A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years - and much of our time is spent in domestic bliss - at home life is ideal. But until we are "engaged" she insists that our lives are kept separate - I have to go on holiday alone - go to parties alone - attend my family get togethers alone.I am not permitted to meet her friends - and have only met her daughter on a couple of occasions. Try as I might to integrate our lives she will not budge.I feel she is trying to obtain "engagement" by banging my head on concrete rather than making a path of happiness into the future. A slight feeling that the "marriage" is rather more important than the "who"
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you KRSMouse,
I am going on holiday over christmas at her suggestion - she will not accompany me because we are not "engaged". Her mothers ashes have been in the garage for three months - and in casual conversation she mentions that while I am away she has arranged a burial and small service.
I feel so angry and hurt that she felt no need to mention it to me - and that I will not be needed to give my love and support on that day.
This, I think, indicates that our lives are not integrating - I am to be merely a name on a marriage certificate.
This, to me,
A
female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (12 December 2010):
I think you need to explain to her that you don't feel comfortable with the idea of marrying her until you know her friends and family. Maybe she is afraid you won't like them?
Either way, make sure she knows that one day you would like to marry her, but you feel its important to bond with the important people in her life before you do this. Maybe if she realises her 'technique' won't get her anywhere, she will change her ways. Just be honest.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Ok, so I do see her point to an extent given your age..but marriage is not something to be rushed into and to be demanded from one person. It happens naturally and when you're both ready. Now is not the time for you. I believe that you need to stress that to her. You do have intentions of marrying her in the future, but as of right now you're just not ready. Also, stress that it's not fair for her to play the tit for tat game. If you love someone you want everyone to know about it, you want your friends and family to approve. See what she says, and if she still continues to be stubborn and hold her ground. Then like I said rethink exactly who you're thinking of proposing to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tennisstar, thank you for your reply - we are both towards the later end of life - and are together most weekends friday to monday - this gives us breathing space and time for me to work.
Lizbeth, she was in a twenty year relationship unmarried to a guy who upped and died not leaving her a bean so I can understand her situation - but that does not help me!!
For the future - yes,I would see us slowly moving into marriage but the path should be one of merging together, rather than a shotgun situation as is at present.
Domestically and sexually we are perfect - I could not imagine a better partner - but being bludgeoned, pressurised, blackmailed into a future fills me with dread.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 December 2010):
How old are you guys? Do you get to spend any time with her at all?
If she wants you to be her fiance you would think she would be introducing you to her friends and family so they can tell her their opinion. I also don't get why you have to tend parties, and vacations alone. Seems rather stupid. I would say you're right she's trying to get a ring and a proposal out of you. In which, that's the absolute wrong way to do it. She's doing "tit for tat"..You can't meet such and such or go to these places with me, until you propose. It's almost like a punishment. How ridiculous. I'd really rethink this relationship, because if she's dictating the relationship like this now, wait till you're married!
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A
female
reader, LizBeth +, writes (11 December 2010):
Maybe she views marriage as being the "real" commitment. I'm not saying you aren't committed to her, just that maybe her version of a completely committed relationship is marriage.
You mention that she has a daughter. This leads me to believe that she has had at least one prior relationship. How did it end? (If you know.) Maybe she's afraid that you're going to become involved in her life and it will hurt more when you leave her. By blocking you from things, she's preventing deeper involvement.
What do YOU see as the way to make a path of happiness into the future? Do you see it with her?
I think some of her behavior is quite odd, by the way. I would want my friends and family to meet my significant other. Seeing those interactions is very helpful. And I do not understand at all why she would send you off to parties and holidays alone!
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