A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I split up with my ex of 8years 7months ago but only stopped living with him 3months ago. Since splitting up I had a few casual dates that meant nothing and then met this guy I really liked him and I thought everything was going great but he just ended it with me without any explanation really. I wasnt expecting it to hurt so much but everything has come flooding back with my ex and I just dont feel I'll ever trust anyone again. He used to put me down and say no other men would have me and blamed me for him Cheating on me and I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone and everything really hurts. I hate living alone now and it seems so real. Shouldn't I be well.over it and why am I so upset about some guy I've dated for 2months? I just feel like I can't take rejection right now.i feel my life is nowhere where I thought it was my ex and I had planned to get married and start settling dow and now I just feel like I dont really know how to be alone it just hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2020): My dear, it's still a very fresh breakup; after being with someone longer than a lot of folks are married these days!
Lets do the math. Your age-group is between 30-35, that makes you between 22-27 when you began the relationship. You were convinced this would be the man you'd marry; considering you were able to manage a consistent commitment that lasted nearly a decade. That's pretty good!
This is the psychology you've got to understand. You've pushed the purpose of your relationship from romantic to dependency. Your relationship was the center of your universe.
That's dangerous, because you'll lose your identity and independence by becoming too absorbed into the life of a man.
You still have to reserve some of you for yourself; even when you're half of a committed-relationship. I understand, because that was something I once did too. When my partner died, I felt lost and aimless. I became scared and desperate.
Imagine, 28 years as partners...then poof! He died of cancer. Looking back, he was everything to me. I had been warned about that. Knowing someone since you were in your early teens, and hardly knowing any other relationship before that. Putting all of me into being what he wanted and needed. Trying to be everything to somebody else. Meanwhile, letting my own identity evaporate into the ozone. I snapped out of it. It took time and effort.
Now you need to re-establish an identity; and rediscover yourself as an individual.
Your self-worth isn't contingent on having a man; or being told by a man what he thinks you're worth. Do you believe only what you're told about yourself???
You have to free yourself of emotional-dependency; and be recognized as a whole-person unto yourself...not one-half of somebody else! If you don't, it's just like when you were an infant. You felt lost and abandoned; unless your mother coddled you in her arms. You panicked when you lost sight of her. We're not supposed to feel like that as adults. We're supposed to be able to survive on our own, and not look at it as being isolated. It's being clingy and smothering when you're up somebody's bum day-in and day-out! You need space. You have to stretch and grow, sweetheart!
We live on a planet populated by over 7.7 billion people!!! Privacy comes at a premium these days! You have to learn how to be an adult who can survive alone; and still maintain balance and happiness in your life. You will otherwise find yourself desperately clinging to men you don't really care for. You will convince yourself you love guys you don't; when the truth is, separation means abandonment and isolation. That's not healthy.
It hasn't been that long; so you have to go through some withdrawal-symptoms from separation-anxiety. Separation-anxiety can be excruciating! I know! Been there, and done that!
Don't dwell on what you've lost, consider what you've gained. Grief from loss is a natural human-response. A period of only 90-days is barely enough time to come to terms with the reality of your breakup. You have to be patient with yourself. Dating was too soon, and your desperation scared the guy! You admit you don't know how to be alone; so he must have felt the clingy-vibes of your loneliness.
Fight through it! No matter what your mind is telling you. Allow yourself time to grieve; and let the withdrawal and detachment-process run its course. It is a natural emotion that comes over you in waves; and it can cripple you with depression, if you don't learn how to take control of the panic. You'll start chasing after your ex; or doing foolish things to ease your loneliness. That could be dangerous! Women turn to the internet and get preyed upon by scammers or predators.
Hold it together, sweetheart! It gets better!
Eight years to suddenly-single is a shock!!! I know, but I got through it. I didn't really think I could. I speak from experience; and I know for a fact what you feel now is only temporary. You will be stronger when you come-out on the other side. I'm not telling you this only to make you feel better. It's true!
Don't give-in, or give-up!
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (21 January 2020):
 8 years with someone is quite a chunk of time. I highly doubt that you would be over what you feel for him in that short amount of time. Its even more so since you were living with him until 3 months ago. Seeing him every day even though you were no longer a couple. That's going to hurt! It honestly takes most people quite awhile to get over a long term relationship. Many people make the mistake of jumping right into a new relationship and they may APPEAR to be ok but seriously they probably aren't. They have not had time to evaluate, come to terms with the ending and they just push their way through to "move on". Rebound relationships rarely ever last. I know it hurts to be alone but you CAN manage and honestly it might be very good for you. It will give you time to find out who you are, pamper yourself and discover new things in life. Everyone feels alone after a breakup. Its natural and it can be quite scary but it can also be refreshing and revigorating if you look at it in the right light. Try not to think "OH I'm alone what am I going to do now??" Think "HEY..I can do what I want, when I want, eat what I want, go where I want to go and try thing that "John" didn't want to do. I am one of the few people I know that didn't hurt after my marriage of 16 years ended. All I felt was relief. I didn't shed one tear or have one regret. I felt NOTHING except "Thank God that is over". Many people don't understand but its actually very simple to me. I had spent years of hell living with an alcoholic and he had drained me of any love/caring/compassion in my body. He turned my children's lives upside down and did things I can't mention to all of us. I never had to go through the grief of a break up because I was just so happy to be gone. My first marriage was different though. My husband had been physically abusive but I loved him even though he cheated, got another woman pregnant and got remarried 6 weeks after our divorce, I still loved him. I was only 21 and though my world was coming to an end. I mourned the loss of our marriage for 3 years hoping someday he'd grow up. In the meantime I went to college, worked full time and made a happy life for our baby. Why? Because I had to. THen one day I realized I didn't miss my ex anymore. I didn't want him back.All you can do is go forward one day at a time. Keep yourself busy, find new hobbies, make new friends if you are lonely, maybe get a room mate, get a pet.and darling...it will get easier. Don't jump into another relationship so quickly...men can sense desperation too so be cool...casual if you really need to date. Be good to yourself. And one day you'll wake up and realize that you don't miss him like you did and that the breakup was for the best.Hugs..you hang in there. You aren't alone..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2020): Sorry to hear about your suffering. But. You have lived through a trauma and I do not mean (just) the break up, but the relationship itself.
The men you spent willingly almost NINE years with, had been seriously abusing you mentally and emotionally. You were planning to MARRY someone who has been abusing you.
Until you understand WHY you accepted this behavior, you will most likely repeat the scenario again, because, as you say you " don't know how to be alone".
Maybe, you re so afraid of being on your own that you are ready to accept even a bully as a partner?
Try to define why you can't be alone.
Do you need someone to take care of you financially? Emotionally?
Do you need someone to take the decisions for you?
Does taking the responsibility feels like too heavy a load?
What was your family life like when you were a kid?
Have you felt abandoned by one or both of your parents?
Did you feel the need to act or be a certain way just to get the attention from your parents?
Deeply rooted fear of abandonment can make us accept the unacceptable. Until you learn how to deal with it, you will not only be miserable when alone, but miserable when you are with someone.
Empowering oneself is the way to go.
Babies are totally dependent on their carers. If they do not love them enough to properly take care of them, babies die. People who grow up in families where they didn't get affection, usually continue, even as adults, to see love as either taking care of someone or being taken care of.
As you empower yourself, you will see that you do not NEED anyone to be with you. You will CHOOSE to be with someone if that person treats you with respect and love (real love), you won't need to do it.
How you will find empowerment is entirely up to you. It depends on where you need to feel empowered.
Some people improve their skills that can lead to a better job and a better paycheck. Some also work on their spending habits, so that they can save up more and spend more wisely thus feeling more mature and secure. Some people do both.
Some join a self-defense class. Some women (many of us actually) feel that we need protection from our male partners. Not only physically. Many feel that it's best to let a husband/bf/partner negotiate with a landlord, salesman or even with a family member.
Some people learn how to drive... so it depends. Only you know the answer.
Look for support among your friends and family. And don't panic if you think that you do not have a large circle of people around you.
First of all it CAN be (re)built, second of all it is not uncommon for people who cling to their partners for fear of being alone, to somewhat isolate themselves from friends and family. Usually their partners are so demanding that they have no time for others and sometimes people are also ashamed of what they have to put up with in a relationship and they just let others go out of their lives.
Therapy is always a good thing, if you can afford it, of course.
It is urgent if you are harming yourself if any way or think about harming yourself.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2020):
 I think the reason it hurts is because you WANT "it" so badly (as in A good relationship). Nothing WRONG in that.
You were still living with your ex 3 months ago, so while you had broken up, YOU were reminded DAILY of him and the fact that it wasn't to be.
I think you jumped into the dating pool WAY to soon. And with the last guy maybe... you came on too strong too soon, which might have made you seem desperate and he skedaddled. OR he just wasn't into anything serious or just not a REALLY a good fit long term.
It doesn't mean it's YOU that isn't GOOD enough.
It doesn't mean that YOU can't trust ALL men.
It doesn't mean that YOU can't find someone who WILL be a good long term partner for you.
It sucks when plans for the future don't work out. I think we have all been there, whether it's for marriage, buying a house, travel, moving to a certain place, promotions etc. etc. When a plan falls through, you NEED to accept that, and move forward. Doesn't mean you HAVE to give up that dream, but it needs to go on the back burner and you NEED to put yourself on the top. SELF CARE, OP.
I think if you were together for 8 years and you guys only TALKED about marriage it probably wasn't to be. Why WAIT that long? But the upside to that... is that HE wasn't the one for you to marry.
All the shit talk he did about NO ONE other man would want you is JUST that... SHIT TALK. He was hoping he could crush your self-esteem and make YOU lonely and alone forever. So that, you need to just toss where it belongs... in the trash.
I think you should take some time and focus on you. No casual sex, hook ups or dating for a good 6-8 months. RELEARN to be on your own, to be there for friends and family, let them be there for you. You can still go out with friends (just don't make them a "hunting for a husband expeditions".)
Maybe pick up an old hobby, set some personal goals JUST for you. Get fit. Learn to knit, do a little travelling, take some classes to improve your career or JUST for fun because it interests you, save up for your own home... Whatever. Something YOU want that you haven't done, yet. Even better, if you have a friend who does/likes that things and do it with them.
Find what makes you tick, what makes YOU happy IN yourself. That is not some guy's job to MAKE you happy. And when you GET there, you WILL attract people who want that in a partner and who can "compliment" that in themselves.
Whether or not you "should" be over the ex, is hard to say. It does take time to move on, and realistically, you have ONLY really been "parted" from him for 3 months. Which is kind of a short time. If you are 30/32 and you spend 8 years with him it's a little under 1/3 - 1/4 of your life that you spend with him so a significant amount of time.
You need to PROCESS the break up now. What went wrong? What were the red flags? What lessons did you LEARN from this relationship? And lastly, WHAT do you have to offer a NEW partner and what would you LIKE in a new partner?
You can't figure all that out overnight.
But what you CAN figure out, is that your EX cheating was NOT your doing, HE made that choice. HE cheated. You CERTAINLY didn't MAKE him cheat. Your "value" as a partner had NOTHING to do with that. IT IS ALL on him.
Doesn't mean you can look back and think about what led up to it.
And you CAN be on your own. I think honestly it's HEALTHY for people to BE independent at times. It might not be easy for you, because you EQUATE YOUR "value" to be ONLY worth something IF you have a man. If a man wants you. The thing is, YOUR value is YOU. Single or not. YOU need to find THAT "value" in yourself. BECOME someone you'd want to date (so to speak). So DO yourself a favor and learn to LOVE you, value you, enjoy you. It will make it SO much easier to let others in who will do the same.
Chin up.
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