A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:I have been dating a divorced 40 year old man for 6 weeks. He wants me to commit to him and he is desperately trying to sell the house that he shared with his ex so that he can move on.He has two children. I have never dated anyone with children or a divorcee for that matter. What am I getting into? He is away at the moment for 2 weeks so I figure it is a good time to really figure things out while I have space as it would not be too late to end things before really strong feelings start to develop.If it weren't for the kids and divorce I would be so into him and commit but the kids thing puts me off a bit.I'm not into kids that much and I want to be in a relationship where it is about one another not kids who belong to someone else.In the divorce settlement it was agreed that he would see the kids every 3rd weekend. So, they are not around that much. I just want to get an idea of how these things can go because as I said I have no experience. I think what really bothers me is that he would be my first priority and I would be his third.Any experience, ideas or advice would be great.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): You are approaching this with such a sensible head, I commend you for that :)
Thinking things through while he is away is an excellent idea, so you can decide before it's too late (before strong feelings develop)
Every person is different, every relationship is different, so only you will know what is right for you, or not. What I can tell you is that when I was young I dated a divorced man who was also 40, with 2 kids, so here is what I've learnt (the hard way)
There are various aspects for you to consider.
1) HIM
First of all, consider him, and only him. Forget about his status, his being a divorcee, his kids, his ex, everything else. Focus only on him. Is he the kind of man you always dreamt of? Does he have the character and personality you respect, admire and want to be with? Is he genuine, honest and a good man? Does he deserve you?
If you feel yes to the above, then no amount of obstacles should get in your way. For true love, one will move mountains, so to speak ;-) However, how will you know if it's true love, if this is still early days? Only his actions will prove if he is worthy of you, or not. So if he is really worth it, then give him a chance and time will tell if you should be with him, or not, despite the other factors in his life. However, other thoughts to consider:
2) KIDS
Do you yourself want kids? You say you are not into kids much. Is it that you are not ready, or you never will be? Some people know early on they don't want kids. It is not something you can change, so if you are one of those that never wants kids, then move on, no matter how great the guy is, because you will resent the kids. They are innocent parties in their parents divorce and deserve nothing but kindness extended to them, and happiness to make them feel secure. If however, you just didn't want kids now, maybe later, well, this is the package you get with him. So perhaps try some change management concepts, and give them a try - ONLY IF HE IS WORTH IT. (I speak from experience here. I loved his kids, but he ended up being a liar and cheat, so my making sacrifices and treating his kids like my own was wrong in the long run because when we parted, I never saw them again)
You can still feel like he is all yours, even when there are kids. I was only dating my guy, yet I treated those kids like they were mine, and I put them first, even before him. It's a mothering instinct because they truly are innocent. They will be an additional blessing in your relationship, not a hindrance. They will enrich the time you two spend together - sharing a bond of children who see the world with fresh eyes. You may think they will take away from your private moments, but in effect you will seek quality time together exactly because of the times you spend with the kids around. You could be with a guy that has no kids, but who is into his Xbox, or whatever other activity you want to put here, and still feel ignored or that he is inattentive. Or you can have a guy that has kids, yet treats you like a princess, and makes quality time for you. Determine which type he is.
(Last note on kids: his will only be around every 3 weeks, which is plenty time for the two of you, if that was a factor) Oh yes, and their ages is also a factor - as to whether they will accept you, or whether that will be an impediment to your relationship. So a last thing to consider.
3) HIS EX
Good luck to you, but I hope his ex is reasonable. Dealing with a bitter, angry, spiteful bitchy ex is a nightmare, and one none of us should have to endure. I was an innocent party who came along after their divorce, only to be treated with the same contempt as him. I hated it. I hated the hold she had over him, as she restricted his time, she messed his plans, she changed plans with the kids to be spiteful to him, which ultimately would affect me and our relationship. So I vowed to myself when we broke up due to him turning out to be a liar and cheat (now I get why she was bitter) that I myself would never date a divorced guy with kids again. I just didn't need that baggage. I came to the relationship wanting to be married, say the vows for the first time, with someone equally excited, not a has been who has said the vows, been there, done that and is now just going through the motions. So find out why he divorced? was there cheating involved? Once a cheat.... etc. I would never want a hold of someone like an ex, over me ever again, but it totally depends on the guy in question. If he is genuine and honest, then ex from hell or not, I would put up with it, but not for a liar. So that is why I say, never mind the rest, is HE worth it?
4) REBOUND
"He is desperately trying to sell his house that he shared with his ex so that he can move on". How recent was the break up/divorce? If it's very recent - give it time before you do commit. He needs time to reflect, heal and move on. You don't want to be the rebound girl. A convenience to help him through his tough times. You want to be the girl that is his everything, who he truly wants to be with. Also, it does not take a house for him to move on. He needs to move on mentally, the house is merely a material possession with ties that bound them.
5) QUALITIES TO LOOK FOR IN A MAN
Just because he happens to be the one in your sight right now, does not make him Mr Right. He may be Mr Right Now. You need to decide as point 1, what have you always wanted in a man? What do YOU want. Then decide from there.
I hope some of the above has been helpful to you, as you say you have no experience with it, and I went through it myself. If he had been worth it in my case, I would have tolerated the ex, and I would have continued treating those kids as my own. Sadly, he was bad news and I consider myself lucky to have discovered it early on. After that experience, I set my standards high, and I waited YEARS before finally finding my Mr Right two years ago, who is everything I ever wanted. So never think your ship has gone by. Never settle for second best. Keep true to what you really want, and what you really deserve, not what is in front of you, unless it happens to be too good to be true.
Don't worry about the priority part - as I said, you can get single guys who don't give their girlfriends enough time, and you get married guys who don't make their wives a priority either. Give him a chance (if you do consider him to be your dream man) to show you if he treasures you or not. Having the kids every 3 weeks does not make you priority #3. You are his partner, his girlfriend, the one he can talk to, open his heart to, share his hopes and dreams with, whereas the relationship with his kids is about two little beings who he helped bring into the world and who he has a responsibility towards, but you will be special to him too. He will see you 3 all as equally important in his life, for various reasons, to fulfill various needs. They will never have the relationship with him, that you will have.
So all you need to do now is consider: is he my dream man? If you don't know yet because it's too early to tell, then give him a chance. If you don't want kids and believe you will resent his, then move on now before you get hurt down the line, or hurt him more than he has been hurt through the divorce. Also to protect those kids. The two of you can deal with the ex, depending how their divorce came about, and whether they are cordial or not. Hopefully they are, for the sake of the kids.
There you have it - I hope that helps you, and best of luck to you. I wish you HAPPINESS
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): My partner is a divorced man with 4 children. No you will never be this guys first priority, his children will always come first. And his ex will always be somewhere in the picture too. It is a package deal and if you already have misgivings and a problem accepting the package, then you are better off ending the relationship now before you are too involved and things get real messy, which they inevitably will. I would look for someone who isnt already a parent if I were you. That is the only way you will truly be someones first priority.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (28 May 2012):
I agree with what the others have said, you two are not right for each other. You say yourself you WOULD be, if it wasn't for his children- but they're not going to go anywhere, they're going to be a constant presence -as it should be- in his life. You see, I'm all for fighting for the person you could see yourself with, but you have to be smart enough to know when to give up the fight and surrender- this is one of those cases. If the issue was his worries, fears, some contingent situation, I'd suggest to give it a go not to have regrets, but you know from the start that his family is there to stay, so there's no meaning in waiting it out. I don't, on the other hand, think this makes you a selfish person. You know what you want, what you're willing to give and what you want to get in return- that makes you self aware, rather. Self centered, maybe, sure, but, still, would a self centered person be willing to make someone else their first priority, as you stated you'd do with him? I think you're not ready for a commitment {children} that you don't feel as yours and I don't see nothing wrong with that. You WOULD be selfish and irrational if you expected or even worse ordered him to drop his kids for you- being worried about the situation and thinking you may not be able to handle it is an entirely different matter. Look out for yourself and don't start something that you deep down know will only bring pain to everyone involved. Again, I'd suggest otherwise if the situation had been different, but as it is, I think that's your best bet. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 May 2012):
My advice is to leave. He's not the one for you, and never will be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): Move on. Your not the right woman for him, and he is not the right man for you. I am sorry but your a very selfish and self-centred woman from your post. you want a relationship where it is only about you and him, so you can be the only person he has to focus on. He has children so you will and rightly must come third on his list. They are not someone else's children, they are his children and they come first always, no exceptions. This man is not the man for you I am afraid, so move on and find someone who does not have children. I am sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to sound harsh, I am just being honest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): "I'm not into kids that much and I want to be in a relationship where it is about one another not kids who belong to someone else."
Then he's not the guy for you. His kids don't "belong to someone else," they're his kids. For life.
Breathtakingly selfish and presumptuous of you to expect he cease acting like a father for your convenience just so you can shack up with him behind his kids' backs without their existence intruding into your life.
"I think what really bothers me is that he would be my first priority and I would be his third."
You are absolutely correct, it is a fact of life that responsible parents ALWAYS put their children's interests first before their own, and that's not ever going to change, nor should it. Astonishing that you even think it's a possibility. What makes you so damned special?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): It is VERY hard being in any relationship like that. If you both have kids from previous, it is actually easier for the two adults (if not necessarily the kids). Like you, I want to be someone's priority in a relationship because I always make them my priority. It just can't happen like that in these situations. That doesn't, as some people would say, make you selfish.
Personally, I would steer clear. Good luck.
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