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writes: Hello,I ve been married for 10 months. I love my husband and I know he loves me too. He has this habit of going to the cafe across the street and sit with his friends, talk , play cards and stuff. I made it clear that I am not really excited about this. I told him that he is all my life, I don't have friends or family in this country, so when he goes out, I feel so left out, cause 1st, I am not busy, 2nd, cause I feel he's preferring going out with friends over staying home or going out together. He told me that he just needs this, like once or twice a week. Is this normal? Do I need to remind him that I don't like it, or ask him to change?Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): My husband and I have been having the same problems... maybe worse. He wanted me to see that other wives felt that it was okay he went and hung out with his friends. We've been married for almost 3 years and it's been the same thing every single weekend. Of course I wouldn't mind if he went down the street to have a few drink with the boys... but it's not a few drinks. He gets wasted and doesn't come home until 3 or 4 or the last time was 6 almost 7 AM. This is every Friday night. Then Saturday he wants to go do something with them again... play sports or just hang out... Then Saturday night he wants to drink again. He gets drunk again. Then Sunday he want to spend time with them again... This time playing sports... but they don't just play for fun. Losers from the other team has to drink a beer each for each loss. HE WOULD LOVE TO DO THIS EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND IF HE COULD. He and I have been fighting since day one. And now that we have a 3 month old daughter, I would like some family time. If he could at least spend one day out of the weekend with us, then that would make me happy. BUT NO! He complains that Monday through Thursday he's already spending time with us... which is he watches our daughter while I work from 8 to 5. I come home watch her and cook at the same time while he's on the computer. Then by ten - eleven we're in bed after I've bathe her and prepared her bottles. Wow what great family time. If he met me halfway, then YES I wouldn't be "trippin" all the time as he says I do. How about if he knew to come home before midnight? How about if he didn't come home drunk? How about him spending just one day with our daughter if he doesn't want to spend time with me? READ THIS HUSBAND!!!
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reader, mystify +, writes (12 March 2006):
 heya,
i would say that it is normal for him to spend time with friends but it is also normal for you to both spend this time with each other . what i am trying to say "normal " is whatever you want it to be, there are couple who love to spend all their social time together and couples who like to spend some of it apart . it just seems unfortunate that you and your husband seem to opposites on this one.
one thing i would be concerned about is that it sounds like you are new to the area , you are probably feeling lonely and left out , so maybe explain to him that you feel this way and maybe ask him if you can come along, mixed sex groups of friends can work just aswel as single sex groups of friends, the way me and my husband deal with our friendships is that we have the same friends male and female and we all hang out together , its a great laugh, and i get to be withall the people i love and enjoy all at once.
if he is not keen on this idea, then ask him to join you in starting up a few hobbies , just for a while till you start to meet and make some friends of your own as it can be quite daunting on your own, if he dosent enjoy them he can quit once you are settled.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): Yes, he needs a seperate identity from you. I predict a breakup in a year when you smother him and force him to assert independence. Please check back in with us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): Yes, this very normal. Guys need to unwind, to find themselves in the company of other men where they can be themselves and not worry about the consequences. If you are loving, trusting and understanding, no man in his right mind would do anything to damage the relationship. Going out to the cafe across the street, to play cards with the guys is tame compared to what some guys do with their friends. Let him go 2 times per week and tell him to have a nice time. Find hobbies, interests and friends to keep yourself busy. Try not to worry about this, dear..good luck and take care.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (7 November 2005):
Yes, it's fine for him to take that space, you just need to find something of your own to occupy your mind. What are you interested in?
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reader, Juliette  +, writes (7 November 2005):
 Yes it is not only normal, but a good idea. I suggest you make friends too, not to get back at him, but so you both have a healthy relationship where you are not solely dependent on each other. I am just ending 25 years of marriage because I am suffocating with frustration after making the same mistake.
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reader, cowlick28 +, writes (7 November 2005):
I'm in agreement with eyeswideopen on this one.
You certainly need a hobby of your own. Why don't you have friends where you are? There are plenty of local organisations that hold events where it's easy to meet people. Join a club (Local bingo, art, yoga etc) there are millions of things you could be doing on your own or with other friends.
Everybody needs their "own space". That doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to commit adultry or even that he doesn't want to be with you, he just likes to have a bit of time with some friends, which we all need to some extent.
Why not do a search on the internet now for local events that interest you - perhaps a local amateur dramatics society or a carnival commitee? Whatever it is, i hope you find it and start to get some of YOUR time!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): Wow. This sounds like a tough situation. It really isn't fair to either of you for your husband to be "all your life" -- think about how much pressure that puts on him, and how much it sets you up for disappointment. It's hard to believe that any one person could be everything you need. But it sounds like you're new to this country, which can make things lonely, and meeting new people is hard. You mentioned that you don't have friends or family in the area, and that you're not busy. Lonely + bored is an awful way to feel. No wonder you're bothered by him leaving to go hang out with friends - you aren't able to do the same.
You need to recognize that he's right to want to spend time with his friends. As long as you think that's the problem, things will become more and more tense between you. But I think if you realize that this is less about him spending time with his friends than it is about your lonliness/boredom, things could be resolved.
My suggestion would be to pick a day when he hasn't hung out with friends and the two of you have spent plenty of time together. Then talk to him about what you said here. Tell him you're lonely and bored because he's the only person you really know in the area, and you don't have much to do. Since he has friends in the area, my guess is he's been around there longer than you have. Maybe his friends have wives that they could introduce you to. Maybe they could plan a few times a month to get together and bring their spouses along. Maybe your husband will have other ideas of how you can meet some new people. The other thing you might consider is getting involved with some kind of volunteering. It's a great way to make new friends, and it would resolve your problem of not being busy. Plus, you'd feel good about yourself.
Being in a new place can be really daunting, particularly if there are language barriers. Trying new things on your own can be really intimidating, to the point that you just don't think you can, or that you won't enjoy it when you do. If that's a part of what's holding your back, see if your husband would be willing to volunteer with you for a while, so you have someone you know in the beginning. As you start to recognize the other 'regulars', you'll find you don't need him there quite as much.
To conclude, Yes, it's absolutely normal that your husband NEEDS time with his friends, and you will create real problems in your marriage if you press on that. The flip side is that it is ABSOLUTELY normal for you to feel dependent on your husband when you know no one in the area and don't have much to do. The solution isn't to make him give up things that are important to him in order to make you happy -- it's for him to help you find a way to feel less completely dependent, by helping you develop friendships and activities in the area. Focus on that, and I think things will get better.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 November 2005):
 If the cafe is just across the street and it's only once or twice a week I don't see that as a big problem. Has he ever invited you to go along? If not ask if you can join him once in a while. Otherwise why not find a group that meets once a week: reading group, church group, sewing group...Or you can find a hobby of some sort to keep you occupied. Maybe you could do some volunteer work at the nearest hospital or nursing home. I really don't see this as a big problem.
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reader, lyndsey +, writes (7 November 2005):
No you don't need to ask him to change, he's doing nothing wrong. Everyone needs there own time alone or with their friends if your together all the time you will drive each other crazy.It's not as if he's in the pub every night coming home blind drunk. If you don't let him have his own freedom he will start lieing about where he is and before you know it you will be getting devorced. If your bored try starting a new hobby or joining a club that way you will make friends, then you can go out and have your own fun everyone needs friends.Also when your apart you will miss each other more,in my experience men like strong independent women with their own interests not clingy nags. lyndsey
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