A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Just wondering if anyone could give me some advice.. Here is my story. Last year I broke up with my partner of 10 years not my decision I wanted to work through any issues.. There was no violence or cheating or drug abuse. It hit me hard and I struggled with my break up for a long time as I deeply loved my partner very much. 12 months on and no contact and I still think about her every day from when I wake up to when I go to bed.. Iv dated a few woman since and traveled and tryed to stay busy. But still I have my bad days.. Sometimes I think about her with someone else and I don't really feel jealous.. I just feel like I want her to be happy. And sometimes I just want to know that she is OK.. With no health issues.. My question is how long will I think like this and how to forget about it all and put it behind me...?
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broke up, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2020): You strung her around for ten years...my that is a long time.Women can only have babies so long.Maybe she wanted to get married and start a family.Ten years is way to long to wait for marriage.You should have married her while you had the chance.Learn from this....oh yes get therapy...cause you really need it.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 January 2020):
 I'm really glad Honeypie asked you about the marriage issue, because that was also the first thing that crossed my mind! If you loved her so much, why didn't you put a ring on her finger? Relationships HAVE expiration dates where they either go forward or they end. In your case, since there wasn't any cheating or abuse or substances, she maybe felt like you didn't want to raise a family, or grow old together, or protect each other financially given the protections that marrying has for a surviving spouse in the event of losing your partner.
She probably realized the relationship was going nowhere. If you'd been married, if something were to happen to you or her, the surviving spouse would have been taken care of by setting up insurance, or government spousal benefits for the surviving spouse. This also protects a family with children because the spouse who sets aside their career to primarily care for kids has no protection in the event of death or breakup. Even if both people work after the birth of kids, one spouse usually makes the kids a priority while the other invests more into their career and it reflects in promotion and financial opportunities. Who would take care of the kid if he and she were sick? Oftentimes it's the mom who has to stay home with the kid, which has a subtle effect on people's outlook of their career investment.
So if there wasn't a bunch of bad dysfunction in your relationship, why did it end?? And why didn't you marry her?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 January 2020):
 Grief counseling would probably be helpful to you at this point. You haven't finished yet. It takes more than time. As a complete outsider, it appears you are stuck at depression and haven't moved towards reconstruction yet.
There is no timetable for this. You are starting to past minimum expected times at this point. All that means is that this is as soon as we would expect you to be ready to move on.
It's not about time. It's about moving yourself from where you are to a place where you can accept the loss. Don't be impatient.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2020): After you share a 10-year chunk of life with a person; be it good or bad, it takes time to detach all memory and your feelings towards them. You once loved each other, but it soured.
It's not a matter of who left whom; that's a lengthy-period of time that you shared all your vulnerabilities and secrets. Your lives and resources were intertwined; and you formed a bond of emotional-dependency on each other. I know, we presume that we should get-over people immediately; if our relationship was troublesome and tumultuous. Consider the fact that you held-on in spite of all the disagreements and conflict. Internally battling with hope, delusion, denial, and reality. While consciously attempting to overrule (or deny) obvious and consistent incompatibilities that you could neither outgrow, nor overcome.
You couldn't even commit the relationship to marriage. That's what long-term relationships are supposed to evolve to. Even if you don't decide to have children. Being eternal-boyfriends and girlfriends isn't for everyone...even when they lie and tell each other they are fine with it! They'll tell you whatever you want to hear. They'll submit to your inflexible-terms; if it makes you happy. Only, your own reality and truths will eventually overtake you; and resentment and hostility is usually the emotional-response to not getting what you really want. Denial on the surface, with frustration festoring beneath it. Men pretend we can't see it...the selfish-ones anyway!
As the years pass, women become defensive, argumentative; and eventually she'll shutdown. Some become emotional-zombies. Some resort to cheating. Some will just be scornful b-witches; and constantly pierce you with toxic-arrows to let you know how rotten you make her feel. Resentful of how you stole her youth and childbearing-years. If you've got kids, she might turn them against you. They may never admit it's because you refused to ever propose and marry them. Like teenagers, they'll rebel and act-out without any real explanation. That makes it more effective! Deep-down, you know why...you'll avoid asking or admitting to it. If not you, I know there will be readers who can relate to this.
You will experience a period of grief and loss. It's natural and human. Even in instances where people loathe each other; departing from each other will cause the subconscious-mind to be conflicted, because it is used to the familiarity and presence of your foe/significant-other. You'll even miss a stubborn skin-tag, or a pimple, once it's gone! You get used to it, or accept it over a period of time.
The mind remains attached through our memory-processes long after the physical separation. That's why you feel like you've just lost a limb. That void now begs to be filled. Then guilt and regret ceases on conflicted-emotions; when you get angry, and start to stew in it. Finding fault and passing blame. There is a mixture of sentimental-reminiscence and constant ruminations of the good-times. That's the subconscious-mind fighting and resisting the bitter-reality. For some people that lasts only a short-while, some it could take years, and some may not recovery without therapy. Obsession and guilty-remorse can take its toll on some people.
There are random-times of peace and harmony; even in the worst of relationships. That sometimes creates false-hope; and raises the expectations, based on a temporary-moment of ceasefire. All it takes is a disagreement to trigger unresolved-conflicts and problems; and it's back to business as usual.
If you can't get-over the past, and move on by yourself; then seek some professional-counseling.
You need to talk to a licensed-therapist, to deal with your grief and possessiveness. I would speculate that jealousy is the main motive behind your grief. You both refused to change, and you both needed to be right. Stubbornness and impasse voided or prevented any sensible compromise.
You can't deal with your ex-partner finding peace, love, happiness, and harmony with someone else; after your relationship failed. Love with patience and compromise is not an afterthought. You tend to it and nurture it when you've got it. Men more than women seem to have a harder time with their exes having sex with their new-partners; even if he despises her with all his being! It's our male-pride and ego; a warped sense of property-ownership over another human-being. Some men become stalkers, they harass their exes relentlessly; and they become consumed with their anger and hatred. That's usually indicative of mental-health/ anger-issues that were never addressed and treated. It's also the reason the relationship failed in the first-place. Above anything else... a need of control over the thoughts and actions of their mate. The relationship morphs into domestic-violence. More like imprisonment, or confinement.
If time hasn't been a sufficient vehicle to recovery, I'd suggest you see a therapist. Left unchecked, it will manifest in self-destructive or negative-behavior. You will sabotage your relationships before they have time to progress. Maybe you will be tempted to reach out and bother your ex. You'll want to disturb her peace. You'll want to know if she suffers for you, like you suffer for her. You'll punish her for getting-over you! You will attempt to cause conflict and unrest in any relationship she has. The worst-case scenario is, you will attempt to destabilize any existing-relationship she has; to inject poison and suspicion within her partner. The devil is always looking for an unstable-mind to wreak havoc and turpitude.
Keep dating, just don't attempt to form serious-relationships. I don't mean by being a player!!! Just stay sociable, charming, and visible. Eventually, someone will reawaken something within you that you won't be able to suppress or stop. Love will push its way back to the surface. You will instinctively start to recognize and be attracted to traits and attributes distinct and unique to that particular woman. You will stop looking for your ex's clone; and let-go of the jealousy and possessiveness that has held you as an emotional-hostage. I believe therapy will get you there a little faster!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2020):
 She will always be part of your life in the sense that she is part of your past.
10 years and you never got married? How come?
What was the issue that broke you two up?
Wanting to wish her a happy life, wanting to know she is doing OK is normal.
Missing her is normal too. You miss the familiarity, you miss the good stuff.
Every person that comes into your life are there for a lesson, OP. Think about what you learned from being with her. When you aren't really over a person, dating someone new rarely works out because deep down you are looking for a "replacement" but one who is similar to the ex. And people are different.
So when you FEEL ready to move forward, don't LOOK for similar types of women hoping that you will get another woman "just" like your ex. Think about what YOU have to offer, what you are looking for and go slow to ensure you both want the same things.
10 years is a LONG time to be with someone. There is no magical timeline for when you are ALL over an ex. As we all move at different speeds. Keeping busy is good, as long as you DO IT for you, not just to try and "block out" memories of her.
She obviously meant a lot to you and was a BIG part of your life. It's ok to still think of her, but when you do, try and make the "thought" a fast one, not one that goes on and on through out the day.
The relationship IS over. Whether you wanted it or not doesn't really matter now. If one party of couple wants out, there isn't much the other person can do. That is reality of life. She wanted out, it ended.
You won't ever FORGET her, but she will over time "fade" in your mind (hopefully) if you continue to work on you, better you, your life, your friendships and relationships with other people. DO things that you enjoy.
There isn't much else you CAN do but accept that it IS over and that you have to move on.
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