A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Questions I haveIm in a serious relationship I love my gf to bits. But I see problems before there coming and she cant seam to see them .My trouble is that her sis lives next door and her mum live 30 seconds away.I think its nice in a way to be honest but there very controlling over her and I bite my tongue every time there nasty to her and I don’t think I can keep my mouth shut any more it pains me to see the way they treat her..My trouble is that I want to move in with her with my son as she lives over 200 miles away .She asked me.But to be honest I think I will have a problem with the constant interference and how they treat her.My son always has to come first im a single parent and why shouldn’t I be happy.To say I love this lady is a understatement we where born to be with each other and all the trails that we have been thought in such a short time strengthens us to say the least.We have talked about marriage and it’s a yes also.I couldn’t see my life with out her to be honest.But I have asked her to move a little bit away from it and she says she likes it how it is even if I don’t but I am prepared to leave my friends and family and leave every thing to be with her and I cant understand how she ant willing to make a gesture of moving 5 mins away ?I mean if she loved me would she do this or ant she ready to make such a commitment ?Or am I asking too much ?Thanks in advance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 You're posting a series of very good question, sir.
First, I would like to say that I agree with you. Your son comes before you, yes, but not all the time. Maybe it will sound inappropriate to say this, but I have found that a trait of a good father is that he has a life of his own. Some day, the child will leave the nest, and the father will need to have a plan for himself. Parents who don't do this can become severe dictators of their children. They might try to get the children not to leave. Since this is your only son, and you're close to 40, already, I don't think you'll be having many more children, and this is a risk for you. In short, you need to take care of your needs, also, so you won't try to keep your child on a leash later, when you're feeling alone. You don't want to ask your child to stay with you forever because of the huge "sacrifice" you did for him.
I suppose your girlfriend gets along well with your child. This is another issue you need to have very well dealt with before you move in with her.
Your girlfriend does love you, but she's used to living with her mother and her sister. When a person is under the control of another, s/he becomes used to that control and sometimes can't even think of going anywhere. A close relationship to the family may have real advantages, and she may not see the need to lose that. But you two would be creating a new home, and you need space for yourselves. This, I suppose the mother, but specially the sister, will understand.
I believe in speaking directly. Why don't you tell your girlfriend exactly this, that you need a home for yourself, a place where you two can interact freely? It shouldn't be difficult for her to understand.
Why not go halfway? You can move and are willing to; she might accept moving somewhere else, too, perhaps not that far from her family.
Where I live, this is a common problem, and what usually happens is that couples eventually move out. The party who wanted to stay in the family home "because of the advantages" gets to understand that a family needs a home of its own. It takes time and some tug-of-war, but it usually happens. Do you think this could happen to you?
If she won't leave her family, and you have a serious problem with them, perhaps you can move into her town, and continue to live in a separate home. That is, maintain the relationship, even improve it because it won't be long distance anymore, but avoid the problem of living with the family. Eventually your girl might understand.
I don't think you're asking too much.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 I think pre-marriage counseling would be in order. It's pretty obvious that her family has a lot of control over her and she needs to recognize that she needs to cleave onto you and your family unit in order to make it work, if you are both thinking long term and marriage. Obviously, your son comes first, but if she comes second, you need to straighten all of this out before you move your child. Don't give up on everything before you have both talked it out with guidance. If you are affiliated with a church group, they would have marriage classes too. Best of Luck and Take Care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): You sound like a really wonderful guy who is putting together the "ready-made" family. Think about you and your son first. I don't really have any great advice for you. At one time, I lived 45 minutes away from my mother and approximately 15 minutes away from my daughter. We each had our own lives, but it was nice to be close to them. Three months ago, I moved four hours away from my all of my family and friends to be with a man that I love. What can I say? I still love him, but I think I made a very bad mistake by moving. I'm unhappy and I'm making my many unhappy. We both suffer.
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