like I am afraid of a better life for both of us, so I was blaming other things for our problems, not facing what is the major reason.
I have turned down what might have been better jobs within my company, because it would involve not being there to take care of her. I don't know if i should have or not. But this does raise some resentment within me.
Hindsight does tend to show you warning signs, hopefully my prejudice towards one direction or another doesn't effect how I read them.
But the moving to a different job for increased pay, as I may need to do, does have me worried. I like the people I work with, and many are and have been very supportive. Those I have confided in, about my loneliness in my relationship, have also said move on.
So I guess I move towards preparing for separation and divorce. Finding a place to live away for her, and increasing my income to support these changes.
God, please give me the strength to do what's right for both of us. Yes I am afaid of what is to come.
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A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (24 December 2007):
There are no easy answers in what you are going through in your 19,years of lonelinness. My wife an I also have a language and cultural barrier between us, And Yes, There are often times when this loneliness is pretty damn hard to bare,and I too am down in the Dumps. I'm not going to ask you why you married someone you didn't love,because most of us men marry out of sexual lust,then if we are really lucky,we fall into love. In your case you never took the time to fall in love with her. And as I see it, perhaps,your sexual togetherness,on your part,fell flat-on-it-face. That she loves you I have no doubts, and as I see it, You won't be happy with anyone else until you learn to love your wife and she is the best place to start.
Like most men,I don't think that you really know what sex is all about. So,Perhaps this will be of help to you. For a man sex is love and love is sex, not so with most women,and when your wife says that she loves you, Well, You can take that to the bank. You didn't learn to love her out of your sexual lust,and that is where most of us men learn about love,how sad. And as long as you refrain from your sexual relationship with her. There is little chance that you'll ever learn to love her or any other woman. Do you think for one moment, that you'll ever find love in your overload of me-ism? I don't really feel sorry for you, but for your loveless marriage,and a loveless wife, who sure as hell,who deserves much more than that.
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A
female
reader, ruinedandlost  +, writes (23 December 2007):
 well my dad has kinda the same problem... he told me when i was 17 my mom didnt want to anymore... theyve been married for 25 years now(im 23 now)... i hate to say it but i think their marriage might be over... even if they stay together itll be a comfort thing... it would probably be better if they moved on...but after being together that long i can understand you dont want to though all that time away.... but it wouldnt be... youd just be starting a new chapter....or you can stare at an empty page...
you dont have kids...so thats a good thing... its hard for kids to see that... its even worse if your dad tells you the reason hes been touching you since you were 6 is because hes in love with you...and when your 17 and he asks you to sleep with him because your mother wont... and that it wouldnt really be cheating because i was his property till i was 18.... and after you tell him no for the first time he asks you again...he tells you that hell buy you a brand new mustang for one night.... and the only way to make it stop is to leave....so youd sleep with any guy just so you werent there for him to rub on...
well got a little off the topic....sorry
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 December 2007):
Well, I hit that wall and didn't want to hurt my husband either. But the fact is that staying with him was hurting him anyway and it was hurting me. I asked for and got a divorce. He was hurt beyond my imagination. But it is a temporary hurt and eventually he will find someone who can really be in love with him. Even he will admit he was no longer attracted to me, it was just the routine and stability he enjoyed.
Divorce isn't easy either. There are some incredibly lonely times and I did lose my best friend. The future looks bright though and is filled with wonder and unopened doors. I can't tell you what to do with your life but I don't think living out your days with an empty heart is the solution.
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A
female
reader, uhhhhey +, writes (23 December 2007):
 I empathise with you completely, it is not worth the pain, boredom, and emptiness just to "be married". Life is short, don't waste another second of it not being happy or satisfied. Your wife is clearly not the woman for you, and since you feel that way, you are clearly not the man for her. Don't feel bad about ending the relationship, neither of you is truly happy with it, and you can not help how you feel. Don't feel guilty about doing something that would make you happier (getting a divorse). It's your life. I can't see any reason to prolong the situation you've put yourself in. It should have ended earlier, honestly. I really hope everything works out and you being enjoying your life .
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