A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was away out of the Provence working for a few months and my wife cheated on me. She says she's sorry and it will never happen again. I found out because a friend called me at 330 in the morning and said my wife was seeing this other guy. She was out with my wife that night and they got in a big fight and that's why she called me and told me what was happening. Apparently all that happened was she met him one night, a few months later he called her (my wife said she gave him her (our) number but the wrong area code) and they talked a few times for a few hours on the phone. Then she invited him over as 'just a friend'. Well she said that they were sitting there talking and having a few beers and he leaned in to kiss her and she didn't kiss him back (but the lips did touch) and then she says she pushed him away and told him to leave. When I originally questioned her about having him over to our home, she said he did but nothing happened....well a few hours of us talking on the phone she finally admitted everything above. She also said she was going to tell me everything but didn't want to do it over the phone. I can't help but think a lot more happened and they slept together. I told her I wanted his number to confront him and see what he had to say and he said nothing at all happened not even a kiss. Obviously he was lying. I had a few drinks a few weeks later and called him again (by this time I had flown home) and he said they did in fact sleep together. My wife says he said this just because he wants me to stop calling him. I don't know what to think, I want to forgive my wife and put all this behind us but I can't stop thinking about everything and even if she's being totally honest about everything.Now when I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry and tells me she doesn't want to talk about it and I need to either forgive her or move on.I just don't know how to deal with this and I have not a single person in my life I can talk to about this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Actually we have two small children....
A
male
reader, Ldu +, writes (30 September 2010):
Dude, she invited a random guy over to YOUR home for beers???.......That in itself is enough for me to leave the relationship. Thats a total lack of respect for you and your home. On top of that they kissed, and if they had sex which they probably did because, in all honesty.. who invites a random person over to the house to drink and do nothing at all......hes not even a friend or anything which still wouldn't be cool. And she getting mad at YOU? for bring up something you have all the right 2 know about is simply stupid. I think shes hiding behind her "anger" so that you dont uncover the truth or hear it from her mouth. Leave her budd your still young and deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): She has no right to get angry. If she says forgive or move on, I think you should say, OK I'm moving on. She needs to do some penance, grovel and beg,really feel that she has lost you, or guess what, she is destined to donit again
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (29 September 2010):
From what I'm reading here it unfortunately seems that she did indeed sleep with him, but simply isn't man enough to come clean about the truth.
Her excuses are weak.
- She says he admitted it the second time because he wants you to stop calling. Ofcourse he wants you to stop calling. But if nothing happened, he wouldn't change his story. I think this guy simply doesn't want to keep up lying for her benifit because it doesn't help him one bit.
- She lied the first time, then when she couldn't twirl around it any more, she gave in--but only to those things she can't deny. Now you're really suspecting her of sleeping with him she uses the last technique in her arsenal: getting angry, making you the bad guy for daring to question her.
Let me tell you: if she was honest she would look you straight in the eye and swear she didn't sleep with him.
I would tell her something like this:
"You don't want to talk about it, but I do. I want to know the truth. I deserve to know the truth. You lied to me before about this and now you get defensive whenever it comes up. I want to believe you didn't sleep with him, but if you had nothing to hide you wouldn't get angry and evasive whenever this comes up. What am I supposed to believe? How can I move on or forgive you when I don't know the whole story?"
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 September 2010):
Your wife has been out of order, and her behaviour is not making this better. At all. She says there was a kiss. Then this guy said there wasn't. So he was lying. Then he said they slept together. And your wife's response is a weak one at best. And now she suddenly expects you to forgive her or move on. This is the behaviour of a woman who doesn't give a damn. At all. She's done nothing to make this better. She's not suggested counselling, she's not been honest about why she did it. Nothing. Instead, she's giving you this out of order ultimatum. Totally suspicious in my opinion. Problem is you'll never know the truth. I'd suggest you try and talk her into counselling, because it's clear there is a serious problem in your relationship. If she refuses, then maybe you need to consider whether this woman is worth your time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Well, yes, you need to forgive her or move on, but "not so fast".
There needs to be some work done by the two of you before you "move on" or "forgive". Clearly you don't know as much as you would like, and she doesn't want to talk about it.
If you want this relationship to continue and last, then you need to go to counseling together. This is an affair, even if only a single kiss took place, they were talking on the phone, they were meeting up, and he says they slept together, and you have been told different things by different people, none of who can really be trusted in this issue at this point.
It sounds like you don't have children, which can make the decisions easier to make at some level.
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