A
male
age
41-50,
*acobl
writes:My girlfriend (ily) broke up with me last week because I finally leveled with her about sexual relationships I had when she and I weren’t together. One of which occurred before ily and I had ever met. When we first began dating she heard I had a fling with a less than desirable waitress. I avoided answering, or lied, for 2.5 years about the regrettable fling. The other situation occurred about a year ago after she left me for her ex, whom she thought was the love of her life. I thought she was gone forever. I was weak and tried to move on myself. After about 2 months ily returned and told me what had happened and that she had slept with her ex. I forgave her. I asked if I had done the same to her would she offer me the same grace and forgiveness. She said no. So I didn’t tell her until last week that I also slept with someone while we were apart, another regrettable fling. I avoided the truth/lied about these situations that occurred when we weren’t together to avoid what I see as her hypocrisy and unjust judgment.She is now demanding specifics like who, what, when, where, how… about what I did while she had left me for her ex. I think this is pretty sadistic. I can’t think of one good thing that could come from her knowing specifics. I would not want to know.I love this woman with all of my heart; I just can’t get through to her. I have just begun to grasp the concepts of accountability and honor. We had just recently decided to abstain from sex until we were married. I think this new accountability and honor are partly responsible for my confession, in addition to my mental anguish from being raked over the coals for 2.5 years. I was never able to look her in the eye and give a straight answer so she always knew something was off. I have tried to explain to her that there is no comparison between the women of my past and her. I have tried to tell her that it was all a mistake and the only thing I took from the past was the knowledge of what I did and didn’t want and knowing now that all I want is her. What can I do to help her through this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): It's normal for a very insecure person to want details and that's what she sounds like.No good can come from you conceding. It's possible she wants to know to make sure that's it's not someone she knows or someone who you would be seeing on a fairly regular basis. If it's related to a certain place, she might not want you to go there etc. Either way, she wants to know details to reduce her own anxiety and conceding could well lead onto more controlling/paranoid behaviour from herAlso considering you two weren't together at the time she has no right to know.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Is it normal for her to want details?
Yes.
Should i concede?
No
What good could ever come from that?
No good could come from it. She's already retroactively jealous, and hypocritical. All knowing those specifics will do will make it worse. Of course, she won't likely let this drop either, so basically you're trapped and this relationship is close to over. Unless she can come to terms with letting this go, and truly moving on, you might as well consider this done.
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A
male
reader, jacobl +, writes (5 April 2011):
jacobl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. Clarification: I NEVER cheated or was unfaithful. My flings/mistakes, however inappropriate, were not while we were together. Is it normal for her to want details? Should i concede? What good could ever come from that?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 April 2011):
 that is an incredible double-standard and very unfair to you. if i'm understanding this correctly, there was no point at which you slept with anyone else while you were together, or even at any point left her for another girl? you slept with women before you met her, and after she left you for another guy? yet she's upset with YOU?i think you already see the big picture here. you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. i think you already can tell how unjust that is of her. i'm not sure if i could put up with that. seems like there's a drastic imbalance in this relationship, and somehow you need to find a way to regain the balance. whether that be by you stepping up and putting your foot down about not owing her anything, or you telling her that since you were so forgiving, and she's not, that you can no longer stay in this unfair relationship. but by simply giving in to her ways, you're paving the path for her to have total control in this relationship. and it makes her feel entitled and justified. and this pattern WILL continue down the road.you did nothing wrong. just remember that. if you had it your way, she never would have left you in the first place. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): So she cheats/leaves you for her ex and you take her back, despite the fact she wouldn't of done the same for you.....She finds out you've slept with other people while the two of you were broken up (which was instigated by her) and for some reason is jealous/bothered by it.The answer: you're both crazy.I don't see this relationship headed anywhere good, it's just going to be doubts, suspicion and jealousy from here on out. It's not going to get any better. Even if you help her through it this time, you can be sure something like it will happen again.
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A
female
reader, Yetilicious +, writes (5 April 2011):
 The only thing that you should be sorry for is the fling you had while you were first going out with her, other than that...It's ridiculous for her to break up with you over anyone in your past...that's not something you can control. She's being quite the hypocrite, seeing as she has had past relationships as well which very likely included sex.It's absurd that she would be angry at you for having sex with someone else AFTER she broke up with YOU. She admittedly had sex with her ex, and openly says that she wouldn't forgive you if you did the same thing? So, why does she get a free pass? Tell her you've both done things that have hurt eachother, but the bottom line is you love her and want to be with her. If she continues with wanting to be broken up there's nothing much you can do. Set a time frame of how long you will wait for her to change your mind, if she doesn't come around then move on. Find someone else who isn't so hypocritical.
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