A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I recently lost my virginity to my gay boyfriend. It was quite an awkward experience... It lasted for around 3 hours and I didn't get aroused much, because we spent all night drinking coffee and cola and watching movies. So I hope that he doesn't think I'm not attracted to him. Anyways I am his first boyfriend/date/kiss. But as we were getting dressed he asked me if I wanted to introduce another person to have sex with. So does that mean he wants to see other people? He's not attracted to me? I really don't want to lose him because I really like him, but I don't want to feel like I'm needy by denying him this. What should I say to him if he asks it again? I'm scared he'll go off with this person and leave me if we have group sex because the chances are that he will find someone from his school (we don't go to the same school and I normally get to see him once a fortnight) So do you think my boyfriend isn't that into me because he wants a threesome?Sorry this is an awkward question :l
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your help!
All is well now between me and him. He's invited me out to restaurant tomorrow and then we'll watch a movie. ?
Turns I left my phone at his, so he'll give me that back tomorrow and we can call each other more often. I spoke to him for nearly 2 hours on Facebook Chat today as well.
Thanks again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): In alot of relationships threesomes are often brought up in conversation.
If you are not comfortable with having a threesome then dont feel like you need to change your values to please the other person. Love is about respect and if he cant respect your decision then you are alot better off finding out now.
This is probably just a fantasy and fantasy's are usually better off staying that way if you are in a relationship as it will probably come between you.
A word of wisdom to you.. Never do something you dont want to do just to please someone else. be yourself and be proud of who you are and never settle for anything less than the standards you require, your better than that :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Yes I do care about you. I'm sorry you live somewhere that's difficult to get advice, so I'm sending you these links to take a look at, so lets keep our fingers crossed, that if they can't help you directly, they can point you in the right direction.
http://www.bgiok.org.uk/ (Being gay is ok, is what it stands for)
http://www.youth2youth.co.uk They have an online facility, so give it a go.
I know it's only two, but it is a start for you, and I don't want you to feel alone. If only you get to talk about all this, I'm sure you will get through.
Let me know how you get on..
Take care.
Jilly x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Jilly for caring so much about me ?
It would be hard to find a Gay Organization for me because I live in the North, there are only a few villages scattered around, and Reykjavík is quite far away, but I will try to find some online organizations to talk to. Hopefully things will work out, fingers crossed.
Thanks again for helping me
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): I'm feeling a little concerned about you, you are very young, and as you say, your family do not now you are Gay, so you feel isolated and unable to share with them your feelings, and on top of all that, the boyfriend you feel a lot for is also someone who suffers from depression, and problems too, as you've explained before.
This is what is really worrying me, and in honesty, I don't feel DC is really the forum/place to deal with such a sensitive situation. You really NEED to seek some outside support, a counsellor who will sit face to face with you and talk through the various issues that are affecting you.
As I don't know anything about Iceland, the flag that is being shown for your destination, I have no idea what the options are for you, perhaps you need to look into this.
Two people with issues makes it very difficult to have open dialogue, there is of course trust issues, and for you, not having been able to open up to your family. Would they really be so against it or you if they knew, only you know the answer to that, as I don't know them. All I know, I feel somewhat concerned with your last reply as you indicate feeling a bit powerless, and you're so young to carry all this alone.
It is impossible to deal with this on a few lines on DC, it isn't just a simple ask and reply, black and white answer.
I would never tell anyone I hardly knew anything about what to do with regards to ending a relationship, that is never the responsibility of someone else. So I urge you to please see if you can find some youth or Gay organisation that might be able to see and advise you further. Perhaps see your general medical doctor and explain, only you must start talking to someone, this burying all your problems and the fact your Gay from becoming known, will affect you emotionally. And although I can be very direct in some situations, I feel terribly worried for you, as you just 16, and my mother instincts are surfacing and I want to help you, but I know I can't from here.
Try not to upset yourself or panic too much yet, that your bf hasn't contacted you - be patient, and when he does, explain everything as you have to me, tell him, you would like more open communication and take it from there..but, please, please in the mean time see if you can find the help you need, so you TALK about all this.
Please take care.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo do you think I should break up with him? I'm feeling really depressed already because I can't console this with friends and family that much because I'm still in the closet and I have to pretend I'm feeling happy. I don't want to be heart broken, because I actually like though and I could imagine us spending a long time together, but I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): You never mentioned this before. That he WON'T respond to you, sometimes up to a week until he does. If that is what he's doing, and he knows YOU are trying to contact him through facebook and he's logging in, and just ignoring you UNTIL it suits him, then I'm afraid this is ' CONTROL ' tactics.
He only contacts you, or responds WHEN he wants, NOT when you want. Not a good sign, that is honest, it's not meant to be harsh, just a fact. I'm sorry to say, if you've lost your phone, and his number, then there is nothing you can do until he's ready to have contact with you.
For me, I would want a relationship, sexual or not, with anyone who controlled when he communicated with me, communication must be free flowing, and people who ignore those who they are supposed to be in a relationship with, are NOT usually good prospects for anything meaningful.
YOU must be the one to decide though, what your next move is.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan someone please give me some more advice? I'm having a hard time getting hold of him, I can't call/text him because I've lost my phone (typical of me)... and he won't respond to me on Facebook? This happens quite a lot where I won't get a response till up to a week... how do I confront him about this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): You have an emotional connection of intimacy with him. What concerns me is his desire to make it about sex at this point. What I mean is... that he is clearly not interested in a one on one, but an exploration. If you have feelings for him, you may want to reconsider being a part of someone's 'exploration'. You are young so you must take care not to do things that will break your heart. Having a heart is a wonderful thing, but it is something so treasured that we must be mindful not to do things that will damage us from having/living truly fulfilling lives.
Does he love you? If it were me... in your shoes... I'd process it emotionally as if he did not love me or respect me.... it would be clearly placing this relationship as not a one on one... and I'd run.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): To the ORIGINAL poster of the question. Thank you for giving such enlightening feedback! This has explained far more than your initial posting, and certain aspects of your partners life, that had not been made known before.
You say: He doesn't have a lot of friends, he's depressed, his best friend left him, and I think something really bad happened to his brother (I'm not sure, it's a touchy subject so I don't ask) SO YES, this is so informative to those reading your post.
So by the sounds of your second posting, you are the one who's quite confident, more assured for your age, than your boyfriend. He obviously has some emotional demons, albeit he's so young, his experiences so far seem not to have been so kind to him. And you say he's suffering with depression, which could be a rather sensitive area for him to open and trust again. I'm sure you will be a good friend, and be supportive. If you feel he's seriously depressed try to encourage him to seek some outside help, but whatever, as you appear to be really keen on him, just be there for him.
As for trying to see him more - YES why not, if you're free weekends why not see him then, build up your relationship, and take the time to get to know each other, you don't have to have sex every time you meet to prove you care, just being there and being close, being loving towards each other can do a lot to build trust too.
Not sure what you mean in TIME wise for two bus rides, but that shouldn't stop you seeing as much as you can of each other - you could take it in turns each weekend to spend some time together. My present partner lives TWO hours away, but it doesn't stop us meeting at weekends, we both make the effort.
Once again thank you for the feedback, I really wish you well, especially as this is your first relationship..Good luck!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 if you were both virgins and the this was the very first time having sex, than I'm a little puzzled on why the topic of a threesome. I think you two just had sex for the hell of it with no emotions or connection. If your going to be having casual sex than please protect yourself and always wear a condom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is my age, in fact it was his 16th birthday that he asked me to sleep over at his house and we watched lots of horror movies and cuddled and talks for hours. We just started making out for an hour or so and things led on from there.
I think it was his first time kissing because the first time we kissed he didn't know what to do so I was the one who had to guide him and assure him everything was OK.
He is a really nice person and we did talk for a while after we finished and he asked me if I was OK and he took care of me. He is a good person and I don't think he's a "slime ball" he just has a hard time in social situations. He doesn't have a lot of friends, he's depressed, his best friend left him, and I think something really bad happened to his brother (I'm not sure, it's a touchy subject so I don't ask)I think I am his first boyfriend and kiss, because I highly doubt a teenage boy would lie about that. We've been dating for 3 months, but I haven't seen him that much (less than 10 times)
It's just I see him so little because I have to take 2 buses to get to his house, I only see him every 2 or 3 weeks, I really wish I could see him every day. I think it's too early to say we love each other yet, we're only teenagers who have known each other for a couple of months to be fair, but it's safe to say that I really, really like him and I love being in his company, I hope it's the same for him.
Do you think I should make more of an effort to see him every weekend? Just for simple romantic things like movies, eating out, cuddling, just to enjoy being around each other, doesn't mean sex.
He makes me feel more confident about my sexuality, if things go well for a while with this guy I might even have the confidence to come out to my family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): You don't say how long you have been dating, or in a relationship with this boyfriend of yours, although to be perfectly honest from reading your post, I wonder IF he is your boyfriend, or just a guy who YOU are keen on, but he's just into casual sex.
Everything you have said indicates the latter - there is not talk of being in love, or HIM really attentive and tender with you. " I recently lost my virginity to my gay boyfriend. It was quite an awkward experience... It lasted for around 3 hours and I didn't get aroused much, because we spent all night drinking coffee and cola and watching movies. " Is NOT exactly the most attentive and loving way one can lose their virginity for.
Whether it's a gay or heterosexual relationship, is irrelevant here, as losing ones virginity should demand the same tenderness,special feelings and being IN A RELATIONSHIP.
This guys sounds like he was going through the motions to enjoy having your virginity, but soon afterwards saw you as just another body, as NO boyfriend who had just taken his partners/lovers virginity would be that cold and clinical to be talking of threesomes.
I don't know about slowing down as one reply suggests here, which is just unbelievable, you are 16-17 which is a tender age, both emotionally and physically and IF you're going to be sexually active, then you need to be in a proper relationship, and not having casual sex to PROVE your not needy OR trying to keep hold of anyone.
I'm sorry, but he does not sound like he's seeking a one-to-one relationship - and as for you being HIS first boyfriend/kiss, I very much doubt that - he is too keen to bring others into your liaison.
You know there is nothing wrong with NEEDING someone you want to be with, to be exclusive with, it is normal, and emotionally healthy, so if you want an exclusive sexual relationship with one partner, then say, don't be manipulated or controlled out of fear of losing someone.
No one, gay or otherwise stays with a person who they can manipulate,control, who will have sex with others on their say so - I only hope you talk about all this to him, and if he cant or doesn't want an exclusive loving relationship, don't end up being a ' people pleaser ' you will lose yourself along the way, and end up feeling very insecure.
Please take precautions ( condoms ) with this boy ( I do wonder if he's the same age you, or older) losing your virginity is enough for now, you don't want to risk your health!
Please take care.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (22 November 2010):
I really think that if your boyfriend was all into you he would have a little more respect for you. You lost your virginity to him and as far as I know people normally do this with the person that they love and therefore I feel that your boyfriend is being selfish about your feelings and is only thinking on himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): If you're not comfortable with the idea i suggest you let him know. Do not do anything you're not comfortable with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Theres nothing wrong or needy in wanting to be in an exclusive relationship. Its what most of us want and perfectly normal. So if thats what you are looking for, tell him. And if he has any respect for you he will understand and respect that decision. Dont do things you arent happy with just to keep someone else happy. It never works, so stay true to yourself.
Some see sex as an activity. While others dont even like to view it as sex. They prefer to think of it as making love with a chosen, exclusive partner.
If your boyfriend sees sex as the former, while you think of it as the latter. It might be wise to have a proper talk to him about it. You could have a difficult decision to make if you both want different things.
And i dont think hes asking because you arent good enough. Though his timing is off, asking you about it straight after your first time together. It shows hes putting his 'needs' way above your feelings. Which is a worrying sign.
Hes asking because he gets turned on by the thought of having sex with more than one partner at the same time. Thats his interest, not a reflection on you. So if thats not your cup of tea, thats cool, just tell him so.
And please be safe and sensible. You already know hes interested in sleeping with others. So always insist you both use protection every time. Its better to be safe than sorry.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Threesomes are serious bussiness and can be very damaging to relationships and the singular people who engage in them. I also think you both are a bit too young and too new to sex and relationships to go for something like that. Because I don't know your bf, I'll try and give him the benefit of doubt. Perhaps he noticed your lack of reaction and thought, "Uh-ho! I bore him! I should try and spice things up!" Or maybe, he just feels like you're a person he wants to act out this fantasy with (though asking so soon is bad timing). I suggest you talk to him about this, ask him why he wants a threesome. Also, if it comes up, explain why you weren't so responsive. But please, don't let him talk you into anything you don't want-you deserve more than that. He may not be a bad guy but teen boy + crazy hormones = abnormal behavior. In the heat of a moment, we can say/ask crazy things and not realize it until later. Denying him this fantasy should be no big deal, if he really cares for you, he'll shrug it off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Don't do it! You've only just lost your virginity with him. He seems a slime ball and hasn't got a clue about relationships. I'm afraid it sounds very much like he's just in it for sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Hi,
Okay let me point you in the direction of a mirror here.
See that guy? He's funny, attractive, special and worthy of so much more than a lover, virgin or not, who doesn't pay attention to his sexual needs and immediately wants a threesome in the relationship.
Now, as Greg Behrendt would say "Don't waste the pretty."
Tough as you may think this is, go out there and find yourself someone who is totally into you and really can't bear the idea of sharing you because you are so special.
Lucy
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female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I think he needs to slow down a bit!!! You have only just lost your virginity (and i assume that by the fact that you are his first bf/date/kiss that he has just lost his too) i think you need to spend some time exploring each other sexually before getting a third person involved.
It may seem scary, but if you're not comfortable with it, then you need to tell him. If he cares for you, he will listen and take on board what you are saying to him. Honesty is the best policy! Best of luck
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