A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I used to date this girl for 3 years , 2 of which were sort of long distance. During that time we had our ups and downs and broke up a few times and always got back together. a few months back we broke up for the last time and she moved back home. Since then we talk here and there and always start discussing our memories and our good times etc...Recently she told me she is dating someone, and tried to oversell me on that person stating that he is so nice, great job, great experiences in life etccc. I of course didn't really believe her. Anyway she then starts to tell me that she spoke to him about us and told him about her feelings for me. She also states that if i had a plan for us to be together and that it made sense that she would leave and be with me. Basically she said that she is going to live her life and not wait for me anymore but if i had a way for us to be together and it made sense that she would follow. This is just so weird for me because i dont understand how someone date someone else but yet say these things. I told her afterwards that this is basically as if you are cheating on him since you are telling me all this and she stated no it isnt since i know you wont do anyting for us to be together.I know we still have feelings for each other, but so many obstacles lie in front of us that i dont know if simply being in love is enoughWhat you guys think ?
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broke up, got back together, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOverall, work is good. Work with the family and it's challenging stressful but it is fun.
I also travel a lot which should keep me excited but it just doesn't do it for me. Friend also it's good, but like you said maybe look for these things to keep me busy.
Regarding women it also is fine, I go out meet people it's fun, I just don't know why I behave like this
On another note btw a mutual friend of our is not talking to me right now because of the fact that I hD used some info she game me in the conversation with my ex, and this is frustrating me also because we have a good friendship.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Yeh maybe she is not over you.. and surely you are not over her... and everybody's wasting their time so somebody needs to put a stop to this " not being over " and that somebody might as well be you :).
Be reasonable, OP, you want to write to her, you want to talk to her, but for telling her what exactly ? " Let's see if we can find an agreement, overcome our differences, and try to get back together... so that in future we still can NOT get along, still NOT be together, and still NOT get married without totally alienating our families ".
A bit silly wouldn'it be ?
I also find very meaningful that the course of your love did not run smoothly not only because of external obstacles ( religion, family, etc. ) but because of personal factors like trust issues, need for attention, etc. In short... she is not the one for you. You may be infatuated, you may be in love, or in lust- but if you don't see yourself with her 10 years from now, and you don't see her as the possible mother of your children... it's not love, it is a romantic fantasy.
How's the rest of your life ? Job, friends, future plans ?... I often have noticed ( and at times I did it myself ) how people tend to create drama in their life because they are just bored- life is not challenging, exciting, passionate enough, so one gets very attached to his7her love drama to spice up things a bit. They know perfctly that the relationship can't work , and can't make them happy... but without the drama, things feel a bit dull, a bit bland.
Is it perhaps your case too ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also think that this behavior shows she in not over me
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanyway I regret having called her and having had this confrontation
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are quite wise Cindy, I love how your words make sense and how you make it sounds so simple (Julie thanks for your words as well). And again I agree.
I always had issues accepting things and its because i always like in anything i do analyse every little item. But here there is nothing to analyze and like Julie said i might be holding on to something just for the sake of it.
I do know that we spent some good times and that a part of them will always remain with you, and that unfortunetly we have to be realistic at some point and say you have to give up, it sadly cant be done. You are right to say that I didn't take the plunge because i knew something wasn't right, and that was because i was never sure she was the one, because of many things (trust at times, fights and how she reacted, constant attention she needed etc. )
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 June 2012):
" As if I could not give her all that ". Well, but you actually cannot .Because you can't be with her.
She is doing what she's got to do, perhaps, and not what she wanted to do deep in her heart, but anyway she IS doing it, and I think you should respect her choice. Becoming adults also mean knowing when to let go of impossible dreams. " If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with " is not such a bad advice, after all. I think this is what she is trying to do- you can't offer her anything real, tangible, only " talks" and words and dreams, and if you keep doing that , you won't solve your situation and you'll make it harder for her to get emotionally attached to her new reality. So you would be hindering her happiness, without promoting yours ( because you said it yourself that there is nothing to do ).
Sorry, but, if you ask me, I understand that it hurts but I think you should move on. I don't know the girl , so I can't swear she is not just throwing another tantrum as usual... but I've got the feeling that you pulled the rope for 3 years, until all of a sudden it snapped. Every patience has a limit, and hers might have reached its limit in these 3 years ( obviously having found another man to date will have given a push in that direction ).
For some reason you find it very hard to let go, but... be honest with yourself :
yes, it's very difficult when there are differences of race, religion, etc.. and the families don't agree.... nevertheless every day there are hundreds of couples that thumb their nose to family opposition, leave behind everybody and everything if the have too, and say to the world : You know what ?, we are going to be together and stay together , if you don't like it, your problem.
It takes courage to do that, but if in all this time you could not musther that courage, probably it's because , deep in your heart, you feel that all in all she would not be worth the hassle.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy, I see what you are getting at, so you do believe that I shouldnt add anything to what has already been said, no emails nothing.
I am confused now as I feel like you said that she does this always do get a reaction from me, and this time maybe i dont want to react. I just dont like how this happened and how she left things, sort of on a argument or fight.
regarding what she wants me to do, yes i agree it is an impossible solution and probably me calling her and telling her or negotiating to put it in your words was not the right thing to do as she probably wanted me to tell her ok lets do it.
I guess i am frustrated and pissed off as to how it went and how she decided to delete me from her bb and all. It is not right that she behaved this way when all that I wanted was to simply have a civilized conversation, she didnt need to say that we should stop our "friendship" because it is not helping us, i mean come on why would you even put it like that, you were the one who wanted to talk and start it all in the beginning.
I honestly believe that like you said she is doing what she has to do, but i know what she is doing isnt what she wants.
Its like when she started telling me about him, she is trying to sell me the guy, saying stuff like we have so many things in common, same passions, same ideas, she is trying to convince herself that this is right. she added things like he is independent and works for himself and has his own work, as if I couldnt give her all that. ( I do pretty well myself ).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): I think you need to get over things and just move on. You keep trying to revive a moot relationship based on a few good memories.
It seems that you are simply afraid to be alone and are holding on to those moments you once lived. If you personally ask me, she also seems unstable with her little ping pong games. That should alone give you an idea of what to expect in the future (hint hint, it can't be good).
Anyway, snap out of it, live life and let go.
Regards,
Julie
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see what you are getting at, so you do believe that I shouldnt add anything to what has already been said, no emails nothing.
I am confused now as I feel like you said that she does this always do get a reaction from me, and this time maybe i dont want to react. I just dont like how this happened and how she left things, sort of on a argument or fight.
regarding what she wants me to do, yes i agree it is an impossible solution and probably me calling her and telling her or negotiating to put it in your words was not the right thing to do as she probably wanted me to tell her ok lets do it.
I guess i am frustrated and pissed off as to how it went and how she decided to delete me from her bb and all.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 June 2012):
I know you don't want to hear this, but if I were you, I'd move on.Like, today. She has already ,... or at least she is way ahead of you and I don't think you can catch up with her anymore.
This moving on might have costed her , you know ? she may be totally in good faith when she says ,or said, that she still loves you. But, as we have already said in these posts, love is not enough, there have to be the actual conditions to LIVE this love in everyday 's life. She wanted or expected you to create these conditions, you did not, she gave up and moved on.
I can see her point, and you can too, if you make an effort of objectivity. You want to talk, reason, negotiate, "discuss potentially getting back together ". Discuss what ? She wants actions, not talks. Some times you can talk an issue to death and never getting it resolved, and I suspect this is what happened in the last 3 years . If the issue is religion- i.e. if either family won't accept one of you/ let you marry because of different religions, you can keep discussing forever, Christians and Jews have been "discussing " , and often not very friendly, who's right who's wrong for the last 2000 years, Hindis and Muslims have been doing the same for just a few centuries less. What do you want to discuss , what's the best religion ?.... waste of time. She does not want to discuss, she wants you to do what would bring you together, which may be to convert, or to openly defy your parents or community , and go against them to be with her.
But if you feel that she is not worth this kind of sacrifice, or if ( not unreasonably ) you want HER to do that for you, what's really there to talk about, what compromise do you see possible ?...
I think she realized that and acted accordingly . She wanted you to DO something, you hesitated too much ( perhaps with excellent reasons, mind you !)and....now she is with a new guy. She still may have you in her heart, but ...life goes on.
I know that you are hesitating to just pull the plug and let her go , because so far this has been her M.O., i.e. playing hard to get, not answering, making you mad... and eventually caving in and talking to you again. So you think this is one more step of the same old dance.
Perhaps. Could be... but if it were, this is a silly vicious circle that won't ever lead to anything other than bitterness and frustration. You have the power to interrupt it. You can give yourself closure if she won't. You can decide that this won't lead to anything, unless you do things that you are not prepared to do ( as it seems to be the case ) - so you can decide to move on yourself and look for a woman with whom you can LIVE your love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Cindy, I did what i thought would help us and contacted her and began discussing us potentially getting back together. I told her the one of the main issue was the religion and one of the reasons i did not come visit was because if we saw each other it would just confuse both of us and i just hoped to resolve our difference prior to me being there.so what happened during our talk which started of good was that she really didn't want to compromise and began getting irritated that after all this time I'm still not with terms with what needs to be done for us to be together. In the middle of the conversation she even had the nerves to bring up her current bf stating that she is happy and all while a week ago she would be wishing i had done something. After the conversation which supposedly frustrated her she hung and told me via blackberry that she cant follow someone who changes his ideas every time and that unfortunetly we cant have everything we want in life. she then proceeded to delete me from bb.At this point i snapped and instead of trying to calm myself i tried to reach her about 15 times without success, to which i also added 10 texts to which she didn't reply. In those messages i was saying that every-time we argue you always act the same way and don't pick up my calls and you always like to make me go crazy and frustrated. now i don't know what to feel and do. I was thinking or writing and email but to say what i don't even knowwhat do you think ?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 June 2012):
Yes, it makes perfect sense. Like you said, you live in another country and you are not doing anything to go and get her, so what can she do but going on with her life. She is leaving the door emotionally slightly open, in the off chance that you may change your mind and make a committment to be with her, regardless of obstacles- one never knows and hope is the last to die.
Personally , I find this immature , dishonest and disespectful to her current bf, but if he is fine with it, well, good for him. Maybe he counts upon the fact that nobody will wait forever ,at some point everybody gets fed up waiting and comes to terms with reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto add to this , yesterday our mutual friend contacted me saying the following:
She is with someone yes, but she wants you. the fact that you are in a different country and that you are not doing anything , she will not wait for you and she is living her life. She will be single when you will want her to be. She even told him that yes i am with you and we are having a good time, but my heart belongs to someone else, to which he said fine if it happens that he will be here and that you decide to leave i will let you. I find this so crazy, but it makes sense.
I told her that this is to messed up and that its to confusing but she kept insisting saying that she asks about me and wonders if i will do something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your word :).
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 May 2012):
Eh yes, I am afraid I agree.
Letting go of something that gave so many exciting romantic moments is undoubtly hard. But, alas, there is not just " you and I " in a vacuum- a couple can't just exist and be happy forever just kissing and holding hands and whispering love words to each other. They must have a project, something to build up together, a vision of a common future. And if this common future has too many obstacles ( family , religion , culture etc.etc. etc.) it's wiser at some point to accept that it's not going to happen, and move on.
Tbh, there ARE couples who defy any opposition, overcome any obstacle, give up even their families and position in society etc. just to be together. It's not that it never happens- only it's a very personal choice that's not the right one for everybody.( Because love is a whole lot, but it's not the entire world of every person ). Plus, to last it must be based upon a strong bond, a strong mature love, which, pardon me, it's not what I can see in your couple, with the emotional ping-pong and the other little games that you both have played ...
You are 26-29. Young. Starting over will be difficult- but not too difficult :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you agree?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see what you mean, I guess you want to hold on to something because of the good times and dont have the strength to cut the ties sometimes because of how much you ve been through with that person.
It is hard because when we were together alone it was good, but as a couple with our respective families and our different backgrounds it was very difficult.
I guess its just difficult to let go and start all over again
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are right, I mean I know you are right.
Sometimes you want to hold on to something because it just had great moments, and you had already done so much to make it great. But eventually you know that it will not lead to the ending you want because of things out of your hands, and of the other person behavior in the meantime .
I guess sometimes its just tiring that you have to start all over again, after so much.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 May 2012):
Sorry, I had not seen your update before posting my answer.
Well, then, is a no go, I guess.
Regardless of the ping pong thing , and the systems she uses to pressure you- which do not bide well for the future of the r/ship.
The problem is , that this r/ ship has no future , as you say.
If you would find now the guts and the way and the means to defy your family's opposition and all the other challenges ... you would not solve anything, because , you say, it would only lead to MORE problems further down the way. You'd patch things up now... but you'd be in a big mess 5 or 10 years for now.
If you are convinced about that, - don't waste time any more. Your efforts and sacrifices would be pointless.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 May 2012):
It sounds that the choices are limited, which is not bad, it leaves less room for confusion.
- Go no contact and move on ( I vote for that , to me it sounds like she has shipped out, even if she still feels wistful about the past ).
- Take all the steps and perform all the actions that would allow you two to be together, and that you are not doing, at least according to her.
I must say that in this the girl has a point, an excellent point, - what's the use of being crazily " in love " if then IRL people won't do their damnedest best to overcome the obstacles and actually DO what can bring them together.
Longing and missing and emoting is very nice, but then you have to make it work. And if you can't, or if you won't, then you have to let go .
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you are saying.... part of our obstacles were family,faith,cultural difference.
The fact is we had issues that we were going to resolve but I knew that on the long run it would cause more problems. Her way of pushing me was always to put a sense of urgency and try and get me to act quickly out of the situation. these situations were to inform me about her seeing someone so that i react.
this had happened previously were she started seeing someone for 2 weeks where in the middle of it she called me one night crying and pouring her heart out to come back to her, which my heart wanted. But then my mind told me that although it would great for the first few years, on the long run it will be a nightmare.
and this sort of ping pong game has been going back and forth for sometime until a 2 weeks ago when we spoke again and she stated as i mentioned earlier about her leaving it all if I was ready and told her how we would be together.
since then i haven't spoken to her but she has tried to grab my attention but putting comments here and there
thanks for the feedback :)
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 May 2012):
Simply being in love is never enough -for many reasons, beside the presence of obstacles ,but that would be long to debate and not really relevant to your case.
Just let me stress that yes, exactly, when there are obstacles " being in love " means nothing, unless there's a powerful drive and determination to overcome them , a strong committment to make it work, committment that's lacking from either of you- or both , actually.
Yes, she could be playing games, people do. It makes them feel good about themselves, they like to know they have a hold on somebody even if they don't want him/ her back in their life, it's an ego thing.
But tbh I don't think this is exactly the case, I think you are reading in her phrases a lot more than there is.
She made a simple constatation, she basically is saying that we have to come to terms with reality and deal with what IS, not what could be.
It's like she was saying " I would love to be with you if you weren't an heroin addict- but you are " or " I would love to be with you if you did not have a wife and 7 children- but you do ".
At times we have to be practical, stick with what works, and let go of what can't work. Which does not mean that what can't work can't leave behind many longering feelings of nostalgy and regret.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am honestly wondering what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I completely agree, I think she also expects me to be there for he whenever she is sad. She also said that i should go see her in order to show that I'm serious about us, I have no comments to add about that.
I was really upset that she is playing these games. I honestly wonder what the he'll is going thru her mind, she even stated yeah I started being physical with him ( I know to make me jealous so that come running back to her)
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (28 May 2012):
Whoever it was that invented that saying that “all you need is love” was a complete idiot. I’m afraid that being in love isn’t enough: people can want to be together, but their values, their expectations, their life circumstances and various other factors can make them completely incompatible. It sounds like this girl is using the other man to get to you, which is a pretty appalling way to treat somebody, and yes, stringing him along as the consolation prize whilst promising that, in theory, she’d leave for some-one else is cheating. You might be in love with this girl, but the relationship has already failed once and now she’s using another man. You’re better off going your separate ways and moving on, to be honest.
I wish you all the very best.
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