A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I come out of 4 year relationship. It’s been a few months break in meeting although we spoken daily by phone. Recently she made contact, and we have been speaking about our issues after things have calmed down. However I feel she does not give me time of day but tells me she loves me? She acts as if I’m in control when I am not? For example if conversation has too many questions she freezes up. Her voice makes me think she loves me but her actions seem different.Someone mentioned she’s moved on. However she won’t admit it. I’m stuck because I will accept it if she has moved on. But I’m in pain as we have spoken about us, and it’s bring up fresh wounds. She doesn’t like me speaking to other girls but is okay speaking to her male friend. I’m so confused and I’m ready to move on, but I want to give it everything I got before I accept it. She says she will never be able to move on but at same time doesn’t give much opportunity to talk.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): OP if you read what I wrote I said do no contact and give each other time to reflect and if it is meant to be she will be part of your life in the future.
Is what you are doing working? You are in constant contact but the only thing it is doing is leaving you both more confused and jaded.
It's not about just moving on and sleeping around but you have to accept that for some reason this relationship has broken down, I honestly can't see what other choice you have?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2022): You people are so negative , not a single glimmer of positivity apart from the usual way of moving on. Doesn’t matter to you guys if you have 50 partners, as long as I keep moving on, I am amazing.
No wonder UK has highest number of divorces.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2022): P.S.
Do you have anything that belongs to her, or do you owe her money?
Give her back her belongings she left behind, and settle-up any debts you owe. Then move-on!
Don't use emotional-blackmail, or hold people hostage by withholding their belongings. Don't borrow what you can't/won't payback. That's petty and cruel. You could also end-up in small-claims court, and a judge could make you keep the stuff; and compensate her in cash, and add payment for any damages to her personal-property. Sometimes we don't think straight or get vindictive when we feel rejected or frustrated; but there is no excuse for any bad-behavior. She could call the cops! Let-go and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2022): I sense an element of jealousy and/or possessiveness afoot. Mind-games are being played. I think you're suspicious too, that's why you've written DC.
It's a subtle manipulative move for some people to contact their obviously distraught ex, for the purpose of keeping them emotionally-immobilized with false-hope. They will come across as conciliatory, sensitive, sympathetic, loving, and seeking forgiveness. The truth is, they've probably moved-on; but not ready to deal with their ex chatting or having sex with other people. Dating is okay, as long as they know nothing serious is going on. Then again, the thought of intimacy between you and somebody else doesn't sit well.
If you tend to post all your activities online (share gossipy mutual-friends); or if it seems you've found someone she might consider better-looking, or having a nicer personality. All of a sudden, they'll be calling you at odd hours, wanting to have deep conversations; and exhibiting what seems to be uncharacteristic tenderness and concern. Remember her anger before the breakup, you'll snap out of it!
***The screeching sound of tires coming to a stop*** Hold-up!!! Sorry, there is a caveat!
If they just suddenly "want to be friends," be very suspicious of their motives; especially when you are still deep within your period of emotional-withdrawal (similar to cold-turkey withdrawal from drug-addiction) from the detachment and separation-process after a breakup. You are vulnerable and susceptible to head-games. You'll need a dopamine-fix, and she'll be your dealer! Testing how needy or desperate you are. Having no intention of taking you back! Tell yourself over and over, that your relationship is done!
When you are still in the throws of separation-anxiety, you are prone to manipulation and wishful-thinking. They know you, and they know how to push your buttons. They're keeping your wounds open, and fresh; so you'll be too confused to move-on, while they've already had a head-start at it.
Sometimes the idea of you in a state of sexual-arousal and excitement, while making love to another person; that can often be one the main things that's hard for an ex to mentally-visualize and deal with. Of course, that goes both-ways! You'll have the same thoughts! Even if you may hate each-other's guts! Jealousy pushes your differences aside! Temporarily!!!
If they suddenly call out of nowhere, they've been thinking about you; but not necessarily in the way you may want to have been thought of. They need to tangle-up your feelings and throw you into a tizzy. They'll even dangle a carrot of reconciliation over your head! You may receive a series of late-night calls; or long conversations continuing well into the night. That's to keep you home, and away from anybody else. Think about it! If you can't put your finger on what she's up-to; then maybe she isn't making her intentions clear to you on purpose. Take all this into consideration.
You would be better-off going completely no contact. Block calls, block access to your social media accounts, and avoid mutual-friends. You've got healing to do; and you need time to sort through your feelings. You aren't even ready to date, or you'll pull a number of rebound-romances; or toy with the emotions of other people. Decent women, who might be genuinely attracted, and interested in more than just a romp in the sack. Leading women on by pretending to be available, when you are not, makes you a certified-jerk and an A-hole!
You shouldn't consider a "post-breakup friendship;" when you couldn't even workout and maintain a successful romantic-relationship.
All the issues and problems that drove you apart are still unresolved; and nobody has had a chance to change their ways. Your emotions are still raw. You haven't properly reviewed the series of events that lead-up to your breakup, alone and without interruption. So what quality of friendship are you going to have with someone you've had so many knockdown-dragout fights with? When you've had a string of angry exchanges that left you bitter and angry; and your feelings all torn-apart. Now you're going to just let all that go, and be chums? Get real!!! Especially, if the breakup is primarily (or all) your fault! It's sweet revenge to make someone think they're all forgiven, only to drop them hard and cold again!!!
We may subconsciously seek comfort, or an emotional band aid to cover our wounds; because the separation is so painful, and you also feel jealous thinking about them moving on and finding someone new.
Every time she calls, you're reversing your healing-process, and delaying your subconscious-mind's attempt to reconcile with the facts, and adjust to the reality of the breakup. Your mind is denied the process of letting-go. You'll become confused and paralyzed with regret, second-guessing yourself, and moping about in false-hope.
You've admitted this is messing with your head. You have to man-up, and shutdown these mind-games. It would be beneficial for both of you. She needs time to get used to the fact that you are now "both" free; and that it is unfair to make you think she's considering getting back together, when she knows full-well that is not even remotely the case.
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A
female
reader, MysticalStella +, writes (17 March 2022):
 I'm just going to point out that trauma and suffering are two completely different things and give you an insight into how they both differ. Trauma is natural and an inevitable aspect of life. We are born, we get sick, we get ill, we get hurt, we age, we experience bereavement, heartache, loss, pain. Out of trauma we get creativity and interaction, healing and recovery, learning and growth. So all things being equal it's trauma what shapes us and makes us the individuals who we are. Then you have suffering, which is attachment. This attachment, which can be emotional, or psychological, and can be to a desire, an outcome, a situation, a sensation or a feeling, is not part of trauma. It's not even connected to trauma. It's something we sometimes create in response to trauma or a traumatic experience. Can you see the difference? I hope so. Okay so let's apply the above to your situation. The ending of the relationship is the trauma here. Not all relationships are built to last and no relationship ever comes with a guarantee that it will work out. There's a degree of risk in all relationships. The attachment here, which is causing the suffering, is the contact between you and your ex. You're not back in a relationship, but you're still in contact with each other. For as long as you two are still in contact with one another, but there's no relationship and no commitment to a new relationship, neither of you are going to be able to heal and recover from the end of the relationship. While this continues there's going to be confusion and mixed messages and whatever wounds came about from the ending of the relationship are going to be constantly reopened. It's like trying to use a broken limb, picking at a broken tooth with your tongue, or constantly picking at a scab. I'm assuming that you see the principle here. You need to cut contact, stop talking, and get each other into a point where you're both able to heal, recover and grow. This is the only way you're both going to come out of this. I wish you well.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 March 2022):
 I think if you try to give it everything it will be wasted energy as this relationship is over. I feel by keeping up this contact is not healthy for anyone as its just dragging things out. I think that someone has got to step up to the plate and finalise things so that you can both move on,something by the sounds of you have both already done.
Someone mentioned she has moved on, that's because she has, her saying she will never be able to move on does not mean she want's to rekindle a relationship.
I agree you need to wish her well and cut contact, other wise neither of you will move forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): She can be in another relationship but still have feelings for you, it's probably a rebound.You need to do no contact and give her space and yourself because you are not allowing each other the chance to not only heal but for you both to really reflect on the relationship and why it ended.Look up the no contact rule and I seriously urge you to do it because you are clinging onto straws and she is not willing to completely break ties, you are both in stalemate. She has to be single and both of you in a stable place of mind to really look.and reflect on things. The Old saying is if you love them set them free and let them return if they realise what they have lostLet her go
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 March 2022):
 "I’m so confused and I’m ready to move on, but I want to give it everything I got before I accept it."
You two broke up for a reason (or reasons). ACCEPT that.
Usually, when a relationship has broken down and people (the former couple) try and re-hash the past it doesn't fix anything. It is a good thing to want to "give it your all" but it's too late, OP.
"I’m stuck because I will accept it if she has moved on."
No, you are just being stubborn. She doesn't HAVE to "admit" if she has moved on. You say her ACTIONS tell you she has, but her voice still sounds like she loves you... Yeah, that CAN happen. Because it IS possible to LOVE someone and NOT be able to continue to date them.
You and HER and no longer a good fit. It's not going to work out no matter how much you rip up in the past and try and "change" things. You keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. Which, is a waste of time, energy, and emotions. That is probably because YOU are not over HER yet.
You need to wish her well and CUT all contact. If you two keep talking neither of you will really move forward. And then neither of you will find THAT someone who IS a good fit.
"She says she will never be able to move on but at the same time doesn’t give much opportunity to talk."
That is what she says now. Because THAT is how she feels. Now. Give it a year of no contact and you will both have had a chance to let it go and move on.
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