A
male
age
51-59,
*leeplessInJersey
writes:I have been with my gf for almost 9 years. Like everyone else we have ups and down but I caught her in a lie several months ago and have been suspicious ever since.she signed up for a website and I just happened to find it. I confronted her and she didnt deny it. She even deleted the page. But now I think back to other situations and my suspicions are thru the roof. She exhibits almost all the signs that I read about if a gf is cheating but just about everyone of them can be logically explained away. She has no sex drive(she's menopausal) she's always tired(she works crazy hrs) every time she leaves the room she takes her cell with her(I blew up at her in the past about a "cheating incident I was proven wrong about). But other things can't be explained. We used to talk or text several times a daiy even f only for a minute or 2. She seems intent on keeping me away from her family functions(but other family members always bring the boyfriends or girlfriends with them.I'm confused. I just put a $1000 down payment on an engagement ring and I can't control my suspicions. Help!!!!!!!
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female
reader, lover06 +, writes (27 July 2012):
Dude the signs are off the chart . you both need to take a break from eachother.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (26 July 2012):
You need to ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly:
How do you treat her?
Are you controlling?
Do you find it amusing to say or do things that make her uncomfortable in front of friends and family? (hint: it isn't a 'joke' if she gets upset when you talk about sex or put her down to people for a laugh)
How have you behaved towards her and her family at previous family functions? Do you drink too much? Do you flirt with other women there? Do you tell her that her family annoys you and pressure her to leave them before she has finished visiting with them?
Why do you love her?
Are you considering marrying her because you love her? Or, are you afraid that after investing so much time into this relationship that trying to start over with someone else would just be too much effort? (if you are only together because you are familiar with one another things may not improve.)
Can you live with a woman who works crazy hours and is menopausal knowing she may be tired and disinterested in sexual relations? Basically, will you be content if you have no more sex than you are already having with her, for the rest of your life? If you feel you can't make this compromise, don't give her the ring...sex or lack thereof is a 'dealbreaker' in your case.
Finally, i take my phone with me everywhere because i habitually stick it in my pocket. I bring my ipod touch with me almost everywhere because it has the internet. I would have no problem with my fiance looking through either device at any time. I have nothing to hide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): You should get back the deposit for the ring, its bad timing to say the least.
Then I think you should end the relationship.
-If she does eventually tell you she's cheating, you're going to walk.
-If she tells you she isn't cheating, you're not going to believe her, and the suspicions are just going to plague you and you'll be going round in the same circles for as long as the misery lasts.
So what is the point in trying?
Put the both of you out of the misery.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (26 July 2012):
 It's hard to say if she's cheating, but she doesn't seem interested in this relationship anymore. If the both of you are living very separate lives and doesn't want to do couple things anymore- then it's showing that she wants to be single. The two of you should sit down and ask each other "what do you want? How do you want to be living your life right now?"
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I suggest you "take control" of your finances and recover the $1000 you fronted for a ring that will lead to a lifetime of angst and despair.....
Then, dump the girl....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 July 2012):
Hi there. You have possibly taken a very big gamble by putting that $1000 deposit on the engagement ring, especially the way things are at the moment.
Two people who are very close and in a long term relationship as you both are, should always be attending family birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. - together.
That is to say of course, as long as you both can attend - and there are no other commitments for either of you, for instance.
Or if one of you was ill and couldn't attend.
And that would be very reasonable.
Otherwise, to not be invited to attend, is just plain rude and it's excluding you from things you should be included in.
That's just not right at all.
Whether she is cheating or not, seems doubtful.
I say this, because you have mentioned here that she seems to have no sex drive much at all.
And also that she is menopausal, which can definitely reduce the libido a fair bit anyway.
Perhaps the bit about hiding her mobile phone or taking it with her when she leaves the room, could be just a ploy by her to give you that impression - that something is or could be going on.
Like a decoy, to put some doubts in your head.
Apart from exluding you from family get togethers, how do you get along generally?
(1) Do you speak to each other nicely, and with respect and dignity?
(2) Do you go out sometimes to a nice restaurant and have a lovely meal together?
(3) Do you go out sometimes to see a show together?
(4) Do you go out together at all?
OR, (5) Do you both lead fairly separate lives?
I guess what I am really trying to say, is how is your relationship with her, generally speaking?
(6) Would you say you are pretty happy in her company?
(7) Do you argue a lot - over really tiny things, that aren't even important?
(8) Does she nit pick at you, picking fault at things you do?
(9) Is she a perfectionist?
(10) Are you a perfectionist?
I mention about the perfectionist, because sometimes as time goes by, we get frustrated when the other person doesn't do things the way we would, and then we nit pick about something really trivial.
Also, being menopausal, can make women very moody and short tempered, with many mood swings.
And that doesn't help things much either!
It can be like pre menstrual tension, only it stays on and on and on, with better days and worse days.
Perhaps she is just a bit bored with her life and feels she should be doing more.
No, not bored with you and the relationship, I mean a bit bored and uninspired with her own individual life generally.
It's when we reach middle age - mid to late 30's to the 40's and even the 50's - that we often start to wonder, who we are and what we want to do with the rest of our lives.
Like being in a career for 20 years or more, and then suddenly feeling like we want a career change to do something altogether different.
There might be too much of the same ole same ole, if you know what I mean - and it could be that way for both of you.
The only difference being that she is menopausal as well, so her hormones are also involved in how she feels about her life.
And they would definitely be having HUGE impact.
Perhaps she needs something new in her life - like some sort of hobby or interest.
She might be feeling that her life is not much more than her work.
For instance, outside of her work, she might just sit at home at watch television.
Or it might feel that way to her.
In any case, it might not be anything at all to do with you, or anything you have said or done.
I think this is all about her and her life, and what she feels about her life right now.
Variety is the spice of life, so maybe it's simply a case of adding more variety to your life together.
In an ideal world, a relationship works really well if you do have some time apart seeing your own friends - say one night a week - as well as on other nights or days, pursuing your own hobbies and interests that take you away from home for a couple of hours once a week.
And that makes each of your lives much more interesting, and also gives you more to talk about when you are together.
Perhaps you see too much of each other, without seeing other people at all.
What I mean by that, is maybe all your free time - yours and hers - you spend together.
To the exlusion of all else.
And if that is the case, well then perhaps that might be why she has decided to go see her family on her own.
Not so much that she doesn't want you to be there, more that she wants some time on her own.
So it may not be exluding you at all, it just comes across that way.
Maybe you could suggest this to her.
The main thing is you really need to be sure, that you both WANT to be together.
And as long as you DO honestly want to be together, well then you definitely have a chance at a happy future together.
However for this to happen, you need to clarify this with her - and soon.
Because you don't want to get engaged, if she has different ideas.
Marriage is a very big commitment, and something which is NOT to be taken lightly.
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