A
male
age
,
*ishmaster
writes:Well here goes. I suspect I already know the answer to this question but here goes anyways. I suspect my wife of 21 years is cheating on me. Over the last 2 years my wife has really changed. She is from the Philippines and the last time she went home she started getting lots of phone calls and would leave the room when she got a call. If I followed her she would leave that room. She said it was just a friend and a bakla (filipino fag that acts very femine voice and all). Well I walked into the kitchen one day and heard the voice on the phone and it was very deep male voice. She eventually admitted he was not a bakla but said he was just a friend. (yeah right) I then found a post about buying a dog in the philippines and she told them to contact her boy friend Michael. (not that alarming because the term boyfriend is a little different over there). Next came a friend she met online she started calling, I got on her yahoo messenger and started chatting like I was her and asked him to say again what he said last night and it got real sexual. Strike 2. Now she took a new job a year ago and got real interested in the gym. I got suspicious when she got off work at 10 pm and would come home at 3 or 4 in the morning. So when we got new phones I put google latitude on it so I could see where she was. When she was supposed to be at her friends house she wasn't she was at the house of the guy I suspected. She claimed she was helping her friend and her boyfriend move in there. Okay maybe that was true. But a month later when she was supposed to be at another friends house she was once again at his house. So I paid a little visit and saw her walking back to her car with a man (couldn't see if they were holding hands or anything since it was dark). She said it was a different man and he was just walking her to her car. She saw me and they kept walking. 10 minutes later she came back by herself. When we got home she blew up that I was spying on her. (if you have nothing to hide why get upset about it. She kept deleting messages off of her phone and ran the minutes up to the max every month. I questioned her about it and suddenly the phone calls went to nothing for about 3 months. The other day I found she had another phone. She actually slammed her phone into the concrete floor and shattered it so I couldn't see where she was. Several weeks ago while attempting to have sex she kept her vagina so tight I couldn't enter a finger. Low and behold it felt like someone had cum in her (it has a distinct feel). When questioned about it she starts saying I had accused her of being bigger (I didn't say that so apparently she was concerned about it) Why does she get mad if I snoop to see what she's up to if she isn't hiding something. Now she is back in the Philippines, before she left I discovered she had a secret Facebook account and guess who her first friend yep him. So I just watched and they had several messages. On her page she said "I love my Libra" yep guess who's a libra. There were other messages that went like this.Her: I miss youHim: How are u I miss u tooHim: We need to talkHer: So sorry I've busy and trying to borrow a phoneHim: Hi it's about time now u think yes or no(no idea what that last line was about)Her: Sorry friends for not calling ya'll i'm so busy , i will call ya'll when i get a chance..i'm trying to enjoy my vacation but i can't stand the heat, it's too hot here, dusty and humid..sweat..sweat every minute but i love ya'll anyway. I love my Libra«lol»Him: Just be safe and enjoy yourself u need it take care we all miss you.Her: I miss youHim: How are u I miss u tooWell that's it, I reckon I already know the answer but thought I would throw it out there for others input.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Dear FISHMASTER,I am glad to know that you did what's best for you and its the right thing. Sorry that it had to end this way...I know its very difficult, I know that you have many mix emotions, many questions, trying to understand, but just remember that you did the best you could. I said to someone before, that time will not heal, its what you do with your time that will help you get over this difficult situation, the sooner the better for you. I know you have many unanswered questions, but don't waste any more of your time trying to understand. What's important right now is YOU. Be calm and try to make this divorce process as quickly as possible. No matter how much she tries to make it difficult, keep it classy..Even though, you lived with this no character, no integrity, low class person for so long, always remember that the world is endless and full of wonderful people. You will find someone amazing that will make you very happy and will respect, love you and take care of you the way you deserve. Its never too late to find love and be happy. You get to live once and make the best of it and no regrets...Take care of yourself, you need to be healthy, strong, keep your mind free, positive. Buy new clothes, join the gym, eat well, look good, go traveling, do all the things you always wanted to do. Don't let your mind control you. Positive energy is very important. Looking good, feeling good, being positive, people will approach you and you will make new friends..Wish you the best and happiness!Best of luck!!
A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (21 May 2011):
best wishes for youi know it is tough time right now,but whats to be done is to be done and sooner is always betterGood Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Have strength fishmaster. I know it hurts.
Take care of yourself. Do u have anyone close to confide in? Someone to share your burden?
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, fishmaster +, writes (20 May 2011):
fishmaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I just got back from the court house filing for divorce. Thank You everyone for your help. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (19 May 2011):
Dear FISHMASTER,
I know its a very difficult time for you right now... But you're doing the right thing.
I know 21 years of marriage is a very long time, however when trust is broke in a relationship, its hard to continue being together.
You don't deserve to be searching for things to prove anything, its exhasting to live this way. No one should have to live this way, specially after all the years you have been together. All the sacrificies... I know is heart breaking, but be strong...
You are right about, maybe a chance if she's resentful, shows regret, willing to be honest with you, but otherwise... No way!!!!
Be strong!!! Good luck...
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 May 2011):
 so what if her idea idea of 'coming clean' is to SWEAR to you that she has not done anything? will you believe her and forget about your worries? you say you are in a 'comfort level'. sorry but you don't seem very comfortable to me. someone in an earlier post suggested you hire a private detective and i actually think that is a great idea as it will prove to you one way or the other where she really goes and who she really sees. i really hope your fears about her are unfounded by the way and if so i hope you can get over them
x
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A
male
reader, fishmaster +, writes (18 May 2011):
fishmaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes she is fully aware. I gave her until tomorrow to come 100% clean with me and we could look at where we stand then, or I will file on Friday. She apparently is unable to do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): Does she know of your divorce intentions?
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, fishmaster +, writes (17 May 2011):
fishmaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks LoveGirl, 21 years is a long time to give up on. I guess my biggest hang up at this point is I'm at a comfort level that up to this point made it worthwhile to stay. I have not got to the point where it is no longer worth it. She refuses to come clean with me so my only option at this point is to divorce her ass. The papers will be filed Friday.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): ... I forgot to add: Odds, excellent advice.I agree wholeheartedly with your recommendation.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Dear fishmaster: I wasn't going to respond then saw your update but now cannot resist getting into this .so here goes....Three strikes and she's out....You have caught her 'cheating' and lieing so many times. Trust, what trust?? Of course you cannot trust her. What is soooo very confusing here. Seems like she cannot keep her legs together. For some people, cheating and being untrustworthy is a no big deal, for others who have a moral compass, cheating is a non negotiable. For you, 21 years is a lifetime and if you have to snoop, or hire a PI or basically follow her yourself, you do it.You are not treating here like a so called "possession" you are her bloody hb for goodness sake. Not only should you get concrete proof, you should take her to the cleaners. As some Aunts have advised, there is insurmountable proof of her cheating, so get busy, hey even change the locks on the door, so when she comes back, she will get the message finally that u will not tolerate her cheating.I do not blame you to checking up on her. Part of my work involves forensic investigation and trust me you have done a pretty good job with your observations and discoveries.To 'so very confused' you cannot judge the OP the same way you judged your hb. Both you and your hb had an open marriage and YOU BOTH cheated. You left your hb for your lover. So I can understand your trust issues that you had with your hb and he had with you. OP, the only thing left is: when do you serve her?LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
 either you trust her or you don't.even IF she is not cheating (which it sounds like she is) you don't trust her.if you don't trust her there is no way to have a sane rational relationship.as a woman formerly married to a man who lied to me that I cannot trust, I understand the feeling only too well.my current partner lives out of state and yet I trust him 100% to be honest and open with me.... I have NO NEED to check up on my partner. I had a huge need to check up on my ex. Hence the reason he's my ex.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 May 2011):
she seems to have lied to you and sneaked about just TOO MANY TIMES. and now the secret facebook and secret phone? of course she will always try to talk her way out of your accusations but i think you have got it right. she has destroyed your trust. its a shame that some people behave that wayxx
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (17 May 2011):
 While the checking up may not have been the most aboveboard thing to do - that is not the issue here. Besides there is mountains of other evidences that suggest infidelity. I also wonder if those who decry such clandestine investigative methods here in this case would continue to decry if the gender roles are reversed. My experience says that is seldom the case. If you are not going to give this guy non-judgmental advice go to the next question.
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A
male
reader, fishmaster +, writes (16 May 2011):
fishmaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused, exactly what does that have to do with whether or not she is cheating? I have very good reasons to check up on her. I'm not stalking her as the first poster posted. The first poster says hire an private investigator. Please explain what the difference is between someone else doing it and me doing it?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2011):
end the marriage.
you have no trust of your wife
you are treating her like a possession...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): It certainly sounds as if she is cheating on you. I would do some soul searching and decide if you want to try and work at the marriage first. But you might feel things have gone too far and you want a divorce. In which case you could hire someone to catch her being unfaithful then start a divorce. You dont need to tell her anything until she is served with the papers.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Dear friend,
Sorry that you are going through this.. After 21 years of marriage...
I agree with "ODDS" 100%!!!
He gave you the best advice possible... Please, don't let this go any longer...
You sound like a very good man, don't waste time trying to figure it out, its obvious!!! Believe in your gut my friend...
Now its time to take care of yourself, you don't deserve this betrayal and don't let her win... She has done enough!!....
Pls, be calm, wise, do what's best for you... The sooner you solve this, the better for you..
Take care, wish you all the best and good luck!
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (16 May 2011):
i think it is clear that she is cheating
get it official if you want because facing her again well get her only to be more manupulative and cautios
can you get a private detictive ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): it definitely sounds like she's cheating on you, man. i hate it for you, i really do. and especially her turning it around on you to make you feel guilty for checking up on her.
you have EVERY right to check up on her. she's been lying as to her whereabouts. it's such a classic cheater response to get angry when confronted about their behavior.
i would seriously give her an altimatum at this point. her behavior WILL change or your marriage is over. no one deserves to be treated the way she's been treating you. she's lying and running around on you. and you don't deserve that. good luck man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Your wife may well be having an affair. I don’t know for certain and nor will anyone else here, but what I suspect is the case is that there is no breathing room for her in this marriage. No room for her as an individual for personal growth. Her whole adult life has been spent as half of a unit, putting the wants and needs of family ahead of her own. She wants to grow and experience more while she’s still a young woman. I’m not talking about sexual conquests, but life itself; making different friends, trying different things, reinventing herself, instead of continuing to do, day in and day out, what everyone else expects of her.
The fact that you haven taken to stalking her, regardless of what you choose to call it or how you justify it, makes this scenario seem more likely.
I cannot tell you what you should do, but I can advise you about what you should NOT do and that is this merciless stalking and cornering. I absolutely guarantee that if you continue on this path your wife will grow to despise you. She will come to associate you with dark, heavy emotions, confinement and restriction. She will see you not as a partner but a tormenter, a prison warden.
A few years back I went through something similar. I had always supported and encouraged my family to pursue their hobbies, their dreams and I had given up so many of mine. When my child became an adult I decided I wanted some new experiences of my own. I resumed contact with old friends, made new ones and took up hobbies. Despite being as transparent as I could be so as not to alarm anyone, I was called a slut when I shaved my legs, a lesbian when I made women friends. I had to live with constant threats of violence toward these friends, of being followed and having my internet movements tracked. I had my odometer checked frequently to ensure the mileage matched my stated destination. Being honest only gave my husband more things to twist and accuse me of. It was a nightmare and I grew to loathe him. I no longer saw him as human, but as a disgusting animal. We're now separated.
Please don’t let this happen to you.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Well, getting mad over snooping is normal whether she's cheating or not. But every sign I see here indicates she's cheating. As in, I'd put good money on it.
Now, what you have to decide is how to react. Either leave, or give her one last chance.
First, set things up legally so you'll have the initiative with regards to house, money, and kids. Talk to a lawyer before you talk to her.
Second, if you're going to leave her, get the papers served and take everything. You can always give something back if you feel its fair, but someone who cheats on you will not fight fair in court. Win the legal battle before she knows its begun.
Third, if you want to make up with her, tell her you know she's cheating. Present the evidence, and don't let her change the discussion aroud (she'll cry about you snooping). Give her your terms (break it off with the guy while you listen, then delete any form of contact with him). She's effectively on probation from here on. She is free to either take the terms, or divorce you, with no middle ground - though it's important you spell out the option to leave. Make it clear you'll walk away if things aren't going the way you want.
Lastly, if it ends in divorce, go ahead and tell everyone in her social circle that she cheated.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (16 May 2011):
I'm sorry to have to say this but you have probably answered your own question
Emotional infidelity is just as destructive as physical infidelity but oh so much easier to fall into.
Be very careful as to how you bring this up because if you admit to snooping around and impersonating her even indirectly the "discussion" will shift right to that and she will have a convenient point to use in rationalizing her behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): You are stalking her and acting crazy and incredibly creepy. Divorce her now. You know as well as I do what that line on Facebook is about...either Its about time she borrowed a phone, or about time she leaves you for him.
Take the high road and STOP STALKING HER!!! If you really must find out what she has been up to, higher a licensed private investigator to gather evidence for you and a lawyer to use the gathered evidence to your advantage when you finally do divorce her.
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