A
male
age
41-50,
*toney316
writes:Me and my wife split up over 2 years ago. I quickly found someone new and we have been living together for over a year. My ex has always let me see my daughters every other weekend and they have been allowed to sleep over at weekends and during school holidays. I stupidly set up a facebook account for one of my daughters and my ex found out and went mental and has now stopped the girls from sleeping over cause she says i am an iresponsable father.She has said i can see them in the daytime. I am not sure what i can do
View related questions:
facebook, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (14 July 2011):
 OP, if you have tried to settle with your ex wife and she is still violating the terms of the custody, it is time to seek counsel, as another poster said. She can't bend the law at her whim. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get to see your children. I cannot stress enough how utterly unfair this is to you. Next time, just make sure to communicate such things with your ex. Good luck and don't be pushed around!
A
female
reader, bdiehl2001 +, writes (13 July 2011):
 I'm wondering did she stop the overnight visits after you stopped giving her extra the money for support or did you start giving her less child support after she stopped the over night visits?
I know you said you've apologized many times, have you talked about her issues with it and explained your views on it. Perhaps maybe even offering the two of you to go over the settings together, or if nothing else closing the FB account & letting her see that it is closed. These are all things you could perhaps trying to do to help resolve the situation. Let her know you would like try to & be reasonable & let her know too that if the two of you can't work it out together then she gives you no other choice then to take it back to court. If that is the way you choose to go.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 July 2011):
 You need a lawyer.
Because you docked your child support payments at the same time your visitations were limited, it may come across that you are punishing your exwife or she is punishing you for the drop in financial support.
Be prepared to show statements regarding what you are required to pay and what you actually pay. You have to proove it.
Demand your rights as a parent. Your lawyer will help you figure out the best approach to use state law to get to her honor the visitation agreement.
Chances are, the lawyer will draw up a letter, reiterating the law, the settlement, and what you are entitled to. It can also state the consequences for non-compliance; possibly a court date or even police escort to ensure you get your visitation.
Driving an hour for a visit for the day is unreasonable.
Not allowing them to sleepover is unreasonable.
Does your GF live with you? Is that news to the exwife? Perhaps she is upset that there is a "Mom" figure living with you and she feels threatened by that?
Anyway, get the lawyer.
...............................
A
male
reader, Stoney316 +, writes (13 July 2011):
Stoney316 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your support and advice.
I have appoligised many times and have docked some of my child support payments.
According to the payments I have been paying over for at least a year and i have not minded, cause it for my girls, but I have cut the payments down to what the law says I should pay.
I have seen my daughters since and me and my GF have drove the hour there and hour back to see them.
My Ex says they can come to my house but not stop over. Thats what I dont get. I am responsable to have them during the day but not over night.
I had them during the holidays and once they wanted to stop an extra night. I ran my ex up and she went mental cause i asked.
I just want my daughters back
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): ...........therefore I say an amicable end to this: TALK about it. The FB issue is going to be but one of many issues when it comes to parenting.10 year old exposed to FB.......what next? loaded gun to practice????? parenting is not easy everyone.i agree with YouWish and the "docking" of parenting visitation but i still believe this can be settled without bringing in the legal eagles.both hb and wife are not "wrong" in their parenting methods. but one has erred and HE needs to make this situation right. a simple apology and effective co -parenting.........kids are quick to pick up on issues bet parents. and they can milk it for everything its worth, even little 10 year olds..........as i said before if the good standing OP wants to haul her a*s to court then do it, and give us feedback but next time he wants to appear as the cool dude dad, stop and think about your actions..........parenting is hard, hard work - wait until the kids become teenagers.........LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 July 2011):
 The wife cannot amend the divorce agreement. If he has weekends, she can't place a restriction stating that he can only be seen in the daytime. He is allowed to have her sleep over for the full amount of time the courts have given to him.
If you were to turn it around, and she (the ex) were to make a parenting decision that the OP didn't agree with, would he be allowed to amend his child support? What if the ex allowed the child to get a belly button ring (heh..this is totally hypothetical!), could the OP say "I don't want my money being spent on this" and dock the child support?
The ex-wife is "docking" the visitation rights. You simply cannot do that. It's as wrong as "docking" child support. LoveGirl is correct in suggesting an amicable meeting to try and straighten it out before the courts are involved, but make no mistake. The ex limiting his visit because she believes his decision with his daughter is "irresponsible" is no grounds to lay a finger on his parental rights.
I would feel different if the ex-husband were exposing the daughter to drugs, alcoholism, neglect and abuse. But he is an obviously loving father who wanted his daughter to play Farmville. How does that justify a docking in parental rights? It doesn't. The act of docking in this case is a moral and ethical violation.
And what is the ex going to tell her daughter when she wants to sleep over at daddy's? Is she going to tell her that daddy is irresponsible? What explanation would be given? The withholding is more dangerous than a Facebook page ever will be.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Ooooppps forgot to add: getting rid of FB took the then 15 year old almost failing school grades (40%) to the mid 70%. So that decision to get rid of FB activities helped her pass her exams . Extreme parenting? I don't think so, just effective to get her priorities right .
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): "...(especially the person who crucified her fifteen year old for a Facebook account. Ridiculous! Come on...) "Different parenting skills dear Aunt, different parenting skills.Seems the women on DC are more liberated(??) Than ever.You just don't get it do you. When trust is broken there are repercussions it was a "family decision taken (if u read properly)....To each his/her own....I said this before and I am saying this now : the OP and his wife can work this out without lawyers. It is called effective, mature parenting which hits snags every now and then. Perhaps others should try it because it does help with our dysfunctional society: effective COMMUNICATION everyone, is KEY.OK, OP, seems like the majority want you to haul her a*s to court, then do and give us feedback....LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (13 July 2011):
We live in a digital age, people. I've seen eight year olds with cell phones. Sure, I don't agree with it, but we can't deny that we live in an era of technology. Computers are in the schools and your kids are on them as soon as they can read, whether you like it or not. I don't think a 10 year old having a facebook to talk to her friends and plow a virtual farm is anything to hoot and holler about. I totally disagree with those who are telling you that you are being irresponsible (especially the person who crucified her fifteen year old for a Facebook account. Ridiculous! Come on...) You set it up and with an email of your own, to boot. I'm sure you set the privacy settings and had intentions to check up on your daughter. If you don't communicate with your kids and just deny them everything, they will go behind your back, rebel, and behave badly. If you have an open line of communication with a set of explained rules and expectations, you're bound to have a better relationship. End of story. You did nothing wrong.Take your ex to court. She can't deny you your visitation rights. You are legally bound to adhere to the negotiation put in place by the courts. She has no right to break that...especially over something so stupid.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): his wife did not stop him from seeing his kids.........she was afraid of them sleeping over beacuse of his irresponsibility. BIG difference!!!!!his wife was blowing off steam.....which mother wouldn't????But then, to each his/her own, as YouWish said, different parenting preferences.there are 2 Major issues here:the FB onethe legal right to uphold the divorce decreeStoney if you take your wife to court then what are you telling your kids. have you not heard of the word "amicably"i frimly believe that open and honest communication with your wife, after the anger/frustration is the key but if you want to go to court again, as all have suggested.... then do. Then from a amicable existence you and the missus would be at loggerheads. your wife does not seem unreasonable!!!...just think about it...LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 July 2011):
I hear what LoveGirl is saying, however disagreeing with the father about having a Facebook account is not grounds to cut him off from his daughter. Period.
Stoney, your divorce papers spell out your parental rights. She cannot deny you those rights unless she can prove child abuse or neglect. You have neither abused nor neglected her. Opening a Facebook account at the age of 10 isn't advisable since Facebook's own rules require that a child be 13 years old. However, that still isn't grounds to deny your rights as a father.
Denying a father access to their child is far more abusive than having a Facebook page. The child needs her father in her life. So he had her open a Facebook page. LoveGirl's kid was 15 when she was "caught". This is a matter of parental preference, not a matter of abuse. Some parents freak out if their kid watches a rated R movie or listens to rock music. That is personal parenting preference, and individual levels of strictness are to be respected. But none of those are grounds for denying parental rights.
YES, take her to court. She's violating the terms of the divorce agreement. Don't let your daughter be cut off from you. That hurts her far more than playing Farmville would.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): I stand by my earlier advise that u were totally irresponsible - a 10 year old with a FB account? Is that responsible parenting?Sure u wanted to appear cool and with it by allowing her but come on: whether she just wanted to chat friendly or play games : FB is FB!!Instead of being pissed at your wife, why not take a step back and see the error of your ways and apologise. YES apologise for not being responsible.Thus far u have remained cordial with your wife _she has been good to you and u repay her by this? So yes almost every Aunt has advised u to take your wife to court WHY? Bec she is a concerned mother and she wants to protect her kid???You try to "befriend" your 10 year old by getting her a FB account!!! I repeat Yes u may want to appear like a good father, with it and cool.Instead of going to court how about you admitting your wrong to your wife and then BOTH of u sit your 10 year old and tell her she is too young for FB activities!!!At least your wife is trying to protect the kids. You have read about the cyber crap going on from the Aunts who have experienced it with their kids. Its a bloody nightmare!!!BTW: when my daughter was 15 she was "caught" having a FB account. We laid down the law and whether she liked it , she was made to close it/ delete her account. Trust was broken and she had to earn that trust again bec we had all made a previous family decision not to have a FB account (not even my hb and myself. The decision was that the kids could be on FB when they got older)Parenting: bloody hard work. It makes it worse when 1 parent tries to outshine another and be "cool". There is nothing cool about the devastation of social networks. We have all read about it, seen it happen to others and also have it happen to us.Let's try to let our kids be kids for a little longer. Then then can play adults for the rest of their lives.....Hopefully this will not be blocked bec I think our OP also needs a balanced perspective and not only where the Aunts condone/pardon him.OP you need to start communicating with your wife. NOW! Cut the legal crap ( I work in the legal industry, its a bloody HellProper communication and effective communication. Regarding the kids welbeing is of utmost priority.I know my stance on this matter will not sit well with a lot of Aunts but we are all different and we Have a different perspective on things.LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, Stoney316 +, writes (12 July 2011):
Stoney316 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.
1. My daughter is 10.
2. The FB account was set up on my pc, with my second email address so I could monitor everything that was put on.
3. My daughter only wanted it to talk to friends and play farmville and other games
4. My divorce papers state that I have joint custody of my girls and have them every other weekend and over holidays
Should i take her to court
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): You should really have discussed it with your ex before putting your daughter online. There are some horrendous risks to young children in cyberspace and exposing her to the net without a word to her mother first was a bit silly of you. I wouldn't rush off to court just yet, besides anything else a judge might actually agree with your ex! Maybe just close the account for now, until you and your ex can agree on some usage terms for your daughter...who's age you don't mention by the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 July 2011):
 How old is your daughter?
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 July 2011):
Take her straight to court if you have to. You've done precisely nothing wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (11 July 2011):
I think she is being mental and she can't deny you visitation if it has been legally bound.
Make sure you've set your daughter's Facebook privacy setting and such accordingly, as others have said. As long as you stay on top of it and have access to the account, it's harmless.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (11 July 2011):
My daughter's Father gave perms for our daughter to have a FB page when she was 12. I was not too thrilled with it, but I finally consented with a few conditions.
*Privacy Settings are FB only.
*We both have access to the account and get to supervise what info goes on there.
*NO FB games (horrible buggy things!)
We discussed safety on the net and what was ok and not ok to share.
Even with ALL those precautions, my daughter was a victim of cyberbulling and was physicaly attacked one day at school. I asked my daughter to leave FB alone for a few months. She just started picking it up again.
You both have parental rights, but yours are being violated. If you have court papers stating the visitation schedule-go back to court and fight for visitation. If gaining visitation is as simple as shutting down the FB, discuss the option. No one needs FB, but your daughter certainly needs her Daddy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): Set all the girl's Face privacy settings to friends only, and tell her its so she keeps in contact with friends and family and you will be monitoring her and her mother can monitor her too. Go to a lawyer, you have not done something wrong, unless you left all her settings on public and you are not monitoring her. See a lawyer asap.
...............................
A
female
reader, buterkup2 +, writes (11 July 2011):
How old is your daughter?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 July 2011):
What are your legal rights as a father? What rules of custody have been laid out and agreed upon? If the judge has allowed you weekend visits, your ex cannot stop them.
Parenting differences are to be sat down and discussed. She can't arbitrarily deny you rights as the dad because she doesn't agree with your daughter having Facebook. Plain and simple.
Be direct and tell her that she better reverse her decision, or you will take some legal steps to enforce your parental rights. She wouldn't like it if you cut off child support because you didn't like something she did.
...............................
|
