A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, Let me preface this by saying that I am a man and my husband is also a man, so if that makes you uncomfortable this is not the post for you...So here it is. I'm not sure where to start so I'll start with my husband and I have been married for 4 years. From the moment i met him, I knew that i was going to marry him. We were both living in different cities so were willing to try a long distance relationship that fell apart quickly and we ended things. about a month and a half later her contacted me and i have since packed my crap and moved to his city to be with him. The problem is from the moment i met my husbands best friend, i felt that there were feelings there between the two of them and that maybe something had happen between the two. I asked my husband who quickly said that they had drunken kissed before but that was it. I tried to chalk my suspecions(?) on insecurity and tried to be friends with this guy, but the suspecions never went away and if not grew. I even allowed this guy to be the best man at our wedding to try to get over the feelings, still never went away. a couple of weeks ago, while in bed, my husband and i were talking and he admitted that he had had a (physical) relationship with his best friend on and off for 3 years (his friend identifies as straight, i know how that sounds), up until weeks before meeting me and then twice again in the months that things ended between us. he also told me that at one point he thought that he was in love with him but that his best friends unwillingness to identify as gay made him realize that they couldnt have a future. He attempted to assure me that he no long has feelings for him, that he has never cheated on me with this guy and has said that the only reason that he even remained friends with the guy afterwards is because he has trouble maintaining friends and didn't want to loose another friendship, but that I am important enough and that he was willing to give up the friend for me. Of which i said no, that he didnt have to do that (he still says he hasnt spoken to him since this came up)I'm still having trouble accepting that my husband is over his best friend or that his best friend is over him, and with finding out that i was right that something happened between them makes me feel i'm right about the feelings. I'm confused and angry alot. I find myself checking his phone when he's not looking and checking the phone bill to see if they've spoken. Am i going crazy or should i trust my instincts? What should i do?
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best friend, cheated on me, drunk, long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help.
A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 It sounds like your husband is willing to make an effort to keep you. He's come clean to you on a lot of things already - value that and hope all works out well.
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A
female
reader, chita22  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 I don't think u should worry about anything as long as u trust your hubby I mean ha told u the truth about everything (hopefully) but realy I don't think u shouldve said no to him being friends w/that guy I think u should say what ever u think the right thing os just put yourself in my shoes so realy your saying YES w/out realy saying it. But your hubby soynds like truthful man that didn't even realy have to tell u what happened between them and he still did sounds like u can trust but never trust anybody w/all your heart were all human and eveybody makes mistakes. Don't let this drive u crazy!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 The question that is floating on your mind is whether they are really over or not. Your husband had no trouble having him and you at the same time. He had no trouble breaking up with you, even if later you went back together. You moved to his town, and yet he kept the "friend". He can claim it was an "off-and-on" thing, but he had a relationship with that man. Your husband was not straightforward about the kind of relationship he had with that other man, and he lied to you the first time you manifested your concern. And then, your suspicions were justified. It's only understandable that you're concerned.
I understand your checking phones and things. You don't want to be taken for a fool.
Unfortunately, all you can do here is leave, and perhaps ending a relationship though your husband was faithful, or staying with him, in the hope he is not cheating.
You have to choose which way to go.
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 He is being honest with you, and he also told you that he would not talk to him anymore, you stopped him from doing this. I have the feelings that your husband truly loves you and wants to make you happy. This other person meant something to him at some point but you are his future now. I sincerely think that people can't be friends when one friend is in love with the other because their true emotions will lash out. There is a chance that your husband only has eyes for you and his friend is just that a friend. Don't give up on your marriage for something you are not sure of. Good luck and I really hope everything works out for you.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Residual feelings happen in situations like this, but usually they aren't something you have to be worried about unless you have other reason not to trust your husband. It seems to me that, while it took some time, your husband has grown to trust you deeply enough to admit to something that he knows bothers you. That took courage on his part and is and indication that he's being sincere. Ultimately you have to decide if you trust him. If you do, then you have to let this go.
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