A
female
age
36-40,
*DE123
writes:I have been married for 3 years. When my husband and I first got together we had a great sexual relationship. and even more so because we both lost our virginity to one another. it is special and he pleased me and I like to think I did the same. well when we got married and I guess hhe got more comfortable with me, he decided to tell me there are things he doesn't like to do. Things that I enjoyed very much but I decided that I would just deal. It would be easier to "just deal" if that was it. But for the past maybe 2 years I have been so sexually frustrated. I have talked ot him about how I want to feel like he wants me and how I would like it if he tried a little harder. He can be ok with having sex once a week but I need MORE. When we DO have sex Its ridiculously methodical, I know exactly what comes when and there are always crap excuses as to why we can't do other things. I try to be understanding about why he doesn't like doing certain things but I always feel like he's being lazy or not attracted to me or something. He says thats not the case but thats how it feels when the moment comes. I have been told I am very attractive and not to be conceited but I DO get looks on a daily basis. I hate them because it just reminds me of how he doesn't really look at me that way. I love him but to be honest this has been chipping away at me for a bit over 2 years and I think to myself "can I do this for the rest of my life?" He is like this and he is barely going to turn 25, could you imagine in just 10 years? My question: Is this a stupid reason to not want to be with a person?Is not being sexually compatible good enough reason to end a relationship?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I kinda feel like i have the same problem my sex life with my wife is very boring. Its so routine exact same thing everytime. we do have sex often but how many times are we going to do missionary. she also wont give oral sex even though i do for her lots i love doing it and she says she really enjoys when i do it. i have even talked to her about it and nothing has changed. I find my self falling out of love with her because we are not compatible at all sexually. oh ya and shes the only person i have ever been with right out of high school, shes been with people in the past and has said shes done more stuff with her ex that shes wont do with me i dont get why. Like oral sex shes done it with her ex but wont do it to me. it makes me feel like somethings wrong with me, its a shitty feeling. but ya anyway we been together 7 years and i think im going to end it because we are not compatible. how can I go through life not experiencing everything that is important to me? i told her it was important to me still nothings changed and i dont expect her to why should she have to do something if shes not interested.
A
female
reader, WDE123 +, writes (16 August 2009):
WDE123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you EVERYONE for your advice. It has really help put things into perspective and think a little better and not feel crazy.
I have spoken to him about my feelings and what is going on. We have decided that we are going to try, both of us, to get things going again and outside of sex be a little better in the hopes to get past all this. I am trying one last time because I can't stand to think of throwing away 3 years of my life with this man I love. But I have accepted that I need to be realistic with myself and if I really can't get past some of the things that I have said in the past I would compromise with (sexually and non) I have to accept that this might be it. We make mistakes and learn, right?
Again thank you all so much. You have been extremely helpful again in not making myself believe that i may be crazy!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Just tell him, clearly, firmly, that you can't continue this situation indefinitely. Tell him that you don't want to be with someone else, but you thought you were getting a partner who is different from the one he has grown into. Tell him that you don't want to be demanding but you feel like he's not even making the effort on his part to try and make things work better even if they won't be perfect. Tell him this feeling like you are alone in trying to fix this feels worse than the problem itself, and it feels like he doesn't care how much this bothers you. Don't keep repeating this stuff and don't nag him about it. Just say it all once, mean it, and tell him that eventually you will not stay married to him if he does not start putting some effort into helping this rift. If he really won't change then start planning to divorce him. His unwillingness to try is the bigger dealbreaker than the specifics of the problem.
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A
female
reader, WDE123 +, writes (16 August 2009):
WDE123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGL: I completely agree. I have not forced him to do anything he doesn't want to do because if he isn't enjoying himself, I will know it, and in turn not enjoy it either. I don't think an open relationship would be an option. I think its disrespectful towards him and I don't think I would like it very much because my problem is that I want to be intimate with HIM not anybody else. But if it can't happen with him then maybe I need a new relationship...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): I'm sorry that you are sexually frustrated, but he isn't obligated to fulfill your needs if it is something that makes him uncomfortable. If he asked you for something that made you uncomfortable, it would be stressful and frustrating to you. I am in a relationship and I don't crave sex w/my partner and he does want to w/me. I've done it, just to make him happy, to quell his hunger for sex. It has gotten to the point that it disgusts me, even the idea of being sexual. My situation may be different, I was raped when I was younger and it still haunts me though I try to progress. I think that forced sex is bad sex. If he has to do it because you hound him to do it, it's not ok. It's not ok, for either side to push someone to fulfill them sexually if the other party finds it a turn off. There are some things that we compromise on in a relationship...then there is complete disrespect of others feelings. Talk to him about a open relationship, perhaps you can find someone to satisfy your hunger and still make your marriage work. GL
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A
female
reader, WDE123 +, writes (15 August 2009):
WDE123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses. To be a little clearer (because when I worte this I WAS in tears) I HAVE spoken to him about it. so many times that I am currently mad but don't want to talk to him about it again because I feel like an idiot bringing it up to him again. We communicate all the time about everything else but because I am the only one having a problem with this I just can't talk about it. We don't have fun spontaneous sex.I am only 21 and I want FUN. He prefers I wear panties and a push up bra instead of being naked. He prefers to wear a shirt and boxer instead of being naked. (yes while we have sex, except my undies do come off so we can have sex)Oh and no we are not having children together. He has had a vasectomy (and yes the problem was present BEFORE this procedure)
Fatherlyadvice: I have thought that maybe this might be it BUT I don't think that would change the routine of step a to step b to step c.
Mrdviser: I would LOVE to return a favor if he did something for me but he is such a simple guy. I have asked him what he likes and he says just having sex. according to him he has no real fantasies which amazes the crap out of me because he is a Fiction writer so I would think that his imagination would go crazy. he doesn't care for me to use my hand or mouth or anything else. He doesn't like to french kiss. He says he "loves" my boobs but hardly does anything with them.
Beingblack: Yes he basically did do all those things to keep me. he told me this. When he told me this I was very saddened becasue I felt like he had lied to me. Because yes if i had realized sex with him for the rest of my life would be the way it is now I may have rethought this whole situation as horrible as they may sound its true.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Make you choice before there's children, because then it will be a hundred times harder. Whatever you decide. Been there...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 August 2009):
 You have mismatched sex drives, not sexual incompatibility. It has been known to end marriages. His drive sounds pretty low to me for his age, although there is no standard. You8 need to get him into a good doctor who knows something about male hormone imbalance. There have been several post on this problem in the last month. Before you leave or go wandering try to work through what may be a medical problem with him. All of the advice you have been getting on communication is also important.
FA
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 I personally do not believe that there is such a thing as 'sexual compatability'. People like to have these labels for everything, so that feelings and situations can become easily referenced and categorised. You and your husband had great sex before you were married. But now that you are 'husband and wife', it seems that you have suddenly become 'incompatible'. Your joint expectations in your lives have changed, and that has cuased an issue in your sex lives. While you wanted to gain a life partner, and hoped your marriage would enhance your feelings towards your husband, it seems that your husband has stopped making an effort to be the exciting person who you wanted. He has 'snagged' a wife, and has categorised you as this. He doesn't feel the need to try any more. How much more incorrect could he be?All the things that he done sexually were designed to show his sexual prowess and please you to the point of no return. You don't want anyone else. But now he has just got lazy.At the same time, you need to stop focusing on the things that he won't do, and help him to 'court' you again. If your marriage is a little mundane and lacks fun outside of the bedroom, you have little or no chance of having a great time in it. Is his sexual laziness enough reason to end a marriage? Not really. He just needs to re-focus on you as a sexy woman, and stop thinking of you as his meal provider, organiser, clothes washer and ironer, or whatever his lazy brain, and his personal values tell him. If he did all those sexual activities that you really love JUST to get a ring on your finger, then yes, that is a reason to end a marriage. Those things should be done because he loves you, and wants to see you have huge amounts of pleasure, not because he wants a wife. The biggest problem is that neither of you seem to be communicating at all. Just because you're married, it doesn't make you both psychic. Don't forget to have conversations about sex when you're out and about, don't leave it until you're in bed together. Hope things work out.
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A
male
reader, Mr. Adviser +, writes (15 August 2009):
 It is not a stupid reason at all. It is a very valid reason but not root cause of all the problems. Now, you have explained you once had a very sexually compatible relationship. This means you are and always were compatible. The problem lies in communication. You have probably tried to express how much you really love what he used to do. I would suggest giving him a good reason to do those. If there is something he likes done, let him know in return for that, he must take care of you.
You must also both work together to spice things up. Ask him questions, find out what fires his flame. Also remind him what fuels yours as well.
Now perhaps you do all this and all goes well, perhaps he will start looking at you like a super goddess. My own gf is no super model but to me she seems like a goddess. She also knows how to light my fire. Point is, its not about looks. You may have the prettiest car, but with no engine, it doesn't really go anywhere for you. In this sense, you must make your relationship (the car) move by adding interest (an engine)
Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm right, but my advise is probably worth a try.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Sexual incompatibility can be a reason, yes. But what you are describing is more like he's just not willing to make the effort to accomodate and meet you halfway. Nothing you are describing sounds like it's too much to ask of a normal guy in a normal new marriage. Sex is supposed to be fun, often, and a little unpredictable. If he doesn't want to make the effort on this stuff then that's his choice. But he should be willing to see this as his problem too.And, as much as anything else, you need to communicate the importance that this issue has for you. He needs to realize that if he decides not to try harder then he is deciding to eventually lose you over it.
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