A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok well me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months but have known each other for 7 years. Just recently we moved into our own place. I was unpacking one day wen his phone vibrated so I took a look to see who it was. Just a message. I had that gut feeling just to take a look through is phone...keep in mind he want home he was at work and forgot his phone and thru the 8 months being together I have never had a doubt or felt like he would lie to me....neways I see in the picture/video section a few flicks of porn. I was sooo hurt. I thought he love me I thought he didn't watch porn from wht he said. I'm really hurt that he lied. I don't really know if I should just except it cuz he's a guy, leave because I feel that's a form of cheating, or maybe watch it with him or make one with him...I jus feel that if I except what he's doin it may become an addiction and he may want more than jus watching other females...what should I do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): I don't buy the idea of porn being 'addictive'. I'm not even sure if I buy the idea of sex addiction.
They just strike me as additional ways to try to condemn people who are comfortable with their sexuality.
In this day and age, people are trying to claim addictions to EVERYTHING, from texting to video games to the internet. I'm surprised no one as come up with an 'oxygen addiction' yet.
It's absurd.
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (3 March 2009):
I suspect porn is rather like alcohol. A lot of people can enjoy it, find it stimulates them or loosens them up, but some can become seriously dependent on it.
As for your boyfriend looking at or being aroused by other women, remember that while porn may not be addictive to most people in and of itself, porn is often used as a tool (alone or with a partner) to achieve orgasms. Orgasms *are* rather addictive, which helps perpetuate the species.
It may be of some comfort/consolation to think of porn as a means to an end, and not the end in itself. I think the vast majority of guys, if offered a chance to have an orgasm centered visually on their partners or an orgasm centered on an anonymous figure with no emotional connection, would take their partners in a heartbeat. In our society, however, the anonymous figures are easily and immediately available, made to order, and we are a fast food nation. Porn is essentially sexual Taco Bell. Quick, convenient, and kind of icky.
A home cooked meal is much better, but takes time and planning and effort. A lot of people are lazy, or busy, or enjoy the occasional greasy fry-up.
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At the risk of going on a tangent, or offending someone, I want to try to help you understand where your boyfriend *might* be coming from. Here is one way to understand the role of porn in (lazy/compulsive) masturbation:
Say you have four things.
First, you have a urge for an orgasm, like an urge for a cigarette or a cup of coffee in the morning. "Oh wow, I could sure use an orgasm right now." Etc.
Second, you have a fantasy about your guy. Maybe having sex with him on a hot air balloon. Or riding on top of him on a parade float. Or him taking your forcefully in a back alley. Whatever, the details don't matter. The point is, you recognize that a certain fantasy really turns you on.
Third, you have a stereotypical guy's high arousal response to visual stimuli. Ideas are jalapenos, sights are habaneros.
The fourth thing, you actually don't have. Your guy. He's at work, or he's asleep, or he's busy working on his term paper. Or he's still giving you a look because you bought those shoes (you earned them!). Anyway, he's not there to play.
Now, in an ideal world, you'd be able to masturbate while actually being able to see with your own eyes, you and your guy in that alley, having the exact kind of sex in your fantasy, leading to a mind-blowing orgasm.
You now have four options.
You could take a very trusted friend along to film you and your boyfriend while bf takes you roughly in that back alley. Yikes! Maybe if you were more adventurous, but what about that other fantasy of a threesome with boyfriend and whoever? You don't actually want to *do* that, just fantasize. Visual + specific fantasy + your guy = very difficult.
Your other options involve giving up one part of the equation above. You could masturbate to the fantasy without any visual aid. Nothing to distract you from the idea of him and you. But also nothing visual to cement it, to make it feel real. You've got 20 minutes. Maybe you get there, maybe it's not mind-blowing, or maybe you give up when it's not really happening for you.
Sexy pictures of your guy would help, even if they don't involve the specific fantasy. The closer the better, but maybe you don't have those.
Your final option would be to try to find photos or videos that depict your fantasy, ideally with a couple that looks as much like you and your guy as possible, and use that to increase the immediacy and reality of your fantasy, and thus climb higher to a better and more reliable orgasm.
Note that your fantasy is still totally about what you and your guy are doing, not the anonymous muscleman in the picture show. Like painting from a model, the visual reality of the scene provides details for your imagination that make it much quicker and easier to get where you are going.
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This is a good point to stop and note how very orgasm-centric all this is. This is where the coffee-and-cigarettes addictive quality of orgasms comes in. Have enough of them, often enough, and you may crave them in their absence. Have them less often, or rarely go without, and you may never feel the withdrawal. And of course some people get addicted to things more easily than others.
It's my sense that those who are commonly thought of as "addicted to porn" are actually addicted to sex (or more specifically the endorphin rush of orgasms), and treat porn as a tool (like a Mr. Coffee pot) to get their fix.
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Sorry to go off on such a long tangent, but there is a point to it. There are people who object to porn, for many good reasons. There are also people who object to cigarettes (me), alcohol (not me), other drugs, gambling, eating meat, paying taxes, dodging taxes, and many other things.
But regardless of your moral or ethical feelings about sexuality, it is important to understand that pornography is for the vast majority of its consumers, a product rather like music: something that performers do that creates an emotional reaction, that is sought for the reaction it entails, and not generally for any emotional connection to or desire for the performers themselves.
I don't mean any of this to be dismissive of your feelings about your boyfriend's actions, or to say you are wrong to view this as cheating. You are absolutely entitled to want someone who feels the same way about pornography as you do. And there are many guys who do.
But there are also many men and women who feel differently, and sometimes people with different points of view end up together. My hope in writing this is to help you (and others) get a look into this other point of view.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, kaylagal +, writes (3 March 2009):
 I'm a girl and I watch porn. Unless he ignores you and spends all his time watching porn then it shouldn't be a big deal. He's a guy and probably young, a porn is just a part of that. Don't over-react, talk to him about it. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kllgunner +, writes (3 March 2009):
 it is perfectly normal i have been with my gf for 6 months and i watch porn alot it perfectly normal. If he does this it prbly means he masturbates and thats what he uses it for dnt be upset it wont turn into anything else and about making one idk thats up to you two though have fun be safe and use a condom.
-madly in love
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