A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Maybe you all can help me make sense of this. There’s this girl at school that I really like, but she’s being so confusing. I met her last year. We have some of the same friends, but have never really spent much time together one on one. We were at a party several weeks ago and spent most of the evening hanging out together and talking. I found us standing very close several times throughout the night and she didn't seem to mind having my arm around her. We didn't really have much of a chance to say goodnight because we ended up having to chase after her “rather inebriated” roommate and she ended up taking her home. After that, she’s been sending texts every so often. Sometimes just to say hi; other times she’s been stressed out about school work. I've also been texting her to say hi and ask how she’s been. A couple of times I've even stopped by the library with a couple of coffees and chatted for a bit when she’s worked the late night shift. It’s just that every time I suggest that we meet up she always comes up with an excuse as to why she can’t. And to make reading her even more confusing she always comes and gives me a hug whenever I see her.I don’t really know what to make of this. I’d really like to be more than friends with this girl, but she’s being so hot and cold I can’t make heads from tails. She’s not like most of the other girls on campus; the ones that only care about getting with the most attractive and/or most obnoxiously overconfident guys. She’s probably one of the smartest people I know and she actually has goals beyond college. She’s taking some of the toughest courses at our school and getting A’s and B’s. She’s also kind of on the quiet side, but I like that because so am I. And she has a smile that could light up a room.I've asked a couple of friends (from back home that don’t know her) about this and haven’t really come up with much. I may have an idea, but then again it’s just a guess. I heard from a mutual friend a while back that this girl hasn't really dated much and is a virgin; which I’m completely fine with. I’m not a virgin but I also don’t have much dating experience myself. Could it be that she’s unsure of moving forward because it’s moving into foreign territory for her? It could also be that she’s not interested too. I’m not really sure where to go from here. Do I lay it all on the table and straight out tell her that I’m interested in more than friendship? It just seems like things are going nowhere right now. I’m more than willing to take things slow, but it would be nice to know that I’m not wasting (for lack of a better word) my time here. Any thoughts?
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male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (28 October 2012):
This one is tough. Problem is, we guys are usually more interested in an intimately relationship with the opposite sex, while females are far more likely to just see a guy as a friend. I dnt see any huge indicators that she may have a thing for u. And from experience (always confused about if im a friend or potential date), one thing ive learned is that if a girl likes you, she will find a way to hang out with u. A female lady of mine is rarely too busy, even tho she always does homework while we're together. Shows she just wants to be around. Y not just ask the girl? I know it feels awkward but she's worth the chance right? Because we can't answer this for u like she can. Ask her on a date and see what she says. Good luck!!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 It sounds to me like she is holding back probably because she is a little shy and she is unsure about how to move forward with you. As you say she is inexperienced so she probably gets nervous when you ask to meet up and she keeps making excuses. Yes I can understand why this is frustrating, but something tells me you are not wasting your time here. I may be wrong but it does sound as if she likes you.
I think the best way is to be honest with her. Tell her you like her and ask her how she feels about you. Suggest that maybe you both take things slow, meet up a few times and get to know each other. Hopefully she won't let her nerves step in the way and it will develop in to something more. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): She likes you a lot but something is stopping her from accepting your offer to go out. Either it is her commitment to her school work, or it is because she is with someone (although this seems unlikely) or it is because she has religious beliefs about sex and so on. She doesn't seem at all like she is playing mind games with you. The words "I can't", suggest that she would be breaking her own rules or values if she accepted, but also that she is reluctant to elaborate what these actually are. I suggest that you simply ask her why she 'can't' - but in a gentle way - and, from there, take a genuine interest in her reasons rather than pushing her to accept. Make a safe space for her to open up a bit more about her reasons/values rather than judging her or being impatient for a yes or no answer. She also sounds shy and sensitive, so she will appreciate if you make clear that you are interested and maybe a little concerned, for her sake rather than yours, that something may be preventing her. Understand that if she has not been forthcoming about her reasons she may really not want to disclose them, but make sure that she knows she can open up to you in safety.
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