A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with this girl for 1.5 years now. We are both in our forties. She has had many many relationships in the past. I discovered that she falls in love very quickly (like she did with me) and she started many of her relationships while still in a relationship. I've talked to her about it and she says she cant change the past and that she is in love with me and wants to get married. It feels to me that she is always encouraging other guys to hit on her not directly. I don't know how she does it. Is it the camel toe she is sporting all the time? She likes to be close to male friends that I know they have a thing for her. I have been hesitant asking her to marry me because I don't know if she will be loyal to me. I have strong feelings for her but I dont want to go through another divorce. Am I just paranoid? Or making too much out of it?
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female
reader, Carmy +, writes (26 February 2011):
Ummm... Run
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): She habitually starts new relationships before quitting the old ones = she is not spouse material.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I think you might exagerating a few things...and having said that, if you are bothered by some of her actions-respectfully talk to her and find good compromises. If you're unsure about this woman, don't go for marriage just yet. In my opinion, marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. These days, it can't be taken lightly because divorces are expensive and if children are involved...take it from a child of divorced parents-we're immensely and negatively affected. You've only been together a year and 5 months. Get to know each other more! I don't see the rush...whats another year?
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I think since you are a divorcee you might be a little paranoid about the whole marriage situation. Make sure you think it through before you decide to marry her or not, don't let your insecurities get in the way.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (22 November 2010):
 How can you encourage men to hit on you non-directly? Must be some secret, do share. How about she's a fetching woman and can't help that men hit on her? This camel toe that she sports, how in the world can you not know your pants are wedged in your crotch? If that bothers you then, I'd point it out to her.
Females and males are perfectly capable of carrying on a strictly platonic relationship...if not then do you think she would be suggesting marriage with you?
I believe you're getting paranoid over nothing..but if you don't feel she's marriage material because of these apparent factors then don't ask her to marry you. You doubt her quite a bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Some might wonder, if you have to ask, and if you already have all these doubts, then maybe you are not marriage material either until you have more confidence in yourself and in your decision making?
However i think you are right to be cautious, in the circumstances.
You have been divorced before, and that hurts financially. I never realised how badly divorce can ruin things financially until a guy sitting next to me on a plane poured out his woes to me.
This poor guy was on his way to the wedding of his eldest son. He went from financially solid with a lovely home he owned and business interests, to 4 marriages and 4 children later he is now separated from Mrs number 4, is still paying child support for the youngest child, now rents a run down appartment, has some savings, some of which he has squirreled so Mrs number 4 can't find it, and is now in worse financial shape than he was 40 years earlier. And then he dropped the bombshell that he is considering eye surgery to look younger and on the lookout for a rich young widow to marry to make sure his old age is more comfortable. So divorce sure is a killer on finances.
Some women are born flirts and often they just enjoy the attention and it means little to them. But people who flirt a lot play a numbers game, and enjoy (often unconciously) attracting so many potential partners. The law of averages means that eventually they are going to meet someone they are very strongly attracted to, and find irresistable.
Or they meet someone who is in a far better financial position to them. That can also be very irresistable for someone wanting to improve their lot in life.
I would pay more attention to the fact that she has, in the past, moved on to the next relationship while still in the former relationship. Just that should set off alarm bells.
In the circumstances you are right to hesitate and be cautious.
Presumably she was in love with the earlier guy each time, before finding the next guy. And fingding the next one more irresistable?
And she has her sights on marrying you, and you are considering it too. I expects that represents a plus for her? Seeing as some of her previous partners were not interested in marriage?
And i am going to also guess that you are in better financial shape (bfs) than her, and bfs than her previous guy?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Hi,
Ask yourself one question, really really honestly and take your time over it because it may help you decide.
Would your life continue to have meaning if your woman wasn't part of it any longer?
1. If the answer is no, then why are you asking yourself all these questions about "marriage material?"
2. If your answer is Yes, then you have your answer.
No one can answer your doubts better than yourself.
Lucy
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Are you the guy whose girlfriend took another man with her when she went on a business trip (to babysit her daughter)? Sorry if I’m confusing you with someone else.
Your girlfriend probably has low self esteem… that’s why she needs constant reassurance from other guys that she is still desirable. Unfortunately, marriage will not stop this behavior. This can cause serious problems in a relationship. Her behavior encourages other men to express their interest in her. What happens if she finds herself attracted to one of these men? Do you think she would have enough self control to stay faithful?
If you have the slightest suspicion that this woman could cheat on you in the future… you would have to be crazy to marry her! Why would you gamble with your own happiness? People who have healthy relationships are not the ones who are worrying that their partner will cheat.
What do you think you will end up doing? I think you already know what you should do… you just haven’t gathered the strength to do it. What are your thoughts?
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (22 November 2010):
1.5 years together I think you already know if she is wife material, and the answer to that is yes. It sounds like you are insecure about her past, and also scared of getting hurt. If she has been a good girlfriend so far then that is evidence itself of how she will make as a wife. It sounds like you almost don't want to believe that she is the real deal, you bring up her past, trying to somehow change it but this is only going to cause a distance between you. You need to get over these worries that you have and if your girlfriend is able to give you the reassurance you need then I bet it won't bother you that she has male friends.
Just my opinion but better to have an attractive partner and sometimes get some unwanted attention than have an unattractive wife that nobody ever even notices.
Accept her for who she is and move on from your past. You both deserve this so if everything else is right in your relationship then go for it!
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