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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts, I've been with my bf for 1 year now, it's been a year full of ups and downs. The first few months of the relationship were great, well he's my first boyfriend, and I felt on cloud 9 with all those emotions and the love I felt, but I think it was more like infatuation. The last couple of months, I started to feel that the spark is no longer there, I no longer find our conversations interesting, I no longer feel that he's the one. I feel so sad about it, but it's out of my control. I thought that this is a temporary thing, but it's been months now, and I still feel that he's not the man I'm looking for. He loves me a lot, and I feel so guilty feeling like this, and since he's my first boyfriend, it will be hard for me to dump him and carry the guilt because dumping him will hurt him a lot. I don't want to lead him on, and I don't want to leave things until it gets worse, I want to be direct and straightforward but i don't know how. It will hurt both of us, maybe it will hurt him more because deep down I know he would fight until he wins me back, but I don't want him. How can I tell him that I no longer have feelings for him but not in a cruel way? Please give me an advice on how I should initiate this topic with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2020): The longer you lie to him and yourself the worse it will be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"He's a grown-man; and life doesn't always give us what we want, when we want it."
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2020): There is no tender way to tell somebody that you want to end your relationship; because nobody I've ever met wants to be rejected. It hurts the pride and dents the ego.
When you coddle people like children, it's not them you're protecting. You can't sugarcoat hurtful but necessary actions to make "yourself" feel better. He's a grown-man, and life doesn't always give us want we want, when we want it.
You don't have to be cruel, just be direct and honest. You do not feel romantically-attracted to him, as you once did. He will be hurt, but this is one of the downsides of adult-life. Playing him along when you no longer feel romantic-love towards him is cruel.
Call him over letting him know that you have something serious to discuss. Nobody likes being blind-sided. At least be fair, direct, and honest. Don't pander to his emotions or condescend. That's what makes it worse.
When I got dumped, the part that hurt me more than anything was being told "I could do better than being with him." Just get to the point, don't dilly-dally and dance-around. Let him deal with his feelings. Move on.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (22 January 2020):
 "I feel so sad about it, but it's out of my control."
Get some control.
That is the crux of your problem. You have been dating a guy that you don't love for months, because you are unwilling to act. All you have to do is say "no, we aren't together anymore".
Don't say "it's not you , it's me"
Don't say "we can still be friends"
Do say "I don't want to date you"
You probably should say that there is not another person, if that is true.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 January 2020):
 Sadly there isn't an easy way to break up with someone especially if they still love you and are not aware that your feelings have changed. Its going to hit them like a ton of bricks.
Be as kind as you can but be FIRM. Do not let them entertain any hope that you're just on a break, you might get back together etc. DO NOT say "let's be friends". That is honestly hurtful and rather insulting. If at all possible do it in person unless the person might go off on you or get violent. I honestly recommend doing it in a rather public place not in one's home or car...JUST IN CASE. If you are at all worried about their behavior then either have a friend come along (not really recommended but an alternative) OR do it in an email but only if you really are afraid of the guy's reaction.
Be sure this is what you want and leave the guy with dignity. Don't waffle. Its either over or its not.
Good luck. Just try and think of how you would want someone to end a relationship and try to do it in that manner. You sound like a sweet girl and its obvious this bothers you. I hope it can go as painlessly as possible for both of you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2020):
 There is no EASY way to break up. THAT is a fact. Especially IF he cares for you.
But it is BY far more cruel to STAY with someone you don't really feel you want to be with.
What can you say?
Well, I think a break up should be done IN person. (if the person isn't going to get aggressive). I think it's fair enough to kind of "pack it in cotton" do in a gentle way. Like saying:" I feel we have very little in common and we have drifted apart. I don't see us having a future together and I don't want to lead you on, YOU deserve someone who wants to be with you." I think a:" Hey we need to talk do you have 10 minutes to meet up?" is a way to do it and sort of "prepare" him a little too.
Make it SHORT. Do NOT give LONG explanations as to why you no longer want to date.
DO NOT offer to be "friends". That is a slap in the face and will only make it 10 times harder to move forward. Doesn't mean DOWN the line that you can't BE friends, but right now? No. Not fair or kind to offer friends.
Make sure you have EVERYTHING of his when you break up and give it back. And if you know you have stuff at his place GET them BEFORE you break up. If those things matter to you.
Sometimes relationships don't work out. That is reality.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (21 January 2020):
 Breaking up is never easy to do. We all wish there was a way to do it that both parties accepts the break up and move on without angry or desperation.
You don't have to be cruel to make the break up a success.
You tell him how you are feeling, that you don't see a future with him and that you are ending the relationship. That is all that is needed. Once you break up then you have to end all communication. If you stay in touch then you are leading him on.
Clean break, new life.
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