A
male
age
41-50,
*rt99
writes:Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Firstly let me just say that I am a really honest guy, who doesn't normally lie (truth) (Hard to believe when you hear my story). But one lie I told recently has snowballed into hundreds of lies.OK - I was in a relationship with another guy for seven years (lets call my ex X ). We were both faithful for the entire time. X ended the relationship a few months ago saying he needed to be alone. I thought we were really happy and a perfect couple, but obviously my ex didn't think so. I was (and still am) devastated. I have been trying to win him back because I miss him so much. Incredibly we have stayed friends, even though he has met someone new already and tells me he is in love with this new guy (let's call the new boyfriend Peter). I have seen photos of X and his new boyfriend, Peter and they look really happy and relaxed together, of which I am entirely jealous. My problem is I have been quite stupid and don't know how to get out of the mess I have created for myself. In order to win back my ex, I have invented a new boyfriend (Joe) for myself to try to make my ex jealous. It seems to be working as my ex seems to want to see me more and more, especially on days when I am supposed to be meeting my imaginary new boyfriend, Joe. I have lied to my ex saying that Joe and I are really in love. I showed him photos of Joe (some unnamed photo on the internet of a hunk from Australia!). My ex and his new boyfriend went on holiday together (true) and by the strangest of coincidence (!!) Joe and I also went on holiday (false), where imaginary Joe proposed to me and gave me a gold ring (I actually bought one in a shop), so imaginary Joe and I are now engaged. I am also selling my real apartment (false) and Joe is selling his beautiful imaginary house and we are moving to Hawaii at the end of the year (false) (I know, I can hear you.What a mess! How could I let it get so out of control!!). The last few times that my ex and I have been to dinner I can see that my ex is starting to fall for my charms (as he did 7 years ago). We have got really, really close. He almost stayed over at my place a couple of nights ago, but I stopped it because I was feeling really guilty about all my lies and feeling especially bad for Peter, who has done nothing wrong and seems to really love my ex. I really, really am in love with my ex and would love to get back with him, but I feel so guilty for trying to 'steal' him from Peter (who I have never met, but know he does exist). I am also thinking that my ex has slept with this new guy, which is something I don't think I can forgive, even though I told him I had slept with my new boyfriend, which of course I haven't I have remained faithful. I realise now that my conscience wouldn't allow me to get back with my ex at any cost (hurting Peter). Something I didn't know when I first made up imaginary, gorgeous, dark haired, green eyed, perfect body, full-time cop Joe. My ex wasn't showing any interest in me until he thought that someone else was showing an interest in me. I think that if I tell my ex that Joe doesn't exist he won't want to see me anymore, not even as a friend, which would break my heart further. But most of all I am thinking that Peter has met my ex (after we split), fell in love with him and is really happy and I am going to hurt him by winning back my ex. I realise I can't hurt Peter (who is an innocent in this), even if it means that I am sad and alone. I need to do something as the four of us (three real + one imaginary) are all meeting up for dinner next week!! I can't bear to go alone and see my ex and his new boyfriend in love and I can't go with Joe because, if you had been following closely, you'll know that he doesn't exist. I promised also to bring photos of my holiday with Joe (or should I say imaginary holiday with imaginary boyfriend). It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic. I don't think I could come clean and finally tell the truth, as it would be so utterly humiliating for me. I thought perhaps to somehow break up with Joe My other thought is to hire a look-a-like to pretend to be perfect policeman Joe and be totally in love with me. What should I do? Please help.
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engaged, fell in love, jealous, my ex, on holiday, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 Good decision. It'll be hard if your ex stops contacting you with no Joe, but it'll be better for you in the long run in terms of letting you move on.
You really do sound like a nice, clever, humorous guy (who has his moments!) and I'm sure you'll be snapped up soon enough.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 October 2012):
 Hahaha bless you!!
Well done for making a decision and lets hope you will go on to happiness in the future. Your dilemma really made me smile (because your writing is so fluent, not because of the sad situation)
Be good xx
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A
male
reader, Art99 +, writes (29 October 2012):
Art99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany.many thanks to all who have replied. I will rate you all individually.
As mentioned before I am basically an honest guy, but this one little white lie has spiralled so far out of control and it's so hard to keep track that I can't keep it up. I am 99.9% sure that my ex believes in Joe, as in the 7 years we were together I never lied to him, so this 'Joe' business is so out of character for me. Saying that 'Joe' doesn't exist would be just far too humiliating, so I think I'll go for just one more lie and say as many of the Aunties have suggested that Joe and I have split up and it's too painful to talk about and NEVER mention him again.
It will be hard though because my ex has contacted me EVERY day with texts and requests to meet up since 'Joe' came on the scene and I honestly think he'll stop once 'Joe' disappears. But my guilt at potentially hurting Peter is so strong that it's something I must do. I will drop all contact with my ex. As one of you said, if my ex wants to get with me, he will drop his current one first, I have no right (and no wish) to split them up. So the engagement with Joe is now officially off and I am free to move on and look for a real life Joe. However I have just remembered Joe did have a younger brother, Carl that was even better looking. If I remember rightly he was a 25 year old blue-eyed fireman, who had beautiful blonde hair and two dogs called ........ No REALLY I have learned my lesson! No more lies and no more deceit. Thanks again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): You could just tell your ex that you and "joe" broke up because he cheated on you or some thing like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): Look at it this way: knowing you are engaged, your ex is still not prompted to break up with his new boyfriend and get back with you so he doesn't want you back too badly. If he hasn't left his new boyfriend for you by now, it's not going to happen. Either that or he knows what you are up to and having some fun at your expense. He does know you well and your story really doesn't ring true...it's really not too believable and the motives for making a story up like this has probably not gone undetected by your ex. Maybe he's calling your bluff on this dinner? I think your strategy only could have worked in the short run anyway. Remember, he dumped you and moved on. In the end, I really doubt you'll get him back. I would act or not act based on how you'll respect yourself the most looking back on it...or how you want him to remember you and what he'll tell others, if that's more your thing.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 October 2012):
I agree with the other aunts.
Tell your ex that you and Joe broke up and that you don't want to talk about it. Then just let it fade into the mists of time.
I can understand your pain at losing your partner and you need time to recover. The best way to do that is to have no contact and just focus on yourself for a while.
Hiring a fake Joe would be a disaster and you may even open yourself up to blackmail so it's not worth going there.
I am sure your ex still cares about you, many do even though they have moved on, you just need to accept the truth and know in your heart you are a good person who wishes him and his new boyfriend well...that's what a decent person would do.
You are still so young, you have lots of time to meet someone new and who knows, maybe Joe is out there looking for you.
Chin up, tomorrow is a new day xxx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 October 2012):
The way you wrote this also made me laugh; you have a talent!
But you're right, it's pretty tragic. Actually at the moment, it is not quite tragic, but it will definitely cross that line if you hire someone to pose as Joe (how are you going to find an escort to match the photo of the anonymous Australian from google btw?!).
I think you should simply tell your ex that Joe is "no longer on the scene" and don't elaborate. Don't make up any elaborate lies! Cancel the dinner with X and Peter.
I know you still love your ex. If he feels the same way about you, let him break up with Peter and then approach you. If he doesn't feel the same way but you somehow lure him back using 'Joe', he won't be back with you for the right reasons, will he? In fact he'll be cheating on Peter and regarding you as a cheater, too.
Maybe friendship with X isn't such a good idea if it leads to this kind of stuff ...
I hope this works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 I'm sorry I cant stop laughing but OH MY GOD!! Seriously what the hell were you thinking!
OK, here's what you do. Come Clean. No more lies, , no more deceit, no more of hunky Joe. You have to tell your ex the truth and be prepared to bear the consequences. No, it will not be humiliating, it will be liberating and you will feel so much better OP, trust me. Stop with all tales of hunky Joe, you cannot break up with him, that's one more lie added up to the entire tally. And no bringing a fake hunky Joe along, because that will lead to an even bigger tangled mess. Very soon you wont even remember what you've lied about and you will get caught in your own tales.
Please stop with all of this. Come clean and let go of your ex. The perfect Joe is out there for you but you just have to wait. You know, you sound like a really nice person and I think this could have happened with anyone. Small little white lies are OK once in a while but you have to know where to stop.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 October 2012):
 You have broken a whole lot of eggs into the bowl and it's scrambled.
Your ex has moved on.
Time you stopped contacting your ex.
Explain? It would take too much time and waste the time fo your ex.
Start afresh somewhere else. make new friends in the new place.
Do NOT mention your ex in the new place.
Start your new life TELLING THE TRUTH and no more lies.
You made this mess. The more you try to get out of this mess the worse you are making it.
Build a new life in a new place.
Life will be calmer. And more genuine
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 October 2012):
 Hi
Wow..you should be writing movie scripts. My view is if you don't want your Ex back then stop contacting or meeting up with him.You do not want to hurt his new man so there is no point
OR
Meet next week with an escort but that would lead to MORE lies,deception and is it really honestly worth it?
Your 'new man' could be so jealous he wants you to stop all contact with the Ex? That gives you a get out strategy.
Liars need a great memory so in the end you WOULD be caught out.You know you've been stupid and have ended up in a right mess so before you make it any worse, stop it.
Let him/them be happy,let it go.
Eventually you will meet your perfect Joe.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): Hi there! you know what u created a big time mess..I don't advise you to tell him the truth, cuz it will make him hate you. On the other hand, Possibly be flattered on what you've done just to win him back...Either way, I suggest for you to save your face. BUT it doesn't mean I recommend you to lie either.JUST SAVE YOUR FACE... How? tell him you and your imaginary bf broke up. cuz you found out his womanizing. I know it's another LIE. but the mess you've done is too much to take...Besides after you tell him, tell him your mending a broken heart and don't want to see him or talk to him until your ready. Once two or three weeks pass by, and he say hello how are you and ask about it, just tell him, You've move on, or trying to move on and dont want to talk about it..It will help you, save your face. But to be honest, you need to move forward and let him be happy with his new gf.If he initiates to ignite old romance, well its up to you, but if he don't time for you to forget your feelings for him... NEVER OPEN UP ABOUT JOE AGAIN. Just tell him you've move on.ok? Hope this help you.... Good luck..P.S I can't believe you did that, but if i were your ex i will be flattered.
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