A
female
age
36-40,
*untieJ
writes:In EVERY relationship I've ever been in I've been lied to, cheated on and had horrible mind games played on me.I've had boyfriends move in with other partners behind my back,get engaged,get other girls pregnant and move away to name but a few incidents.My six year (on and off) relationship ended in February and my ex drip fed me information of his numerous infidelities for months and it was like mental torture!!Every time he was out of my system he would pop up and have another affair to revealed to me.During this period I was dating a friend that I had known since I was about 16/17. I had been friends with both him and his twin sister for many years but hadn't seen him in a while until we hooked up (we never had sex only kissed.)We went out on dates alone and hung out in groups for about 6 weeks and yeah I did talk about my ex from time to time but he always said he didn't mind because we were just friends and he was here for me.The suddenly one day the texts stopped,the hang outs stopped then I noticed he'd blocked me on facebook as had his twin and her boyfriend.I have no idea why they did this and was understandably upset.About 6 weeks ago now I started a relationship with a really lovely guy called Martin.One of my best friends (female) knows him pretty well and highly encouraged the relationship.My total paranoia about something going wrong or him cheating on me just wont subside it eventually did.Until it was made even worse by looking at his internet history and seeing him on a dating site.I confronted him but he doesn't know I looked at his history I said a friend found it and told me.He said he did not know how to close it down and hasn't used it for months and it is now gone.He called me last night drunk and very upset and about an incident with his friends and asked me to come to his I had no cash to travel so had to decline.Told him to stick to the prior plan of me coming to his tonight 8/9/13. However an hour before he was due to pick me up he texted to say that there had been an incident at his sisters house and she did not feel safe so he would spend the night there and see me tomorrow. (Which I do not grudge him.)I'm due to go on holiday in the next few days and I'm very busy so I doubt I will get the chance to see him.He never answered the phone when I called him to see if his sister was ok and when I called back half an hour later still no answer,he eventually called back short conversation in which he said he would text.I've had one text and when I texted him to say I'd moved my day around to see him before I leave for two weeks I got no response.Am I just being paranoid because of my past or do you think he is playing away just like all the others?I honestly can't stop my head form over thinking and it's driving me nuts and am going to end up driving my friends and boyfriend away with all my worrying!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 September 2013):
 I believe your insecurities are what's destroying your relationships. You assume guys will cheat on you, so that's what you're attracting to your relationship. I don't believe this last guy is being truthful about why he wasn't able to see you. I do believe there is a guy out there for you, but you might miss him if you continue being insecure.
Relationships are a reflection of ourselves. When they are not working out, we must take a moment and ask ourselves what it is about us that is causing relationship chaos.
A
female
reader, auntieJ +, writes (9 September 2013):
auntieJ is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice,I've never actually told him about how I feel think if I just spoke to him I'd put my mind at rest?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 September 2013):
 I think you would make a better judgment upon hearing what his sister had gotten into. I agree that your paranoia is hurting your new relationship. You have not accused him of anything so it's not destroying your relationship, only yourself and your well being.
It's possible that he had forgotten to close his account or didn't care to. I only learned how to close my accounts after meeting insecure men, but I felt that was an appropriate thing to do, also saves a lot of time wasted on explaining things and messy jealous feelings.
He had not shown any signs of cheating. Your continued surveillance of his computer habit does not ease your fears, rather you are looking for triggers every time. If you decide to be with him, and you feel that he is good for you, then trust him and stop looking into his computer.
He may not be a cheater but he and his circle of people sound like troublemakers. If they are leading unhealthy lifestyles chances are, he is not too different from them unless he is playing the role of brother and he stands out as a mentor or protector. And you did mention he called you drunk. He is not a snake, he is just not communicative enough. He probably did not know of your paranoia.
You should take it slow and put your mental health priority first. He may not even be the guy. Before you know he is the one there is no point worrying if he would leave you. It's more important for you to like him. Just plain being faithful is not good enough. You need to have higher standards in boyfriends although I understand your self esteem went to the bottom after the first few guys. You also need to have a strong sense of self. It might take time. You know you are confident when you are not shaken by what negative things others tell you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): You're setting the prime-example of why you should resolve your trust issues, before you begin a new relationship.
You have to isolate the deeds of one guy, from the intentions of another.
You also have to learn how to place time and distance between a breakup and starting a new relationship. You need recovery time. That could be months to a year. Even longer. It all depends.
If your feelings are raw from being burned a few times; that's an indication that you have to remain single until your wounds heal. Men will take this advice, women won't.
That's because you're more emotional than we are, and you follow your heart. You are more forgiving; so you get setup a lot. You won't blame your own judgement or choice of men,
you'll blame the men. We guys get blamed if it's our fault or not. We have a thicker skin in most cases, we can take it.
Using the term "paranoia" speaks volumes and answers your own question. There is always a chance a guy is a snake,
but failure to respond to text messages doesn't make him a snake. A poor communicator or rude, more than likely. He is dealing with a family issue; and going on your previous notification, you said you'd be busy. So he reset his priorities accordingly. Chill out. You don't want to look like you are inconsiderate and selfish; if there is some impending family tragedy.
Just keep your eyes open. I won't tell you how you must feel. Let me advise you how to behave. Like nothing happened. He did say he would text. Trust him on that.
If he does, you know he's thinking of you; and being considerate of your feelings and concerns.
If he doesn't. Ignore him for awhile. Make him have to come to you and provide you with an explanation, and an apology, for neglecting to contact you to let you know how things are going.
Learn to distract yourself when you're overwhelmed with anxiety.
Sit down and write-out your feelings on paper.
Calm yourself. Learn some yoga moves and how to meditate.
This will give your racing mind time to refocus, and you regain self-control. Each past experience taught you something. What traits did each of the men in the past have in common? Write them down, and avoid men who exhibit those traits.
If you see the same negative traits in your present
male companion; then you know just how far to go with this guy.
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