A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend may like his female friend (FF)He's known her about 6-12 months before me, but never really saw her face to face, until he went to school. He met her in school about 1 month, before meeting me.Here's what he's done: 1)he invited this female friend to study alone with him at his apartment. I dont care if you study with her, but why alone... at your apartment? Why not in a public place, or with friends over? But after calling me about it, he changed his mind.2) He let her into his bedroom. On a different day. 3) Next,he brings her into conversations at odd, random times...over and over. For example, we could be talking about school. Then he'd bring her up, her conversations with her and what was going on in her life. Ok, fine. When I brought the topic back to school, he'd re-talk about her. I find this odd.4)Occasionally, he talks with her a little late, around 10-10.30pm. We're college students, I understand. But, why so late, why not earlier in the day?5)When I asked him to put boundaries with her, since she's openly flirtatious and told him that she likes him, he told her: "I feel we should stop hanging out like this, because when you're around me a lot, I feel like you should be my girlfriend." Who the hell says that?As for the girl, he knows her and her family a little longer than he has me, but since they're from different countries, they've never hung out. But, he met her face to face, about 1 month before meeting me. The girl:-gave me an eery vibe as soon as I met her.-asks my boyfriend inappropriate questions about our sex life-is silent around me. But likes talking about me and him to our mutual friends.-flirts with him, tells him, she likes him and wants the gifts he gives meIm unsure if boyfriend is attention whoring, or if he sincerely likes her. He's proposed to me, and has told his family. I dont know why he'd want to marry me, if she's single and wants her.Advice? Thoughts? Is my jealousy valid? Should we break up?
View related questions:
different countries, flirt, jealous, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2012): Personally i feel as if you may have the upper hand through all the information your giving out. For one, if he met her before you, but yet your his girlfriend, there has to be something she's lacking. second, i believe if he truly wanted to be with her he wouldn't check in with you about having her over and what not I admit some of the things you said where a little skeptical but in all honesty, some guys don't even tell their girlfriends and hide it from them, sounds like he's a good guy. And last, to me all and all its more of a trust issue, if he says he loves you, and wants to marry you don't doubt it, he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him has he? There may be some attraction and a little chemistry between the two but by what i see and read, there's not much to worry about but do keep an eye out. tell him the situation makes you uncomfortable. Just remember whats done in dark will come to the light eventually. Just trust him.
A
female
reader, cinc71  +, writes (24 May 2012):
 I think since you said should you break it off? you have your answer...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): Hi,
@Anonymous--how can you see that he knows he's taking it too far?
Whenever I bring up things like this, he acts clueless (whether he is or not, sometimes I cant even tell really). And in our first fight, after realizing he was the root cause of the argument, he apologized and admitted that the reason it happened was because he spaced out and ignored me, and was clueless as to what had been said. Not a good example, I know, but, it is an example.
By the way, I'm sorry if I sound clueless myself. I am. But I just really want a third person perspective.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): Hi,First, thank you all SO MUCH!It's so weird--when I get men's opinion on this: they all say that they can see where he's coming from, and that I'M overreacting. And as they said "guys are just clueless onto how girls are feeling." They say that since he's proposed, then I should be confident in his feelings. I feel they are right, but in cases like this, I dont know. I feel that he's a good man, but I just can't see how a 26/27 year old man can be THIS clueless.@PerhapsNot, I have NOT had this particular problem before, especially not with him. He told me about his friendship with her in advance. I thought nothing of it. It wasn't until me and his female friend met face-to-face, that I felt something was off and she gave me an eery vibe from the get-go. Her flirtations have been more than a single event, and from my list of his odd behaviors, you can tell that this has happened more than once.@AgonyAuntAnonymous--I know. You're right. We've had SO MANY conversations about her. I HATE talking about other women, especially one who's blatantly attracted to him. I haven't asked him outright if he likes her. I feel it exposes--even more deeply--how much this bothers me, and it hurts me enough as it is. Instead, I asked him, if I can TRUST him. And he unwaveringly said yes, of course. AAA, I DO feel he's an being an attention whore. I DO feel it flatters him to have women behaving like this--for him. In fact, I do think in the back of his mind, he thinks its very funny. Even though I do not.
...............................
A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (23 May 2012):
I do agree that all your points are valid, and if it were me i would be concerned. What concerns me most is what he said to her about when hes around her he feels like she should be his girlfriend. I worry that you will get hurt in the end. Breaking up hurts either way usually no matter what, but its much worse when you saw it enfolding in front of you yet you didnt act on it. I would have a serious chat with him and if he seems to act callous or that you are not as importand i would certainly suggest moving on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): Hi,
SHE has definitely come into our conversations, more than what's needed. And I have asked him questions.
His answers are more or less like this:
-She's a good friend of mine. I know her family.
-I agree that her behavior is odd.
-I'll continue to talk to her if she talks to me, she is still my friend.
That's what he says, rinsed and repeated, in each conversation.
When I mentioned him STOPPING all contact with her, he bluntly said NO. But that instead, he'd only talk to her if she initiated it herself, not him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2012):
 "Hey, boyfriend, since you've proposed to me, I need to understand what this girl is to you. *read pertinent points you've made here*
"I am not feeling good about this and I would prefer that you stop communicating with her. Especially as she is prying into our sex life and is gossiping about me with friends.
"I'd like to hear your points here! Thanks."
Is there any reason you can't bring up your concerns with him?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): If I were you I would seriously look into this. It is very bizarre behavior on his part. I think he realizes he's taking it too far with her but likes her attention too much to completely cut the rope... I wouldn't take it, I would honestly request him to stop talking to her or i leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (23 May 2012):
 There is nothing normal or appropriate about their relationship. It's unfortunate that you're questioning your own sanity and the glaringly obvious disrespect. 9/10 when you ask if something is off, it IS off. In your situation, you are 1000% correct in feeling the way you do. You have isolated what is wrong and inappropriate, so why question it?
Maybe he likes the attention, or maybe he likes the attention of this particular woman. Have you had this issue before? Did he flirt and did he always have inappropriate relationships with women? Or is it just this one single event? It would not surprise me if this were to escalate to an affair/cheating if it hasn't already. In either case, you would be foolish to trust him with the situation as it is.
...............................
|
