A
female
age
,
*inkerbelle
writes:I'm 52, only been married for 5 years. First time for me, but my husband had been married before. His first wife developed a very serious illness soon after they married, and was an invalid for practically all of their marriage, and in the end she committed suicide. Neither of us very sexually experienced when we married.From the first moment we literally got on like a house on fire, both have a great sense of humour, shared attitudes and goals. Shortly after our marriage our sex life dropped off and then stopped. We never discussed it. Although we can talk to each other about almost everything, - this was the subject that we both had difficulty with. Eventually I raised the issue and my husband who is 46, went off to the doctor for a check up. The doc said he was fine, but should give up smoking. And again nothing happened. I initiated that we should go to Relate for counselling. We really were both very happy, just not being intimate.We embarked on 18 months of counselling, and really made no progress. I then discovered that he was looking at porn on his computer. Not really bad stuff, but there was quite a lot of it. This really upset me. Though I'm not terribly experienced, - I'm not a prude. But it upset me terribly that he was looking at this and he didn't want to make love to me. We had a fairly bad argument about this, and after I discovered this, he said in counselling that the problem was that his first wife was very much into S and M, and she insisted that he be dominant with her. The problem was that this was not his natural inclination. Their sex lives finished very early in the marriage, - mainly due to her illness, though they were married for 15 years and he became her carer. I know from other people that knew his first wife that she was very controlling and "ran" the marriage. My husband had got used to having sex in this manner, - but did not want to do this with me. The result being, - nothing was happening. The counsellor recommended that my husband seek specialist psycho-sexual counselling and gave us referrals.So we finished with Relate, and my husband never pursued any further counselling. I let it go, - not wanting to push him into it and feel pressured and we settled down to being two best friends living together. I know he still looks at porn, and it continues to hurt me very badly. I feel that he has got used of substituting porn for real sexual contact.Most of the time we really get along very well. There are no children for either of us, by the way. But occasionally he will snap at me, for no real reason. This really upsets me. I can't see anything that makes it happen, - we're not having an argument or anything, - it just comes out of the blue. When this has happened in the past, I've got very tearful, and he will apologise after a while. Things are a bit cool with us for a few days and then we're OK again.This happened again about two weeks ago. This time I reacted differently, - I didn't get upset, - I got angry. I left the house and went away for the day in order to cool down. He rang me to apologise, - but I still felt so angry I said that I knew I should be gracious and forgive him, - but I couldn't. It was just NOT all right that he felt he could talk to me like that.When I came home he had moved himself into the spare room, - a first for us, - but I was still feeling very annoyed, so in a way I was glad. However what has now happened is that he appears to have moved into the spare room permanently. He totally avoids me and we have not spoken or had any contact for two weeks.I initially felt very angry, and after a few days I moved into very upset mode. I just feel what is the point of our marriage, we aren't intimate and he can't even speak to me properly and with a bit of courtesy, what are we doing with each other. That all being said, I love him deeply, and obviously I would like us to have a love life, - and I find the current situation absolutely unbearable.We've reached an impasse, and I suppose I'm being as stubborn as he is, - I could go to his room and insist we have a conversation. But it deeply hurts me that he appears to be OK with the situation and cannot be bothered to make an effort to approach me. I have tried to get back in contact with our Relate counsellor, - but she is not available until next week. I did speak to someone else at Relate who said I sounded very depressed and I should go and see the doctor and get some medication, - but I really don't see that as much of a solution. Apologies for the length of this post, but unfortunately I do not have any friends or family I can discuss this with and I really am at my wits end, - so any suggestions would be very welcomed.
View related questions:
best friend, depressed, moved in, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lemontree +, writes (9 November 2007):
Love, I don't want to hurt or offend you, as you are obviously suffering as it is. But could it be, that he married for different reasons to you. I mean, I don't know the in's and out's of your relationship, but sometimes people marry, because they just can't face the thought of being alone (particularly after they have lost a partner). You say that when you first met you `got on like a house on fire'. This sounds more like two people becoming friend's than lover's. Usually, married people say something like, `when we first met we couldn't keep our hands off each other'. This leads me to wonder if perhaps what he wanted from the beginning was a companionate style marriage. You say he is happy to now sleep in separate rooms, could it be that he subconciously engineered an argument to achieve this end ?. You will have to find out what he wants. But you will have to do it in a calm, non-judgemental way. If you want different things though, I'm sorry to say, you may have to face the possibility that he isn't right for you.
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Pride will not save your marriage! I know this is hard to hear and it would be hard for me to practice it also, but someone has to give in for the sake of your marriage. Who did what wrong and should apologize will come later on but someone has to start the communication going.Try to remember why you married him, what brought you together and the good times you two have. He needs to deal with some issues, probably even the trouble you are facing regarding sex might be triggering his verbal attacks to you. This is not an easy issue to deal with for any of you, but if he feels responsible, this can probably affect his moods. Try to grow out of your hurt and anger and work things through.. or at least try!Best of lucks and a hug in the distance in these difficult times!
...............................
A
female
reader, whiteshadow +, writes (9 November 2007):
 I really wont be much help as i have no exp when it comes to marriages and long term relationships. But keep your head up and if you want to be stubborn, you be stubborn! altho It sounds like your husband is mentally exhausted and past a stage where he isnt caring as much as you are anymore or lately. If it has been 2 weeks and you both havnt spoken much that says alot :(
You really can only talk.there isnt any other option.The mind games with each other your both playing without even realising is ruining it for the worse. i am really sad you dont have anyone else tot alk too. Im not much help but i would chat with you anytime
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 November 2007):
 You say it hurts you deeply that he appears to be okay about the situation... he's feeling anything BUT okay about the situation and he's hurting just as much as you are, men just have a different way of showing it and one of the main ways is shutting off. I would love to help you here but I ask that you contact me by email. I'm a Relationships Counsellor and Life Coach and would be more than happy to give you the advice you need here. I feel it's better in this instance to talk privately though.
Please email me on this site if you still wish my help.
Eve
...............................
|
