A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband told me that he loves me, but he's not attracted to my body, anymore. He said he just wants to be honest with me. He really isn't trying to be mean, and he's not saying it in a demeaning way. Specifically, he wants me to tone my body. I'm not overweight at all. In fact, I'm at the lower end of my weight range. 5'2" and 108 pounds, I know I'm not fat, and he isn't saying I am fat, just that I'm lumpy. I've had children, and my body is definitely not the same as it was in my 20's. It does hurt my feelings, but I know it's true, so I can't fault him for speaking the truth, BUT, come on, aging is inevitable and I feel like he's placing unrealistic expectations on me. He didnt ask me to change, he just said he wasn't physically attracted to my body, anymore.I feel like he expects me to look the way I did when we got married forever. God willing, I have a long life ahead of me, but with added years comes wrinkles, gray hair and yes, cellulite. I can't change the laws of physics here. He told me that all men thrive on physical attraction, but not all men will admit it because of the turmoil it would cause to a marriage, stating that we were above that and could handle the truth. How am I supposed to continue being intimate with a man - my husband - who admits he's not attracted to my body? I can't. I told him this, but he said he IS attracted to me, just not certain parts of my body. And he didn't give me an ultimatum, like tone it or I'll leave you - he just wanted to let me know and said its up to me if I want to change it, saying he'll always love me, regardless. I just don't know how to feel. I mean, it makes me feel horrible to know my husband isn't attracted to my body, but let's be real, there are a lot of husbands or wives that probably feel that way, but very few who would actually say it. But those same men/women probably don't base their entire level of attraction on their wife's/husband's body. Or do they? I don't know. Of course I want the body I had before children. Who doesn't. Do I want to spend 10 hours a day in a gym to get it? No. You might be wondering what my husband's body looks like, right? SOLID MUSCLE. That's his thing. He works out a lot. And it does turn me on, and I don't know how I would feel if he let himself go. I would like to think that I would still be turned on and that attraction involves more than just physique. But I didn't "let myself go", I work out, too, just not 7 days a week, like he does. Like I said, I don't know how to feel. Is his honesty just too much? Is it justifiable? How would you react? I need honest feedback.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): his feelings would be the same regardless of whether he was blunt or kept quiet. it's not the end of the world if your partner admits to preferring you look differently. it doesn't mean you're worthless right now. It doesn't mean he thinks you are either. You're fine the way you are, many women would love to have your BMI, I would!! Your self worth shouldn't depend on whether your husband likes you as you are but simply prefers you to be more toned. "I don't think he's straying, but I don't know that he won't if I don't "do something". "when I got married, my mother gave me the following advice. She said, "dont' think that just because you are married that you no longer have to earn your husband's respect or admiration any more. You dont' stop taking care of your appearance or hygiene or let yourself go just because you are now married. That would be disrespectful to your husband. Marriage requires maintenance mutual respect and part of it is to keep yourself looking good for your husband to keep him satisfied and never doubting that he made the right choice to marry you. And of course he should do the same back for you."Well, I wish she had given my husband that advice too!! We dated for 9 years then he let himself go after we got married and I still feel quite bitter about it after another 9 years of marriage. now if you find that 'earning your husband's respect and admiration' takes an inordinate and unnatural amount of effort and energy that is just not "you" then I think it means you're just not compatible anymore and it might be best to go separate ways. You can't force compatibility whether it means running yourself ragged in the gym for him, or him squelching his lack of attraction and trying to fake it for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): OP, do you want your husband to be honest with you or lie to you? He is entitled to his feelings, just as you are entitled to yours.He did not give you an ultimatum, and he was not demeaning in his tone. He simply told you the simple truth. Why would he do that? Do you believe his intention to hurt you and demean you and try to make you feel small? Or was it because he is very well losing his attraction to you and he wants to stay attracted to you. i.e. a REAL martial problem which does not go away just because no one talks about it.Your husband would not be attracted to you, regardless of whether he admitted it or not. At least by coming to you and telling you, there is a chance for this situation to change. If he kept his mouth shut out of fear of hurting your feelings, well, that still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't feel attracted to you. Is he right or wrong to not feel attracted to you anymore? I agree that at your height and wait you are definitely not fat. But different people have different ideals of beauty and what it means to show their partner respect by maintaining themselves for their partner. For example, I never wear make up, never have and never will. I thin the last time I wore make up was at my wedding 15 years ago. My husband (and all my previous boyfriends) are the sort of men who value this 'natural' look and love that I don't wear any make up and have just simple straight hair. But not all men feel like this. Many men would find it appalling that their wife or gf would go out with them without looking "better" with make up on. many men just would find me very plain and uninteresting and unattractive because of the way I dress. No one is right or wrong in their perceptions of beauty, it is simply a personal preference.You may not have "let yourself go" in the sense of gaining weight. But your husband is SOLID MUSCLE like you said. And that shows what his ideals are when it comes to a person maintaining themselves. If I were married to him right now he would probably tell me he finds me unattractive too - I have the body of a marathon runner (because I am one), I am skinny like a bean pole. He probably finds women who are more muscular and toned (like those female MMA fighters) to be more attractive. That's just his personal preference. Many men find that attractive too, not just him. (Many men also feel threatened by that too. Everyone is different.) was he right or wrong to voice his opinion to you? Well, why shouldn't he give you a choice if you want to make your sex life more enjoyable?He didn't call you names or mock you. He didn't shame you, he didn't insult you. He just gave you bare bones information. Information is neutral. You can choose how to take on board this information and process it.Getting annoyed at him is going to send the message that he is wrong to feel the way he does, or that he is wrong to be honest to you. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are just what they are. It will tell him that it's better that he lie to you and never try to bring up any issue in the marriage again because you will take it personally. Do tell him that your feelings were hurt, since that is the truth too. But let this be an opportunity for HONEST and OPEN communication. Don't try to shout him down for his feelings that he openly communicated to you, and which are equally valid to yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I've been in your husband's shoes. But in my case, my hb DID let himself go. And after waiting 10 years skirting around the issue while losing more and more attraction for him, I had to tell him the truth, just like your husband told you the truth.It is the truth. Whether you like it or not, it does not change the fact that this is how he feels. I don't think he is in the wrong for having hurt your feelings. It is not a crime to hurt someone's feelings if(a) it is the result of the truth and (b) hiding the truth would have caused equal or even greater consequences in the long run, in this case, a change to the level of intimacy in your relationship due to his physiological response not being there anymore.I had to tell my husband the truth that I lost attraction to him because he had become obese, because my waning physiological attraction to him WAS affecting our marriage. For 10 years I kept my mouth shut trying to deal on my own and avoid hurting his feelings, but you can't make yourself feel aroused if you just don't find the other person attractive. Your body just does not physiologically respond anymore to the sight or touch of other person. Faking it is DECEITFUL when done year after year!!! I tried to encourage him to work out because it's "healthy" but that didn't work, AND after a few years I came to the conclusion that is also being manipulative because I'm not being honest with him about the real reason.Yes the truth did devastate him. And yes, like your husband, I didn't give him an ultimatum or anything. I said I would stay married regardless of how attracted I feel to you or not. Just that if he could not make some changes (that are within his control to make) necessary for me to feel attracted again (which are not in my control to feel), then our marriage would continue to suck and that's the truth, it's not like I WANT it to be this way.And yes I am a lot fitter than my husband. Your husband is a lot fitter than you so YES that does give him the "right" to feel the way he does because he is not being hypocritical and he is not expecting you to do something that he himself woudln't do.So how should you feel about what your husband told you? You should feel however you do feel. Hurt, unhappy, of course that's normal. But try to understand that he is telling you this out of RESPECT and LOVE for you. Yes, he LOVES you enough and respects you enough to tell you the truth about this very important issue. it IS a big deal to him or he would have just kept it to himself, don't you think?? He didn't give you an ultimatum so that shows he is committed to his wedding vows of staying married to you through thick and thin. But that doesn't mean that the marriage couldn't IMPROVE. In my case, I waited way too long to tell my husband the truth. I waited 10 years when he was 85 lbs overweight and I was by then completely turned off and disgusted by his body yet still didnt' know how to broach the subject. I found myself giving every excuse not to be physically intimate with him because I found it dreadfully disgusting and if I faked it I felt so immoral and dishonest. The best I could do was to just try to avoid being in a situation where I'd have to be physical with him. But over the years, the constant rejection hurt him a lot. I felt like I was in a double-bind: damned if I tell the truth, damned if I don't. I was going mad. Finally after 10 years I told him the truth and yes it hurt his feelings and I took responsibility for that but WE ARE MARRIED AFTER ALL IF YOU CAN'T TELL YOUR SPOUSE THE TRUTH about something vitally important to the marriage (like sexual attraction), then how is that helping the marriage in any way?? It's not.You cannot change your physiological responses. They are innate. You cannot "make juices flow" by sheer will alone, if you know what I mean. It is an INVOLUNTARY RESPONSE. I'm sure if your husband could, he would. Just as I would have with my obese husband. But getting fitter, healthier, more toned, whatever, IS possible to do with conscious choice and effort. It is VOLUNTARY. If he doesn't find you attractive anymore due to your lack of fitness, realize that the remedy is more within YOUR ability than his to make. The options are:1. You take on board the information he has given you, and put more effort into maintaining yourself for the sake of the sexual part of the relationship. Why should this be thought of as a "bad" thing to do?2. You don't do anything different, and the marriage continues on as-is. He will not feel as attracted to you as he wants to, but he will deal with it in his own way. In any case, it's normal to feel hurt and embarrassed and upset. But then, take a deep breath and try to see that your husband obviously loves you very much which is why he wants to see this marriage get better (denying that there is any room for improvement, doesn't help...). He is invested in this marriage and wants it to improve. And to do that he had to tell you the truth. And the fact that he did come right out and say it, shows that he respects you enough to be honest with you before it becomes a wall that divides you but which goes unacknowledged because it's too taboo to hurt the other person's feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): Honesty in itself is not enough if your values - the one's that you are being honest about - are extreme, or skewed or covering up some other personal problem.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I think you're not being fair. He never said you had to work out, and he certainly didn't say you had to spend 10 hours a day at the gym to accomplish it. I would be hurt too, but if I saw that this was something that meant somethign to my partner--something as serious as sexual attraction, then I would do something about it. From the defensive tone you're taking, it sounds like you have not been taking care of yourself physically and using your child as a crutch for staying out of the gym. Is it hard work to lose baby weight or tighten up? Yes, I saw my mom do it. Are you young enough that your body CAN recover? Yes. Maybe it won't all 100% be what it used to be, but it will actually recover significantly. Babies are hard work, but for your health's sake, remain active and then maybe your sex life will stay active too.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): Women always tell us to just be honest with them but after reading some of the comments on here I realize that maybe that's not the best policy when it comes to certain things. Whenever my girlfriend asks me if I'm getting less attracted to her cause of her weight gain I always say no even though that's not entirely true because I always thought even though she wanted me to be honest that she would just get mad at me if she didn't like my answer and it looks like I was right about that. I honestly don't think you should be mad at him, it's not like he said you were disgusting and can't even look at you. He didn't even ask you to try to lose weight be just wanted to be honest with you and tell you how he was feeling. I feel like men just can't win with women sometimes. You say you want honesty but when we give it to you it blows up in our faces.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): Your husband sounds to me like he actually has some slight or not so slight mental health problem - like narcissistic personality disorder or something more serious. His values are dodgy in the extreme AND he is trying to cover over this dodginess by saying that he is being transparent, honest and that you are both 'above' being able to be tactful with one another. He has an extremely limited idea of what a beautiful woman is and this seems to stem directly from his need to prove that he is a real man by body building himself - he sounds massively insecure underneath all of this, but I wouldn't feel any pity for him at all. I agree, he seems to be paving the way for saying to you, further down the line, that he's getting a younger girlfriend on the side whilst you look after the kids and you and he can accept that because you are 'above' those boring moral standards that many people still either have no problem adhering to or at least make an effort with ie. not straying because they love their partner; in such cases its not that they necessarily don't care what you look like, just that when they see you snotty with a cold or with dimply thighs or no make up on or whatever, they still love you and think you're beautiful because they feel secure and happy in the relationship with you. I wouldn't stay for five minutes longer with such a jerk, but if you stay because you're turned on by his muscles then maybe you should take a look at your own values as well.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 You must be a very sweet , patient lady. If you weren't, I think the following retort would have come spontaneous to your lips : " Yes, dear husband, I see what you mean. It is a very difficult position you find yourself in. . But, look at the bright side , it won't be as difficult for me. I can find dozens, what am I saying, dozens ?, hundreds of guys who do not have your same hyper- exacting standards and will positively drool after my body exactly as it is now...."
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow...thank you for all the honest feedback. You have made some very valid points that I haven't considered. YouWish, I agree, he is being short-sighted, as he is susceptible to the same aging process as the rest of us. There will be a time when gray hairs, stamina, and his overall physique will diminish. He needs to understand that one day, I'll be faced with his changing physique. In all honesty, it's not his changing physique that would lower my attraction level, but his overall shallowness is making him less attractive to me, and I am going to tell him that. Serpico, I agree that honesty is refreshing, and I don't think he is trying to be hurtful...BUT...the bottom line is that it IS hurtful. Before he said ths to me, my had a high confidence level (not arrogance) but confidence. Once he said this, my confidence plummeted. I think he intended to "motivate" me, but he actually made me shut down and stop the efforts that I'm already putting in. I work out 4 days a week - cardio and strength training. Yes, I have problem areas, but unless I have a surgical intervention, no amount of diet and exercise is going to correct this. It's a rsesult of having children. SageOldGuy, I agree. I think his biggest problem is that I often get mistaken as being in my early twenties and my husband LOVES this. But now that I'm starting to "age" he realizes that I can't "pass" for a 20 year old, anymore. And I'm starting to think that I'm a trophy to him, serve as part of an ego boost for HIM. soVerycomfused, thank you for recognizing that I have other, more important responsibilities to contend with on a daily basis. I work part-time, but take care of the house and children full time. But what's more important that you pointed out is that I do receive attention from other men. I never reciprocate further than being polite, but if my husband saw me feed into it, it might be an eye opener for him. BimBim, I don't think he's straying, but I don't know that he won't if I don't "do something". You know what? Initially I was hurt, but now I'm just p*ssed. It's not like I'm gross. I'm not even considered "average build". I'm thin, healthy, take care of myself, like to look good and am happy with myself. How dare he try to strip me of that. But you know what, everytime I put on a bikini, I know I'll feel subconscious now. I think it would be different if I was 600 pounds, lazy, eating pizzas by the box and living in pajamas. Ironically, though, that is how he's making me feel about me. I'm mad, now. I will be discussing this with him tonight.Thanks again to all of you.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (2 March 2013):
 Well since he still loves you the same and didnt say you had to change or anything he still desires his wife and or girlfriend plus he was being truthful. Cant win for losing you want true then use it against him. If he lied you would be mad. He knows bodies change and Im sure absolutely sure he enjoys waking up looking at all of you everyday mo matter what thats why he is with you and felt comfortable enough to be real with you. Dont take it personal.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 Totally despicable. I am actually thinking he's starting his aging process. Although he is still all muscle, he can't do the same things he was able to do in his 20's. He could be projecting his insecurity onto you. He notices all the hot barbies in the gym and he wants so much to switch off his attraction to them. He wants you to look like a young girl so he doesn't have to struggle with temptation in the gym. Is he taking steroids? He could also blaming sexual problems on you.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 With the benefit of hindsight I would be telling him there is no way I was going to have the body of a 20 year old ever again, if that is what he wants would he like to sit down and arrange access to the children now, or include it in the divorce settlement.
IT sounds to me he is setting you up to take the blame for when he finds his nubile, young, toned, thing. Don't let him do that to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2013):
 I'm 5'2 and I outweigh you by 50 pounds and wear a size 10. Personally, I think you might even be a bit thin... but without seeing you I could be wrong and I know folks think I weigh a lot less than I do.
IF you are fit and healthy then I think you have to make your choice to either live with a man who is judgmental and opinionated and WRONG (ok that's my opinion) or do you want to move on to a man who is mature and gets it?
I know that there are parts of you that no matter what you eat, or lift, or work out, will NOT get firm again... you have had two children and I'm betting you have NO abdominal muscles that have not split. (it's very common for a woman's abs to split during the late stages of pregnancy... I had a tummy tuck 18 months ago and the surgeon explained this to me... one of the reasons tummy tucks are such a horrible surgery is that they reconstruct and corset up your muscles... without that internal corseting you probably will always have flabby belly issues.... no amount of exercise can fix torn...
I get why your husband said what he said... he has NO FILTER... much like my idiot husband... I do not get how he can think what he thinks.
He really has no clue clearly about women and childbirth.
I am not sure how old your husband is but my husband when I met him was 37 and fit and healthy... now at almost 40, his metabolism has changed and he's gained weight, and he's starting to feel his age... and YouWish is right, he's going to eventually start to age too.
Someone who works out 7 days a week may have an exercise addiction or other psychological issues that they use exercise to mask. Even the most dedicated competitive body builders (my brother was one) takes a day off every week.
You say you are working out and I do not doubt that. You also have two kids, possibly a job outside the home, and the running of the home.... He has work and gym I'll bet that he's not making dinner... or doing the laundry or much of the kid care either.... if I'm wrong I apologize but I've rarely seen a man who's dedicated to himself and has these types of body expectations be anything but selfish.
IF it was me (and I'm being blunt here) I would tell your husband, "I'm healthy and fit, I run the home, care for our children and your expectations of my body being what it was before childbirth are unrealistic and not going to happen. I cannot and WILL NOT meet your expectations. Since you no longer find me attractive, I will expect you to make arrangments to move out and begin the divorce proceedings so that I may find a man who is realistic about what a WOMAN'S body looks like... clearly you will prefer young girls forever."
Hard core and SHOCKING but that's my point. I think you need to really scare and shock him into THINKING more than FEELING...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 March 2013):
 I love this guy with his "honesty".... because it really tells us what is his agenda for YOU!!!!
HE is a muscle-guy and gym rat, and THAT is what he thinks "life" is all about... (What other activities/ socializing/entertainment do you and he share?) What he's REALLY telling you is that he is ONLY capable of being awed by (hence, "interested in") a shapely, toned and "buff" young thing... and - while you may have approximated that, in the past - you've gone off the card,... and his words are "meant" to alert you that he sticks by his craving for her (toned/buff) only.... AND, unless you are prepared to alter your life (style and appearance) to meet his exacting specifications, he will begin his search for that new "perfect" girl who will ring his shapely/toned/buff bell....
I think your hubby sounds outlandishly immature - even childish - in his "honesty" with you... and it should be grounds for you to expect his hammer to fall if/when you don't meet his newly-revealed expectations...
It's unfortunate that many guys believe that they can - and must - insist that their G/Fs and wives remain that uber-cute little pixie cheerleader who they dated 15 years ago...
Remember: Women marry buys believing that they will change; Men marry women believing that they'll never change....
Good luck...
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female
reader, xAx  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 My boyfriend told me similar what you're husband told you and I reacted the same way you did. It's not something you can't take to heart, is it?! However, some couples in relationships break up over something like this and the fact that you know means you can do something about before it may become a actual problem later in the long term. I think you should talk to him about what he thinks about you eventually getting wrinkles, because being lumpy and having wrinkles are different problems to me as wrinkles you can only do so much unless you get botox at 70?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): 108 pounds.? That is nothing! Sounds like your husband is a bit of a fitness freak but above all he is not being realistic.
Time will bring grey hair, wrinkles, weight gain, so what does your husbands expectations mean? That he will never be satisfied with anyone beyond a 20 year old supermodel?
I think a honest, open discussion with him is what's needed. And you need to air your concerns about his unrealistic expectations too.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 March 2013):
He is being honest with you. Perhaps some prefer being lied to, but I cannot understand why someone would want that.
Yes - we all change over time, but the change he is talking about is something a little hard work could do something about. If a man started cheating and used the excuse "we all change over time," would that be acceptible? Of course not, because its something someone has the capacity to do something about, just as personal fitness is.
He works out, and you clearly appreciate the effort that he puts into looking good for you. It looks like in the end he is just asking for the same in return, and he is being honest about it. Dunno, but I cannot think of anything more reasonable and fair.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 March 2013):
 Wow, seriously? He said that to you? That makes me speechless to be honest. Where do I begin on this one?
We all grow older. No matter how we take care of ourselves, or try and fight the effects of time, be it cosmetic surgery, hair replacement, liposuction, veins, scars, etc., time happens. We either accept it and age with grace and strength, or we don't. Never mind if there's a sickness that ages us prematurely, or traumatic events that age our soul. None of us can freeze in place like some Stephenie Meyer novel, much as we like to.
When we're truly in love with someone, they are beautiful to the point where shallow thoughts like the one your husband expressed are distasteful, like a bad taste in the mouth. Even in terms of when one or the other starts gaining weight, the reaction of the spouse who truly loves their mate is to care for their health and want to help their partner's well-being, because they know that when their spouse is unhappy, it hurts them.
I wouldn't call it admirable or despicable. I would call it short-sighted. Even your husband, who is Mr. Muscle Tone now, will face possible arthritis, hair in unwanted places, loss of hair in wanted places, diminishing of strength, possible diminishing of virility. What would help him, a wife who told him that his occasional age-related impotence was unattractive to her as well as his aging, or a wife who sees the man she loves and grows old together with?
Life isn't all Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue when it comes to judging beauty. I think he's taking you for granted, and for someone who's lived a long time, he still needs to grow up. You've had kids, and the people in magazines, porn films, and celebrities are either 19-25 years old, or they've been airbrushed or they've had surgeons with knives and botox and silicone.
I can only hope that as he has time to think about the horrible thing he said, and when he realizes how completely wrong he is and what what he said did to you, he will regret and mourn the pain he caused you.
As for you, going to the gym doesn't have to be 10 hours a day. A good walk, some workout time for you is therapeutic. Trust me, all your husband has to see is another man admiring your body, and all those words he said to you will seem the most stupid thing he's ever said.
So be really good to yourself. Trust me, don't be so predictable to him. Give yourself a makeover and make him work for your affection. Go to the gym for you, and wear a new workout outfit too. He will eat his words over and over.
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female
reader, curious1987 +, writes (2 March 2013):
 His is being hurtful. Everyone's body changes. If my partner told me my body didn't turn him on nemore, i would start pointing out his habits thatcannoy me. U have had children, of course ur body is going to be less tones and have cellulite. Hell i'm 26 no kids and so untoned. yes ur husband was rude and should apologise for hurting u. x
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